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coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by headshaver, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. SiennaFire

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    headshaver

    I am sorry to hear this did not go as expected. You've been an inspiration for my own coming out, and I'm here for you (*hug*)

    My therapist concurs with greatwhale that children care more about the impact of divorce and less so about what their parents do in private. So give them time to process the implications of divorce and they will come around.
     
  2. headshaver

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    Hello SiennaFire and all you other EC folks....
    I have to say that this has been a really trying week for me. I have always had so much pride in my heart for the amount of engagement I have with my kids and my family. I give them 150% of me - all the time. I am invested to say the least.
    Tonight - I find myself sad and extremely angry at the treatment I am getting from my family. Yes, I know, it takes time and I am willing to give them time - but I am not very happy that I am being treated like I have a disease.
    Since coming out to my daughters Sunday night, my wife has avoided me at all cost. She spends her entire day up in her office upstairs, only coming down for lunch / shower/ gym or if she and one of my daughters have to run an errand. Each night, she has made excuses to "run an errand" and is gone as long as possible in order to be away from the house. Yes, she is truly running errands, but come on .. give me a break - she is a stay at home mom and has plenty of time throughout the day to run her errands. My point is that she purposefully finds a reason to get out of the house to avoid being around me. My oldest daughter still has not spoken to me.
    Tonight, at dinner, my wife and oldest daughter carried on a conversation with the family as if I wasn't even at the table... they ate their dinner in like 5 minutes almost choking down their food as if they were uncomfortable being at the dinner table with me - then wife gets up and says to older daughter - we should go run and pick up a few lamps for your dorm room - then ask my youngest daughter if she wants to go - HELLO... I'm sitting her in the room - maybe ask me if I want to go <?>. My youngest says no, I'll stay here with Dad (thank you sweetheart). Wife and daughter leave and have been gone for 2.5 hours retuning only to go straight upstairs - daughter in her room with door closed and wife in her office again "working".
    I am actually hurt - they are treating me like I have some disease... like I don't even exist. It really has P*ssed me off.... so much so that I feel like telling wife ... hey, if you don't want me here and I'm making you that uncomfortable, then I'll just move into my apartment next Friday.
    I don't want to be here right now.... I even called my boss today asking him to put me on a travel assignment ASAP. Get me out of here - maybe when I'm gone they will come to appreciate me. Maybe when I write the $10K check for my daughters tuition she will change her tone. Or, how about that car she drives, the free gas, all the stuff for her new apartment... OH - you mean all the stuff Dad (I mean the guy with the disease) pays for so my life is perfect??? Yeah - that's me - Dad -- the guy who was honest, the guy who has integrity, the guy who would die for you... the guy you are treating like total dog sh*t.
     
  3. Chicagoblue

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    I hope you're lawyered up. She's poisoning them.

    I read your entries with great appreciation and trepidation. And admiration.
     
  4. bi2me

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    Headshaver, hang in there. It sounds like hell, but I'm glad your younger daughter seems to be trying to rise above what her mom is doing. We are thinking about you. (*hug*)
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    headshaver

    You are a wonderful father and an amazing provider for your family. You deserve far more appreciation than you are getting at home right now!

    I feel your pain. Last night my wife was yelling at me because I'm not empathetic of her feelings. If I were I would clearly see that I'm the home wrecker scum bag ... no appreciation here either.

    Based on what you've written, it appears that your wife and daughter are coping with the elephant in the room by avoidance. The elephant is of course the breakup of the family unit as well as your sexuality. While the two are interrelated, I'm guessing they care more breakup of the family unit but will throw your sexuality in your face. At least that's been my experience.

    I try to depersonalize and ignore my wife's remarks and then recharge when she's not around. Still hurts though. Eventually this hell will end and I'll be able to live authentically.
     
    #145 SiennaFire, Jul 23, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2015
  6. greatwhale

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    I'd like you to check out my blog entitled: "Katabasis", I really think it may help you understand what is going on.

    All the best to you and those you love.
     
  7. Viator

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    I too am sorry to read about the turn things took. You know, of course you know, that you have lived much longer in your own truth than they have. It is true that nothing takes the place of time. I hope and pray that all 4 of you will come to know some peace as you move down this road.
     
  8. headshaver

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    Hello EC Friends!!!
    I am alive :slight_smile:
    It's now been 4 weeks exactly since I came out to my daughters. Now, the only family member that doesn't know is my 76 year old mother. She knows only that wife and I are having problems. I will tell her tomorrow that we are separating and I am moving into my own place. I don't plan on telling her why - that I am gay - because I want to do that in person. She lives about 2 hours from me so I plan on going up for a visit in the next few weeks and have the talk with her.
    4 weeks honestly feels like 4 months. The waters have been rough but I have somehow managed to keep my head above the waves of emotion. Oldest daughter finally came around, to some degree, before she left yesterday to return to college. She spent most of the 4 weeks ignoring me and only speaking to me if she needed something that Mom could not do for her. I was so upset - it was like I didn't exist in the house. I broke down one morning, slamming the door in my office so loud that wife came to find out what was going on. I broke down - talking to her about how I honestly felt like a invisible person in the house like I had some type of disease. I questioned whether or not I should attend the college apartment move in that is coming up in 2 weeks on the 21st - thinking that daughter was embarrassed of me. I ended up talking to daughter about whether or not she wanted me to be there for move in weekend. Her response was "you can come if you want to come". My gay friend who is a dad too told me that come hell freezing over I will be there for move in weekend because if I miss it she will throw that in my face. He is right. I packed her car Sunday night with all her things and off she went back to college. I did manage to get a hug and a thank you. She's been unresponsive to my txt messages this week. Before she left, I made one last room check in her bedroom - I found a card I gave her and a letter I wrote her explaining - or trying to explain things - unopened on her desk in her room under a pile of shopping receipts and some other trash papers. Broke my heart again. I picked up the card and letter and placed them in her backpack. I hope she will take the time to read them and will seek to understand. Only time will tell.

    Youngest daughter continues to be a blessing to me. She is the salt of the earth and if it weren't for her I would have bailed weeks ago. I'm staying at the house, enduring the treatment from wife, only for daughter. My biggest challenge will be making sure she fully understands that my love for her has not changed and to try and incorporate her into my new life as much as possible.

    I have been spending the last few weeks getting my apartment ready. There are days when I am gone "running errands" where I have told only wife where I am (for example, I am buying a washer and dryer). Last Sunday I get a txt from wife - "Daughter wants to know where you are - what do you want me to tell her?" HELLO???? Tell her the truth! I responded that I would speak to her when I returned. I returned to the house and promptly called daughter into my office. Sat her down and told her straight up - recalling that we discussed a month ago that I would be moving at some point - yes, she remembered. I told her that I have an apartment 5 miles from the house and that I have been buying some things for the apartment. Here comes the wife... again, she just stood there, put her arm around daughter, said nothing and looked at me with evil eyes as if to say you son of a bitch ....
    Wife leaves the room while daughter and I hug it out - and we sit down again to talk more. I tell her she is welcome to stay with me, she can help me shop, she can help me move, she can never come over if that is what she wants - but I want her to come over and I left the door wide open.

    Wife is pissed at me right now. Silence and basic chit chat talk is all we have at this point. Does she have a right to be pissed - yes. Does she have the right to treat me like shit - no. Remember honey, I'm paying for everything so your perfect life stays the same - only without me around. I left today, told daughter and wife I had to go to apartment to accept delivery of some furniture. Daughter said ok day - have a good day. Wife glared at me - said nothing and just gave me the look.

    So tonight - I put the final nail in the coffin. I need to tell wife that I plan on moving my things out so that I can start staying at my apartment next week. I will give her options a)I gradually move things out b)I move everything out all at once or c) I move out when she and daughter are not at home.

    Put a fork in me folks ... I'm done! Well done. I have tried with all my will to be nice, to take into account my wife and daughters first with every decision. I really have tried hard to make this easy on them given the circumstances. I have been and will continue to be honest with them. I just pray that in the end - forgiveness will prevail and I will have some sort of normal life again.

    Thank God for my gay friends (and even a few non gay gym buddies) who check on me daily and have spent hours listening to me and guiding me to help me make the best decisions. Thank you all for your concern, prayers and advice. Time will tell - and I assume my next post will be after I move and I am finally a single (sort of ..) gay man.

