Sick of not fitting in and not being enough for queer culture

Aww buddy I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You sound like a great guy so I don't understand it either. There's nothing wrong with you! I don't think most gay guys here are in the scene like that and are just average guys. There must be straight or bi guys who would be friends with a gay guy in whatever interest group you could get into. I've never been to a drag show or watched Dragrace. I might be worried that I'd get picked out of the crowd for some jokes and would be too shy lol. Other flamboyant performers like circus sideshow acts and clowns can be a little unnerving for some people too. If I was nearby I'd meet you for coffee or a pint!

 

Hey Lottaotter, you and me have a lot in common.

I'm 53. I can't pretend any more to be interested in the current club scene and all that hocus pocus, elves n' goblins nonsense? It's for kids as far as I'm concerned (sorry gamers - just my humble opinion!)

Whisper it...I don't like drag either. I find much of it incredibly cliched and unadventurous. Also as a trans woman, I think I've always felt uneasy about it, like it was laughing at people like me..

Me neither. I'd like to find someone I can love and who'll be able to love me.

The word 'queer' has always irked me. I get how it's become a badge of pride yadda yadda yadda. But I'd like to think I'm as normal as anyone else living round here. I like football, cooking and running. I like being sociable, entertaining friends. I hate the Tories. The only thing that puts me outside the mainstream here in London is that I'm trans. I don't need to join a 'queer' club to feel accepted. People either accept as I am or sod 'em!

Anyway, I'm digressing. I guess what I'm trying to say is there are loads of us who don't fit into the preconceived boxes of what constitutes an LGTBQ+ lifestyle. What are you into, Lottaotter? Try and find people who are into the same things as you. It doesn't matter if they are gay, straight, bi or some mixture of the above. It's the quality of the connection that counts.

Instead of trying to fit in with the rest of the world, how about trying to create your own social world; one that fits in with your interests, your needs, your passions?

Beth xx

 

You absolutely do NOT have to live up to the status quo's ridiculous standards. I always find it so funny (not in a haha way) that the same community that scolds others for not thinking outside the box is so often well versed in putting themselves into boxes. I've noticed some of what you've mentioned, about how it seems expected that every LGBT person should know/enjoy/participate in drag (I don't), should use queer instead of any other label (if someone wants to do that, that's fine--that is not something that should be pushed on the LGBT populace as a whole), and that unless you label yourself with the tendance du jour, you are not "queer enough", you clearly have internalized *insert bigotry here*, or any number of reductive reasoning to justify dismissing someone's point of view.

You are gay. It is a part of you, not the whole of you, and it sounds to me like you are a lot more confident in who you are as a gay person than a lot of these folks you mentioned are. A lot of what happens with them smacks of overcompensation, which is heartbreaking: that anyone thinks they have to be overt in their sexual orientation in order to belong is depressing, not to mention false; there is no right or wrong way to be gay. The only qualifier is that you are exclusively attracted to men. That's literally it.

I know it's hard, but don't let their small-minded attitudes get you down. You are who you are, and it's better to be true to yourself than to falsify yourself for others.

 

Who are the people expecting us to do all that and why do they matter to you? The OP said similar but I quoted yours since it was most recent. I don't think most of us expect everyone to know/enjoy/etc all that stuff so if we're in the majority, how are those expectations being enforced, so to speak? I've used the word queer here as a general term to include all of us that have been rejected for being different. We're not like other marginalized groups, like race or religion since people fit in their family in the same way. I don't get why anyone would try to make you use queer and it's not my intent. If someone does that to you just explain it rationally and if they don't like it, you don't want to hang with them anyway.

 

I’m new here but don’t worry about what other people think. Are you happy? If not change things you can. As you get older you will wonder why you even cared about trying to fit in.

 

I agree with the others. Your only chance is to be yourself. That’s what I believe about myself too, although still working on that. We’ve been pretending for too long right? It’s time to be us, not one of them (whatever the hell that means). When you believe in yourself and you live that, everyone around will notice the transformation. You may not so much but believe me they will. Join, don’t join, but be yourself. I choose not to be a joiner. I just want to be me and express that. It may fit in somewhere and it may not but I’ll try to always be my authentic self. I’ve waited too long for this. You have too.

 

Awesome wording. Thanks!

 

We’re here for you on an ongoing basis. Hang with us and share your challenges and successes.

 

Hello there! I’m truly sorry that you have felt so left out and excluded. People can be so thoughtless and cruel. I’m bisexual and 26, (so around the age group I know you feel alienated from) but I also have experienced some of what you’re talking about despite my age. I often don’t feel edgy enough either compared to many of my peers. I’m not really overly political and I don’t necessarily share my beliefs with every person I meet. I’m also not at all interested in drag or watching it. I don’t play games and I spend most of my free time reading. I dress fairly femme most of the time and everyone who meets me prob thinks I’m straight. I know it’s probably not much, but I just want you to know that it’s okay to be you. You’re fine the way you are. Being queer doesn’t mean you have to do certain things or look a certain way. You sound like a genuine guy and that’s what matters.

 

I see these kinds of “norms” reinforced on social media all the time. I definitely have seen it reflected in groups and clubs as well. A lot of lgbt school clubs really seem to act like everyone who is gay are a monolith and all like the same things and have the same interests. I think that’s unfortunate because it makes people who don’t share these interests feel unwelcome.

 

I think using a label you feel comfortable with is the most important thing. Or even no label at all. I think Men loving Men as a descriptor is just fine if that reflects how you feel. I use a variety of labels because several more or less fit.

 

I feel a lot of these things too! I wish there were more non-nightclub LGBTQ+ venues to hang out - like libraries or coffee shops! I mean I know they can't discriminate against straight people! But it seems like the only LGBTQ+ specific places are aimed at young extroverts! I love to go and see all the happy, beautiful, young people having fun sometimes but I don't really feel part of it.
Also being bi I have experienced bi-phobia and erasure from both straight and gay people... I don't have any answers except that you're certainly not alone!