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Single life in 2017

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OED27x, Aug 19, 2017.

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  1. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Down right down with it hahaha this is a great statement.
     
    #61 silverhalo, Sep 7, 2017
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  2. RJay

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    I could have written this exact same thing about V. SIGH...
     
    #62 RJay, Sep 8, 2017
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  3. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    Not much to add but it helps keep my brain sane knowing that I'm not the only one out there going through this. Someone needs to slap that therapist. Who in their right mind would break up a marriage, see their kids only half the time just for a trend. I think girls kissing each other at parties to impress guys is a trend. This stuff is so far from that. I would love so much to be happy with my husband and grow old with him but that connection just isn't there. I have been with someone since 2002 and getting out there to date scares the crap out of me.
     
    #63 Farmgal, Sep 8, 2017
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  4. Mabel

    Mabel
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    Me too, about my gf. I understand her choices, I respect her choices. It doesn't matter, it just hurts that She can't hurt her family ,but she can hurt me. That hurts, it hurts that I can never be enough. No amount of understanding seems to take that hurt away. And hurt creates walls and walls take down relationships. So now I feel us falling into friends because I can't talk about my feelings to her, it would just keep hurting her...and then we wouldn't even have friend status.
     
    #64 Mabel, Sep 8, 2017
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  5. Mabel

    Mabel
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    This didn't quote with RJay's post but I wanted to reply to this as well, in my response above.
     
    #65 Mabel, Sep 8, 2017
  6. OED27x

    OED27x
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    Just putting Something out there for advice:

    My trigger and I rebuilt our friendship. But it really doesn't look and feel the same now. I realize up until I had dinner with her about a month ago a small part of me was holding out hope there would be something there. But then that night she told me there could be something there but she is not in the place and may never be in the place to look at it. After a day or so of thinking I told her I respected that, she needs to go at her own pace, and I was happy to be friends.

    Now we text occasionally. We open up, but not to the extent before. I'm holding back trying to protect myself. To our social circle it looks like from the outside we used to be best friends. Now we are just acquaintances. They don't know we have this other layer to our relationship.

    After the last Cub scouts meeting (I couldn't go) she told me it wasn't the same without me there. But I went to the meeting last night, was a little distant to her, and she just texted that she is glad I made it last night.

    What should I do? I want to protect myself but I also don't feel it's fair to her to pull away from her when I do want to be her friend.
     
    #66 OED27x, Sep 12, 2017
  7. RJay

    RJay
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    Ughhhhhhh. I am getting a little sucked in to V's stuff again, so I feel your pain. She texted me like 20 times last night, and I had promised myself I wouldn't get all wrapped up in her again, but there I was, answering everything, offering to help walk the dog, take the daughter to school. My advice is to NOT do what I do. Keep protecting your heart. You went out on a limb, and it's up to her to pursue your friendship (or more). I'm telling V how I feel at the earliest opportunity so I can put this behind me, but in your case, your friend knows. I'm sure she understands your need to keep a little distance.
     
    #67 RJay, Sep 12, 2017
  8. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I think communication is the key. I think it's ok to say to her, look I value your friendship but it's going to take some time and space to find our new normal. You can tell her you respect her position and have no problem with that but that you have to deal with your feelings so that you can ensure it can just be a friendship moving forward.
     
    #68 silverhalo, Sep 12, 2017
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  9. OED27x

    OED27x
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    @silverhalo I agree and we did that earlier in our friendship. Our history was we did cross the line. She knows how I feel because we were intimate and over this past year we both got separated. She said we were just friends. We didn't talk for a couple months. I told her I needed space. Then we rebuilt.

    She texted again and said she wishes we could have talked more last night. I can see she is investing in the friendship and I think I do owe it to the friendship to continue to invest in it.

    I think the key is learning how to build that friendship again while protecting my heart.
     
    #69 OED27x, Sep 12, 2017
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  10. Soundofmusic

    Soundofmusic
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    Can you be her friend without feeling anything toward her (whether that's romatic feelings, lust, or disappointment at the situation or animosity)? I tried being friend with my trigger after everything and I just felt so weird toward her and it affected me a lot emotionally. If you're able to set any/all feelings aside, then I say the friendship is worth working on. Otherwise, you might be headed toward a weird situation?
     
    #70 Soundofmusic, Sep 12, 2017
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  11. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Exactly, I think you have to have some clear boundaries that neither of your cross and from there I think it really isn't just time. Time heals all manner of things but it can't be rushed.
     
    #71 silverhalo, Sep 12, 2017
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  12. OED27x

    OED27x
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    @Soundofmusic I really am working on putting feelings aside. I think it actually helped when she said she wasn't ready to look at what happened between us. Because I know I am in a different place, you know. I am coming out. I am ready to experience something with a woman that is ready to experience it with me. I am tired of hiding from myself and the world. So, I think as I've gone through this journey, just noticing other women, flirting with women, my feelings have kind of dissipated for H. I just honestly have to treat her like any other friend. Which is a little sad. But that's the way it has to be for me.
     
    #72 OED27x, Sep 12, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
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  13. NeonSocks

    NeonSocks
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    To quote my therapist: we can't live in the happiness of memories of the past when the future adventures can be so much brighter. It sounds like you are doing a great job of recognizing what is best for you. I know that's not an easy thing and we are all prone to missteps along the way, but living as your full, true self has to feel truly empowering.
     
