In lockdown with unsupportive parents for long, long weeks... Will leaning on EC help me?

Hi everyone. First and foremost, I want to thank you all for this wonderful forum. I’ve found comfort and validation many times in the past only by reading it.

I’m a 25-year-old cis male who’s been questioning his sexual orientation for years and struggling with it. My main issue is that I don’t have anyone with whom I can talk about it, as the few people I’m close enough to will either be unsupportive or only increase my doubts and unhappiness with their reactions. This is not pessimism — I know them very well.

The coronavirus lockdown is taking a huge emotional toll on me, as I’m trapped at my parents’ home and the only thing they both do is yelling all day. Although I do my best to prevent any conflict and to make them happy, they seem to be in a strange psychological state that makes peace impossible. I feel desperately alone and it’s ridiculous how much I’d give right now for a sincere hug from a caring, understanding person.

I’ve been more or less okay hiding all my inner conflicts about attraction for my whole life, but these past few months I’m feeling that I can’t do it anymore. Plus, I’ve started to be overwhelmed by a feeling of having missed a part of life that I don’t want to miss from now on. For instance, a few days ago I read this passage on The Advocate and I thought it was the saddest thing I’d ever read (it felt like falling into an abyss):

Were they summer loves who waved goodbye to each other, tears in their eyes, in front of their parents, as they each headed back home? Off to live “normal” lives with wives, children, white picket fences, and unspeakable secrets? And the constant, burning, lingering question of “what if?” Dying with devastating secrets and half-lived existences. Or, did Buzz and Tommy live that “normal” life, but then decide, decades into that false normalcy, that the real truth was too much to hide, and come clean with their lives?​

I’ve lived a quarter of a century of one of those “half-lived existences” and I shouldn’t expect anything else if I just sit down and wait for my problems to magically solve themselves. 22-year-old me was happy with his half-life due to years of self-decpetion, but 25-year-old me longs for an entire life with no what-if ’s.

Over the years, I’ve visited (almost) all the big sexual-orientation-related websites that are in languages that I speak, and I’ve read dozens (maybe hundreds?) of threads of people asking for advice on this topic. My conclusion is that, no matter how many of those I read, I won’t reach nirvana by just doing so. So in March I started to “sober up” because it started to feel like zombie-scrolling on social media: a complete waste of time that only produces dopamine and repetitive thoughts.

I’ve considered contacting a therapist/counselor, but I’ve ruled it out because: a) I’m pretty sure I will find none in my area; b) there’s a stay-at-home order where I live and I know for a fact that my parents eavesdrop me every time I make phone calls at home. In addition, I don’t love the idea of pathologising something that may well be a natural part of a self-discovery journey.

So I think that the best itinerary for me right now would be to:

1. Start an EC thread in which I explain my attraction and lack of attraction for each gender and ask you guys to decipher me. I would speak about crushes, fantasies, porn (I know), how the “acceptance experiment” went for me, personal relationships... It would be quite a long post, organised with spoiler blocks (by the way, how do yo do that?), as I want to include everything that I consider relevant, as objectively as possible.

2. Read my own post as if it was someone else’s and see if it sounds like “Jeez, another stressed straight”, or maybe like “How on earth can’t he realise he’s gay?”, or like the ace and bi equivalents to those statements. I think that writing the post is therapeutic per se (even if it gets no replies) because it gives me a chance to organise my thoughts, feelings and past experiences, which is something that I can’t do in my head.

3. Read the replies and treasure all the valuable advice they contain, for I have ZERO real-life experience with LGBTQ issues. I understand and love all the “Whatever you feel is valid”, “Only you makes you”, “Don’t worry about labels” and “You don’t have to diagnose yourself” mantras, but I do have a real need to distinguish what’s denial/bargaining/internalised-homophobia from genuine feelings. And I have no idea how I can figure this out.

4. As soon as it’s legal and safe to do so, go to the local library and read Joel Kort’s book (I’m amazed that they have it). Although the title suggests it’s only useful once you know you’re gay, I think I’ve seen it recommended for people that are questioning too. Am I right?

5. Try to make friends. As embarrassing as it sounds, thanks to my very peculiar background, I don’t have actual friends. I do have plenty of people with whom I can hang out with or have meaningless conversations for hours, but I crave for the kind of intimate friendship that allows you to share everything with that person.

6. Unless I become sure that I’m straight as a pole, try to ever go to one of the three gay(ish) places that exist in my hometown and see how it feels.

7. Try to open up (come out or “invite in”) to some supportive people, depending on how the items above go. If I’m able to openly talk about my sexuality face-to-face with a real human being, I will have made a lot of progress.

8. Do whatever I can to afford moving away from my parents, and maybe to another country. But that will take time.

9. (Here be dragons.)​

And now I ask you — does the plan above seem sensible to you? What would you change? I’m mainly asking about the first steps, as you might need more context to judge the other ones.

