Emerging Gay

First welcome To EC. Sounds to me like this is the right place to begin finding your answers. honestly it seems to me you have the answers you seek. However the acceptance of that is still challenging to you. As far as your age goes, not an issue. I began accepting who I really am in my 70’s. do I wish that I woke up in say my 20’s? Yep, no doubt. However the reality is it happens for each of us when the time is right. Now is your time it seems. In my younger years I only let the truth come out when I was loaded. I would let a guy pick up, have great sex and then tell him to go away. When I stopped drinking my Bi self disappeared into the recesses of my consciousness somewhere. Today I feel like I’ve given myself total release from the limits I’ve lived with for so long. I enjoy being sexual with both men and women, but the most important part of my life today is finding ways to express my sexuality as both make and female. You’ll find many folks on EC who are going through what you are right now. It’s such a struggle to come to grips with the truth and what that means for us and those we love and care about, as well as the world we live in.

 

Thanks CyberEteve. Don’t worry. If you engage with others on EC and decide what your true intent is, you’ll find the peace your seeking.

 

Welcome @CyberSteve88, I definitely understand your struggle. I too am in a similar boat. One thing I have seen said here is the advice to read your post out loud and ask yourself if these seem to be a straight person's thoughts/ behaviors/ attractions. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean you're gay but it can potentially help you frame yourself in a non-heterosexual context. Personally, that realization was a cakewalk for me compared to what I seem to be trying to figure out right now. I, like you, am still confused, but it seems as though the chips are staking on a certain side of the board per se. Although gay porn has never been my thing, the more I venture into this journey it seems I am definitely not as straight as I thought I was.

Another piece of advice you'll hear here is that porn is not a great indicator of sexual orientation. Yes, it can be a sign but it's hardly a concrete answer. Fantasies and in-person attractions are much more accurate in dictating one's orientation.

Lastly, I'll say this. During my time posting on and reading this site, it seems rare that one who comes here questioning leaves without coming to terms with some level of homosexuality. Those who do seem to be people who are suffering from OCD focused on their sexuality. I could be a little out of line saying that, but that has been my observation. I don't say this to scare you, but to help you recognize that there is a reason that you're questioning your sexuality. Are you gay? Are you bi? Have you fallen down the porn rabbit hole? All of those questions could be answered with either a yes or no. You are the only one in your head so you are the only one who can determine who you are.

 

Obviously only you can determine whether your gay or bi. However based on reading your initial post it’s seem to indicate you might lean gay. Keep in mind our heteronormative programming and internalized homophobia are powerful and can cloud the truth of your orientation from you. Wanting to preform oral on another guy might be a clear indication of more than a passing interest. Being able to find beauty in a female is not necessarily a sign your bi. I too can appreciate a beautiful female but could never any longer be intimate with one. The thought of sexual intimacy with a woman now just seems repulsive.
Over time you will find your way, experimenting with your sexuality can be an exciting and enjoyable experience for you, just leave the baggage at the bedroom door. Straight, bi, gay, trans you have one life enjoy it!

 

@CyberSteve88, the mind is a powerful and tricky thing. As @Contended mentioned, compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia could be preventing you from seeing things clearly. I believe internalized homophobia is something I am struggling with greatly and causing me a lot of anxiety, which in turn is making things even more difficult to sort through.

You stated that you had an experience with a pre-op trans woman and enjoyed it. Now, trans women are women, but my assumption is that you enjoyed it because she had a little extra. Again, this doesn't make you gay but there could be some level of homosexuality going on, especially in comparison to the way you describe sex with cisgender women.

What I come to understand through my personal experience, as well as reading this forum, is that the emergence of sexuality can be a process. For instance, I am having thoughts and feelings I wasn't having 6 months ago, let alone six years ago. It can be difficult to face these things sometimes.

In my case, my brain keeps telling me I am gay. Not because I have had some experiences with trans women and currently I am dating one, but because my mind keeps telling me, "You're gay." In my life, until my confusion became front and center, I never felt attracted to or crushed on men. Now it seems as though whenever I have an encounter with a traditionally attractive man I get really anxious, almost like fight or flight. I also have moments when I catch myself thinking of men. On some level, it seems to me at least, a subconscious part of me is recognizing a very real or potential attraction to men. However, these encounters or thoughts are not arousing to me. In fact, I find that many times when I am getting aroused and the thought of a man pops into my head I lose my arousal. Also, gay porn is not arousing to me either. But once again, I keep getting these internal signals saying, "You're gay." This was not the case for me two months ago or even a year ago, so who knows what to make of it?

I say all that to say that this journey can be confusing and the mind is a powerful thing. Denial is a powerful thing. Internalized homophobia is a powerful thing. Eventually, it seems, the dam will break.