    #73 NeonSocks, Sep 12, 2017
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  14. OED27x

    OED27x
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    It is empowering. Exactly. This is a brand new thing - to go with how I FEEL instead of fighting against it or trying to rationalize. To do what I WANT not what is expected of me.
     
    #74 OED27x, Sep 12, 2017
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  15. RJay

    RJay
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    Yes, we are all owed at least that much after what we've been through. I feel like you and I are having kind of parallel experiences with the friends of ours. Different details but similar trajectories.
     
    #75 RJay, Sep 12, 2017
  16. OED27x

    OED27x
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    Yeah, part of me thinks these trigger crushes are a right of passage in coming out. It's just more complicated bc we are older, have more baggage, more on the line. And I mean that in all the best ways!
     
    #76 OED27x, Sep 12, 2017
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  17. OED27x

    OED27x
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    Time to make a post. This is part rant and part ramble:

    I honestly feel like I have been making positive forward movement in my life. I am happy for the most part, my job is stable, lucrative, and challenging. I have incredibly fantastic friends, I have two wonderful kids, and I'm happy with who I am. For the most part. I have a lot of gratitude.

    The biggest challenge in this, for me, is this realization I will never be the mom that I once was. I will never be with my kids 100% of the time. I can be a great mom, a supportive, proud and caring mom, but I don't tuck my kids in every night. If my daughter gets up in the middle of the night, I'm not always there for her.

    This is hard. Very hard for me. I am actively trying to let go of the things I can't change. Their dad and I will not be together anymore so this is the reality I have to accept.

    Thursday while I was out of town my former crush texted that she was hoping to see me at soccer. I said no, but I'm sure D will take the kids. She texted after and said no, he didn't take the kids. 1) damnit! Why can't he fucking do the things he should do with them! 2) damnit! Why the hell does she text me and say she's hoping to see me? Don't fucking do that bc I know she has to know how that sounds!

    Today my ex MIL took the kids to a festival down the street and I met them up there for a bit (they don't come home till Monday) my MIL goes on and on and on about how the teacher says this and that. I'm thinking, I fucking know. I'm their mom. I get the emails and the class app updates. And she says they did homework Thursday night and studied for Friday's test. 1) Who the hell is she trying to impress? Me? 2) why the hell cant my ex do the homework with the kids?! It's like I raise the kids with his MOTHER!!!

    I have two attitudes on this 1) my kids are loved and cared for at all times. I am lucky for this and lucky she can step in and help. My ex has always been a mamas boy. This won't change. I will have to be mature. 2) I'm pissed I have to coparent with my MIL.

    Finally, I met a woman at the coffee shop about a month ago. Immediately my gaydar went through the roof. I saw her at the festival. We walked home together coincidentally and laughed and talked the entire time. She is married!! But I swear to god, if she is straight then my gaydar is broken. Short hair, no make up, very very good muscle tone. It's like the universe is trying to fuck with me.
     
    #77 OED27x, Sep 16, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2017
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  18. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Aww @OED27x have hugs, I totally get why you are annoyed and upset and need to rant.

    As for not always being their for your kids, I don't have kids but I can imagine that is really hard. I guess you have to look at it that if you stayed with their Dad you would be miserable and so even though you'd be there with them in body at all times you wouldn't be there with them in mind and you wouldn't be the same for them as you can and will be this way.

    Im sorry it feels as though life is shitting all over you at the moment. I hope you get some sunny times soon.
     
    #78 silverhalo, Sep 16, 2017
  19. RJay

    RJay
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    So much to respond to here!

    I know that has to be so hard to share your kids. So so so hard. I honestly wish I could wave a wand and make my ex disappear, but of course I want my son to have a father, so..... It's just not an easy situation and there is no perfect solution.

    V has the same bullshit about having to deal with the ex MIL. Her ex is a mama's boy too. Boy is that ever frustrating!!! I'm sorry! It's like, "step off, bitch!" (My MIL died 15 years ago.)

    Your "former crush" is a piece of work. She is sure not making it easy on you. ARGH. I mean, I have overthought every text and word from V, but in your case it's much much worse because there was something between you guys. EEK.

    Finally, the coffee shop woman, oh no! It's like L! What on earth, universe?! J and I discussed at length how all these straight women that seem a little gay are very confusing. And we agreed that it's better to just keep your head down when out and about in public and not try to figure anybody out! But that is a lot easier said than done! I mean, how can you really avoid finding certain women you might meet intriguing?
     
    #79 RJay, Sep 16, 2017
  20. OED27x

    OED27x
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    Yes to all of that. My MIL is the weirdest, almost unhuman, person. She is so passive aggressive. I can get along with everyone, but from day one, I could never figure out how to build any sort of bond with this woman. I am very direct. She is completely concerned with appearances and being polite. And my ex was raised by her as an only child. He is such a complete mamas boy. Anyway! Enough about her! She loves the kids and the kids love her and that is all that matters.

    My former crush is a piece of work. Honestly I just keep moving on from that. She's not available for many reasons. I really don't want to enter into a LTR with someone right now but I wouldn't mind dating someone that was available! (I.e. Not married, not completely straight, not afraid of their gayness, not emotionally unstable).

    But I've been binge watching Gypsy. And Naomi Watts reminds me of her in so many ways. Her hair, the way she dresses.
     
    #80 OED27x, Sep 16, 2017
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