When you were in denial, what made you think you weren't what you are?

Denial was a fun time /brick'd
... no, denial was horrible DX I had a handful of excuses I used.

- I'm asexual.
- I'm joining the priesthood.
- I am not checking him out like that, just jealous of his looks/body.
- I've always been interested in girls. Gay guys never wanna date girls... right?
- I've had girlfriends before, and gay guys only date other guys.
-They say they know they've been gay for a while, so it's not something I would have to question. So thus I'm straight.
- I just don't wanna have sex with girls because it doesn't interest me. But that doesn't mean I'm gay, so we're all set.
- I'm bisexual... but I still like girls more. *nods* Yeah.
- Dating girls is just awkward for me because I'm shy.
- It's just a phase. I'll be back to normal in no time.
- I need to make sure I bring home a nice girl so my family will approve of me. (like seriously, omfq I can't believe I ever said this XD)
- I just like hugging guys because their hugs are more embracing than a girls.
- I snuggle with girls, like a straight guy. SO I'm straight... duh (answer: no you idiot, you just like cuddling in general. -_-)
- I have no problems with gay people. I'm just not one of them.
- You've never had a full-on crush on a guy. And those were just moreso admirations like you admire their motives... right?

... and then reality hit me upside the head and went sassy black diva and said "QURL, YOU BE DA GAY. EMBRACE YOUR INNAH HOMO, MAN. NOW GO OUT THERE N' TWERK IT: BRING DA MEN TO YOUR YARD. Now where mah fried chicken at?" (that was my black friend's actual response... HE SAID IT, NOT ME. XD)

 

Here's another one. While looking at nude sculptures, "That David is a beautiful piece. What perfect proportions. If he was real I'd take him to bed...Oops. Bad thought, bad thought."

 

That's hilarious!

Generally my thinking was
- It's a phase.
- It's just me being too messed up about being single for so long
- It's only because I haven't had a guy like me in forever.

 

Oh. Gawd.
Denial is not that long ago for me

So what I told myself the most was probably that it's normal to have constantly girl crushes. And I didn't have these crushes only on celebrities, I was falling really bad for my best friend, but I kept telling myself that these feelings were just friend-feelings. Which they were obviously not.

Actually I was around 14 and a half when I first started questioning my sexuality, but everytime I had a bi-thought, the next thing I thought was something like "it can't be, why should you be bi".

Another thing I kept thinking was that probably I only kept persuading myself being a bisexual and that I actually wasn't.

God I am so stupid

But it was not a bad thing for me when I finally realized what I really feel, I didn't hate the gays, it was just such a weird feeling when I first realized that I am not like the other girls in my class.

 

Completely how I felt But that feeling actually is the best feeling ever. Because for me, it was acceptance. And that weird feeling turned into a fierce pride to be gay.

 

I'm 38 and totally in a mess about my identity. I feel suicidal. It makes me feel isolated and that I have given my life away my young life without knowing myself emotional
Y. Since I had a breakdown emotionally, people then started to make remarks concerning my sexuality and identity. How the hell I'm I supposed to confront that when I've always thought myself to be straight. I've dated men and fancied them , enjoyed sex. Bit the relationship has always been lacking emotionally connecting. When I look in the mirror now I see a more masculine person.

I've obviously been in deep denial and not known. How could I? If its been that way since childhood. I used to be confident and happy around guys. Now I can't bear being the same room as the, as feel afraid that they'll persecute me. I'm seeing a clinical psychologist but she's straight and let's face it wouldn't have a clue rally what I'm goi through.

Has anyone else felt the way or found themselves at this stage there mod thirties trying to resolve unresolved emotions?


It's a daily nightmare. I feel I can never function as once I always did.mif I had had mymemtional needs me in childhood then this wouldn't be happening.

 

The times that I started to question whether I was a gay or not was usually when I start to realize how hard my life is going to get. I would think "I haven't been with a guy or even be interested in a guy, so I can I know if I am really a lesbian?" I would force myself to look at guys and try to see what I liked about them and I would just think, "He has a nice face..." Then all of sudden I would see a gorgeous girl and I noticed everything about her. Her face, her body, the way she walked and talked, how she moved, etc. I never notice guys like that. Not only that, but I would get this feeling that I needed and wanted to be around that particular girl and get to know them.

That always erases my doubts and questioning about my sexuality.

 

I kept telling myself it was a phase that all people are attracted to boys and girls until puberty.

 

What made me think I wasn't:

When I was at the age my friends were all boy crazy, I just thought that someday I'd join in and be just as boy crazy. That never changed, I've never been boy crazy and literally feel I have little to no interest in guys.

