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The classic “I’m gay. Now what?” I have a few ideas, but I suspect some are terrible...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lyman, Jul 19, 2020.

  1. Lyman

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    TL; DR: What should I do first to normalise being gay?

    I’ve come out to myself as gay, with some ups and downs, as discussed elsewhere.

    So... What do I do now? Of course, if I have come out to myself, the idea of me being gay doesn’t seem so “wrong” as it used to. But, even in my best moments, I still find it a bit “weird.” How can I work to make it be more natural part of my life?

    How can I take steps to someday be at ease? It doesn’t have to happen tomorrow nor before 2022, but I don’t want to keep wasting the best years of my life. I’ve never been in love, never been in a relationship, never had any kind of physical intimacy, never talked sincerely about these matters to a friend... My life is great in many respects, but I also want to experience those things.

    According to your experience, among the options I have, what sounds like the best movement for me at the moment? When I “grow up,” I want to be an emotionally mature person with a positive attitude towards his sexuality. But that’s easier said than done.

    Thanks in advance to whoever reads and replies to (parts of) this post.


    Coming out to people I already know

    Does any of the following options sound like a sensible idea? (All names are fictional.)

    1. Meeting Zachary

    As I said here, in mid-May, Zachary (a gay guy of my age, president and maybe only member of a tiny local LGBT+ org with no real activity) and I started texting for reasons unrelated to sexuality. As I love privacy, I was using a throwaway account for that. That turned out to be a good idea because, at a certain point, I could start to open up to him, with zero fear of him knowing my real identity. He supported me for some time and apparently he cared about me (despite being a complete stranger two months ago), although he’s recently been acting distant and I'm confused.

    Things “escalated” a bit with Zachary and he convinced me to start talking on the phone (but I’m using a burner phone, to keep anonymous, how paranoid is that?). So he knows how my voice sounds like, but still doesn’t know who I am. Now I’m considering meeting him in person. He insists that it’s good for my process, but I’m hesitant. I’m scared of him knowing who I am, of the idea of a total stranger knowing my biggest secret, of discussing my sexuality face-to-face with a person, of the potential psychological effects of being out to strangers before people I love, of this complete stranger not being a trustworthy person, and so forth.

    On top of that, the more I know Zachary, the less I like his advice. At first, when we exchanged long texts, he seemed quite smart and a good person to lean on. Now, when I phone him, he’s like a complete different person: he’s far less mature than what I expected (and far less mature than me) and he appears to have some psychological issues (I’m still unsure of their magnitude, though). I don’t know if him being the only person I’m out to is going to be good for me in the long term...

    Are any of these fears rational? What would you do in my shoes? He wants to meet up soon and I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t “owe” anything to him, so I think it's justified to be a bit selfish with respect to this.

    2. Opening up to Aunt Emily

    Emily is a 55-year-old relative of mine. Genetically she’s not my aunt (she’s my... 2nd/3rd cousin, I think), but we’re as close as aunt and nephew, although we only see each other once a year. She raised her only child, Edward, as a single mum. He’s now 30. When he was 18, he left home to attend college, and he chose to study quite far away from where we’re from. That came as a huge surprise because Emily and Edward are as close as any mum and son have ever been.

    Some 5 years ago, my parents discovered that Edward was living as an openly gay man in the large city where he studied (that city is where half of the LGBT+ people of my area migrate to, so in hindsight Edward’s decision to move there makes perfect sense). No matter how many years I live, I’ll never forget all the terrible things my parents have said about his “lifestyle” and all the “Poor, poor Aunt Emily” comments over the years. I feel like crying, just by remembering them.

    Now Edward has moved back to our hometown because he has found a very good job here. Although I haven’t seen him in 12 years, I’ve repeatedly considered contacting him. But, well, we never were very close and neither of us is the same person we were at age 18 or 13, respectively. So approaching him doesn’t give me entirely good vibes. Maybe he’s an idiot now. Who knows?

    According to what my parents say, Emily still loves Edward as much as she has always done. And she and her sister Marcia are, by far, the most open-minded, cultured and cosmopolitan people in my family.

    The main issue of approaching Aunt Emily is that she is way closer to my parents than to me. So I don’t know if it’s fair asking her to keep a secret from them. Would I be selfish if I asked her to do so? Do I have to be prepared for the possibility her outing me? My dilemma is that, among all the people in this world, she seems my best chance of finding good support (and she can also get me to talk to her son), but the last thing I want is that my parents find out now.