Is telling all my “dark” secrets on EC the right thing to do right now? I know I’ll get some useful advice, but I’m concerned that it’s not in my best interest to do so while in lockdown. There’s no doubt that I’m thinking too much and too often about my sexual orientation these months (3 to 10 times per week), and maybe giving myself an excuse to keep overthinking is a bad idea, given that I’m in a low mood. The alternative would be trying to suppress all those thoughts (I have lots of practice!) until normalcy comes back, but I think I like this plan even less because it sounds pretty much like my old “remedies”. Moreover, while in lockdown, this is literally the only thing I can do to feel less desperate and to make some progress (instead of starting my 287th cycle of denial-bargaining-depression; which is really frustrating because, okay, I get that the 5 stages aren’t linear, but looping round them for years is definitely not nice).

On a final note, I want to clarify that my life is great if you ignore all the issues that I’ve discussed here, and that I couldn’t be further away from suicidal thoughts or actions. Plus, being gay/bi where I live isn’t a crime and it’s not dangerous at all. And I have no intention of hooking up with anyone anywhere soon. So I’ll be safe.

P. S.: I’ve written this post in my head so many times that I can’t believe I’m actually doing it!

 

Thank you both for taking the time to read my post and replying to it. You're so nice! <3

Thanks for your words, rkcameeon. I'm happy that you're finding support and understanding!

As for the parents thing, yep — it sucks. Mine aren't fully-fledged homophobes, yet I don't want to come out to them before I am totally sure of what I am and am living by myself. And I also had mechanisms of dealing with our relationship when things went ugly, but being with them in a tiny space 24/7 makes it quite difficult.

So that means that I can make it before I'm 30. I'll text you in 2025 and tell you how it went, ha ha.

Yes, I've been doing that since late 2019 because I realised that most of the people I called friends weren't more than “tourists” in my life. The thing is that many of the youngsters that live in my area aren't originally from here, so due to coronavirus those people I've invested time in are now hundreds of miles away and distance is making our budding friendhips die away.

Coming out isn't what I need right now (I first need to know if I'm in a closet and, if so, what kind of closet it is), but it's certainly a good thing to have people around.

Thanks for those suggestions. I'll keep them in mind! As each tiny action related to sexuality requires a lot of “bravery” for me, I don't think I'll be very helpful to other users before I figure out what I am or, at least, be closer to figuring out. This is only the second day I've communicated with another human being about this!

By the way, seeing that you started like me and that now you are happy with who you are fills me with hope.

 

So... I guess I'll think a little bit more whether to create a “decipher me” thread or not (I still feel that it might only make me think more and more about this) and, in the meantime, let's see if anybody else replies here. I'm genuinely interested in what you think is best to do right now!

 

Hi again, Ram90. Apologies for the tardiness... I have limited access to the internet and electronic devices during these times and, on top of that, I wanted to have a username & avatar change before I did anything else on this site.

I tried to reply to your message on my profile for a while, but I don't know how to do it... I clicked on "Show conversation", but that's a deadlock. I also attempted to drop by your wall and leave a message there, but that was another failure. :/ Sheesh, I feel like a 95-year-old using his first smartphone.

Ew, that doesn't sound good. Can I ask what happened? Were you outed by anyone? Plan B is going through your post history, but I'd feel like a stalker.

I've just spent a few minutes reading how being LGBT in India is like and, if you were able to get to the point at which you are right now (I'm in awe of you, by the way), I'm sure I'll be able to make a lot of progress too because, as I said, I'm fortunate to live in a much more open society (but not super duper open, though).

I mean — I've been in such a phase for several years, but for the longest time I believed that I could do it by myself, just by googling stuff and analysing my thoughts and feelings. I think my rationale was something along the lines of not wanting to expose myself (not even online) because that way I wouldn't have to face the "shame" of having done so, especially if I turned out to be straight (which is what I wanted so badly). But do you know what? I can't do it alone. I CAN'T!

I want to thank my beloved ex-Church, schools and the rest of my upbringing for the awful lot of internalised homophobia I've always carried inside me like a disease. Fortunately, I now know that any institution or person that wants me to believe that a fundamental part of myself is a sin is intrinsically evil and shouldn't be a part of my life.

Yeah, sure. There's no rush and it clearly takes time. And lockdown means that it actually doesn't matter that much if I reach nirvana a bit earlier or later because, well, I can't meet people and it doesn't matter that much to whom I attracted to among those people I'm not seeing, I guess.

Having said that, I feel that I can no longer stay at the same point doing nothing. So yes, I'll take one step at a time, but there's no need to keep overthinking the same stuff once and again (my last few years were basically that).

