Emerging Gay

Frankly not all that long. Within a month or two of my first sexual experience with another male I had lost most all interest in my then GF. Needless to say we broke up. By this time I had lost the ability to engage in heterosexual sex. I started a relationship with another guy and started to embrace my homosexuality. In an effort to check if I was really gay during this period I went out with female colleague. I was still in the closet. When things started to get even a little intimate, I knew for sure I was gay because I was totally repulsed. Within about 6 to 9 months I came out and have been openly gay and happy since. Take your time as it is a marathon not a sprint to be able to honestly and openly embrace your homosexuality.

 

So, so true! Once I accepted my true desires and feelings, I completely and utterly lost interest in women and realised that the only sexual and romantic connections that were open to me were with men. So I had no choice. However, now that I have got past all the difficulties of coming out and the changes in my domestic/social situation, I absolutely LOVE being gay and feel so lucky to have been born the way I am and to be able to experience the sexual and emotional joy of gay relationships.

 

Exactly my experience when I tried one last ditch heterosexual date the woman made advances and I was repulsed. And even just the date part felt like a big lie.I think it’s because prior to not having gay sex hetero stimulation is all we knew, but once you’re gay and have gay sex you realize that the ‘gross’ part of hetero sex is because it’s hetero, and gay sex feels a 100x more intense

 

Yes there is that wonderful feeling when you wake up one day and are HAPPY you are gay.

 

When you think of it, it’s both crazy and incredible how our brain works and the mental gymnastics we’ll play on this journey. I’m speaking more for myself right now, as I’m obviously not anyone else.

Throughout my journey I’ve read so many things, let’s call it advice, that I wish I could embrace. Things like, “Why stress about a label?” or “Just live life and have fun with it until the answer presents itself.” There’s obviously a reason why some of us cannot put this down, but when you think of it, that’s kind of telling in and of itself.

We all come to this sexuality business from different places and with different experiences so obviously there’s no one true way to figure out and accept this. I know for me, I’ve always thought there’d be a time/day when I’d get this irrefutable evidence (in my mind that would be just getting aroused by simply looking at a man and this happening repeatedly). However, as I’m learning, there are so many factors to all of this and what defines our attraction.

I remember one time I was scouring through old posts on here, attempting to find “an answer.” Oddly enough, I did in a way. I don’t remember who posted it but they said something along the lines of seeing a trend of people who come here to EC later identifying as the thing they were most afraid of being while questioning. It’s almost as though a part of us has always known even if we weren’t conscious of it or if there wasn’t any “evidence” of it.

I’m sober and a member of a certain self-help organization. For years my sponsor has said to me, “You don’t always have to like it but you have to accept it.” Beyond that, we’ve had multiple conversations about living our lives in the midst of addiction, recognizing that we had a problem, but ultimately not accepting it and doing anything about it.

That’s pretty much where I feel I’m at in my sexuality journey. I recognize things that obviously point to me being gay, I don’t like it so I struggle to accept it and I use certain things as “evidence” to try and convince myself otherwise. Ultimately, it all comes down to a lack of acceptance.

@CyberSteve88 there seems to be some differences between how you and I have come to this point in our lives but there are also plenty of similarities. Regardless of whether it’s bi, queer, or gay, we need to figure out a way to come into acceptance. This seems to be our greatest struggle.

 

In retrospect, though it was a last ditch effort to “prove” I wasn’t gay (it came out of nowhere I progressing with acceptance), I am glad it happened, because it was a visceral stark realization that I was literally repulsed by the thought of sex with women. Once and for all it shattered the “I look at beautiful women” excuse. There was no denying my gut reaction to sex with women was one of revulsion

 

This was literally my reaction as well. It was strange after years of being with women that suddenly the whole idea of sexual relations with a woman seemed so repulsive and wrong. This wasn’t a gentle uncomfortable feeling it’s was full on disgust with the idea of intimacy with a woman. In retrospect I don’t understand how I did it for all those years. There is no way in hell now that I would be with a woman. First emotionally absolutely zero interest and physically it ain’t happening. I am so comfortable as a gay man. I have never looked back and regretted coming out and living as I was meant to!

