What does dysphoria feel like for you?

As my hair has been growing, I've noticed that a lot of dysphoria comes from the length of my hair. I finally convinced my mom to let me get it cut really short again and promised that I would pay to get it cut every two weeks. Which haircut do you think would do the best job at helping me "pass" but still keep my full gender identity hidden from my mom? I had to find pictures of women's haircuts so that my mom wouldn't be too suspicious. The first picture attached is a picture of me as I look now.

 

I think last time I felt really dysphoric and tried to write down how it felt, what I came up with is the time I broke my arm. Not the pain, just the way my brain reacted to being in a situation where it absolutely did not want anything to do with what was happening right then and there. Because it really does react about that way whenever I'm reminded of the fact that I went through male puberty. It just does, before I can really think or make sense of what's going on.

What I mean is, when I broke my arm, I immediately felt really thirsty. More so once the pain kicked in. It was like my instincts kicked in and just latched onto the first problem that wasn't a broken arm I could do nothing about and latched onto that. And later, when I was in the car, every time we went over a bump and got that nagging panicky "do something about it" feeling behind the pain, even though I knew I couldn't do anything to make the situation better and I just had to wait. I think that's the best way I can describe how dysphoria feels to me.

 

Personally I think the second from the right would be best.

 

I think for me it comes from not knowing whether to call myself genderfluid or agender, because a lot of the dysphoria I experience involves not feeling like anything I do will ever align me with my gender identity. I don't think I could take testosterone; I have PCOS, and I'm kind of bothered by all the extra body hair despite feeling slightly more masculine than feminine. Even though I present androgynous or a bit femme most of the time, I don't really feel like the words "man" or "woman" describe me at all and I never really feel completely one way or the other. I don't know how to explain it further than that. I don't want to be a woman and I don't want to be a man, but sometimes I call myself "boy" and I wouldn't necessarily mind being a boy with female body parts. It's all very confusing to me.

I guess physically, I'm most bothered by having a uterus and ovaries and the fact that I have wide hips. I never want children and I feel constant pressure from society to be a mother because of the body I was born with. I also get a lot of dysphoria about my hair because I never know whether to wear it short or long. I feel like people will read me a certain way either way, and I kind of just don't want to be labeled right now.

 

I'm going to add to this and say that, currently, I can't even speak without nearly crying, so that doesn't help.
Also despair at the fact that I'll never be able to pass as female.

 

dysphoria feels like looking in the mirror and feeling depressed at the maleness of the image being reflected back to me. It feels like God pressed the wrong button when sending me to earth. It feels like being able to close my eyes and almost feel the correct body hiding just beneath the surface.

 

Yeah, I'd say something like the third one. For passing (unless you've got a really masculine face) it's usually best to not go too short and to also keep your hairline covered.

 

I really hate being a girl but it's less the mind-body disconnect but rather the mind-society. I want to do'boy' stuff, but life won't let me, my mi d is happy with a girl's body, but it doesn't like the stuff assosiated with a girl's body, I get surrounded by stuff I don't like, but feel fine with my body. It's annoying.

 

Thanks I think I have it narrowed down to these 3 (attached)

 

Well, there are some times when I want to be feminine (I'm leaning more towards being gender-fluid, so I'm okay with something that's a bit feminine. I have a hard time picturing you based on your description of yourself, so I don't know. Do you have a picture I could go off of?

 

What am interesting thread!

When I was younger I had no idea what was going on inside me, and it caused lots of those frustrations and depressions that run rampant among us. I had no idea how to deal with it...I wasn't even sure what it was!

For years I chased my dysphoria away with any drug you can name and a few you probably can't. I saw how it was destroying my life and started to fix myself. Heavy doses of pot and liquor still kept the dissonace at bay. Now I've landed an amazing job but they do pee tests so I had to clean right up, and I'm in the boonies for 10 days at a time so nothing to fog the mind at all. Within the first couple weeks the dysphoria came back HARD!

A frequent symptom for me is a phantom limb sensation of having female genitalia and breasts. It's beyond strange. I also feel it in my lips for some reason, like they are trying to be more puffy and full. That part I don't even understand since I'm quite happy with the lips I have now. Sometimes I feel my Adam's apple trying to suck itself in. That's pretty much it for the physical manifestation.

I get a lot of psychological effects though...mostly positive these days. Since I realized I'm not eternally bound to a mismatched anatomy, I care for myself a lot more. I don't have so many rash and risky behaviors. I remind myself how to hold my posture and how to walk. Perhaps now that I've opened the doors of transitioning, I'm preparing for it by aligning all the small stuff.

It will be nice to have the right body one day. But until I do, I love who I am inside, and my identity doesn't change the beauty of the sunrise, it doesn't stop art from making me cry, and it doesn't stop me from loving the world with all my heart.

I've come to love the fact that I am transgendered and wouldn't want it any other way. The journey thus far has not been easy, but since when has life ever supposed to have been easy? I lile to think that I was strong enough to bear these extra challenges so I was given a tougher path. And the rewards have already been incredible, with regards to the different things I've learned about poeple and life in general. I still have a long ways to go, but I am so excited for all surprises, good and bad, the future may hold.

My heart bleeds for you who are struggling with deep depression and shame and hatred and all of that negativity. I wish that I was able to help you somehow. I offer you my love and my warmest of thoughts and I'm sending them out to you wherever you are. I pray they reach you quickly.

---------- Post added 27th Oct 2014 at 09:52 PM ----------

PS: All that was written in short spurts during brief slow bits at work. Also written on my phone, amd this site is very mobile-unfriendly. So I apologize if that sprawl didn't make sense in the end.

 

A really weird thing for me is that I LOOOVEE facial hair! I wish I could be a woman with massive mutton chops and a handlebar moustache and not be considered a total freak. But my work has a no facial hair policy for safety reasons, so I had to deal with that loss on separate terms anyways. It was hard, but it does seems to make my naked face a little easier to deal with.

 

Can't agree more. Every. Single. Morning.:bang:
exept I'm atheist so ya

 

For me, its like im lost. Like im completely, totally, and scarily lost. Thats what it feelslike emotionally. As for my physical charcteristics, i wish my face was more narrow, my chest lasst flat, and my voice being high

 

This is why I wrap myself with a towel that covers both my chest and lower area before I can see myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower in the morning, or after a relaxing bath in the evening.