What does dysphoria feel like for you?

My voice, my chest, curves (hips, waist, thighs etc), and sometimes genitals. Also when people don't use the right pronouns, especially when they know about it. Just being referred to as female in general. Its a stabbing feeling of self-hatred mixed with shame and disappointment.

 

Physically it's mostly my hips and chest that simply feels wrong And I miss a beard, and male genitals and muscels, sooo much!. And socially, when someone gender me as female (wich happens all the time since I'm not actually trying to make them gender me as a guy) I just want to correct them, and realizes they can't know I'm a guy.

 

Rarely do I feel physical dysphoria but when I look at my hair (I don't have much left due to male pattern baldness starting... thanks XY) it's like jeez... I'll never be able to have natural long hair.

Also I've seen pictures of people not in transition who look so much more feminine than even bio females sometime (a cross player for instance I saw). I had a physical reaction, as if someone punched me in the gut, probably due to jealousy and such. That feeling was awful, especially since the model didn't identify as trans or wasn't even female. But with my latest makeup techniques I look at myself and am like... wow... i kind of look like that. I was at a club and people danced with me. Only when the music quieted down and I was able to speak loudly enough to be heard did I hear "oh wow youre not actually female?". That not being pretty enough feeling is going away too. I like what I see in the mirror.

But from a societal perspective I can't dress and present myself how I want. I still can't really be emotionally eloquent without being perceived as a weak male. It feels like I put on a uniform dressing in male professional clothing. It just feels wrong not having my outsides match my insides and desire for visual style.

That part still exists each day.

 

Trust me you don't want male pattern baldness. Not attractive. Have the ability to have hair and shave if necessary.

But yea if you could be biologically male and male pattern baldness is part of the admissions price then it's a fair price to pay. But I've never met a biological male that says it's a plus.

 

Interesting topic, thank you for this.

I am dysphoric when it comes to my chest, of course. I´ve always hated my breasts without even knowing the reason why (I was almost hysterical about it when I was a teenager, hiding it under endless layers of clothing, with my back hunched down etc.). I´ve never felt the connection between myself and my genitalia, too. Dunno if I should call it dysphoria or not, I just feel nothing "down there" (nothing with a little hint of disgust). I take it as something that is way beyond me. It looks weird and I have to take care of it, but I don´t use it. God, I don´t even know how to use it!

But I must admit I am quite happy with the rest of my body. I am not tall and I´ve lost a lot of weight recently, in order to get rid of my feminine hips and belly (mission completed, yay!). I don´t want to be a big hairy man. I believe I was meant to be slim, feminine gay. If I were born with the proper male body, I´d shave my legs anyway.

What troubles me more is the social role of gender. I feel awkward when I am called "her" or "she", for I don´t know how to act properly as "she". What does the world expect from me? I don´t know. I am in my 30s and I don´t know how to "be a girl".

---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2014 at 06:48 PM ----------

Yeah, exactly. Before I knew what I am, I´ve always felt like a bait, like something that is being observed, judged and even criticized with my female body. Now things changed. I can play this little game too. I observe, judge, and I STARE at man´s asses as long as I wish(&&&) :lol: Trust me, they know! And they are all confused :lol:

 

Funny, in big cities like NYC I felt the feminine vulnerability that I would not normally have when presenting male.

 

You've always looked AMAZING Kasey! You're an inspiration to me even now (*hug*)

 

I do what I can do with what I have to work with. I am not on hormones... so I'm sort of blessed with some natural femininity as well as my skill with makeup has vastly improved.

Either way I used to be jealous of some members, but I feel that the student has become the master and I hope someday I can get on hormones.

Regardless though, look at my old pictures... i looked horrendous in some of them. Which I may add I left up for posterity sake and to show people my transition steps.

 

Once you start doing it often it gets a easier it almost starts to feel normal in a weird way. Hopefully one day we won't have to correct anyone because there won't be any misgendering!

 

The only times I've had someone ask me is at lgbt group things but anywhere else people just use pronouns based on how they perceive you.

People say sticks and stones may break bones but words can't hurt you. I think that's not true and words can hurt just as much.