When you were in denial, what made you think you weren't what you are?

The homophobic family and religion I grew up with made me hide my true identity. Now later in life I have realized that I was always gay. Marrying a woman was wrong and in many ways I regret it. But I am me out to myself and those I love.




Religion is the opium of the people. Karl Marx:lol:

 

I was never in denial. I have no regrets of being myself and I'm proud of me for who I am

 

Because I really did think I had feelings for girls.

The feelings for guys were not all that clear. I'm the kind of person who doesn't really look at others all the time and checks them out.

all I knew was that every once in a while I would find that one "best friend" that would make my heart beat faster, someone I woke up for, someone I felt like I couldn't go a day without, someone that in the summer without talking to them I was sad everyday.

When it became clear, after lots of evidence, I knew I was gay.

 

I had always wanted a normal life with a wife and family. I was clinging to that.

 

I was abused by my stepfather and thought if I couldn't make a sexual & romantic relationship with a man work, then that was my abuser continuing to influence my life. I wanted to prove that I wasn't f'd up and could have a healthy relationship with a man. After a lot of therapy I was able to have sex with men without having flashbacks. But the thing is I was still attracted to women. And that is something that being sexually abused by a man did not create. It took me a really long time to see these as separate. Especially because my first therapist and my parents thought my coming out as bi at age 19 was directly related to my recovery from the abuse. Nope. Finally at age 38, I know and accept that I love and am attracted to women. It's not that I'm repelled by or afraid of (or can't find) men.

 

Think I figured myself out a bit more. I was never really 'in denial'.

I think I instinctively hid any 'gay' traits I had.. not because they were 'gay', but just because I was *the* kid that got bullied about anything in primary school... Making me an expert in acting/appearing completely average, not trying to be anything besides unnoticeable. You do that long enough I guess you believe your own disguise.
I guess then I never really came to terms with all that until recently. I mean I have been dealing with it for many years, but its been an ongoing process up until this point where finally I think things are coming to an end.

 

"I'm just not obsessed with sex and dating like the other guys. What's the big deal?"

"Girls are too much trouble to deal with. How can I handle a relationship when I don't even have my own life in order?"

"You just lack confidence and you're too nice"

"I don't speak with a lisp, flop my hands around, wear make up, listen to pop, spend my time gossiping with the ladies, or wear bright clothing"

"Every gay person says they know when they're young, so you'd know something that obvious by now"

"Everyone has their sexual quirks, and the fact that it's edgy and taboo only makes it that much more appealing!"

"Wouldn't you be constantly checking out men and going gaga over certain male entertainers?"

"Gay men are always thinking of penises, muscles, and body hair, when I don't care"

"Gay men are turned off by and think vaginas are disgusting"

"See? You've fallen in love with and enjoyed sex with girls so you can't be"

"I'm just extremely open-minded and comfortable with my sexuality"

"You only need a break from women"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"It's just a bromance"

 

Is there a checkbox for "all of the above"? I think every single one of those has flashed through my thick skull at one point or another!

 

I was also abused by my uncle and random men from when I was 14-19. I feel really uncomfortable and repelled when guys want to get close. I still have very strong romantic and sexual feelings for guys but cannot form a lasting connection. But for women its totallly different, I also get very attached to my female friends and feel like they are my world. Only now are my sexual feelings really starting to show for women (real women not just porn). I see myself with a woman but then I meet a man and that all changes. I'm so confused lol.

 

I have been in denial for over 30-years. I am now coming to terms with the man in the mirror. I have suppressed the feeling of being gay. However, this is a lie. It has been and always will be. I have always wanted to assist others. I never wanted them hurt and would do anything as long as I did not get hurt. I do not handle rejection well. Therefore, I put a mask. The mask that stated life is good, life, is fine. The truth is life is a bitch. I don't like to say this. I have tried not to say this. I am gay. I do not want to be gay. There is not a damn thing I can do to be straight. I am gay.

I lost my sister about 7 years ago, my dad about 3 years ago, my mother is in a demented state in an elder care facility, and most of my family has abandoned me since Dad's death. Now and only now can I focus on my suppressed sexuality. You too can come to your realization. I am still working on coming out. I wish you well.

 

I was always convinced that everything would be better to blend in the conventions, easier to make friends (I have some background that prevented me from doing so), and even to appear nice.
When I found out that it was not achievable for me to just fit in - and it took me so many years, I think, I started questionning myself about who I truly was - not what people wanted me to be. My own values, how I pictured my life, how I wanted to live it, regardless of my friend's judgement on other's people lifestyles (that could have been mine everytime), ... Well, it just became all clear. And I thought there was no point in fighting to be someone "I should be".

 

I'm kinda still in denial. I've grown up with very little troubles and I've always felt very guilty about it. I've always tried to find what was wrong with me. Last year I was convinced that I had some health issues. I believed it must be true and my body began to develop tremors and chest pains. I was actually put on meds because of the tremors. However this year I thought that maybe I was gay, and thats when all the feelings occurred. I'm sure I'm gay, however I've always been afraid that it was just my mind tricking me again.

 

The main use of denial I used was telling myself that girls had close relationships when they where young and that everyone felt this way but at this stage I was probably about 13/14 , it didn't necessary mean I wanted to sleep with them I just appreciated women and would grow into thinking about men , than when I started getting sexually feelings towards women so later on at say 17 I convinced my self I couldn't be a lesbian if id never even kissed a guy so I didn't know whether I liked it or not, I knew I liked women mayby I could be bi and then never come out, so I tried a relationship with a guy and then just felt fake and the sex felt empty like it wasn't really me , but I stayed in the relationship out of fear of being alone and confronting this issue till he broke it off with me and I had to accept that I am gay