    3. Coming out to some friends that live far away

    I have some very good friends I could be ready to come out to... The thing is that they live thousands of miles away (I’m very lonely where I live) and I won’t see most of them in a long time, so even in a best-case scenario, there isn’t much they can do to support me. Anyway, these are my candidates:

    3.1. Oona, who is my favourite option. She’s very understanding and, among the people I know, the best at keeping secrets. We’ve been good friends since 2017 and I value her advice very much because she’s very mature and sensible. I’m almost sure that she has LGB friends. We’re having a videocall on Wednesday, and I’ve already hinted her that I might tell her a big secret (but I have a backup secret to tell her, in case I chicken out). Oh, and she knows a couple things about me that are compatible with me being gay/bi, so I don’t think she’d have to do lots of mourning for my “straight self.”

    3.2. Jan, who is the closest thing to a male best friend I have. He’s from the kind of progressive-minded country where “Hey, Lyman is gay” is not even an interesting gossip. The thing is that we have videocalled very recently and I don’t feel like calling him now for this. But maybe when we talk next time, that could be part of our conversation. Coming out to him is a bit risky because we’re probably travelling together this holiday (only the two of us) and I don’t want to spend all that time with a general feeling of awkwardness. Plus, sometimes he’s not great at dealing with or understanding human emotions, so I don’t expect him to be super supportive, even if he’s okay with my revelation. So maybe I could come out to him at the end of the holiday. I don’t know...

    3.3. Gertrude. She’s an American girl that I met many years ago. We went through a lot together (although we both were very sure that we had no romantic interest in one another) and we’ve been texting quite often all these years, as we have some strange kind of a very intimate bond (that her boyfriend and family have never understood). We’re catching up these days, so it would be a good moment to slip it into the conversation, like “Yes, my dog isn’t constipated anymore and, oh, I’m gay.” But she has a big, huge, humongous, non-negligible “special” trait... She has a far-right ideology: she loves Trump, she strongly supports the NRA and the right of crazy Americans to kill sane Americans, she says it’s not necessary that people on the government care about women’s rights, and so on. I literally have no idea of what she thinks about LGBT+ people; but, given how fundamentalist she is with respect to some political and social issues (I always avoid those topics with her), I consider an awful reaction as a possibility. On the other hand, she’s totally okay with me being pro-Sanders, so I don’t know what to expect.

    To assess the last option, it would be great to listen to what someone from the US thinks. As an outsider, I don’t know if I’m jumping to the wrong conclusions. Do fans of Trump + NRA + misogyny tend to be homophobic? Or do homophobes tend to be right-winged political extremists?


    Homosocialisation

    In order not to feel like a complete oddball, it would make sense having LGBT+ friends... Right? And it would be great having friends of any kind where I live, honestly. I haven't had social live without a screen involved in an insanely long time, and that's taking a toll.

    The thing is how to do that... I know the old mantra “There are gays everywhere,” but I don’t live in a large city where I can find a gay softball team or whatever. If I log into Meetup, the closest gay-related thing is ridiculously far away. And mustering the courage to enter the few gay(ish) bars in my area is off the table because of corona.

    Is it a bad idea to create a profile on a hookup app? I have zero interest in sleeping with strangers right now, but maybe if I say “NOT LOOKING 4 SEX” on the profile... Honestly, I don’t have the faintest idea about how those apps work, so I’ll appreciate any advice on this (if it’s possible to discuss that without saying things that are inappropriate for 14-year-olds).

    Oh, and apart from Zachary’s tiny LGBT+ association, I’ve discovered that there’s a slightly bigger one. But he has warned me that those people are “complicated.” I don’t know what to make out of that. I do know that their association is linked to a certain political ideology —towards which I’m indifferent—, but maybe there’s something more there. Or maybe they're just rivals. I guess it would make sense to at least see how they are, since they seem quite good for meeting other gays. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

    What else can I try?


    Experimenting

    Obviously, I’m not ready to be completely out, but I might dare to come out to a limited amount of people, if it serves a purpose. I believe it would be better to start homosocialising and, if something happens, give it a try; rather than forcing anything, right? At least, as far as sex is concerned. Regarding relationships, I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I started looking for one on an app, but it’s quite premature, isn’t it? I don’t need a relationship (I’m not desperate), but if I happened to find a guy I liked... Maybe I’d achieve the inner peace I’m looking for.