I have to say that these days, whenever I remember I'm actually posting on EC, at first I'm overcome by fear. It's ridiculous how scary I feel it is. Maybe it's another manifestation of the mourning for my straight self? I mean that now my questioning isn't just in my head, but it also exists out there in the real world, so it feels more real.

But fortunately I only freak out for a few seconds and then what a feel is a lot of inner peace. Typing out all these things feels surprisingly good and the few interactions with other EC members I've had feel even better. I'm amazed that such a simple action is so liberating.

Those are wise words. I love that perspective!

Thanks! You too! And I reiterate that I'll reply to your profile post when/if I learn how to do it!

 

And now a couple of tiny little updates on my situation... I honestly don't know if I expect anyone to reply to them and, if so, in which way. But I feel like I want to register them here.


Firstly, a psychological update. Today is the 6th day since I joined EC and since Wednesday I've noticed that I'm starting to feel the same way I felt right before lockdown. Back then, I had been doing the "acceptance experiment" for a long while, with the "I'm gay" statement (wow, I've written the death sentence of my straight self for the first time!). I also considered doing so with bi/pan instead, but it somehow felt less natural (I can't explain why).

My inspiration was a passage I loved when reading the Tao Te Ching:

If you want to become straight,
Let yourself be crooked.​

After all, where can I find better advice on LGBT issues than on a Chinese manuscript from the 4th century BC? But seriously, philosophically it made sense to say: "You've tried to be straight all your life and it's been no use. Don't you think that means something? Just embrace the crookedness and see where that takes you!" I thought I had invented the acceptance experiment, but later on I found out that it had been discussed in EC for ages. So sadly I have to forget about a patent application. :/

The thing is that, after having done the experiment for 8 months, I felt that everything was falling into place. But then all this surreal coronavirus dystopia started and I started feeling like an impostor as gay, bi and straight. All of a sudden, all my progress had been wiped out and I was back to the issues of my 23-year-old self. I think it was all caused by the psychological effects of lockdown per se and by my parents yelling continuously.

And these days I'm once again at ease, while the idea of being gay feels okay-ish. I mean that, if a genie suddenly appeared in my room and told that he could turn me straight if I wanted to, I don't think I'd accept because now I simply want to be the way I'm meant to be.



And now a physical update. Due to something I'm working on at the moment (unrelated to my sexuality), I ended up being texted by a guy that lives in my town and is one year older than me. Let's call him Zachary. We'd been texting back and forth a little bit, when boredom made me google him because I wanted to know how his face looked like.

That made me discover that he's the president (and perhaps the only member?) of the only LGBT association in my town that I'm aware of. The online presence of that organisation is just a social media profile that was updated for the last time in late 2018. They have pictures of the pride parade they organised in 2017, in which I can see exactly 9 different people. So that's the kind of visibility I can expect here, I guess.

I've also discovered he's openly gay and that we've got a couple of common interests. So I feel that, at the right moment, he might be the first person with whom I could speak face to face about my sexual orientation and find some support. He could even be my cicerone into gayness, ha ha.

I think our conversation will keep going for long enough for him not to forget that I exist before that "right moment" comes. And maybe then, when I'm more sure of what I am, I can open up to him, a real human being. It's funny — I always thought the first person I'd come out to would be someone important in my life, not a dude that was a complete stranger 2 weeks ago. But at least I can be sure that the president of a gay rights association won't out me, can't I?

Fortunately, I find him rather ugly, so I'm pretty sure I won't crush on him and make everything even more difficult.



That's all for now. Let's see where this journey takes me.

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective, musicteach. I really appreciate that you did.

You're right — I may well never have a "Eureka" moment of saying "Wow, I'm <Insert label>, I've always been that and will always be that". I think my main issue with labels used to be the apparent definitiveness of the statement (I was in the "f*** labels" boat for some time), but now my perspective is "Let's try this, see how things go and, if needed, it's always okay to change".

I love your analogy and I'd also love to hear how your experience with your sexuality has been to that respect. I mean, did you ever identify as something different from gay? If so, were you happy during those times? Or maybe I'm not getting the analogy(?)

In my case, though, looking back at all my attraction history, I believe it's quite consistent over time. I don't want to remove fluidity from the equation, but honestly it seems that I've always been attracted the same way to the same things and I suspect that the progression of using the same evidence to conclude that I'm straight > ace > bi/pan > gay (with many twists and turns) is due to negation & bargaining fading away over the years. Does that make sense?

 

Thanks, Musicteach. Your life story seems pretty interesting. By the way, I also love music — it's among the few things that's maintining my sanity during these times.

 

And another little update on how I'm doing...

Today marks the end of a rubbish week, which has been the confirmation that I need to move out from my parents' home as soon as I can. It's absolutely ridiculous how oppressive this is in so many respects (don't get me started), most of which have nothing to do with the pandemic. And the funniest part is that my parents are generally regarded as progressive people in our community. Has anyone watched Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? Well, my parents are Spencer Tracy, but much more exaggerated.

