Sick of not fitting in and not being enough for queer culture

Me too we're good. That's no fun getting upset about it. Once they know your allergies they should be respectful of you. If not you can keep telling them or move on I guess but that's too bad they are like that.

Now how is that Otter guy doing?

 

This is an interesting thread. I don't know why being gay comes with any assumptions about interests or behaviours. The only thing it says is who you're attracted to. I thought we wanted this not to be a big deal, but now it seems we're meant to think it's the biggest of all deals and the centre of all of our lives.

In the last few years, I feel like I've been enlisted against my will into a "queer" religion, a stifling orthodoxy where I have to tick a long list of belief boxes and any deviation from the norm is deemed worthy of contempt and ostracisation. How regressive that once I tell someone I'm gay, they should automatically be able to predict my opinions about everything! And this dogma is incredibly intolerant, as though we've learned nothing from being the victims of intolerance ourselves.

So yeah, I don't care at all about drag. I think it's dull, stupid, uninteresting and often vaguely misogynistic. I don't care about Madonna or Golden Age divas or Sam Smith. I don't understand the appeal of having sex with someone I've known for five minutes whose name I won't remember the next day. (I've been in a monogamous relationship for seven years.) I love animals, but I do eat (murder?) fish. I hate cruelty masquerading as "sassiness". I don't think cynicism is a viable long-term strategy for dealing with life. I couldn't care less about fashion. I hate nightclubs and the crap music blaring from them.

@lottaotter I would advise you to stop trying to conform. Would you really want to be like those people - predictable, intolerant, rigidly conforming in their apparent nonconformity? Be yourself, voice your own opinions, don't be afraid to disagree with someone. Ultimately, anyone interesting will prefer that.

 

Well, I for one am not a fan of drag, my job makes me hate people, I believe in eating what I find appetizing and satisfying, and the only three musicals I like are Wicked, Fiddler on the Roof, and The Pirates of Penzance. People do not just break out into song like that in real life, so why the hell are musicals such an apparently big part of gay culture? I have no freaking clue, but if it's not the three I mentioned, I neither know nor care. I don't even like the Beetlejuice musical despite the movie being one of my favorites of all time, but will say that Alex Brightman is a good replacement for Michael Keaton. Not remotely the point, just throwing it out there. Anyway, my point is, if you're not getting anywhere trying to fit in to gay culture, then stop trying. Do what you enjoy and feel is right for you and if you meet people who mesh with you that way, then you can be a gay guy who is into the things you like rather that a stereotype.

Like, I am fat and don't shave and don't sleep well because I work early but like staying up late. I like hockey, American football, and professional wrestling, if I didn't tell people my sexuality when it's relevant to do so, most of my interests would lead them to believe I'm straight. And I am fine with that. I don't like Madonna or even know who Sam Smith is, K-pop and Asian dramas hold no interest to me, my preferred genres of music are classic rock and video game soundtracks and my TV watching habits tend towards true crime. I do not like it when on TV, people who are adamantly childfree find out they're pregnant and are suddenly ecstatic and can't wait to be a mom and dad, and also feel that neither continued straight male representation or increasing gay male representation in movies and TV adequately represent me. Never been to a Pride event because it's too far to walk and there are too many people for my liking even if there was one close enough for me to walk to. Despite my self-professed geekiness, I do not like the idea of comic cons or multiplayer focused video games.

 

“So yeah, I don't care at all about drag. I think it's dull, stupid, uninteresting and often vaguely misogynistic.”

I’m really glad someone said this because I find it entirely misogynistic. I don’t like it at all.

 

He secretly wants you. I'm sorta joking, but would not be shocked if I was right.

 

In this thread the kind of interests you are talking about have been described as nonsense, childish, cliched, overcompensating, belittling, high-and-mighty, nerdy and a host of other such epithets. And that's alright but it's probably not going to make people a lot of friends amongst people who enjoy such things. People are entitled to decency and a certain degree of respect. I'm not really sure anyone is entitled to friendship--after all everyone only has so much time and emotional energy.

