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coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by headshaver, Apr 19, 2015.

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  1. headshaver

    headshaver
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    MarthRoyIke
    Thanks for the response and I did get some hope from reading that it will get better. Today, well - Yesterday and today, I'm on the road - lots of time alone, which I thought would be good for me, but I find myself feeling really low. I need something good to happen at this point and I can't foresee anything good - perhaps that is because I don't know what good looks like in my life now. I had good... now I have a mess it seems.
    I just keep telling myself that I did the right thing - that I am honest, I don't have to lie anymore ... this has helped me the last few weeks but the last 24 hours it doesn't seem to help... cause I have no clue what is next and I just need some good... I know this is going to be a long journey with a lot of highs and even more low's ... and I know it will get better...
     
    #81 headshaver, May 19, 2015
  2. alex1170

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    Thanks for sharing your story here, its a good read and i'm sure there are (and will be) plenty of other people out there who will benefit from reading this. That being said, I can't imagine having to go through what you have been through in the last month, but I think you did make the right decision. The only advice I really have for you is to seriously evaluate where you see your relationship with your wife in 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 10 years… She sounds like an incredible woman, and it sounds like you two are soul mates to a certain extent. Even though your relationship is not going to be what she (and you at some point) thought it would be, that does't mean it cannot be a very positive one. In fact, it most certainly should be, especially for your kids sake.

    I was a kid not so long ago, and my parents divorced when I was 10. I was devastated when it happened, but I have to say, everything actually worked out for the better in the end. Now that they are divorced, my parents can not only tolerate being around each other, they actually enjoy each others company for the most part (well for short periods of time). Our family is still very much intact even though my parents do not live together or have a relationship that goes beyond a simple friendship.

    I would think your family has great potential to remain not only intact, but even prosperous so long as you and your wife can come to accept things for what they are and not forget that you both still care very much for each other…as really good friends. It will take time, but it sounds like you are on the right path
     
    #82 alex1170, May 19, 2015
  3. headshaver

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    I suppose sometimes what we ask for isn't doesn't always lead to happy outcomes...
    A small thing I noticed today telling me that wife is starting to understand the reality of all of this - she carries a small Dooney Burke wristlet and on the outside there is a photo holder. For years, she kept a small pic of me and her from a date we had in college. I noticed it sitting on the bar today and she has removed the pic. I know she removed the pic as a way to begin the breaking up process - as if to say - I don't love him anymore... he's not part of my life and I don't want to remember the good times we had.
    I know - this was eventually going to happen - I thought I was ready for this to happen -- but obviously I'm not.... sad day for me.
     
    #83 headshaver, May 22, 2015
  4. bi2me

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    I'm sorry... That's a hard thing to just happen upon. You are actually having to go through a 'conscious uncoupling' as some celebrity said of a break up/divorce (I don't follow celebs, so I don't remember who it was).

    Keep your end goals in mind, and be easy on yourself.
     
    #84 bi2me, May 22, 2015
  5. headshaver

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    In an effort to get my self together I went out on the patio. I was sitting alone for a while and wife joined me... What's Wrong? I dodged the question for a bit but then I could feel the knot in my throat and my eyes beginning to water... I tell her I saw she removed our photo, etc... she said she had to take it out because every time she used her wallet she saw the photo and it made her sad. Tears start coming again - we stand up, hug and all I can say is that I am so sorry (for the 500th time). God bless my wife - she just stood there and kept hugging me.
    She told me that she understood - that she read the 6 page typed letter I left for her before leaving to go out of town on Monday. She thanked me for taking the time to tell my journey and she confirmed that she does understand that this is not because of anything she did or did not do - and she said .. I only wish you would have told me 20 years ago. I said, I didn't know what all this meant 20 years ago and even 20 years ago the result would have been the same and the pain would be the same too - she agreed.
    Best part of the whole conversation - she looked at me and told me that she loves me, that she will always love me, and that this does not change who I am and that she loves me just the way I am. Then in her way of humor - she asked me how on earth I thought I was going to be able to balance my own checking account.... (she manages all our finances).
    So progress in the end - and small steps forward..
    Wow - what a journey this has been so far and it ain't over yet.
     