I’ve been focusing on constructive actions, which includes a new EC post that I'm working on. I still need to think a bit more about its content, but I believe that it'll be ready in the coming days.

 

I'm glad to see you here too, Case121.

Yeah, I'm sure you can give me some great advice (you were once 25, weren't you?), but I was more concerned about me advising you. After all, I have no clue of how doing anything for 30 years is like or how growing up in the 70s was like. But if you find my replies useful despite that, let's go ahead, ha ha.

Wow! 300?! That's ALOT. No, wait, I forgot you're in your early 50s and not in your 20s. You certainly hoed around a little bit, but not to a concerning degree, ha ha.

Two thoughts on that number:

1. Thinking about myself, I find it terrifying. I've just realised that I don't want to do 300 women in my lifetime, and not even 30... Maybe 3 is more like it, but still... However, with men, 300 doesn't look that bad to me (if I forget about STDs). Once more, I don't think I'm straight.
   
2. Thinking about you, and gathering other things you've posted, I find it really hard to believe that you're gayer than a curious straight. I think someone told you "Go and try it with a man"; why don't you try that? You clearly aren't scared of sex (unlike me), But, hey, I don't know that much. So take this with a grain of salt.

You're saying you don't feel "real sexual attraction" towards men. So how do you define what you feel for them? It sounds like what I used to say about women, and I suspect that what I feel for them is actually not attraction (just my brain playing games with me). I wouldn't be surprised if your attraction to men wasn't genuine.

Do you know what's the thing I like the least about the prospect of being gay? That it provides too easy answers to complex questions, such as "That's why I always felt so unique!", "That's why I have no friends!", "That's why I've never experienced love or sex!", "That's why I feel incomplete!", and the like. And the worst part is that it makes it seem as if nothing was my fault and I could have done nothing to address those issues.

However, I know that my sexuality is just one factor in those things and, even if I were straight, I'd still be quite a weird and socially awkward guy with fears, insecurities and some amount of unhappiness. And that's because the way I was brought up, the things I've experienced and decisions I've freely made all played a role in bringing me to the point at which I am today.

Why don't you try attending a psychologist now? Better late than never, right?

Yes. Be sure I will. I'm painfully aware that I've "wasted" many beatiful years to experience love and intimacy, and I don't want to keep doing this for years.

And, as for you, please don't stress too much. And remember — Enjoy what you enjoy. It's as simple as that.

 

You're welcome, Case. I'll go and see those thoughts as soon as I can.

 

It's been almost two weeks since I last posted an update here. And now I feel like I have a couple of new things to add. Plus, the idea of having a journal of my "descent into gayness" is quite interesting per se and I feel that it serves a purpose at the stage I'm currently at. Again, I don't know what kind of replies (if any) I expect, but any feedback is welcome.


Firstly, social restrictions are slowly being relaxed where I live. Basically, this will allow me to do a few things outdoors... But completely alone. It's better than indoors and alone, though not great. The sad part is that a more "normal" situation in which I can have opportunities to meet people of my age that can become friends is still quite far away.

I don't know exactly why, but I had never been bothered by my lack of social connections until this lockdown. Maybe the loss of my straight self is exacerbating the feeling of loneliness? At the same time, I'm also dealing with the loss of my Christian self, with the extremely tense atmosphere of my parents' home and with the more direct consequences of the pandemic. My conjecture is that all these things are acting as catalysts of my self-discovery journey (which is wider than the search for my sexual orientation), which has made me realise that I want to turn a new page of my life and that I need someone to be there for me.


Secondly, I think that I'm getting closer to the acceptance of my sexual orientation. In fact, half of the time I feel that I'm there and that I'm making the process longer and more complicated than it actually is. The rest of the time, the ghosts of denial and questioning come back in manifold shapes, to remember me that I'm not there yet. Nonetheless, there has been a huge change: I'm not scared anymore (not even at my lowest moments), which is a big difference.

Without fear, I can be rational and analytical, and address specific issues in a constructive way. The first example of this was my "Ew/Meh" thread, about whose content I'm still thinking. There will be at least two more of such threads, the first of which will be released soon (as it's not related to a proper sexual orientation, I think it will go into "Family and Relationships" because it's where it fits in least badly).


Thirdly, as anyone can see from my posts, so far I've interacted with a few EC users and, by talking about other people's problems, I'm starting to realise that I'm way better at addressing sexual-orientation-related issues in others than when it comes to applying that to myself (I guess everyone is). But I believe I'm improving my self-diagnosis skills and that I'm walking on the right direction.


All in all, I feel optimistic... I don't know what is that "bright side of life" I'm looking on right now, but I'm mostly fine (despite all). As they say, the only thing you can always control is your attitude.