    Therapy

    I don’t think I have any huge psychological problem that makes therapy a must for me. That said, maybe it can be helpful? I fear it can be counter-productive, either because I find a bad professional or because pathologising my self-discovery journey is undesirable. On top of that, I’m sure my parents would discover that I was making money disappear, sooner than later, and I can’t think of a reasonable excuse.


    “Nofap”

    I’ve always masturbated and watched porn way less often than other boys of my age. I haven’t watched porn since February (my imagination is prodigious) and I’ve been so careful when using it in the past that I’ve never “escalated” — I’m still turned on by the exact same things than when I started and I’m by no means desensitised. In addition, I did a nofap streak for almost all June, and I believe it helped me to come out to myself.

    It’s said that abstaining aids to figure out, but it’s really difficult to do a “hard-mode” nofap when you have other worries. So I don’t know if doing so again is worth the effort. I’m already horny enough when I see guys in the street.


    Reading

    I might have time in August to read anything that’s helpful. I can go to the local library (that surprisingly has an LGBT+ section) and spend the mornings there, which in turn might lead to homosocialisation (or more likely to being outed). These are some books they have:
    • Joe Kort’s 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve their Lives.
    • Lots of comics by Ralf König.
    • A Family and Friend's Guide to Sexual Orientation, by Bob Powers and Alan Ellis.
    • This Book is Gay, by James Dawson and Spike Gerrell.
    Do you recommend any of the above?


    Waiting and just doing nothing until... what?

    Am I wanting to take steps too soon? On the one hand, I guess it wouldn't kill me to wait for this to be less “new” and scary to me. On the other hand, I’m having a build-up of desires to “do something,” and I don’t know if postponing it is going to be good for me.


    Anything else?

    Any other ideas are welcome. Or you can just tell me how the journey started in your particular case!


    P. S.: Apologies if I'm barraging you with threads, but as of now I don't have anyone else to ask.
     
    #1 Lyman, Jul 19, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2020
  2. Lyman

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    By the way, my current plan is:
    • Texting Aunt Emily (it feels like the right move 51 % of the time, and it's scary 49 % of the time).
    • Coming out to Oona on Wednesday (same 51-49).
    • Going back to “nofap” for some time.
    • Installing a hookup app and look for homosocialisation. I still don't know whether to use a gay app without displaying too much public information, or a non-gay one with identifiable personal information.
    • Contacting de LGBT+ org that Zachary dislikes saying I'm looking for friends.
    And not doing anything else.

    Does it sound reasonable to you? (Thanks in advance.)
     
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  3. Sparky2002

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    Okay. I'm from the US and I would probably say Gertrude would be not ok with LGBTQ+. I don't know for sure but probably like a 80% chance she would not react well. From experience, you should come out to the people that you think it will go the best with first. I would say you should first tell Aunt Emily. If she was ok with Edward, then she would be supportive of you too and it will feel really good to come out. As for therapy, if you're depressed then maybe that's an option. But if you're trying to do that to be straight or forget about it, it will just make you more stressed. Also Oona and Jan sound like they would be ok with it too and trust me the more people you tell, the better it feels. (Not to say it won't be nerve-racking) As for Zachary, that sounds very complicated. Maybe the next step would to be Zoom or FaceTime because then you can see their face and maybe it will help you make a decision. Hope that helped.
     
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  4. Pavel

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    Hi, I have a similar situation. I live with my ill mother, I'm looking after her and I don't think it is a good idea to talk that I am gay. And my friends don't know either. It's like I want to come out, but I know it will not be accepted by my colleagues, neighbors, and most of my friends. Moreover, I live in a small town where people know each other and many of them are homophobes.
     
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  5. Lyman

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    Hi, Pavel. I'm dropping by your first thread to say hi and formally welcome you to the forum. :wink:

    First and foremost, thanks heaps for having taken the time to go through my essay-sized post, Sparky. You're great! <3

    Thanks for your insight... I suspected that that was the most likely scenario, but I wasn't sure it wasn't my paranoia playing games with me. The perspective of having to choose between losing certain people and being true to myself sucks, to be honest.

    So the chances of her outing me to my parents are slim? Do you think so?

    My other source of concern is that all my knowledge about Edward being gay and Emily being accepting comes exclusively from what my parents have told me. I've investigated everything I've found online about Edward and I'm 99 % sure that there's evidence there that confirm he's gay. As for his mother's reaction, I basically have to trust my gut and my parents.

    I've been trying to devise a strategy to make her reveal some of this, like “How is Edward going? Has he already found the woman of his life?” But I don't love it.

