coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

My wife also said on many occasions that it was like I died, but was still there. I am not one to yell, but one day I loudly said I'm still here. I'm still alive.

It was heart breaking to be so close, and utterly unable to reach out and touch eachother.
I recently watched the movie 'the sixth sense', which I had seen before, but in light of this experience, had me in tears. It is a wierd feeling to go about life but not be recognized in the same way. And even more perplexing, when for the first time in your life, you are actually coming alive to a part of life everyone else takes for granted.

We lived together 9 months after my coming out. Though in separate bedrooms. It was never the same, and did not get easier. But it did help us transition, and some parts of life on my own are simpler now.

 

It is just my intuition, but I don't think you should tell her about having or making plans to move out right now. What she needs is stability right now. She needs to feel that nothing is going to change out of her control, at least until she figures out what SHE wants to do, and that will take her time, which you should give her. Meanwhile, you should continue to do things as you usually do, until she is ready to tell you what she wants to do, or wants you to do. She needs to see you being the person she has always depended on to "do the right thing" by her. Once she has calmed down and accepted what you have told her about your sexuality, there are many different outcomes which are possible, depending on what each of you want, and whether you both act reasonably and in the children's best interests. Keep an open mind, and listen to what her fears and concerns are, and try to keep emotions to a minimum, although that is going to be difficult. Make sure you have a box of Kleenex nearby when you talk; BTDT.

 

headshaver, I think Late Robert and others gave solid advice. You really want to not "throw up all over your wife's shoes". Take baby steps. She's going to need time to digest some things. My wife turned out to be very supportive and I really didn't know how it would go. That was 3 years ago. We're still in a loving, committed marriage. It helps me to know she truly knows me now. I'm no saint but I made a decision to make my being gay my cross to bear- not just her's.

 

This is my first post and you're almost exactly in the same situation as me. I've been married and hiding my real feelings about my sexuality since before I could remember and have two children(one in college and one in high school). Your story is so touching and I'm having so many of the same feelings/worries/questions. Please keep posting and keep me updated on how things are going-best of luck!

 

:welcome: hanshotfirst!

I hope you find comfort in camaraderie here. There are many married folks who are questioning or coming to terms with their sexual or other 'new' identity. You aren't alone!

 

Thanks Bi2me, I appreciate it. I've read a few different threads already and many are so touching and have even brought me to tears

 

It got a little dusty in here suddenly.

 

Dwayne-It's really so nice to hear how supportive your wife is trying to be. Gives me such hope about trying to do the same. We have a cruise to go on at the end of May so really hating to have to put off this talk about coming out to my wife that much longer but do not want to ruin trip for both of us, my daughter and her friend along with others going too. Whole situation is just eating me up inside each day.
Hope everything continues to go in the right direction for you!

 

Dwayne - once your wife gets through some of the initial shock, she may well realize that she hasn't lost her best friend at all. You're doing a great job of juggling your own feelings and hers, and you are truly behaving like you ARE her best friend. Kudos to you.

Spouse's reactions can be all over the board. Part of their reaction depends on who they are. My wife's emotions have had more ups and downs that an EKG since I told her a year and a half ago, and I've become very brutally aware that I'm a far better friend to her than she's ever been to me. But the eventual distance between us will temper my frustration with her, which has grown steadily over the 22 years we were married, and I'm sure I'll eventually be able to deal with her endless phone calls and neediness with some genuine affection (along with a mild eyeroll, however!). My partner's wife reacted in a much more brutal fashion and I'm guessing he'll tolerate her (barely) until the kids are adults and then erase her completely from his memory.

Part of the reaction depends on our behavior towards them too, though. We can be wrapped up in our own feelings and be focused on only ourselves, or we can consider theirs and work with them. You're going through some rough changes, Dwayne, and that's going to be painful for both of you. But what you've described so far is pretty close to the gold standard for coming out of a healthy relationship. You're doing great so far. Keep up the good work.

 

No, there's no getting rid of it, and it's definitely not something that needs fixing. I was (and still am) very worried about my STBX. She's never had the best judgement in many ways, and a big part of what drew us together in the first place was that she brought out the "rescuer" in me, and I mistook that obsession for finally finding "the right girl" who would make that pesky gay thing wither away. So I totally understand your concern about her.