 

So here’s a test. Might sound sort of silly, but give it a try. If you were alone on a desert island and you had to choose between a man or a woman or both to live with for the next 40 years, which would it be? Me - I’d go for both without a doubt. You?

 

I am sure this is more a question for the OP but I'll give it a stab anyway. However, as odd as it sounds, the three categories don't really provide the response I would want to give, which would be a non-op trans woman. I suppose I had to answer based solely on the sex organs of the three options on offer it would be men, but again, that doesn't necessarily seem accurate either.

 

@CyberSteve88 in many ways it seems that way but honestly, I have no idea. My mind is so mixed up lately it is hard for me to tell. As I've stated this has caused me much anxiety, literally every day, and I have been consulting a therapist about it. I hope to achieve so level of clarity at some point and hopefully, acceptance follows. As of right now, I know I'm somewhere on the queer spectrum of sexuality. However, ever since my "awakening" this summer, I have felt little arousal or attraction to cisgender women, which is a very new situation for me. But as I've read on here, it is not uncommon for people to lose their heterosexual attractions when they acknowledge or act on their homosexual ones. I don't mean to offend anyone but if I were to base my sexuality strictly on sex organs, it would be hard for me to make an argument for bisexuality. Yes, trans women are women so technically that could be "true" based on identity, but it seems that cisgender women don't punch my ticket anymore.

To your point though, it does seem really odd to me that I lose arousal when I think about a man or a man's face entering my mind when I am fantasizing. Anymore I've just chalked this up to denial or internalized homophobia. For some reason, I keep getting all these signals in my mind telling me I am gay but when it comes to what's going on downstairs, not so much. However, out in the real world, I have these weird feelings and experiences when encountering traditionally handsome/ attractive men. My anxiety swirls, but my eye seems to be drawn to men more than women. It's as if a part of me recognizes an attraction but another part says, "F*** that!" These encounters aren't arousing and reflection on them later isn't arousing either.

Anyway, enough about me. You mentioned that you are in a relationship I believe. If so, how is that going? Is the physical side fulfilling for you? Many men on here who are struggling claim that although they can complete the sexual act with their female spouse/partner they need to think of men in order to do so.

You mentioned no liking to perform oral on your female partners but that's not terribly uncommon for men. I on the other hand loved to do so when I was in heterosexual relationships. However, I believe I come to realize that I just like performing oral or have an oral fixation.

Also in the description of the trans women you're attracted to it's hard to miss common thread masculine traits. Perhaps you're attracted to masculinity? We all have feminine and masculine traits on some level, maybe a masculine woman is a bit more your speed if you still enjoy heterosexual sex.

I don't know if any of this is helpful but I do hope your journey is not accompanied by the same level of anxiety I am experiencing.

 

@CyberSteve88

Recent Observations/Habits
- My porn preference is now 100% gay. I no longer feel guilty when I watch it but I feel it keeps me in a status quo. I watch straight porn now and again to see if it does anything to me and it doesn’t.
- I still frequently check out women in public and find them attractive. Usually wearing leggings or tight clothing.
- I rarely check out men in public. Most men wear poorly fitted clothes. I don’t notice handsome men either.
- I check out gay apps, chatrooms, literature, and video games.
- I love checking out pics of hot men on gay underwear websites. I drool over some of the models on these sites.
- While I don’t like going down on women, the idea of performing oral sex on a man excites me.
- I started to experience homoerotic dreams.

I can really relate to most of your observations. My porn preference is mostly men as well, and I don’t feel guilty watching it, but that is probably because I’m in a very private setting and the worry that someone will discover that I do it is not a factor. I do however occasionally watch female porn, but it is usually when the physical aspects of the women are not what I have typically found with the women I have been with. Somewhat above average and firm upstairs and downstairs with moving parts as I describe them.

When I’m in public I seem a bit obsessed with how the blouse looks on women and how much of their contours they show, their movement and how much cleavage they present. Tight stretch pants are an attraction both as they are walking towards me as well as walking away. But I never find myself checking out men. If I see one who is advertising his manhood, I quickly stop looking for fear of being seen staring. I also don’t think men that are hairy are attractive and beards turn me off. But if I were to make eye contact with a smooth somewhat feminine male, I would always speak in passing. But I’d never speak to a man that didn’t have those characteristics.
I have several porn sites I use, and join them when they are free, so I can identify and save the videos or photos that are sexually arousing so I can view them later, but 90% of them are of men. 80% of the men are in the act of climax. I have always thought my attraction to that act, is that I know how it feels and it is exciting to witness another man enjoying that feeling.