    But it's rather scary (well, only part of the time)... Doesn't that mean that I'm not ready yet? I was completely denying that I'm gay a month ago.

    I'm not depressed — I'm just unhappy because I'm super lonely, the two people I spend almost all my time with are behaving like loonies, and I'm living a lie with regard to my sexuality.
    I'm okay with being gay. I was thinking more of affirmative stuff, rather than “conversion.”

    I'm pretty convinced about Oona.
    Regarding Jan, I fear that he might reply with a monosyllable and do nothing else... And that's not what I need for my first time(s).

    It is complicated, I agree. I think I'll avoid contacting him for a while. I do know that he's who he says he is (plus lots of info about his life) because he's terrible at protecting his online privacy. Yet I don't trust him that much. There's something about him that gives me bad vibes at the moment.
     
  6. Lyman

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    So the clock is ticking for my videocall with Oona on Wednesday and I still don't know if I should wait for it to be less scary, or if I should simply come out to her and stop overthinking. Contacting Aunt Emily might take a while and Oona won't be available for the next four weeks.

    Yesterday, for the first time since I came out to myself, I talked to a friend on the phone who assumed I'm straight for no reason (well, apart from heteronormativity). And it felt extremely bad not to yell at her: “Do you want to know when I'm going to meet the woman I'll marry? NEVEEEER!” I almost felt sick for being silent — it's another way of lying.

    Is not wanting to do that again (or not so often) an indicator that I should start coming out?
     
  7. Chip

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    This all sounds like a very sensible and reasonable plan. As far as nofap... to be clear, if you're talking about giving up masturbation, I don't think that's a particularly helpful idea. But if you're talking about giving up porn and using fantasy instead, I do believe there are real advantages to fantasy over porn, for a whole bunch of reasons. I think the nofap folks are a little strange, and their advice isn't necessarily rooted in much in the way of sound science, but for sure, giving up porn isn't a bad idea at all.

    The only issue with Aunt Emily is whether she's comfortable holding the secret. My guess is, she will be. But that's a risk you have to calculate.

    And as far as the hookup app... the only thing I'll say there is that in most cases, folks on hookup apps, regardless of what it says in their profile, are generally all about sex, so if you're genuinely expectcing friendship or relationship, you may set yourself up for disappointment. And some of the folks on those apps can be downright assholeish... they'll be wonderful and charming and make all sorts of promises, show interest... get you in the sack... and then ghost you. I don't mean this *always* happens, but many folks have talked about it here on EC. (It also may be slightly different in a less densely populated area than in a major city, but... then again... it may not.)

    Hope that helps! Keep us in the loop!
     
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  8. Mihael

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    Zachary doesn’t sound like someone who will be good support. Of course it would depend on what kind of issues he has, but I figure from your post that you think they can be an obstacle. Also, it seems like he might not be there when you need him, because he is a leader of a group and an activist, not your friend.

    However, attending the groups and socialising can be good. I would disregard what Zachary said about this other group, maybe they just compete, see for yourself if they really are mean or not. Apps... I don’t like them, personally. But some people use them for meeting other gay people as friends and succeed.

    Aunt Emily seems like a good bet, because she is accepting of her gay son. Maybe you can ask her specifically to keep your orientation a secret from your parents?

    Oona and Jan seem like good people to come out to, but I would wait with the friend who is a republican for later when you are strong enough to deal with even if not rejection - some unpleasant remarks like comparing gays to pedophiles or some other “hits”.

    Anyways, good luck with the video call.

    Yes, it is an indicator.
     
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  9. Unsure77

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    On the therapy front, it may depend on what you’ve got going on. I’m not depressed, but I still started seeing a therapist after I came out to myself to help me process the change in identity, work through the things that made me hide from my lesbianism in the first place, and navigate relationship things. They’re basically trying to help me be more comfortable with myself and move forward. It’s just a question of if you need that kind of support.
     
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  10. Lyman

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    Oh, wow. You've also read this thread? Thank you so much! I hope you don't have an overdose of my prose. (Ironically, the last sentence sounds like verse.)

    The feedback is much appreciated. However, I'm amazed that it's a good plan, since I feel that I have no idea of what I'm doing, to be completely honest.

    Oh, I've done a bit of research after reading your reply and it turns out that the word “nofap” refers to some kind of creepy neo-religion —revolving around some Reddit wackos— that claims that abstaining from ejaculation allows you to see light in the darkest cave, listen to the wingbeat of a butterfly and move objects with your mind. I'm deliberately exaggerating, but my point is that I thought it meant something else and that I'm obviously not into entering that cult.

