Single life in 2017

Y'all, honestly, half the time I feel like a horny teenager. I think I need to channel this in some way, working out or cleaning or cooking. My work - which I have tons of. My ability to concentrate with 'the feelings' is not great right now.

I have to stop working at the coffee shops. There is one barista that makes me want to take a cold shower. I asked her name last week. This morning she said Hi -----. I of course remembered her name and we chatted. Of course it's her job to remember names and be chatty. Jesus.

What is wrong with us ladies?!?!?!

 

Yes. I binged watched last week and this weekend.

I am so pissed. It wasn't picked up for a second season. Why is netflix trying to ruin my life?

So, Naomi Watts reminds me of my former crush. But, Sidney in that show...Damn! She was sexy as hell.

But, the barista today asked me if I was coming to the coffee shop sat night for a big party. But she is so friendly she talks to everyone. I'm a grown woman getting all dreamy about a barista.

 

I saw my former crush tonight and it's safe to say she is a former crush. I am honestly not interested anymore. I don't want to chase a straight/curious girl that is not interested in me. That doesn't make me feel good and I realize I am happy opening myself up to other relationships. I went to a lesbian bar on Sat night and had a blast. There were tons of people there. So, I'm opening myself up to new things and right now I'm interested in seeing what else is out there.

 

It is. I really don't want to be a bitch and give her the cold shoulder. She does not deserve that at all, but I certainly can not treat her on a special level. That's too confusing for me.
I'm having a party Friday night. It will be a good time to just interact as friends.

 

And Sat night I'll either go to Pride or the party at the coffee shop, which will likely have folks coming in from Pride and it's just a fun place to hang out anyway. And 'barista' says she's working that night, so there's that.
Not to mention lots of work work this week, soccer practice for the kids, and all the other stuff adults and parents do during the week.

I have plenty to do.

 

I think barista is gay. But she works at a coffee shop so she is probably 22. Plus, maybe she's not gay. I used to think I had great gaydar. But it's broken.

I started off today on a down mood. I just came to the realization of how much I'm trying to juggle with my kids. Trying to get that routine down and it's a little odd because they are staying with their grandmother part of the time until my ex's house is ready to move into. And they were telling me there grandmother decorated their rooms at his house and how much they love it. And I should be happy she is providkng stability but it made me sad. I guess irritated that I'm not in their lives completely. And that she is like this pseudo-wife for my ex. Has always been. And that won't ever change. I just have to accept that as the reality. I am happy that he is excited to provide a nice beautiful home for the kids.

I think I am just experiencing ups and downs.

I know my former crush and I won't have the level of friendship we once had bc it took us to a place we are not going back to. So that is sad for me. I don't feel close to her or even want to invest there really.

I think this is a time in my life to get comfortable with being alone. Liking and loving myself.

I do miss being with someone. I mean physical touch. And the odd thing is, I could be with my guy friend (soccer coach) any time I wanted to, I bet. But ugh, no. At least I know I don't want that.

 

It is a roller coaster. I just talked with my ex on the phone and nearly started crying. Jesus.

I'm sorry you are having the ups and downs too.

Let's enjoy the good parts of the ride and hold on tight for the scary parts.