It's taken a long time and we're not there yet, but I think she finally recognizes that I'm not going to disappear from her life or our teenage daughters' lives. She still has a lot of resentment that flares up depending on who she's talking to at the time, but at least the venomous shouting matches between us seem to have abated. The fact that I met an incredibly special guy (without even looking) 6 months after coming out to her didn't help, although in some ways it brought to a head everything that had been simmering for, really, many years. Now at least she believes all this is real. I suspect in the end we may be better as friends, than as spouses with expectations of one another that can never really be met.

Be kind to her, as you're already doing, and don't rush any changes in either of your lives. There's no timetable, and your life and relationships will be as positive as you allow them to be. This is a new beginning but it doesn't have to be a complete gut-wrenching break from the past either. I've had plenty of fear and anxiety over the past 2 years, but also great happiness and satisfaction, and I'm getting more and more certain that this was the right thing to do. Best of luck to you, and I hope 2 years from now you feel the same.

 

Headshaver, the story of your coming out to your wife is very reminiscent of my own, which occurred almost a year ago. My wife and I are still together, though making plans toward separation. We're not in a hurry. We are still each other's best friend and greatest supporter. We even advise each other on potential dates. And we laugh and joke about our situation a lot.

One thing that strikes me about your situation is your wife's overwhelming feelings of sadness. My wife experienced the same, and her doctor put her on a mood-stabilizing medication, which she expects to take for about two years. This medication has made all the difference for her — she still becomes emotional, but it kind of knocks the edges off. Initially I was not happy with her being on a medication (we neither of us medicate casually). From time to time I ask whether she thinks being on the medication is still necessary, and so far, she has always answered in the affirmative, calling it a "lifesaver."

 

Keep in mind that grief is natural and part of the healing process.

 

Relax.

Take it slow.

You have been digesting this for years while your wife just had her first taste.

This too shall pass.

 

I told my older daughter the day after I told my wife, and was told I had overstepped by coming out to her without "permission". She asked me (well, demanded, really) that I wait some unspecified amount of time before telling our other daughter, but then a few months later, after a conversation with a therapist neighbor, she suddenly demanded I tell her immediately. And when I did, I got in trouble for telling her on my own, without (apparently) supervision or whatever. Some times you just can't win.

Part of that was my STBX's general control-freak personality, but a fair chunk of it is also that this is completely new territory for both of you, and no one, not her and realistically, not you or I, knows how to handle the revelations and secrets and honesty. It's unfortunate and unfair, but we really have to be the grownups in this, and just keep rolling with the hystrionics and shape-shifting. And realistically, you're going through a huge shift in perception yourself, so things are going to hit you in many different ways than they used to as well. One of the stranger by-products of coming out is that I find my emotional responses to things are not at all the same as they used to be. I get much more emotional over some things, and much less about others, than I used to be. It's less that I've changed dramatically; more like the emotions aren't being processed through the same set of filters and controls that once were.

It takes awhile to process the change in the relationship, too. Your comments about the volleyball match rang very true. We haven't been overtly affectionate in years--our relationship has been rough for a long time--but I had always gone out of my way to present us as a united front. After I came out to her, that didn't seem important anymore, and it's taken some time to reinvent the image we present (and it's still doing on, as our marriage winds down and more people find out about where things are headed). Some of it was very unconscious, and some of it was more direct, like starting to refer to her as "the girls' mother" instead of "my wife". The truth is, though, that most people are astonishingly thick-headed and very few of them have picked up on any of it. In some ways it becomes more of a challenge when they actually DO know, because some people have more trouble adapting to change than others. (My daughter's Confirmation was yesterday, and I was a mess wondering how the get-together after would go. My brother and his wife were far, far less distant than I expected, which was wonderful, and her brother didn't say a word--which was wonderful in a way too!)

Hang in there, bud. It's going to be a rollercoaster for some time, but it does get better. After a year and a half, I still get frustrated and confused and upset, and things are still working themselves out, but I also feel less like a victim of circumstances and other peoples' emotions, and more in charge of myself. It takes work, though, and you learn to accept incremental progress with some setbacks. It's rough some days, but in the end it's worth it.

 

headshaver, you say "life was perfect". Perhaps it was: for her- but not for you. I congratulate you for coming out to your wife. It had to be done for you to have any opportunity to live a fuller life. I know everything is upside down now and it appears that life was so simple as long as you kept your secret to yourself. As others have said, it will gradually get better. My prayers are with you and your family, buddy.

 

You are also being honest and yourself for the first time (in forever... Cue the Frozen music). You can't discount helping yourself be yourself. There is a lot of value in that!