    As I said, I've always been extremely careful with porn (and I haven't used it since February, I think), so I don't think I'll change that in the short term. Once in a bluemoon I think about something very specific I'd like to watch porn about and I indulge, and I'll probably do so next time it happens because being so frugal isn't bad, is it?

    Okay, I won't reduce how often I masturbate with my imagination. I didn't know if the general advice for figuring out included that or not.

    Well, my medium-term plans are being out to a few people because otherwise I can't live my life, even though that will likely mean that my parents will start hearing rumours in our not-so-big town. But as long as they don't have indisputable evidence, I'm fine denying it. If that happens now with Emily... Well, I think I'll manage to navigate that (unlikely) scenario. But I'll probably need urgent friendly support at that moment and that's why I want to come out to Oona at the same time—so that I can be pretty sure that I'll have at least one ally.

    I'm genuinely looking for friendship. I'm totally fine being a virgin at the moment and, even if I wasn't, I don't think rushing to get into the pants of a random stranger would make me a happier gay man right now.

    If it's not friendship, having friends to hang around with would also be wonderful. I need human contact! And, what is more, having (openly) LGBT+ people around would be really helpful.

    Are there better ways of meeting LGBT+ people online? Or offline... I don't care.

    You mean they ghost you after having sex, right? If that's the case, if they see that they aren't luring me into that, they'll go away without playing so many games, I guess.

    Anyway, if I do that, my plan is to avoid showing that I'm very tall and fit because I don't want anyone interested in my body.

    Honestly, if I was straight, I wouldn't even be considering this because the premise of needing the Internet for meeting people is quite absurd.

    It does! I will!
    But be prepared for a significant increase in the costs of the EC servers, with all the exabytes of text I'm generating with my posts.
     
  11. Lyman

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    Hi, thank you too for reading and replying!

    My gut agrees.

    He's told me that he had to entirely quit his studies for a year because he had “a depression” caused by the only boyfriend he's had. He's had many other strange twists and turns in his (academic) life for undisclosed reasons. At least on the phone, he's moderately childish and dumb. Depending on the day, he says he's an out-and-proud gay since his teens, or he says that he doesn't know what he feels for women (“like every other MSM”, what?). According to him, his association used to have more people apart from him, all of whom ended up leaving because they had “different views.” A few days ago, he phoned me because he wanted us to meet up for the first time within an hour—it didn't happen because I was busy, among other reasons.

    To his defense, his first texts were mostly good pieces of advice. So maybe he prepared them very thoroughly or he's just a disaster at having conversations.

    One person isn't technically a group and I know he isn't doing any activism at the moment, but you're comlpetely right—HE'S NOT MY FRIEND. No matter how lonely I am, I shouldn't forget that.

    I'll probably follow your advice. You've convinced me.

    I don't love the idea, either. But I can't afford to be too picky, given that I don't have plenty of options.
    And I know nearly nothing about them, so I don't know what to expect (apart from what Chip described above).

    Yes, be sure that I was planning to very explicitly ask her that.
    I don't have any first-hand information on how accepting she is, though. So there's some risk there. But, given how she is, I'd be extremely surprised if I discovered a dark side of her.

    Ugh, I didn't expect that anyone in a Western country could say something like that. But, well, supporting the “Let's get more Americans killed by gun violence” campaigns is as crazy as that. So, ew, I don't think I'm coming out to Gertrude anytime soon.

    Thanks! I'm still not 100 % sure that I'll have enough courage, though.
     
  12. Lyman

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    Thanks for sharing your perspective! As I said here, I don't think I have huge problems.

    I wouldn't say I need therapy. I guess it would be helpful, but I reiterate that I don't have a good way of finding a professional that knows what they're doing and that my parents would end up figuring out that I was making money disappear. So much to lose; not much to win. Or maybe I'm wrong—I don't know.
     
    #12 Lyman, Jul 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2020
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  13. Lyman

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    So... Only a few hours left to talk to Oona and I think I won't make any decision until I see how the conversation goes. I'm going to start with a couple of meaningful topics related to “mutual vulnerability” and, if I get good vibes and only a manageable amount of fear, I'll come out after that. If I do so, the next thing I'm doing is texting Aunt Emily (I've already written the draft).

    Do I know how to build suspense or what? Stay tuned for the next episodes of The Saga of Lyman!
     
