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coming out to wife of 23 yrs.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by headshaver, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. MarthRoyIke

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    I've been in a similar situation where a text or call is misconstrued as you somehow exercising your homosexuality. A 2 minute call to a friend turned into a huge argument on how other people are affecting our relationship and how my 'closeness' to X makes her uncomfortable. No amount of explanation really eases her mind, because even if you're right and you prove that it was innocent, the distrust is still there.

    I did OnTheHighway's solution; I stopped answering calls and texts from anyone except close family while I was around her. I never did anything, saw anyone, or talked about anything that would feed that distrust even if I knew it was innocent. Ultimately that never worked because things outside of your control (like any random guy being just too friendly, regardless if you know them or not) trigger her all the same. It makes it really hard to function avoiding anything that could ever be perceived as gay.

    You'll feel better once there is actual physical space between you two. It'll suck but you'll be able to breathe.
     
  2. headshaver

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    Good advice everyone.
    OnTheHighway - you are spot on in your thoughts about the sequence of things. Actually, wife and I talked this morning to finish up the conversation we never got to finish over the weekend. I told her again that I had no one (and my FB doesn't count as we haven't seen each other in over 2 months). We talked about how given the circumstances I can understand why she feels that way - whether it is a text, phone call, email or whatever - she may think bad things. Fair enough. We talked about telling the girls - we both agree that they are smart, they will pick up on our distance from each other or they may hear from something and find out and we would look bad at that point. Additionally, we both agree that they must know before I can move out.
    Agreement was reached on sitting down this weekend and discussing the finances to determine what I can afford to rent, etc. so we will have somewhat of a plan in place after telling the girls because they will surely wonder why I am still living / sleeping with Mom if I am gay.
    Several tear moments throughout the conversation but in the end, we agreed that this was best.
    ON the issue of my FB - well, who knows what is happening and honestly I don't have mental capacity to deal with it all. He's become hit or miss on communication and my personal opinion is that communication is a two way street. I'm open, honest with him and I expect the same - I appreciate he is keeping me at arms length so he doesn't get hurt and isn't treated like a second thought. Honestly - I thought long an hard about it all today and mailed him a note telling him that I care for him, that I want to have a relationship beyond FB and that I would need him to be patient with me till I get though all of this that I'm dealing with... but the bottom line message is that he understood I care for him, think about him often and would be happy to try and build something more than just FB - knowing my life is a mess right now. We'll see what he says - but I ended it saying that if he's interested let me know if not then don't respond and I will be on my way. I just don't have time for mental games right now and either he is part of my life or it wasn't meant to be (which would be sad).
    As always - everyone - thank you for your support and for allowing me to use this forum to express my feelings, concerns, questions.... Peace to all of you.
     
  3. headshaver

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    Business travel this week was better than 2 weeks ago. This weeks travel was more positive and I wasn't nearly as down about my decision. I met with a very good friend who works for the same company. He knew something was wrong - as we talked he kept asking if I was ok - saying I look very tired, that I'm not my usual happy go lucky positive person. I kept saying no.. after he asked for the third time, I told him I needed to tell him that me and wife are separating. He was shocked and asked me why - I tried to avoid telling him and said it was because of a mistake I made.. of course he wanted to know what I did - and I looked him in the eye and told him that I had come out to wife. He was confused and repeated what I said as if he was trying to understand, he repeated what I said then said "oh.. oh my God, what?". I told him again and added "I'm gay". He was as white as a ghost. But after about 30 seconds, he got up, came around his desk and hugged me, told me that he was so sorry I had to lie for all these years and that he is proud of me for having the balls to tell the truth. WOW!! He stated that this changes nothing as far as our friendship and then we confined to talk for an hour about all of this.