I thought I was suggesting another way to look at things that might produce different results. If that is not helpful, I apologize.

 

What Rain said, for sure. I won't try to add to it because I'll probably muck it up.

 

Hi @lottaotter, there's no chance that "everyone" hates you. Some people will like you, some dislike you, and many more will be completely indifferent.

Who is "forcing" you to like stuff? If someone doesn't want to know you because you don't share a particular interest, then just move on to someone more open-minded. Yes, there are a lot of not-very-nice gay people, but there are lots of nice ones too (just like the population in general).

Also maybe just be a bit careful about how you come across to people. Other people are insecure, uncertain and often scanning the world for people's reactions, and if you seem hostile to them, even if it's just because you're insecure, then they'll probably just distance themselves.

Sorry that you're feeling so alone. Try to stay open to the possibility that some people are good and decent, because otherwise you risk making a false perception into a reality.

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. What are the interests you like that aren't gay related? Your family doesn't hate you. Earlier you had dates that you didn't want to go out with again so that seems like guys like you. I think you're crashing hard but I hope you'll hang on and feel better again.

 

I don't know if that helps, but I have concluded that it has to do with different sensitivity levels and being an introvert. "The crowd people" are noisy and loud and leave those who are quieter out. To them an introvert is boring and fussy. Extraverts don't see things exactly the same way and are more likely to be brutal in not very obvious ways. For example to word things in a dismissive manner and to gaslight others. Because to them someone being mean, uncaring, dismissive isn't a big deal. Neither are the ways they have fun a big deal to them. I have an issue with clubbing, for example, I hate it. It's a headache and overall unpleasant. Some people like it tho. It has to not seem as aggressive to them. I'm working on it myself, but the party crowd seems like the wrong address for me. I don't really know how to do it, but I'm trying to look for people who prefer calmer activities. And yeah, there is a problem with no obvious space for lgbt introverts. Everywhere I go it's clubbing, open relationships, crowding yourself on a small area, loud music, drinking etc.

 

I relate to this too. Have you read about being a highly sensitive person (HSP)? Our sensitivity can be a very good thing and the world needs more of us, but we can also get frustrated, tired and avoid the world's harshness. Especially for guys, being sensitive is not allowed and turned into an insult so we try not to be that way so we can fit in, but then we aren't being authentic and it's very draining and we shouldn't have to do that. Maybe libraries, bookshops and cafes are quieter places for us, but then I'd be too shy anyway lol.

 

Yeah, but I never related to it for some reason. Most psychological descriptions assume that if you have some personality trait, you have to act like that, but in reality it's more complicated than that.

For girls too. Sad to admit it but women are just less prone to misbehaviour and less energetic, not more sensitive. I get on with average women the worst tbh, because they read into everything too much and can't just leave someone's behaviour alone.

Idk, for me it's easier to relax when there isn't much going on and I'm more chatty in less overwhelming environments.

 

I don't hate you, Lottaotter. I sympathise with you because I see a lot of my younger self in you.

Making friends can be hard sometimes. When I first moved to London it took me ages to start to gather a support network around me. I had to go up a few blind alleys before I alighted on the people who, I guess, constitute 'my tribe'. I advise you not to get disheartened and to keep being brave and putting yourself out there, even if it is exhausting.

I have no experience of the gay scene, but I can only talk of the trans support group I'm a part of down here. There are only a couple of people I get on with and would consider 'friends'. The fact is having sexuality/ trans-ness in common is not a good indication of whether a friendship will develop. Having common interests, a common outlook on life and common values are far more important.

Sending out hugs to you,

Beth

 

As an introvert myself, I remember the disapproval from school peers for not drinking or other things. I‘ve come to think of the introvert seeing themselves as a “Real Person.” As in “A Real Person gets drunk on weekends”, “A Real Person goes to dances and tries to score”, “A Real Person uses pot”, etc. And anyone who doesn’t fit that round peg is a nerd, weirdo, insert negative word. It’s been nearly 50 years since I graduated high school and comments made to me still burn so much that I won’t be Facebook friends with the people who made the comment. Rant over.