Being told that I just haven't met the right guy and constantly telling myself yet at the same time that I could be either bi or lesbian.

Being told at least three times by my mother that it was a phase.

Believing my lady crushes weren't legit. And that I was clearly crushing on a female classmate without much thought, and was starting to fall for a close friend, now girlfriend.

Tried multiple times to force myself to like a guy past friendship. And at the same time learned that forcing that triggered my anxiety so I stopped.

 

Hey, not quite as old but I'm 26 and only just started to realise what I was about 6-9 months ago.

If you're going through the whole "But all those years I was totally straight/maybe just a bit curious" thing... Yeah. It comes up in my mind every time I see a girl and am like "why arent I attracted to that when a year ago I totally thought I was".

I think its a result of conditioning... I want to do this to get it out of my brain: :bang:

The thing that finally kinda won me over from the conscious denial was actually:
Realising that my apparent 'straight but silghtly curious but incredibly secure about my sexuality' was actually 'totally gay but somehow tricked self into thinking all people are that way'. During the earlier period of my life, I thought I was 100% massively attracted to girls sexually and romantically... but now that I see guys in the way I truely feel, the feelings I used to have for girls seem so forced and fake! I even used to get nervous around girls. Now the tables have turned, but one thing I have noticed:
I used to not like the way I looked, but I was never driven to do anything about it. Now that I'm trying to impress guys, not girls.. I'm massively driven. Losing weight, looking after the rest of my body, etc.

Of course it helps that I can look back and be like: OK self, you had one girlfriend for about 4 weeks in high school. that's it. I made my excuses "I dont need love, I'm independant, I'm too distracted" blablabla.. but at the end of the day. Yeah. Looking back it's obvious. Sometimes I still have flashes of doubt, but the majority of the time, I just feel more right/better now than I did before.

 

I first had questioning feelings when I was 9 or 10, but I knew that they would make me different (more different than I already was, as a short non-athletic brainy kid). Anyways I definitely had crushes on guys, but the way I'd go about crushing on a guy was more a conscious decision than a subconscious one, and often it was almost a relief to me that I found a guy attractive because I was like "phew... another straight day!"

Hmm... how did that not tip me off to my innate queerness? I guess if you are biphobic and bisexual, you can be like "see look i like dudes i'm not gay so i must be straight there's no other explanation!" Especially true when you enjoy sleeping with guys and sometimes get attached as a result.

If I'd been really honest with myself I would have acknowledged these feelings way earlier. I spent years thinking chick flicks were stupid because nobody feels like that, they were all playing up their feelings. I didn't believe in love.

Anyways what helped me stay in denial for even longer was the question "Are you sure you like girls? You always seemed straight to me" from friends and from my mom. After being asked that again and again by people I trust, I began to wonder if yea maybe they're right. Well, just because I graduated from college still thinking I was straight, doesn't mean I ever really was.

The short of it is that I do enjoy the physical relationship with a guy, and sometimes feel romantic feelings, so that was enough for me to convince myself that I never needed to confront my gay feelings and could stay in denial forever.

 

I too, was a champion of denial.

First thought (I think, as I subconsciously blocked a lot of them), "DON'T THINK OF HER LIKE THAT YOU ARE STRAIGHT YOU ARE JUST FANTASISING."
"I'm way to young to be sure of this, besides I've always liked guys."
"I'll meet the right guy someday."
"I'm forcing myself to be gay because I think that girl is really hot" - weird I know
"If I came out then one day I'd realise that I was wrong and I'd regret it." -a thought I still have sometimes
Lastly, "I'm not gay, I'm just straight with slightly bisexual tendencies."

 

Still grappling with this one for sure! But 99% of the time I know for sure, and the evidence doesn't lie.

 

I never really had a denial stage . I just sort of realized one day that I was gay and sort of broke it down, and by that point it seemed really obvious. And as soon as I started questioning, I went onto this forum and figured it out, then joined.

 

First I told myself that I was still young and that my attraction to men is probably just a phase that will go away eventually.

Then I noticed that, in spite of my attraction to men, I did have a slight attraction to women, so I held onto this fact and tried to strengthen this attraction. It didn't work.

Eventually I realized that, in spite of my attraction to men, I didn't want sex, so I thought that made me asexual, and I honestly did think that I was asexual at the time. But eventually I realized that there's a sort of deeper level to love and sex that, previously, I wasn't mature enough to realize yet. And, well, I kind of wanted it, so I began doubting that I was asexual. And at first I tried to convince myself that I was still asexual and not gay, but it didn't work.