    I came home last night. It was nice to be home. I feel the distance between me and wife continuing to grow. Last night in bed - after being away for 4 days by myself, I felt so uncomfortable sleeping in bed with wife. I really need to seriously start thinking about moving out. I am so scared to move out and be alone but I also can't take the unspoken friction between me and wife. I'm the type of guy who couldn't sleep well if we ever had a fight -- so I'm not sleeping well and the whole thing is becoming more uncomfortable. I need to look at the financials this weekend and then agree on telling my kids. I feel so guilty not telling them and it is a huge weight on my shoulders. I just want to tell them the truth. I did all of this to be honest and stop living a lie - but each day that this drags on is another day of living the lie.
    My FB is gone. Sad but true. I emailed him last Thursday telling him how I felt, how I appreciate him and his support, how I am interested in taking this to a deeper lever - be more than a F*ck. I just laid it all out there - and I asked if he wanted to go there then to txt me and we could meet to discuss - or if he wasn't then I would know if he didn't respond. Well - he didn't respond. Yesterday, I sent a text to him - just as a follow up to my mail and told him that given that I have not heard from him I assumed it was his way of telling me to move on. I thanked him for all his support and friendship the last 4 months and I told him again how much I care for him and that he is a wonder man and an amazing lover. I said I was glad our paths crossed and I hope that if he changes his mind that our paths will cross again - but until that happens I will go on my way. It felt good to get closure on my end but it would be so wonderful to just hear back from him so I can close this up completely. I'm sad things didn't work out...
    I'm so ready for something good to come out of all of this...
     
  4. Clay

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    Wish I could help you more, it looks like it's going to be a long journey is ups and downs, but all I can do is wish you luck and remind you there's a lot of us here hoping the best for you in all this.
     
  5. MOGUY

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    Headshaver, I thank you for your posts. I and others on here can appreciate what you're going through. I was wondering what triggered your coming out to your wife. Was the timing due to the anticipation of a close relationship with your buddy? Now that it appears that's not going to happen, do you feel just as strongly about coming out? Please understand I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable and if you don't wish to answer, I understand. It's just something I keep asking as I read your posts. And I'm sorry the relationship did not develop. After all these years of staying in the closet, my guard fell when I developed a crush on another guy and I knew from the beginning there was no way a relationship could develop between us. I eventually slipped into a deep depression. Oh well...long story.
     
  6. headshaver

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    moguy - I appreciate your kind words about my post and I hope others gain insight from my journey. I actually thought maybe I should stop posting since this thread is so long. If I am helping others then I will continue.
    Your questions are valid and I don't' mind sharing.
    I'll answer the second question first - it's easier to answer. Did my anticipation of a relationship with my FB push me to come out? Yes and No. I had been contemplating coming out to my wife over the last year - I've been wanting to come out for 5 years but a turn of events in my life stopped me from coming out. I had an affair with another man 5 years ago. Another married man who lives in the same city. We met at a bookstore one day, exchanged emails and the relationship continued to grow over a two year period. We went to sporting events together, we went out once a month and had dinner, dated, even had a weekend get away. We feel in love with one another and both were preparing to divorce our spouses and move to another city. Two days before I was to tell my wife I was gay and leaving, he called me and told me he couldn't go through with it and the relationship was over. It took me a few years to get over that and along the way I satisfied my man 2 man urges through hooking up on business travel. In November of last 2014 the FB and I started an ongoing email exchange after meeting on grind (don't judge) and finally in January 2015 we got together. He wasn't like other men I had met since my affair - we had this chemistry - it was intense and - well, I won't go into all of that - but it was during this time I realized how true intimacy felt and that I indeed liked men as I started having feelings for FB. I did not come out because of FB - in fact, he and I talked about me coming out and that it was not for him. But the time I spent with FB confirmed for me that feeling you get of bliss of sexual satisfaction and I just knew it was time.
    Why did I come out to my wife - short answer - I was tired of lying. You see, every year for the last 5 years as my birthday month (June) approaches, I tell myself - not another year will go by hiding, lying, being in the closet. Every year I chickened out. This year, I just new that I was ready. And yes, perhaps in the back of my mind - in the VERY back of my mind, I hoped that once I moved out, once things settled down, maybe in the new year, FB and I would become more. But I came out to stop the lie.
    I know in my heart that good things will come from my decision... I just have to keep my eyes open to see the good along the way... and realize that it is a journey.
     
  7. MOGUY

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    Thank you for such a frank and honest response. I really hope for the best for you and your family. May you all find peace.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Worries about being alone, gay or straight, are obviously common in society; your not alone in that regard. Try and push down worrying about that for the time being and focus on your current situation. Which would seem to be the need to tell the kids and move out.

    Still sharing the same bed with you spouse under the circumstances you described is definitely going to be difficult; I had the same issue and it got to the point while I was still in the house that ŵe began to sleep in different rooms (the kids definitely knew something was up then). Mentally, you have moved on, but your also trying to manage your family
    situation. The reality is, sometimes you can not manage things and you need to go with your heart and head. At the same time, kids need the truth and transparency, you owe it to them to resolve it sooner than later. They have good senses and are certainly aware already something is up.