    #85 headshaver, May 22, 2015
  6. Yossarian

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    To use a phrase I have heard before, "It is not the beginning of the end, but it is the end of the beginning." Happy to hear that you are both beginning to make some progress.
     
    #86 Yossarian, May 22, 2015
  7. CyclingFan

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    It was Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. I found it to be a fairly apt description of my situation too. Especially in all the ways we care about each other, but we just couldn't continue the way we were. We were both motivated by causing each other the least pain, in what was going to be tough even under good circumstances.

    I think that animosity in the end of a relationship should be avoided if possible. I dunno, I know there's stuff that brings people together....why can't that relationship still be honored just cause it's changing? No matter what happens going forward, these marriages that many of us have been in or are in are hugely important relationships in our lives.
     
    #87 CyclingFan, May 22, 2015
  8. hanshotfirst

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    Very nice story to hear about you two talking and being more open-it really gives those of us hope who are still waiting to actually come out to our spouses-really hope mine as anywhere as supportive as yours has been so far. Can't even imagine the amount of tears that are going to come!! Good luck
     
    #88 hanshotfirst, May 22, 2015
  9. headshaver

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    I'm a planner - can't help it - that's what I am and that is what I do for a living. I don't make decisions spur of the moment and I always look at all sides of the issue in order to make the best decision.
    Over the weekend, I began thinking about where I will live when I move out - which is TBD. Being open and honest, I told wife about research on apartments and even a townhome near our house that I could purchase. I NEVER said I'm moving out next month or anything like that. She actually talked about the plusses and minuses of both. I said we should look at the finances and determine what makes the most sense. End of subject.
    So this morning, we go to church - the. Message was on Love and Marriage - REALLY? So she's all upset all day because our marriage is over and then throws in my face at how shocked she is that I just want to move on - get a place to live - start living my gay life - and that her and the girls are just an obstacle. WHAT?
    In anger - I said 'look, how long do you expect to keep on playing like we are married and everything is normal - it's not - and at some point I have to move out - and I am just trying to plan in advance and make the best decision that will not impact us financially in a bad way - or I could just move out now and not discuss any of this with you...".
    There was no right or wrong answer I suppose... that's what I get for being honest and trying to plan ahead.
    I suppose this is just another mountain to climb in my journey. For some reason, I don't feel good about coming out again --- and I even told her - I had 3 choices - 1. Tell the truth. 2. Keep lying the rest of my life 3. Kill myself. I chose number 1 and man it really sucks.
    And... the way I feel right now - YES - I do want to just move on.
     
    #89 headshaver, May 24, 2015
  10. Chip

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    Hi, and (belated) welcome to EC. You have done an amazing job of describing your situation and talking about all of the difficult issues. I think you have a really good handle on most of the pieces here.

    One important point that I think might help you: Therapist Joe Kort, who has spent 20 years working with gay men and, important to this context, heterosexually married gay men, has a piece of wisdom that I think is particularly appropriate here: In his years as a therapist, he's found that, almost without exception, the married wives of gay men, once they were past their anger, knew their husbands were gay long before they were told. Often it was an intuition, or some piece of evidence, but in nearly all cases, the wife conspired (unconsciously) with her husband to keep the silence.

    This is a really important and profound piece: It basically says it is not all your fault. She could have brought it up. She could have taken action. She could have made the decision to divorce you. But she didn't. So she conspired just as much as you did.

    Remember, too, that you've had time to think through and process this. It may be completely new to her, at least on a conscious level. So she'll have the stages of loss to deal with (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.) If you're aware of, and expect that... it won't necessarily make things easier, but it will at least allow you to understand.