For some reason a man who is not naked, at least from the waist down, is not something that arouses me. There have been times when women I know will wear something sexy to arouse me, but I can’t wait to see what’s under it, much to the dislike of the women who was trying to give me optical pleasure.

I love going down on women, even though I have rarely found a women who enjoys it as much as I do. I have really only had 2 women who have enjoyed it, with one of them asking me to do it occasionally, which to me is a very exciting thing. I have also struggled finding a woman who wished to talk about the things that she enjoyed even though I have tried to get them to explain those things to me and teach me what I can do that will bring them pleasure. I also love to perform oral sex on men. It is very sexually satisfying to watch and feel a man go through the complete process from start to well past the finish and know that I was the one that excited him to start the process and be the one that gave him the ultimate pleasure.

I go to sleep most nights thinking and fantasizing about what I would do if I were at that moment with a man laying next to me, but I can’t ever remember dreaming about being sexual with another man, and I rarely even dream about having sex with a woman. Not sure what all that tells me about myself and I know I struggle trying to figure it out.

I don’t have a lot of advice for you to help you understand your feelings and confusion, but I can say that I go through life trying to figure it out as well, and even though I’ve only been a member here a short time, it has been good for me to be able to explain my feelings without others telling me I’m crazy or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I have found that their responses have been comforting. I either don’t have anyone I can explain those feelings or don’t have the courage to start the conversation. I’m always hoping someone else will and give me a window of opportunity to talk about my bisexual feelings.

 

I agree. I don’t have anyone I could talk about this kind of stuff. I’ve never even had a relationship where I felt comfortable asking for something sexual. I’ll never give up hope and keep looking to be in a conversation that starts that kind of friendship.

 

@CyberSteve88 Yeah it was but it was kind of hard to deny that fact any longer. If you read my original posts you’ll learn that all of this came to light for me during/after an attempted proposal to my ex-girlfriend, a cisgender woman. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to propose to her, the aftermath led to a pretty daunting and significant anxiety spiral lasting weeks. Although I had been a watcher of trans pornography for years, my mind kept telling me that I’m gay. This didn’t really make sense to me because I had never experienced attraction to men. I felt compelled to experiment, which I did with some trans escorts. The result were mixed but ultimately there was enjoyment. I eventually signed up on queer dating apps to try my hand at actually meeting someone for more than just sex.

this is how I met the trans woman I am dating. We got it off pretty immediately and have been seeing one another since November. I was easing into things pretty comfortably and smoothly until a couple months ago. Then kept getting the “you’re gay” and “you’re lying to yourself with this trans thing” thoughts. The anxiety came back as well. Now, I’m only out to a select few so perhaps this could just be a “still being in the closet thing.” However, that doesn’t really explain everything else I’m experiencing and feeling. This is why I resumed therapy.

she lives at a bit of a distance from me so we see one another when we but we’re in communication on a daily basis. Apart from my anxiety, which she knows a little about but I haven’t expressed everything to her, things are still going relatively well.

Anymore it feels someone spoiled the ending to the movie of my life, which is that I’m gay, but I still have to watch and figure out the plot development. Again, it’s not that I feel or think I’m gay because I’ve been with trans women, it’s that my mind keeps telling me that I am.

 

@CyberSteve88 in response to your own situation, based on what you’re saying it’s seems as though you are predominantly attracted to men. However, you very well could be bisexual but just seem to be focused more on men right now due to your questioning.

I think I mentioned this before, but many on here have reported that once they acknowledge their homosexuality or same sex attraction their attraction or ability to sleep with the opposite sex disappears. Seeing as you’ve been going through this for awhile and still enjoy heterosexual sex on some level, again, perhaps you’re bi.

However, I will point out that many when on this journey have shared similar sentiments as you, not noticing men in public but enjoying them in private, only to have that enjoyment surface in public.

If you don’t mind me asking, how often to you engage in same sex/gay erotica? I know you mentioned pornography and other things so erotica appears to be the best umbrella statement.

 

@detroitlouisred
I know you didn’t ask me this question but I’d like to answer it and have you respond to it. I would appreciate anyone responding because I’m not sure what is going on inside my head.
I engage in same sex erotica (pornography) usually on a daily basis. When I was living alone it was more like 5 to 6 times a week. Sometimes as many as 3 times a day. I enjoyed it and I masturbated to it almost every time. I’m now with a gf and even though I rarely masturbate, I still look at it and save as favorites the videos and photos I like the best. I think it feels good to release my lack of sexual fulfillment that way and I have to admit, that the climax is much better doing it alone. It’s been about 5 years since I was with a man and there were a few times that the climax was very intense. But lately when having heterosex it just isn’t as good. Do you think I have a problem with Porn?