 

I think it’s because we didn’t know anything else.Before admitting to myself I was gay, I just (straight) sex was a chore, kind of gross but I thought everyone felt that way. Once I had gay sex or even just “allowed’ myself to fantasize about men, the feeling was 100x more intense than sex with women. There was not ‘work’ I didn’t want to just ejaculate and get it over with. With a man I wanted to do oral vs the chore of doing it to a woman to please her,

 

Agreed. I don't think a mixed couple can have the same connection and understanding of each other as a gay couple has, male or female. Once you fall in love with a gay person and enjoy all the aspects of the relationship, there is no going back to the opposite sex.

 

Its a very powerful exercise. There is nothing to lose. If it doesn't feel right then that's fine too. But often looking yourself in the eye and finally saying the words is very clarifying.

Yes your pattern is pretty common- I would not get confused or distracted by some posters here who have OCD or other. Most gay men will tell them they don't seem gay but it won't have any effect, because, well that's OCD. Coming out to yourself can produce a lot of anxiety though.

I want to go back to your original post:

Very early on, lots of attraction to men, even with guilt and shame attached. No indication of any real arousal to women.

Exactly my experience too. In fact, i really wasn't interested in women UNLESS they had leggings or tight clothing on. Not even naked. Let me guess, you looked at the legs and butt?

This might be along with some internal shame why you hold on to the idea you don't look at men in public. Most men just don't dress in an alluring way.. But you do find underwear models hot, and I mentioned in another post, check out some videos of male dancers especially wearing tights. I realized while I liked looking at women's butts and legs in leggings, the front didn't do so much for me and I didn't really get aroused. When I finally found pictures of men dressed in tights (like dancers) the arousal was clear.

While not all straight men like giving oral to women, I don't know anyone straight who doesn't like to do it to women, but likes to do it to men

IMOP, this is one of the textbook cases of a pattern and feelings I have seen here dozens of times and I experienced myself.

But when its 100% of the time, and just looking at pictures of men arouse you but women don't then it might be a factor.
What do you fantasize about? My guess is it's near exclusively men?

addressed above.

Some people don't come out or face it until their forties and fifties and beyond. You might have had some recent experiences that caused a reassessment, but those in denial /repression have a similar pattern to this. The thing is denial and suppression work pretty well. For years I really thought to myself "Why does a straight guy like me keep having fantasies about giving a man a blow job"

 

If you re-read your posts, or even subtle in between the lines implications of posts like this, I think you already know who you are

 

Well it seems as though you’re going into this with an open mind and heart. You’re also taking your time and not jumping to conclusions. I applaud for for this. I very much wish I could do the same.

 

It's the only type of male physique that I find myself being strongly attracted to.

 

Good point, most men don't dress in an alluring way. Compared to women who often flaunt their sexuality with tight clothing, low cut dresses showing their boobs etc. Seeing gay men on underwear sites is a turn on, I recommend candymanfashions.com which has some serious erotic models and underwear on it !!

 

I realized that I was only interested in women’s butts and legs and only when they wore tights or leggings. But hard as I tried I just couldn’t get aroused. I even had a couple of women fulfill a fantasy of them in leggings but it felt nice and soft, but not sexual or at best just a little and no appeal or even revulsion when they got naked.
But it was enough to keep me in denial.

 

Take things at your own pace, I am not trying to push you, but I see so many similarities with your story and mine and other gay men on this forum. I also had a huge wall of shame and guilt and fear from growing up.
When I first came here if you asked me if if I ever would be happy about being gay I would have laughed and written off my fantasies.
But there is an incredible feeling when you finally acknowledge it, accept it and surrender to it.
It may seem far away now but just take an hour and try it out, you can always go back. Just say ‘ I am going to accept that I am gay for an hour and imagine I had no hang ups about it.
Warning….it might feel very good!