    I think you're taking a lot of great steps. I would recommend Joe Kort's "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has little to do with finding real love and everything to do with understanding and loving yourself. It also talks in more detail about the issue I mention above.

    I also recommend taking a look at Brené Brown's TED talks (there are three), starting with "The Power of Vulnerability". It will take you a total of an hour to watch all three, but I think it will be really profound and helpful to you. She lives in Houston, too :slight_smile:
     
    #90 Chip, May 24, 2015
  11. OnTheHighway

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    On so many levels, this is so true! (And in the case of our situation, she had the added benefit of me telling her that I experimented with guys before we even got married).

    One other point I would make, as your wife gets through her grieving process, and I have been advised it can take one year for every five years of marriage, you will see your wife strengthen, become more independent and you might even be surprised at how resilient she actually is - three years in, and this has been my experience.

    More so, my wife is now at the point where we are no longer "best friends" but simply "the parents of our children". This is actually a good place to be. She is self sufficient and very independent. We see each other regularly, have our kids to talk about, and often share a silent contemplative moment of understanding that we shall always be connected in life, regardless of where our life takes us.

    So much of what you have expressed thus far has been a similar journey many of us have taken.
     
    #91 OnTheHighway, May 25, 2015
  12. headshaver

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    Thanks for the reference on additional material for me to read and the TED talks. I've added them to my to-do list. Your thoughts on wife knowing that I was gay and not doing anything about it along with my guilt is a toxic combination. Yes - I'm sure she knew our questioned my sexuality along the years of our marriage - I've even told her the same as I refreshed her memory of all the times I didn't execute in bed and the morning I broke down but I didn't tell her about 5 years back. And the fact that I do things around the house that most men wouldn't consider. Regardless, I believe she also recognizes that yes, her world is going to change and she also realizes that all the comforts are soon to change. Like this morning she asked me what we were having for memorial day lunch -- of course, I had the entire menu planned out and she doesn't have to do anything. So all I'm saying here is that the comfortable world is changing.
    One of my very good gay friends who has been thru the same (we've known each other 15 years) told me that the other issue going on here is that I have total control of what happens. I told her I was gay - I told her I want to discuss the budget - I told her I will be moving out, etc - and she has no control over any of this - although I NEVER make it feel like I'm just being the as* hole and I don't care. That is not the case - if anything, I am trying very hard to make sure that her and the girls lifestyle does not change - even going so far as to say I'll suffer before I change the way they live.
    The as* hole side of my brain wants to tell her to step up - be independent, get a job, get on with life and trust that we will work this out together ... but she's got to get engaged in life outside the house. Now, the caring husband/friend/partner part of me says - slow down, let her grieve, let her come to me when she is ready, love her, support her. Somewhere in between there is the sweet spot .
    One last thought before I go start the BBQ for lunch :slight_smile: Another factor that makes all of this such a challenge - and that is pushing me to move out - is that I work from home as I am a remote employee for my company. So there is no getting away.. it's like being in a prison under the watchful eye of the very angry warden. I feel that if I had my own place, at least I would be out from under this stress - and at this point, that small factor is huge given that everything in my life now has stress attached to it. Thank God for Wellbutrin. :slight_smile:
     
