1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by headshaver, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    As I head into week two of being "out" I find myself more frustrated than when I was hiding. I know that it takes time for all the dust to settle - I get that. It is just so difficult now to be at home - I feel like I'm living in a box with the people I love walking all around me. I feel more isolated than ever before. Yes, I came out to my wife - but beyond the emotions that have come out over the last 2 weeks - nothing has changed. Perhaps, now that I process this as I write, this is the way my wife deals with things - if she doesn't talk about it - if she just puts it out of her mind - if she avoids the issue - then things will just go back to normal and this will go away.
    My thoughts are random - sorry about that - but I feel so isolated - more than ever before when I had to hide my secret. I was asked by a gay friend to have lunch this Saturday -- I can't because this would set my wife off into a tail spin. I have a FB who wants to get together - I can't - because I would have to lie again about where I was going making up another excuse to get away for a few hours. If it were not for this forum and my two gay friends and my FB, I would lose it.
    I know all this will work it's way out eventually but man, I never expected to feel such isolation after I came out.
    By the way - before anyone judges -- Yes, I have a FB, I've known him for 6 months. We get together frequently although we haven't seen each other in over a month due to work schedules, travel... life. He is a wonder man and he actually has been helping me, giving me guidance, telling me to slow down, reminding me that although I came out, my family has to come out too --- he's a wonderful man, a good friend and of course a wonderful lover. He understand my struggle - appreciates my position and always tells me to take care of my loved ones first and the rest will come with time. I love him as a friend and I love him as a lover - we are clear that we only have a FB relationship but he seems to care for me more than just a FB - he checks in on me a few times a week and like I said already, he provides guidance and insight to help me. Fate brought him into my life and Fate will determine what happens down the road - in the meantime, I am blessed to have him in my life. He knows all of this --- he knows how I feel...
    Thanks for listening .. time to move on and work and get started with another day.
     
  2. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    Stay strong... It will take time, but you (and your wife) will get through to the other side.
     
  3. maybgayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2015
    Messages:
    218
    Likes Received:
    64
    Location:
    MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks for keeping us posted headshaver and I am sorry for your current tumult. Your FB sounds wonderful. I am glad that he is there for you in so many ways.
     
  4. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Ok - so I've told her I was gay. Done! It's been 2 weeks - I expect that by the end of June I will tell the kids. So what happens next ? I'm not sure how to move on actually...
    Do I start looking for a place? Do I call the attorney? Now that the big hurdle is over about coming out - I'm lost as to what needs to happen next.... I realize timing is different for everyone but I don't have a clue on where to go from here....
     
  5. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Today may turn out to be interesting -- wife is having lunch with a long time mutual girl friend. Friend is divorced 2 years from a guy who struggled with porn for many years until the wife said no more. Divorced with two teenage kids. So my wife is struggling obviously, as you all know already. I am worried about her as she has now moved into her typical state of internalizing the situation in hopes it will go away if we don't talk about it. She's had this problem all her life and her family does the same thing.. drives me crazy.
    In advance of the lunch today, I called friend on Tuesday - knowing my wife would tell her at lunch that things are great... BS! And I trust the friend (I knew her before wife knew her..) and I told her what was happening so she wouldn't be shocked and could help my wife. I told wife Tuesday night that I spoke with Friend and that she is aware and that I did this because I love her and she needs to talk with someone other than me about our situation and what to do next...
    Friend asked if we had told the kids - I said no, that wife is in denial and wants me to wait 3 years... friend said immediately, you cannot do that to the kids - you have to tell them what is happening - they know something is going on - don't lie to them. EXACTLY!
    So we will see how wife's attitude is today after lunch with friend... my hope is that this will get her out of this silent mode and get her to start thinking about her future, my future, next steps, etc.... We'll see --- I may be on the streets tonight - but if that happens - at least it is progress - I suppose :slight_smile:
     
  6. SWburbchgo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2015
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chgo Burbs
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am really glad that you opened up to the friend. This person can be there for your wife as she deals with her emotions. It is important the she has an outlet. I am really glad you have a support system as well and your FB sounds like he is there for your at what you believe to be your lowest point.

