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Married with children but think I’m a lesbian - any advice very welcome

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Emily999, May 24, 2020.

  1. Emily999

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    Hi all,
    I’ve just found this site today.
    I’m really struggling after ending a 6 month lesbian affair I’ve been having.
    I say affair, but our husbands knew - but it got to the point her husband wanted her to choose between us and I couldn’t offer her enough, I don’t feel ready to leave my husband and break up my family.
    BUT, I feel sick without her, I miss everything about her.
    I’m worried that at 37 years old, I’m actually a lesbian and even if I somehow manage to get over her, I’m never going to be truly happy now with my husband.
    Has anyone been here / here currently that can offer me any advice at all?
    I would be so so grateful x
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I would suggesting taking some time to think and work out what you really want. You don’t have to have a label for your sexuality right now, but it might be worth thinking about how you feel about your marriage? Are you happy and fulfilled now? Were you happy and fulfilled before the affair? What do you want your life to look like in 10 years? Do you still see yourself together? How about 20 years from now? How does that prospect feel?

    With regards to the affair, I think you should approach this situation with the understanding that whatever you have with her may not work out. So, if you do leave, make sure you’re doing it because it’s the right thing for you.

    It’s tough, so be kind to yourself. I was in a long term heterosexual relationship, with a child, when I realised that I was gay.
     
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  3. Emily999

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    Thankyou for your reply.
    I think because this is my first gay relationship, it’s really hard to imagine being with anyone else if this didn’t work out and we had both left our marriages.
    I love my husband but there is definitely an emotional connection missing which I found in her, followed by a sexual connection and now my whole being wants to be with her - but practically it’s a nightmare as we both have children and are financially not in positions to just up and leave our homes so all in all a nightmare.
    Well done for getting through it - I’ve found this to be the most emotionally traumatising thing I’ve ever been through
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, it’s not something that I’d wish on anyone. But, it is doable and you will get through it.

    Have you considered seeing (virtually for the moment) a therapist? For yourself that is, not couples therapy. I found mine very helpful. It could be a good way to process and work through what you’re feeling.

    My point wasn’t so much about being with anyone else, but more would you be happy with your decision to leave even if you were single? Would being able to identify as gay, and have the freedom to pursue that, be enough? I felt suffocated and trapped when I was with my ex, so being single is so much better.

    Why do you think you might be a lesbian rather than bisexual? Anything in particular?
     
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  5. Emily999

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    I guess that’s exactly what I need to work out so a therapist might be a good start.
    It’s easy of course staying, but something is massively missing and that something feels like her rather than an overwhelming desire to leave him.
    In saying that, whilst I’ve always been with men, I’ve had very intense friendships with a few women along the way where I felt I was developing feelings for them and would have reciprocated if they had made a move.
    I’ve felt very attracted to women over my 15 years of marriage yet never ever another man.
    Sexually, it’s okay with my husband, but I find I don’t have the desire towards him like I have done with her and the actual sex itself feels quite physical only rather than any sort of bonding experience and that’s always been okay - up until now
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    Hey I havent been in your position but I would say it is more common that you'd think. At any given moment staying with your husband is easier than leaving but the difficulty comes with trying to make that decision over and over again. Its a bit like saying its not the weight you are asked to carry but the length of time you are asked to carry it. That is not that I am saying you should leave. I think @LostInDaydreams suggestion of a therapist is a good one. EC can be a really helpful tool also. We will help you where we can.
     
  7. Nic2552

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    Does your husband think your bisexual? how long have you been questioning ? Do you guys have a open relationship ? If so what’s wrong with keeping things the way it is ? Sorry for the questions
     
    #7 Nic2552, May 25, 2020
    Last edited: May 25, 2020
  8. Emily999

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    Thankyou for the further replies.
    Well my husband actually thinks this is some sort of ( pretty early ) mid life crisis!
    He can’t get his head around this happening now at this stage in our marriage
    It’s not an open marriage per se but he would rather allow a relationship between me and a woman than lose our marriage - this isn’t the same for the other woman involved hence it having to come to an end.
    She was prepared to leave him if I left, but she’s financially in a far better position and her children are in their teens rather than 7 and 10 as mine are
     
  9. Fuzzy

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    Not being well off financially can be a scary prospect, but honestly, I think that having young kids makes divorce even more important. My kids are under 10 and as they get older, I don't want an unhealthy relationship to be their model of what marriage and relationships should look like. I want to be able to talk to them honestly in order to encourage healthy choices and I can't do that if I'm in a dishonest relationship and not making the right decision for me. I need to get to a place where I can live authentically so that I can teach my kids to do the same.
     