    #92 headshaver, May 25, 2015
  13. headshaver

    headshaver
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    The last 24 hours have been really difficult. Let night wife and I attended a b'day party for mutual friends. It was a private concert which was fun. The entire time I was at the party I was so zoned out - all I could think about is what I have done by coming out. No one at the party knew anything - so that isn't what made me uncomfortable and zoned out.. it was the first social setting for me and wife since I came out and it was the first time in 23 years where we were not a couple. Yes, in the eyes of everyone at the party we were a couple - but there was no connection between us - it was like we had a wedge between us while sitting at the dinner table, and while standing around chatting with other folks. We didn't stand next to each other - almost like we knew each other but that was it. Very strange. I kept looking around the room at all the married couples thinking... I had that and now - it's gone and it is all my fault. I was so sad at the party and sad all night.
    All day today for some reason, I just felt guilt. I managed to get through the workday but only after stepping out two times for about 30 minutes to just zone out while I processed the magnitude of my decision and the impact it is having on my wife and my family... and on me. I love my family and I feel so disconnected from them right now. I love my wife and seeing & feeling the distance between us eats away at my insides. I just don't love life like I did before I came out. There isn't anything to be happy about right now - and it is all my fault - all because of my decision to come out. I feel so alone in my journey and today I feel like this is the biggest mistake of my life... nothing good is coming from my decision .. it's just day after day of sadness and uncertainty.
    And - to top things off, my FB "friend" has now stopped communicating with me - we haven't spoken / txt each other since last Friday - -- well, I've txt him a few times, but no response. I don't know ... last txt conversation we had was good back and forth about things going on in my life, he was checking on me, I was asking about plans for the weekend, his dogs, etc. Now - he's gone silent --- and I know he is "online" since I see him today on ****** .. online and looking. Whatever.. I guess I was just a piece of as* for him although it certainly didn't feel that way over the last 5 months since we met. I'm sure this won't be the last time I'm used and dropped.. It's sad though - I really liked him and we had a tremendously crazy chemistry together.
    So sorry for the sadness of this post - and I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me... I made the decision to come out - I just need something good to come from my decision because it just isn't getting better......
     
    #93 headshaver, May 28, 2015
  14. hanshotfirst

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    I feel so bad for you, things sounded like they were going somewhat good for awhile there! I was using your story as a hopeful one to help me with my attempt to come out to my wife and family in next couple weeks-now I'm getting even more nervous than I was before. I'm already so scared to do it and worried about feeling so isolated. Please keep your chin up. I really hope things get better for you!!
     
    #94 hanshotfirst, May 28, 2015
  15. headshaver

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    Thanks for your kind thoughts - but like I said in my last comment, don't feel bad for me :slight_smile:
    There are a few reasons I continue to post and share my journey - a) I value the support and guidance from other EC members who have traveled this road before me. They keep me in the swim lanes. b) I hope that by sharing my story I can help others who are struggling and c) my experience will provide a balanced view of what happens in your life when you do come out - decide to be honest - stop lying and accept who you are.
    Not that I am the best person to give advice .... but I will say to you that you need to do this (come out) for you - no one else! Use my story as a reference to help you think thru the positives and negatives that you'll face once you come out. Before you come out, do some serious soul searching and understand - really understand who you are and make sure this isn't just a passing phase or some fantasy in your head. Your decision to come out will set the foundation for the rest of your life. You and only YOU can determine who you are. Realize that there will be highs and lows along the way - and the lows are really low. Let me put it this way --- you have to wake up every day and be able to look yourself in the mirror and say that you are comfortable with who you are, and you are happy to be true to those who love you - regardless of the circumstances.
    For me - yes, I'm in a very low place right now - but I woke up this morning and looked in that mirror - and I still believe that I made the right decision - I believe it in my heart. I know I am no longer lying to myself and my wife. I know I am a good person - this did not change who I am and I have to remember that this is like pealing an onion -- layers of lies to be pealed away. Be strong!
     
    #95 headshaver, May 29, 2015
  16. hanshotfirst

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    Thanks Headshaver-I too value all the support and guidance here at EC and I really appreciate hearing all the honest stories and struggles people here have gone through. I know it's all not going to be "rainbows and unicorns" and there are going to be MANY more sad times initially to start.
    I do want to come out for myself-it was so liberating coming out to my friend at work but I know I now need to go full speed ahead(or probably slow speed ahead) and start the coming out process to the family over next few weeks(going on family cruise this Sunday and waiting til we get home)-just so God damn nervous now that it's getting closer and closer and I'm starting to freak out a bit.
    This definitely isn't a passing phase as I've had these feelings/desires deeply repressed since I was a teenager and just too scared to act on them. I really wish I was growing up in today's times as a teenager-seems like a much more accepting time than back in the
    70's and I could be able to act on my desires and not staying in the closet for 30 years-what a waste!!!
     