    My wife had our mutual friends which she uses as support and she has joined the straight spouse network which I imagine is helpful as well. But last week I finally broke through to her that she needs to seek professional help. I will tell you Headshaver, it has been almost 4 months since I came out and moved out on the same day. I actually moved in with someone similar to your FB but I knew it was more than that. Things have been good but I still deal with guilt and panic attacks and suspect that I will for some time. I am seeing a therapist for the first time next week. I am hoping he will help me sort through all of these emotions.

    I agree that you need to tell the kids, for sure they will know that something is up. This lunch could be very helpful to your wife as your mutual friend knows the situation and might be able to remain neutral. Our joint friends did remain neutral but most of the time the guy loses out which is proving to be true. The closest friends check in now and them but most have surrounded my wife. But frankly I would rather have them be there to support her as I have been dealing with my issues for 43 years and her not so much.

    As far as any legal action goes, it wouldn't be a bad thing to know what your options were but not make any overt moves. Mine told me should would never divorce me (retirement funds, post retirement health care plans etc) and that all might change when she meets someone who can love her intimately and personally. Therefore we agreed to an amicable separation agreement which gave her the piece of mind that I was going to do the right thing financially for my family. Despite my assurances that I would do the right thing financially and that our current mixed bills would be taken care of - this document set her mind at ease. Our situations are similar yet different, in that my wife does work has a good job and my kids are 21 and 24. But we have mutual debt that needs to taken care of. However we did agree that moving forward any new debt would be the sole responsibility of that person.

    I write this feeling your pain as it is very fresh and hope that through knowing you are not alone in your feelings of isolation and guilt it will get better. Not quickly, for sure, but it will.

    It will be interesting how the lunch turns out. Take care
     
  7. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    I hope this friend is able to support your wife and you as well! Keep us posted...
     
  8. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Nothing! Sit down with wife after she gets home from lunch.. me - how was your lunch, her - it was great.. she is such a good friend, such a big heart. Me - I'm sorry my situation took the fun out of your lunch discussion. Her - that's fine, it is what it is...
    Me - so I'm just wondering what's next - you know, there isn't a project plan or to-do list. Her- Silence. Me - Honestly, the next thing that needs to occur is that I talk to the girls and then we'll go from there. Her - silence - then she exits the room.

    So that went well --- NOT!
    Drives me crazy that she has reverted back to the mode of how she acted when we first met and were married - don't ask/don't tell/don't talk about it ... and it will all go away.
    She's going to force me to push the issue of moving forward. In her mind, we just keep playing house and everything will be just fine.
    I just don't get it ?
    Anyone else out there have issues with wife in denial or wanting to just keep things the way they are and act like nothing happened?
     
  9. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    Did you call the friend to see if they discussed it?
     
  10. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I thought about calling the friend --- but I didn't want to put her in the middle of us -- remember the reason I called her in the first place was so that my wife would have someone to open up with and trust. So I kind of feel like I would be coming across as using our friend to give me the dirt - so to speak. So I'm just going to let it go and move forward - I know my wife - I've seen this behavior time and time again - when she doesn't want to deal with something she just doesn't talk about it.
    I suppose now the best thing is for me to tell her maybe next week - when she gets back from moving my oldest back from college for the summer - I will sit her down, and tell her, I'm ready to talk to the kids. From there, next step is for me to find a place and put plans in place to move out and that will take some time - I have to think about bank accounts, etc., etc... but first step - tell the kids. I think (hope) they react positively and she will see that they handled it ok... and therefore, it will be OK to talk about the fact that I AM GAY.
     
  11. Clay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2014
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Well my advice for this kids situation is to agree with your friend, don't lie to your kids about this and don't pointlessly wait 3 years. Nothing magical is going to happen in 3 years that will change this anyway, they deserve to know the truth about the situation.

    As for how to go about it, to be frank things are moving forward regardless of your wife's attempts to avoid the situation. Things are progressing, things are changing, there's no avoiding it. You're becoming more independent from her and, while I really think you need to try to get her to talk about this a few more times, I say you should start thinking about telling your kids independently from her. Of course tell her you're planning that, but basically say if she's not willing to have any input or be involved then you're still just going to tell them.

    You don't need her permission or input to tell your kids. It's sad that's she not even talking about it, but things are moving forward regardless, you can't wait for her to say something before you act if she's looking like she wont.
     