    Get a specific date set to tell your kids and then move out. You will have plenty of time to find someone; and find them under the right circumstances - not as two married guys sneaking around, not as an FB hoping for something more, but someone you meet starting out with the intentions of finding love in the first instance.
     
  9. Chicagoblue

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    I am in the pre-coming out stage and have visualized for myself most of the anguish you are going through. I'm out to myself and to random gay / bi strangers. Kids, finances all the usual stuff.

    So glad you've shared- and in such vivid detail.
     
  10. headshaver

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    Well -- life has a way of taking you down the path you may not want --- had to put one of our Shiatsu dogs to rest this morning. She starting barring last Wednesday and barfed until Saturday morning. Something happened and she went into labor breathing - 4 vets and a animal hospital later, we had to put her down this morning. This has been a huge emotional event in the family. I can't imagine telling the kids that I am Gay for a while now. I have to let them heal and that timing is uncertain. The guilt I feel is huge - not about the dog, God knows I did everything in my power to save her, but I have this guilt that since I came out to my wife there is this cloud of bad events hanging over our family.... I know it's not true but nonetheless, the feeling exist.
    And the journey continues...
     
  11. headshaver

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    And my day gets better..
    Finally heard back from FB – a text saying he can’t give me what I am looking for right now and that it’s best we don’t see each other. He wished me the best of luck on my journey and he's sure that our paths will cross again in the future.
    Damn it -- why do I have to have such an emotional connection with people... I wanted an FWB - more than just a random FB every so often... he wants just a piece... he was such an amazing guy too. Well as they say - everything happens for a reason.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    There never will be a perfect time. Road blocks will always come up. Sometimes you need to just plow ahead.

    Regarding your FB, per one of my prior posts, that should be ow on the priority list of things to worry about. You will have significantly more opportunities to meet people when you can genuinely be yourself.
     
  13. headshaver

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    "Why do you hate me?" is the question that was thrown at me yesterday by wife as we discussed the budget for me moving out.
    Over the last two weeks things have been calm around the house and my wife continues to act like nothing has happened. There is however an unspoken friction / level of discomfort between us - especially at night when we go to bed.
    On Sunday I finally brought up the subject of how long we were going to play happy married couple and dance around the elephant in the room - I am gay. No answer really and I believe that the best thing for me to do is move out - take the elephant out of the room and stop walking around on pins and needles. I asked for a copy of our budget to determine my living arrangement options. She provided me with a copy.
    For the last week I have been working to find a place that would fit into the budget - my objective is to ensure that nothing in her life or the girls life changes. That means instead of getting a divorce we simply separate and we remain in separation state for the next 3 years until my daughter graduates. I will continue to support (meaning pay for everything) until graduation. Wife can go back to work at her own pace knowing that the support ends in 3 years. Sounds workable to me - right?
    I find a town home 5 miles from our current home. It is available for move in at the end of August. In order to fit the mortgage payment into our budget, I cashed in one of my annuities to use for down payment and to get the place set up. I ask wife to meet yesterday to discuss and it was like the day I told her I was gay - she was in shock - sitting in my office saying nothing. She said three comments --- 1. Why do you hate me so much. 2. The more you talk the worse this gets and 3. I don't care where you live.
    So friends - where to go from here? I really want her to be in agreement as to where I live and what I purchase. I want her help but she seems to have decided that she wants no part of this.
    I tried very hard to stay polite - the only thing I said was after she suggested I hated her - I said "if I hated you, I wouldn't be supporting you and this lifestyle for the next 3 years and instead I would be giving you divorce papers right now.....".
    I'm trying to do the right thing - I really am trying to not impact her and the girls more than I have already.. I just don't get why the heck she doesn't understand.
    ..... and the journey continues...
     
  14. OnTheHighway

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    I know this might be painful, but you should talk to lawyer. You can still manage the relationship as you outlined, but it might be better to do so through a legal seperation to avoid confusion down the road.

    In regards to your wife, she sounds like she is in a state of denial. Until you move out, the reality may not sink in.

    Your trying to be civil which is great, it's what I did, but when I moved out, that's when everything really set in, not only for her, but myself.
     
  15. allnewtome

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    I think the reality of the situation and how it altars her life not just for the future but from a day to day stand point has hit her with the realization that things are actually going to be changing.