    #96 hanshotfirst, May 29, 2015
  17. MarthRoyIke

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    Truth. That is the defining difference between myself right now and myself a year ago. It sucks the rejection I'm feeling and that those closes to me can't understand my point of view or the actions I take to heal myself. But I still feel it is the best decision, even if it doesn't lead me in the direction I thought it would.
     
    #97 MarthRoyIke, May 29, 2015
  18. headshaver

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    I'm really at a cross road today and I am trying to determine how to deal with this issue.
    Over the weekend wife, daughter an I are shopping . I walk to get a coffee while they shop. I'm waiting in line for coffee and get a Facebook message from a friend - a friend - nothing else. I'm responding and wife & daughter walk up behind me as I am finishing my message to friend and I put my phone in my pocket. Wife has this irritated look on her face and I blow it off then she states she will meet me at another shop down the way. Ok fine.
    At the next shop she is walking around, avoiding me, not talking - daughter is in one section and I'm with wife up in another section. Wife comes to me, says "when we are out together I would appreciate if you respect me and stop having txt conversations with the person who has replaced me.". WTF???
    I immediately tell her that I was chatting with a friend and that there isn't anyone who has replaced her - this is true - I do not have a boyfriend and I haven't been with anyone since a month before I came out. Daughter walks up and conversation ends. We have not had a chance to finish the discussion.
    What I realize here is that my wife basically doesn't trust me now and anything I do - any phone call, any txt message, any meeting I have outside the house - leads her to think I am meeting up with "the person who has replaced her". It's clear to me that until I move out I will be under a microscope every minute of every day.
    So -- I need to speak with wife today - tell her again that there isn't anyone who has replaced her, tell her that I really feel like now is a time for us to start thinking about the living arrangements sooner rather than later. This means, a)I need to speak with my kids about coming out b)I need to sit down with wife and discuss finances c) I need to find a place to live d)I need to plan on being out of the house in the next month.
    Wow - that is a lot! Scares the crap out of me honestly....
     
    #98 headshaver, Jun 1, 2015
  19. bi2me

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    Scary, yes, but you have an organized list of things to accomplish. That's a place to start. Good thoughts your way.
     
    #99 bi2me, Jun 1, 2015
  20. OnTheHighway

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    I had a very similar experience during the time I was still home. My advice, is to hold off from texting. It does not matter whom you are texting, she will be suspicious. At the same time, be careful with your texts. I had the unfortunate experience of sending texts to the wrong person, and that gets really sticky!!!!

    In regard to the other discussion points, you may want to consider taking one at a time. Its a lot to chew on in one discussion. Clearly, you will not come to agreement on finances before needing to move out, and to move out, you need to have the discussion with your kids. A general framework on finances and moving out would be in good order before talking to the kids, but it might not be anything more than comforting her that you and she will work together on the finances (assuming she agrees) and your need to move out by x date. So, would seem the discussion with your kids is the first order of business after the general discussion. Thereafter more specific talks of finances should come.

    Rest assured, how ever much you think about it and try and plan, there will be curve balls thrown at you every step of the way. Try not to get too anxious each time a curve ball is thrown. Just do you best to react to it and keep your eye on the end goal.

    Also, you also mentioned in the prior post, your FB is not responding. Keep in mind you going through a lot. Its hard for someone you have only known for five months to be very supportive while you are going through such a difficult period. I am sure having him was a nice crutch for you, but keep in the mind you are effectively on the rebound. He knows it, and he is most likely proceeding with caution. As well, there are other fish in the pond.......
     
    #100 OnTheHighway, Jun 1, 2015
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