  12. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Once again I learn to value baby steps and small wins.
    Friday night dinner with the family and we return home - daughter goes upstairs and me and wife are hanging out. UPS arrives and it is a bouquet of flowers for mothers day that I ordered. She was surprised and loved them... I felt the emotions starting to build thinking about how awesome a mother she is to this family and how she doesn't deserve all the life change, etc., etc., etc., and then I realize that this may in fact be the last mothers day we celebrate as an official "family" as I assume by this time next year I will be on my own. Things are sure to change. So the emotions start running thru my head 100 miles an hour - grab a glass of water to stop the tears that are building - didn't work. One look from wife and the tears start to flow... what's wrong she ask - and I can't begin to put my thoughts into words..
    Over the next 2 hours, we sat at the kitchen table, we talked about her lunch with our friend - nothing earth shattering - except I was able to ask her to please promise me that she will reach out to the friend at least once a week... She agreed. Three things came out of the conversation - Loyalty, how long and possibility of repair AND moving on...
    Loyalty - my wife is the salt of the earth. She is loyal to those who are in her life. That said, she told me that she will be loyal to me - regardless of the events. She will not out me in front of the kids or anyone who finds out I'm gay.
    How long -- I had the opportunity to talk about how long I have known I was gay. She wanted to know if I felt this could be fixed. Oh, how I cried when I answered this question with a no. She held my hand, she knew I was suffering and she cried silently with me. Her sadness was for me - it wasn't for her. I talked to her about all the things I've done to mask who I was over the years.. it made more sense to her.
    Moving on - a very difficult discussion - she asked me if I felt there was any way to just go back - just live the way things are today. I know she wanted to hear yes - but after 3 or 4 minutes of dancing around the answer - I said no. Man - another stab in her heart. I told her that even if we tried - I know deep in her heart - in her soul - that she is so hurt by what I have done, that she could never really love me emotionally and sensually. And by trying to play married, we would be living a lie. I told her that I could never make love to her again knowing that she is not emotionally connected to me and I'm not to her - that I love her too much to treat her like a who're. ]
    All that said, we talked about how hard it will be for me to live alone and she promised to support me and will never let me suffer...
    I'm blessed.. but this is so difficult... She understands I need to tell the girls but has not made a commitment to date... that will come I'm sure. She knows I want to do it in June.

    WOW... what a journey........
     
  13. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    June sounds like a good compromise. Enough time to plan, but not too much to keep thinking about it.
     
  14. BeingEarnest

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2014
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    What a week. I hope you are able to get some rest, and exercise. It sounds basic, but in the midst of so much stress, these helped keep me going and healthy. This is a long process.

    If it seems your wife is in denial at times- which may be a coping mechanism, I guarantee she is not. I imagine this is in her mind all the time, and there is no escape. Be patient with her, and with yourself. There is no time table. You will want to tell the children, but it is worth taking the time between you and your wife to understand what is happening, and get a sense of where you are going. Your relationship with eachother, and the children are going to be their primary concern. Their concern will be for the future, and for their parents.

    A support network is essential. Don't hesitate to talk to friends, see a therapist, seek council and wisdom. Do what you need to do to be well, even if you think she may get upset if you call a friend. Similarly, give her the freedom to talk to people and build her own network of support.

    Peace be with you.
     
  15. SWburbchgo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2015
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chgo Burbs
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Slow and steady wins the race. I think you are making great progress however small you may think it is. I got the lets go back to the way things were conversation and for once I spoke my heart (as you did) and said it was not possible. Yesterday I wished her a Happy Mother's Day and told her she was a great mom to the boys and she said thank you. It was fine. We are both getting professional help separately and I am sure it will be helpful in the long run as we all adapt to the changes of our nuclear family.

    My thoughts are with you.
     
  16. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks all and yes - slow and steady wins the race. Mothers Day was great - we went back home where we grew up to see her family - a 4 hour round trip car ride. We didn't mention anything about me/us/gay. Interesting thing - of course, with her 8 brothers and sisters, we heard A LOT of crazy stuff going in in their life - bankruptcy, unplanned pregnancy, cancer, and one cousin even left her spouse - fell in love with a dooms day preacher from Greece - left the country with this guy and her kids had to get the US Embassy involved to get her home. WTF? Wife says - and I thought we had crazy in our life...
    Today I dropped her off at the airport to go get daughter #1. I sent a text to her telling her before she left I had to tell her that I know we have a lot going on and I wanted to tell her how much I love her and that I have the deepest gratitude for her continuing to love me as a person since I came out. I know it's been rough but we will get thru this together. Her response - thank you and yes, no doubt, this has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I have faith that we will figure things out.
    Sigh... deep breath and remember slow and steady wins the race....