    Seeing you, sharing a home etc after your coming out has likely kept her at ease, as emotional an impact as your coming out was for her, her life probably hasn't changed all that much from a routine sense now she's faced with the inevitable. You are being civil and mature and try to stay that course odds are she will adjust to the new reality.
     
  16. headshaver

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    Happy Birthday!
    Well, yesterday was my birthday and man was this year different than years before. My kids of course were normal - really nice cards, a few great gifts and lots of hugs. They made me feel special. Of course they don't know I'm gay (that comes in 2 weeks after we return from vacation on July 10th) so as far as they are concerned things are normal. Wife on the other hand - not so much in the happy birthday mood. This year she planned nothing. I had to make reservations for dinner - no cake/cupcake, no blow out the candle and make a wish. She did manage to pick up a few gifts and I think that only happened because my kids would have asked questions.
    Today I stepped out to go to the gym and when I returned there was a card on my office desk. A pretty general card wishing me a happy birthday and her comment was only that she hoped 49 was a great year for me and she hoped I get what I want from life.
    I'm not sure what I expected - yes, I didn't expect a big thank you but damn - a birthday is a birthday. Let's just say that I wouldn't treat her that way.
    Oh - best part - I get a text message from sister-in-law ... happy birthday - I know you are going thru a lot right now and I am worried about you. hope to catch up soon. WTF? To wife - did you tell sister in law? Oh - yes - about 4 weeks ago. I snapped -asking her to please let me know in the future if she tells someone so that I am prepared.
    I don't know... I'm tired - tired of playing the limbo game. I'm ready to move out as much as it pains me to think about how sad that transition will be... I'm scared of being alone but that must be better than the silent treatment. I ask my wife every day if she is ok and her response is "its all relative..." so I think I will just stop asking.
    I've lost so much of my excitement for life these last 4 months since coming out.... the emotional drain is exhausting. I suppose it's time to pull the trigger and go put cash down on an apartment and we'll go from there - at least that way she won't see me. I met with my boss last week and asked him to get me in the air -- meaning, get me on a plane and send me wherever you want.... that's how much I want to get out of the house...
    Not sure where i'm going with all of this other than to just unload to my virtual friends who care more for my well being than my wife of 23 years.....sad how quickly she forgets how I have provided for her for 23 years and how good her life is... as she goes to lunch with her girl friends. Blah....
    and the journey continues......
     
  17. Chicagoblue

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    Thanks for sharing. You're strong!
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    :birthday: (!) :birthday: (!!) :birthday:

    Happy Birthday from your friends at EC. We know you are going through hell. Soon you will realize your dream of living your life the way you were born to live it. You've come so far. Stay strong and proud. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:

    (&&&)
     
  19. hanshotfirst

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    Yes happy belated birthday from all of us here at EC who have been following your journey! We're all here to support you and it seems like putting down the cash on your own place will bring some much needed relief/peace of mind. Last 2 and a half weeks for me since coming out have been a roller coaster too. Try to keep your chin up
     
  20. headshaver

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    PRIDE!
    This last weekend was somewhat of a coming out again weekend.
    Wife goes out of town to visit sister-in-law for a girls weekend. I'm left at home which is fine by me. She needs some time away to think about things. While I'm home alone for 24 hours I take advantage of the time alone and do more apartment shopping. I've narrowed down the options and to two places. Running the financials now and will present to wife today at some point.
    It was PRIDE weekend across America this weekend. Two of my gay friends invited me to go to PRIDE with them but I couldn't as I was home Saturday with oldest daughter. I had breakfast with my friends Sunday morning and they told me all about PRIDE. I love these guys -they have taken me under their wing and provide me with guidance but always allow me to make the decision that is best for me. I wake up Sunday morning and check Facebook. OMG - I see everyone putting their pic on Facebook with the gay pride colors. Get this - 3 of my fraternity brothers come out and two guys I know professionally who I have worked with for a few years come out. I got this sense of relief by seeing these guys coming out and I sent them all a message telling them happy pride - and letting them know that I came out to wife in March. WOW - that felt GREAT! And, the best part was the immediate love and support I got from each of them. One of my fraternity brothers was married too and has younger children. We were close in college and drifted apart, but into he last 24 hours we have exchanged our stories and I can tell our relationship is coming together again since we have much more in common. It just felt great to tell my friends that I am gay. I am so ready to tell my children. Yes, it will be difficult but I am ready. July 11th - D Day!
    Peace to all of you folks out there on the journey... hang on to the good days and push through the bad days....