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  14. Mihael

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    Hm, yeah, Zachary sounds like someone unpredictable and immature, so mediocre support.
    I think he must have worked a lot on the “solid” advice.

    Tbh I would also be curious how to get to know other LGBT folks outside bars and apps. Or just friends in general. I had bad luck with classmates but I have to finish my degree and from people I meet outside uni, they also don’t seem to be too talkative.
    Most of them are distanced.

    “You mean they ghost you after having sex”
    Not only. They can ghost you when they realise you’re not up for quick sex and aren’t going to change your mind no matter how much they flirt with you.

    The republican types tend to, even if they are liberal, be somewhat condescending of being gay, and strangely compare it to things that actually do hurt others, as if they didn’t see the difference between causing actual scientifically proved hurt and them having a dislike for something for whatever reason.

    How did it go? Did you summon up the courage to come out or is it waiting for later?
     
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  15. Lyman

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    Hi again, Mihael. Thanks for your interest in my adventures and misfortunes. ^^

    Once more, I agree. He's 25 (like me), but sometimes I feel I'm talking to a 17-year-old.

    He phoned me yesterday and, like that other time, he wanted to meet up for the first time with very short notice, after having ignored me completely for quite a long time. He's either super interested of super not-giving-a-f*ck about me, with no intermediate states. It's as if he was using me when he's bored or he doesn't have anything better to do... At least recently. Honestly, at the beginning he appeared to genuinely care.

    Once again, I was busy (or maybe just “busy”) and I'll keep being so, at least, until I have enough supportive people around, in case he turns out to be toxic.

    As for LGBT people, I'm clueless, as you know. Can anyone offer insights on this?

    For friends in general, well, my advice would be to first consider in what you're investing your time every day. Are there any activities that you're doing by yourself and that could be turned into a way of being in touch with people? For example, I've realised that I'm investing lots of hours per week in my favourite sport and that it's stupid to do it completely alone. So now I'm in the process of joining a club. And I can do that because now I'm okay(ish) with being gay, given that it's quite a homoerotic sport (a year ago, I'd be unable to focus, with the constant “Omg, is this arousal?” questions).

    The easiest way to build a friendship is upon the foundations of a common interest, I believe. But don't trust me too much — my social life is a disaster at the moment.

    Thanks! It's good to know more about those obscure apps.
    That's not that bad, I guess. In that scenario, I'd only be losing a moderate amount of time with each of them.

    Well, I know Gertrude has watched every single episode of Modern Family and liked it. And I can picture her watching the gay couples there as something to make fun of, in the same fashion as Sofia Vergara's exaggerated accent.

    Yes and no...
    Yes, I did summon up the courage and was ready to come out to Oona.
    And no, I didn't come out to Oona because she cancelled the call in the last minute. Now we're trying to reschedule it for next week.​
    I guess that was the universe telling me it wasn't my moment. :/

    I'm going to use this chance to make Aunt Emily be the first person I'm out to. Thinking about it, I'd like the first person I come out to to be someone that will always be part of my life. I know Emily will; and, although Oona is a good friend, it's statistically infrequent for a friendship to last “forever.” I'm grateful to the universe for having let me realise this.
     
  16. Pavel

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    It is important to find the right moment to come out. I know you will. So fingers crossed for you!

    I had imagined it many times before I finally came out to my female friend.
     
  17. Mihael

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    Yeah, there are such people. No matter what the reasons for their behaviour are, maybe they mean that they don’t care, maybe not, but one way or another it’s not cool to deal with it. But I have to admit that meeting *right right now* is my least favourite. Geez. I have other things to do. I have plans.

    Thank you for the advice about making friends. It’s a good idea to not find new hobbies but look for people who already do the sae as you do.

    I remember doing the same over and over before actually coming out. I wanted to say something, but... there was always a but and so I hesitated for months. Anyway, I agree that it’s important to find the right moment. Good luck!
     
  18. Lyman

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    Thanks to both of you for your replies! I'll post an update on how I'm doing in this thread quite soon. But now I want to ask you... What changed between the times when you considered coming out and didn't with respect to when you actually did it? Was it actually less scary or did you simply said “Okay, it's still scary, but I can't keep postponing it indefinitely”?

    I honestly don't know if, in my case, waiting for it to be less scary is just a waste of time.
     
  19. Mihael

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    The second scenario, definitely :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
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  20. Lyman

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    That's what I feared. :grin: