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coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by headshaver, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. The14Me

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    I just read your post today.
    You shared a lot that I relate to in my own life experience. I came out to my wife in April 2012 and my three sons. I was married for 21.5 years. By June 2013 I had divorced her. The whole experience was traumatic for me and my ex and my sons. We all survived it or learned how to cope. I am still here, I started dating after the divorce and met some great guys. I'd say even after three years I am still adjusting to the trauma.
    Thanks for writing.
     
  2. headshaver

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    Well folks - tomorrow is the day .... I'm moving out.
    This entire week has been emotional hell for me. I traveled for business which allowed me to get away for a few days but coming home Thursday I was on the plane and knew what I faced when i landed. Thank goodness the person next to me on the plane was sleeping because I kept crying. Damn it man --- grow a set and suck it up.
    Got up this morning and just felt like a train had hit me. I just couldn't focus on anything other than the move. Emotions were so intense- I found myself sitting on the stairs - just sitting, looking at pictures around the house, decorative pieces wife and I have purchased on trips we took... the dog laying on the front rug... and wife walks by and ask me if there is something I want to talk about. As I began to try and talk i just started sobbing uncontrollably. We sat on the stairs and comforted one another for about 30 minutes and discussed how the move should play out .
    We agreed that once my daughter wakes up my wife will get her out of the house - take her bowling or something - so she doesn't have to see me putting my things in my car - then i'll meet them or something before I leave for my place. I am so concerned my daughter will feel like i have abandoned her. I'm so worried about her.....
    I've packed 80% of my home office and just need the remaining pictures of my family and my clothes and some bar glasses. Wife told me not to worry about getting everything and told me to just come back if I need something. That's good...
    I have a very close friend of mine - he's married/gay and divorced 5 years. He is meeting me at my place to help me move in. What a blessing.
    So now - it is official - the real journey begins.
    So at this point, I think it's time to stop this thread - i'll now start posting things separate in other post as the event unfold. Bless all of you who listened, gave advice and just showed me compassion these last 4 months.
    Peace!!
     
  3. WilliamHunter

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    I really appreciate hearing these stories. Amazing that there are so many men with similar situations. I too have come out to my family after 32 years of marriage. Was painful for all, but everyone seems to be adjusting well. Time will tell. My wife too says "she misses her friend" but we are working to restore our friendship. Thanks for all the comfort. More to follow. William.
     
  4. Weston

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    @WilliamHunter
    Friendship is definitely possible. My wife and I are still best of friends a year after my coming out and are still living together (albeit in separate bedrooms) as we make plans for an eventual separation. Both of us are "seeing" other people, and we often compare notes over morning coffee in the living room. I belong to a gay fathers organization, and it seems to me from the many stories I've heard that the couples who got on best during their marriages do best after separating (with some exceptions, obviously).
     
  5. SWburbchgo

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    I am so glad that you have shared your story with all the ups and the downs. You may not realize it but you have helped many, many people along the way. Thank you
     
  6. Justinheller74

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    Headshaver,
    What an amazing story and quite similar to mine! Congratulations for taking this gigantic step forward in your life toward happiness. Probably the scariest thing you will EVER do your life and also the most rewarding. I walked in your same shoes just 18 months ago and I can say now, I finally have true comfort in my own skin and happiness as a result. It was not easy but, Oh SO WORTH IT!

    I will offer a couple thoughts as you prepare for your the moment you say these very difficult words to your wife..... First, she already knows something is up. She may not be as shocked as you think she will be. After setting up the conversation with my ex, she looked at me and said, "I know already, just say it!"

    Another thing to consider is that she may be relieved to finally have all of this out in the open so that you two can talk, figure things out and begin down the path to healing your own lives. It will not be easy and she may not actually say this to you during the conversation but I can assure you, if she has been accusing you of cheating on her, she knows your relationship is broken and on the inside will be relieved to begin resolving the issue.

    Lastly, prepare for some harsh words but focus on having compassion for her during the conversation and after. If you do that, you will get a better result. Heading into my conversation, I worked with a Life Coach to help prepare me for that moment. It was the best money I ever spent. You may want to consider getting help from a coach to prepare your conversation so you focus on saying the right things that yield the best outcome for both of you....

    Can't wait to hear how this all goes. Please keep us posted and good luck to you!
     
  7. bi2me

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    How are you doing? I didn't see a new thread, but I am thinking about you.
     
  8. FortWorthian

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    Greetings,
    I joined today and read your story. It is so similar to mine that I got goosebumps. I love my wife and she saved me from a dark place I was in my life. We kind of saved each other as we were both lost at that time. She is my best friend and I can not hurt her but I am by living this lie. I don't want to start over but she may not accept me as just a friend that she is married too.
    So freakin confused right now I want to cry and probably will.
     
  9. Chicagoblue

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    I'm somewhere between you and Headshaver. I know it's so freakin' hard. Hang in there and my clarity of action and purpose come to you. Headshaver is amazing.