Emerging Gay

Both of what you saying are things I feel I can relate to. It's just so damn scary. But the prospect of accepting myself feels so right. Like there's been something wrong my whole life and when I accept this, this will be the piece of the puzzle falling into place and my personality will finally make sense and my heart and brain can rest at last. I know I need to live a life as a gay man I can even imagine how happy I'd be being in a relationship with a man and while I still feel I never can because I can't be found out, internally I'm at least accepting that it is what I actually want.
Anyway thanks a lot to you guys it's been so helpful to be able to speak here and have people understand and who are going through the same things.

 

Being able to finally shed all that heteronormative programming and living openly as a gay man is incredibly liberating. Finally allowing yourself the freedom to have an open gay relationship is so freeing and so natural. Once out you see just how natural and wonderful being gay is. Good luck in your journey.

 

This can be a very powerful feeling but it has to come after some form of acceptance otherwise it can turn into powerful guilt or fear. But yes, it’s an amazing feeling through your whole body and all the sudden all the doubts and rationalizations like “I think women can be beautiful’ fade away fast

When I finally let myself fantasize about a romantic relationship with a man, I realized that my thoughts about romanticc relationships with women were blasé and forced. Based on what I have seen here with other men on etc, there is no turning back after that point, the closet and denial just don’t work.

I felt this way too about being gay even after acceptance you probably are imagining everyone in the world you know knowing your gay right now…. But imagine accepting people? You already are “found out’ to yourself, to people here though anon
If you met a great guy and fell romantically for him too what is there to be ashamed of?

could you imagine what it feels like to be out and happy?

 

Hey people thanks a lot for the reply. I think slowly I am starting to realise that being found out is not what I thought it was. It's not a sudden event where I am outed in front of people it's a slow realisation that's has most likely already taken place.

Understanding that people have probably already realised I am gay or at least bi takes a bit of the pressure off. Furthermore now I am subconsciously comfortable with myself I found myself much more relaxed when I actually met a guy.

I met him and dropped my guard and had the best time I fully could see myself in a relationship with him.

it's been such baby steps I never thought I'd get here but slowly I find myself caring less about what others think. I always thought it had to be a sudden thing and that was scary. But in reality it's not and I have acclimatised.

you have all been so much help I can't even thank you enough. But thank goodness you were and are here for me. X

it feels so good to accept being gay, I know I will slowly come out the closet and find happiness

 

The last 4 lines of your post I am fully vibing to now. I allowed myself to be submissive and not to be crude but allowed myself to receive what I wanted and in those moments, kissing a guy, all BS melted away. Now I can't believe how I have allowed myself this denial for so long.

You guys here have really saved me from eternal sadness and my appreciation is beyond words.
Love.

 

So many of us have felt exactly the same once we finally shed the heteronormative programming that had crippled our sexual identity. Embracing our homosexuality is indeed incredibly liberating and satisfying. Being able to open admit that you prefer men as sexual and romantic partners is so emotionally freeing. To live as a gay man without doubts, reservations, guilt or embarrassment is to truly live your life. Being able to wake up next to your BF/ husband/ partner is a high better than alcohol or drugs combined.

 

Yeah and it has made me reflect and consider the fact that perhaps a large part of my anxiety and depression and self destructiveness with substances etc is due to this denial.

of course not everything is due to that but purely from an analytical POV I find it quite interesting that this hitherto "minor" neglect of a part of myself has potentially had such tremendous ramifications.

anyway the process is on its way. I still think ahh I'll find the right girl have kids and live a happy life etc. to some extent I am bi because certain fetish activities I only like with women so that's still a confusing one. I guess being mostly gay with exclusive kinks I like with women puts me on the gay side of the spectrum still.

anyway interesting food for thought for me

 

CyberSteve, curious about the confrontation avoidance and whether you found any more about the link you with it and your IH. Much appreciated

 

Totally speculating here, but....
i think a lot of our feelings, and the thoughts that go with them, are conditioned into us from an early age. i imagine if we all grew up in a world where heteronormative was not the presumed default setting? Instead, what if we all had the freedom from the start to discover who and how we are vs being expected to be a certain way both consciously and unconsciously.

Extrapolating on that idea, once you were in a social setting where you felt safe and accepted, "you" felt free to come to the surface. To me the "effect" was being in a place and with guys where it was not only okay to be who you are, but wanted.

 

Just to complicate it a bit. i cannot count the number of times i have "come out." And i'm a male nurse!!! Doesn't everyone know that all male nurses are gay? haha, not where i work. i know more lesbian nurses than gay nurses. Kidding of course. The point is, i am not stereotypically gay. It seems so obvious to me, but apparently not to everyone else.

i've worked at the same hospital 10 years and i keep getting asked out on dates... by women? Hasn't word gotten around yet? How many times to i have to tell people i'm gay before everyone knows? Short of wearing rainbow scrubs, without making some sort of continuous announcement, coming out for me has not been a one time event, but a repeated one.

There's a part of me that wants to automatically be known as i am, but aside from a sign or assuming some stereotyping affectations that are not nature to me as an individual, coming has been a continuous event for me.

 

i don't think all of what passes for "internal homophobia" is necessarily a completely bad thing. In many ways, it can be a survival mechanism, though it can also cripple us, so being aware of it strikes me as a good thing. There are places and situations where being openly gay is sort of like dancing naked in the middle of a busy highway... i.e., the chances of getting squished increase exponentially. i think going to gay venues is a good way to experience the freedom of being who and how you are and will help your emotions understand what your cognition is already grasping. In my experience, our emotions always lag behind our reason, and sometimes never catch up. Going to places, being around people you know are gay friendly and accepting removes the reasons for being self conscious... maybe even reverses things. Being straight in a gay bar would make you sort of "stick out" and not "blend."

 

The same. I'm in the closet generally, but in the company of gay friends I'm completely comfortable about being gay. As you say it's a kinda wow feeling.

 

I think this is why so many gay men have an extensive group of gay friends. We are comfortable being exactly who we are without judgement among ourselves. Perhaps at some point in the future we will be comfortable in every situation.