What does dysphoria feel like for you?

Well, I am only 16 years old.

 

I'm mostly dealing with the second bit (internalized transphobia)

 

1. My height. Being 5'3 SUCKS
2. Any aspect of my personality that could be perceived as feminine
3. My facial features just don't look right
4. My lower parts
5. Just being socially categorized as a "young lady"
6. Having low muscle mass

I could go on but those are the biggies. Oh, and if someone finds a way to magically become the height you want, hook me up, okay?

 

I've posted this elsewhere but I'll post it here, too.

I primarily suffer from emotional and social dysphoria -- have since I was around twelve-years-old. I hate the sound of my voice; being called by my birth gender makes me cringe; I don't like to be addressed using feminine pronouns and will go out of my way to avoid them; I can't identify with my birth gender and have no clue how the female mind works. There is also a male name that calls to my heart so sweetly that it makes my chest ache, but I am still trying to determine where I fall under the trans* umbrella.

 

I kinda feel like my mind and my body are separate, like, my mind is there, my body is there but they're not connected and I'm watching the world through someone else's eyes, and when I look in the mirror I recognise the body, but I don't recognise it as mine on bad days. Then on good days I look in the mirror and I get happy because I feel like I pass and I see myself and think "Yes, this is me, this is a good look, I like how I look"

 

Actually now that I think about it. I've always looked in a mirror, or at a photo of myself, and gone, "who the hell is that?!?" I know it's me, but I'm shocked by the fact.

 

That's what happens to me sometimes. Other times, I feel perfectly normal.

 

Considering, I'm much MUCH shorter than the average cis woman, at a height of 5'0, I FEEL YOU.

 

Since you asked so politely, lymanclark, I'll share.

Felix; Felix is the name that calls to my heart and has for a few years now.

 

it feels like a lot of shame. it's like, when i look down and see my chest, or how tiny my hands are, or how my voice sounds, or even the way that i stand naturally -- it makes me ashamed to be me. i pass a fair amount of the time (like 60-75%), and it's like whenever my feminine features are called to my attention, i feel so crappy about having them.

 

I'm constantly dysphoric about my hips. My height sometimes gets me, but I'm 5'6 so I'm tall enough for height dysphoria not to be constant. I also often get chest dysphoria but my chest isn't that big and since I'm slightly overweight I can usually convince myself they're only there because of my body fat. Bottom dysphoria is the worst, though. I almost never feel it but when I do it hits me like a truck. I used to feel voice dysphoria as well, but I've been training myself to speak at a lower tone so it's not as bad nowadays.

 

Earlier, I forgot to mention the irritating stubble across my face. There are days I'll end up shaving two or three times because I can't stand my face feeling like sandpaper.

 

My voice, I feel, is kind of mid-range, sort of how I feel an adolescent boy would sound like. I guess, that combined with my short stature and small frame would help me to pass off as a 14-year-old boy AT BEST. :bang:

 

Hell. To me it feels like dread pulling my stomach down and tying it into a knot. I start thinking about how masculine I wish I was and then I get upset that I am not the man I wish I was. It's just an anxious dread ridden gut wrenching feeling from the bowels of hell.

 

Dysphoria is a bitch. I spend most of my time not really aware that I'm perceived as female but it sucks sometimes when I see myself and can't seem to connect to that part of me. I really miss identifying as female because I think she's a big part of my life and I really do miss her.

This new, "male" version of me is really devoid of showing emotions. I think I may have divided myself. I gotta find a common ground.