    You see, it's all about perspective..
     
  17. headshaver

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello out there -
    Just a quick download on my progress as I head into post 1 month out of the closet.
    At this point I would have to describe my status as "limbo" given that I don't really know where I am and what exactly is next. The relief of coming out and getting the huge weight off my shoulder has passed and now I'm left felling somewhat confused and lonely. My wife continues to act like noting is wrong although she recognizes what has happened and that I am not going back. I've become more comfortable saying the word "gay" around her when appropriate in our conversations about our current journey.
    Sleeping in the same bed together is just confusing and weird to me. I can't move into another bedroom as my oldest daughter is home for the summer and all the beds are full in the house. I wake up every night at 3 AM and lye in bed for an hour thinking about all of this - I can't break the cycle and it is exhausting.
    Yesterday morning wife asked me what I was thinking about while we sat on the patio having some coffee - I am very honest --- so I told her - I'm thinking about telling the kids at the end of the first week in June, I'm thinking about the fact that we need to look at our finances to determine the budget for me to get an apartment and I'm thinking about where I can live and when I should possibly move. This lead to silence for about 6 hours yesterday.
    For a week I have been working on typing out a letter for my wife that explains everything - all the way back to when I first knew I liked guys but didn't know I was gay. The purpose of this is to help her understand that this is not something I chose, it is not about anything she did or did not do and hopefully will allow her to not blame herself all while understanding the why behind all of this and who I am - along with the struggles I have managed through the years while hiding. I am leaving today for 3 day business travel and I will give her the letter (6 pages for god sake) before I leave. On the outside of the envelope I have written her name with instructions to read this when she is alone and while I am gone.
    I keep reminding myself that this is a journey, not a destination... but at this point I would at least like my plane to push back from the gate :slight_smile:
     
  18. MarthRoyIke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2014
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Everytime I come here and read these Later In Life journeys it reminds me so much of my experience coming out to my ex. Though we only dated for a few years, the same raw emotions you describe are just as real to me - the initial shock, the tears & crying for hours, the "You killed me" and "I ruined everything" comments, the bargaining ("let's just go back to the way it was"), even the awkward but comforting efforts to console each other. I had that exact scenario with the forehead kiss by the pool.

    My ex never described it as me dying, but like the person she knew was no longer in front of her, and she didn't know, didn't like, and was frankly disgusted with this impostor in front of her. I spent months feeling lost, confused, not sure of what direction I was heading in or what it would look like when I'm out the other side of this. I never married my ex, we don't have kids together, and we dated for years after I came out to her, so my story is decidedly different. However, from the familiarity of your post and others, I can tell you it will get better, but it's hard to see how right now.

    I still feel my ex is one of my best friends, and I am definitely one of hers. We still talk, share, and are concerned with each others well being. I'll bat for her any day of the week, and I still get a little jealous when she goes on dates. However, we do not share common ground over this issue. I am "Don't Ask Don't Tell" when it comes to discussing my sexuality and faith. Likewise, I'm more distant with her because I can't share the joy I experience being out; she still feels it's wrong and her judgement is still too painful for me.

    It's a process for us to feel comfortable in this new world we're in, and it takes time. My biggest mistake in my relationship was not being 100% honest. Please, please, keep being open, honest, and authentic with your wife. Don't hide something or soften the blow by lying; trust me it only makes things worse. It looks like you've been doing that for the most part, which is excellent - keep that up. Everyone here is rooting for you.
     
    #78 MarthRoyIke, May 18, 2015
    Last edited: May 18, 2015
  19. SWburbchgo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2015
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chgo Burbs
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    MarthRoyIke - good advice on the honesty and it seems as though things are really working out well for you. I am 4 months out and it is getting better albeit very slowly.
     
  20. CyclingFan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2014
    Messages:
    1,362
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    Northern CA
    MarthRoyIke,

    Yeah, I can relate to everything you said there. The bargaining, the awkward consoling, the wishing that we could go back.

    It's a lot to process.