 

i was in denial when i was 12. i am christian (haters gonna hate) and around valentine's day, the church had a lesson on sexuality. well you can imagine all the horrible gaybashing that happened during that 2 hour service. i was scared to death, so i started making a point of convincing myself and everyone else that i ADORED boys. after several horrible experiances w\ boys i gave up and started to try to say to myself that maybe im just asexual. later while my art evolved i developed a passion for drawing the female form, i stopped suppressing my sexuality and then i came out to myself and my parents. yay! happy ending!

 

I think I let other people define my sexuality. In high school and college and up to age 30, I always got a lot of male attention. Guys asked me out a lot. When I went to gay clubs and lesbian bars, I did not attract attention. Girls did not flock to me. I did have relationships with women when I was younger but we were never part of the GBLT scene. I just didn't have much luck on the scene. It was easier to date the people who were asking me out even if I wasn't really into them sexually. That sounds really lame but I think it's true & combined with societal & personal expectations, it was easier to be in denial.

Now that I'm coming out to myself, I want to take a more active role in who I date. Like making sure the feelings & attraction are mutual.

---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2013 at 11:35 PM ----------

Also, it's easy to convince yourself that you're not gay, your just attracted to that one person. And that one. And that one. Head in the sand!

 

I didn't have a clue, because I was never in the right environment to find out. I'm basically narcissistic and I am always attracted to people who are attracted to me. I've never actually chased after anyone, they chased after me. When I was younger, women chased after me and fed my ego. When I found myself being ogled by a lot of men, many years later, it excited me quite unexpectedly and I just naturally fell into a gay circle of friends. The problem is, I never went back to my previous preference. A bit bizarre, but there it is. The truth, no matter how odd it may sound.

 

I was in denial because I thought for a longest of time that if my father/extended family ever found out they wouldn't want to be associated with me anymore or would hate me. I thought that if I could push back the feelings that I was having I could still be the possibly perfect person, daughter, niece, and grandchild that they all wanted. I was already getting a lot of flack because I knew I was an atheist, and the church and my family's religion wasn't really helping. In the end I also tried to deny my sexuality because I thought it would only bring me into a worse situation with my family, my family's religion, and with the church (even if the specific church my family attends is rather accepting to the LGBT community).

Secondly, I was afraid of all of my friends leaving me and/or being disgusted by me. Or that my crush would hate me. The area that I'm in has a county that is extremely conservative, and therefore many of my friends had very set ideas about gay people and other views. My friends are important to me- especially because I have such a hard time making any- and I didn't want them to see me any way differently. My crush happened to be a rather chill person and I connected to her personally because we shared a lot of the same interests, views, and opinions. Thankfully, she has accepted me now, but I didn't know that she would back then. I thought that she would be disgusted or hate me because I had a crush on her. I had tried to push my feelings away and deny my sexuality because I didn't want her to know or become uncomfortable around me.

Lastly, I still had a massive amount of male friends and knew when they were both physically and intellectually attractive. Sometimes there was a small hint of attraction, but I knew that I could never really be happy having a boyfriend. At some points I could picture myself in a relationship with a boy, but only after I realized how much I would hate having sex with one did I begin to see that I was in fact a lesbian. Those thoughts of "who could I see myself in a relationship with?", "who do I find really attractive?", and "who could I possibly have a more than romantic relationship with?" led me to my realization of my sexuality, along with the feelings that I had for my crush.

After that I knew I couldn't deny it any longer and I started to try and find the good things about being gay, finally getting onto the road of self acceptance.

 

I was in denial because I wanted to have a family so bad and be like the typical American. When middle school came, hormones came too and confused the hell out of me to where I was getting attracted to guys. I thought it was just a phase til high school. High school came and these thoughts of being attracted to guys would just not go away so I thought to myself "hmmm...pretty long 'phase', maybe these thoughts will go away in college" College came and the thoughts of being attracted to guys stuck with me and sexual attraction came along. I thought this was ridiculous that I was still stuck in the phase. One night, I decided to test the waters. After that night, I kicked myself and kicked myself endlessly and telling myself "I'm straight...that was one night, I like women". I got so angry that I was able to convince myself that it was his fault for MY actions...instead of it being MY fault not his, I was willing. All throughout the semester, I thought about it and thought about it. I ended up talking to my friend about it and while I was talking to him, I cross-examined my whole life with women and men. I examined my behavior around them, my attraction toward them, my thoughts toward them. All that came out was I don't really feel any attraction toward women, I don't think I could take being in a relationship with one let alone feel any sexual attraction toward them. I then examined my thoughts toward men and yep, attracted to them, could see myself in a relationship with one, sexual attraction toward them, every sign you can think of, I've probably felt.

So: When I was in denial, what made me think I'm not what I am would probably be I thought it was just a phase I was going through and the dream of have a wife and kids.