    The journey continues.....
     
  9. Chicagoblue

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    Very instructive, thanks for sharing headshaver!
     
  10. BidiKlum

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    I read this entire story yesterday and woke up wondering how you were doing...it sounds like even if it isn't ideal, you are getting through it and getting to a better place. And you are doing the right thing, and in the right way. You seem so strong, I am sure you will make it through. xx
     
  11. naim14082

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    Times a great healer and I'm sure your daughter will understand eventually. I hope life begins to settle down for you, after all you've been through. Its now time to start living :kiss: Wishing you all the best.
     
  12. Yossarian

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    I can't imagine anyone doing it better than what your are doing. No matter what the ex-wife does, you can hold your head up when in front of your kids and anyone else in your life, and know you have nothing to be ashamed of.
     
  13. headshaver

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    thank you all for your thoughts and for confirming that I have indeed tried to do the right thing....
    I told my mom yesterday that wife and I are separating - I didn't get into the details and told her I would drive up soon, sit down with her, and share more of the why behind our separation. I didn't want to tell her over the phone.
    So now - I have to sit down with wife when I return Friday and ask her about moving out - I've been slammed this week with business travel and work - and as you all know, I need work to pay for all of this :slight_smile:
    I am so looking forward to turning the last page on this chapter and starting a new chapter of the book.
    Peace!
     
  14. BidiKlum

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    Good luck! Please keep us updated...
     
  15. headshaver

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    well - the date is set. I sat down with wife Sunday morning - talked for a while - admitted to her that I was scared and anxious and feeling so many things that I couldn't begin to tell her how I was feeling about moving... her comment - " I know, getting use to the new normal is really difficult." Next week I will begin moving some things to my apartment on Monday - then after returning from business travel I will finish up Thursday and Friday - with the first night in my new place on 8/29. I have my friends on notice in case I crash and burn... but for some reason, I feel confident.

    Four months and 3 days from the day that I stopped living a lie and admitted that I am gay. Four months and 3 days since I stepped up and took the step of faith to live free and be the man I was born to be. Wow... amazing times...
     
  16. bi2me

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    You have made an amazing amount of progress in a short time! Good luck in the next week as you settle in to your new apartment. Keep us posted! :slight_smile:
     
  17. Viator

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    This is so dumb, I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but I am so happy for you. How amazing for you to be begin this next phase of your life, even if you may still be out of step with your daughter. I would be interested to know, and I think it may be the case, that you will have a great deal to offer in the way of support and strength to others; as those in your life have been for you.
     
  18. headshaver

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    Viator - thank you so much and nothing is dumb... I can't begin to explain the flood of emotions - high and low - that I feel at this point.

    Today I struggled and was on the edge of tears all day - right now it's the small things that happen and solidify in my mind that this is actually happening. I got the electric bill for my apartment - that's all it took - tears. Or, when wife and I were talking on the patio tonight about next week, my business travel, school events, etc., and she offered to take my daughter some place next Saturday while I packed. Massive tears while discussing that.... I will never forgive myself if my daughter thinks for a second that I have abandoned her.

    On the flip side I called one of my very close gay friends and as we chatted on the phone a rush of excitement came over me as he reminded me of the fact that in 7 days I will begin my journey and I was reminded how blessed I am when he offered to drive from downtown to the burbs next Saturday and help me move in and be there to support me. Next Sunday I will attend my other two gay friends wedding. My first gay social event :slight_smile:

    I have been meeting with my pastor - who by the way fully supports me and is not judging me - and we are talking about how I can start a support group for married - gay guys/fathers centered around Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
    I know in my heart - good will come out of all of this.

    It's all going to be ok.... and one day I will look back on this and realize that this is exactly what my journey was to be - and hopefully be spending the rest of my life with a man who loves me.

    Peace
     
  19. Bearfix

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    I too am one that's been reading this from the start, good luck with your new apartment and hopefully one day your other daughter will come around to be like the other daughter is too.

    Good luck on going though with what you had to do for your reasons and starting a new era maybe with a relationship that's better suited for you too.
     
  20. BobbyG92103

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    you aint neva lied.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2015 at 02:12 PM ----------

    From one big sap to another, so glad you received this. Enjoy those little moments.