  10. Emily999

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    She’s gone no contact to see if she can save her marriage
    I feel devastated
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sorry, that must be really hard for you. I know it doesnt make you feel any better but I am sure she is struggling too. Perhaps having no contact with her will help you figure out what you want to for yourself for your future and to move forward.
    Sending you hugs.
     
  12. Emily999

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    Thankyou.
    I’m absolutely heartbroken.
    I feel like I can’t function at all.
    I’ve told my husband I am so worried that if I don’t end up with her that this may happen again further down the line with another woman if I am gay and haven’t realised it.
    He said I am being ridiculous and that it’s just a friendship that went too far and I need to draw a line under it all.
    I wish I felt like I could.
     
  13. Really

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    Hey. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Nobody knows how things will go in the future but your husband saying you’re being ridiculous is unfair and uncalled for. Your feelings are totally real and valid. He shouldn’t be belittling you when what you need is support.
    Has he tried to tell you how you’re feeling before? This would not be a good sign. You know how you feel and it’s not for anyone else to say. Stay strong and be good to yourself. You’ll figure it out. And we’re here for you.
     
  14. Nic2552

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    Would your husband allow you to explore your sexuality while your with him? You will have heart breaks while you figure out your sexuality.. your reliving life again but now figuring yourself out. She’s probably going through it herself. Was she your first female love too ?
     
  15. Emily999

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    Yes we were both each other’s first lesbian encounters.
    She is 10 years older.
    My husband was willing to let me explore my sexuality, the issue was then that we fell in love whilst doing that, her husband then had enough and she doesn’t feel she can leave him unless she is leaving for me.
    They’re not bitterly unhappy, more just trudging along in life so I can understand why it would be easier to stay as she too has children to consider.
    No generally my husband is extremely passive and laid back. I can only think that because it’s a woman and not a man, the threat to him doesn’t “ feel “ as great ( although I personally feel it’s greater ) so he’s putting it down to something of nothing and hoping it all goes away.
     
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  16. LostInDaydreams

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    Well, do not let your husband belittle your feelings and do not allow his attitude to influence you. You need to do what's right for you. He doesn't need to be seeing things the same way in order for you to take action, if that's what you want to do. My ex didn't even know I was planing in leaving. Due to the circumstances of our relationship, I left whilst he was out at work.

    I agree with @Fuzzy about finances. This held me back for so long. When I actually researched it, it was entirely possible. It might be hard or take a while, but it's not worth staying in an unhappy relationship for finances alone. It's also possible that any children involved will be much better off when not in the same environment as an unhappy relationship.

    I think you need to think about what YOU want. If you leave, there is no guarantee that she will too. If you both leave, there is no guarantee that it will last forever. If you think that you would be happier and more fulfilled in a relationship with a woman, then work towards that. Baby steps is all it takes.
     
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  17. Emily999

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    You’re so right and this is probably what has terrified me realising.
    It’s almost become not about her since we’ve had no contact, but the realisation of what I will lack in my marriage going forward now I know everything I got from those 6 months in a relationship with a woman.
    It’s made all the harder as my husband is literally perfect in lots of ways, I selfishly wish I had a excuse at times to leave.
    I’m going to seek some counselling 100% but I am so so grateful for the replies I’ve had on here, so Thankyou x
     
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  18. LostInDaydreams

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    You don't need an excuse. If your preference is for women, that's all you need.

    It is scary though , and I hope you can sort out some therapy. Keep posting here too! :slight_smile:
     
  19. Nic2552

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    Were you questioning your sexuality before her? You should do what makes you feel happy but have a therapist help you along the way become stronger to financially independent or you will always wonder what it feels like to be satisfied fully.
     
  20. silverhalo

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    I think it is actually a positive if you can see a bigger picture beyond her specifically that might involve a woman. It is better to leave a marriage because you are unhappy and have discovered that actually you prefer woman (if you decide thats that case), rather than leaving your marriage for her specifically. Leaving a relationship for 1 specific person puts an almighty pressure on that new relationship to be successful which can make it much harder. I'm not saying you shouldn't leave and be with her if that's what you want to do. More that you leave because with or without her that is what is right for your future and that she is an added bonus.
     
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