1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Married with children but think I’m a lesbian - any advice very welcome

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Emily999, May 24, 2020.

  1. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Do you think that maybe you were a large part of the reason she left her marriage and as a result she’s reluctant to let your relationship with her end? If you split, then her justification for leaving her marriage might disappear in an instant and that’s not a pleasant prospect.
     
  2. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I’ve suggested that constantly but she reiterates that she knew full well how I felt about my husband and therefore knew were never running off together and she left him because she couldn’t endure a physical relationship with him any longer, it was reducing her to tears with any intimacy between them.
    Saying that, of course I think her feelings for me came into play when ending her marriage and that’s a real burden for me to carry which I’ve really really struggled with
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That’s a little in contradiction with her putting any pressure on you to leave, but I do understand what she’s said about being physical with her husband.

    Yes, I can see why it would feel like a burden, but ultimately you’re not responsible for her decisions, and as with any relationship, there was no guarantee that it was going to last forever in any circumstances. It’s not your burden to carry.

    If you were unwell (which I hope you aren’t or won’t be), which one of them would you want to look after you?
     
  4. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Even a question like that I would answer “ both “
    I guess I’m used to him looking after me if I’m unwell, in a practical way or he would drop everything and take care of the kids and the home but if I’m feeeling unwell or vulnerable I do automatically want her and want to see her.
    I think emotionally my pull is to her but I’m not sure if I’m also in love with him or can’t see past our little family unit enough to see a life without him in it
     
    LaraB and Bastion like this.
  5. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Honestly I would give all the money away I had to wake up and not feel in love with one of them so then I could make a decision
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Contemplating leaving a relationship with children involved is always hard and it must be very confusing with another person involved. Do you have a therapist or have you considered therapy?
     
    Bastion likes this.
  7. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I’ve been having counselling with a sexuality therapist for the last few months.
    Whilst it’s been very helpful having someone to speak to who isn’t involved and it has helped me completely accept my sexuality and the fact that it’s come to light at this point in my life, it hasn’t helped with the situation I’m in.
    She is quite sure I’m bisexual not gay, she based this on the fact I’m able to have a physical relationship with my husband and therefore concluded I’m in love with both of them so either continue like this until one of them decides they’ve had enough or I need to choose one.
    Maybe she’s right?
     
  8. Stephanie8

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2020
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am in a similar situation, I am married with 3 kids, my husband is the breadwinner. I know i am gay, but I do love my husband. He is my best friend, but I am missing something. I have no advice for you sorry. But I feel very much where you are coming from and what you are feeling. I am starting therapy next week and hoping it helps.
     
  9. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I find myself in similar kind of situation as you @Emily999 and @Stephanie8. I can relate to all that has been said. Am trying to deal with that and figure things out. I know it’s a very difficult situation to find oneself in. Am not sure about the actual steps to take though. It’s very hard to leave an established situation for the unknown based on something one experienced recently. So I guess one has to think and examine things more closely before taking any action.
     
    Stephanie8 likes this.
  10. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That’s what I thought actually - either you make a decision or one (or both) of them will make it for you.

    You’re in a very difficult position. Do you want to reach a decision or do you want to wait until they do?
     
  11. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,031
    Likes Received:
    3,161
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It is still quite early days, seeing as for the moment they have both agreed to sharing you, perhaps taking the pressure off yourself to make a decision and just enjoying what you currently have (even if it doesn't last forever) might actually then bring you the clarity you are looking for. Of course there is a chance that it doesn't bring clarity but sometimes when I get into situations where I don't know how I am ever going to make a decision, taking the pressure off then allows me to see things that I was maybe overlooking to start with.
     
  12. LaraB

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This thread is hitting home for me, I was in a really similar position. I broke off the relationship with the woman so I could concentrate on re-establishing my relationship with my husband as just friends, which is important because I also love him as family and for the kids.

    Also so I can work out who I am and what I want and need. I didn’t think I could do that when I was pulled in two directions.
     
    sunflower8 and Bastion like this.
  13. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Are you happy with the decision you made Lara?
    Whenever one of us has tried to end it for what we think are the “ right reasons “ we end up feeling so awful without each other that we get back together and the cycle starts again
     
    Stephanie8 likes this.
  14. sunflower8

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2020
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    NC
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am in a similar situation but without the catalyst. Im in a hetero relationship with a man and we have two kids, under 4. I came out to him two months ago. Ive been seeing a therapist for over a year. He is extremely supportive of me. I still do not know what I want to do. It is such a hard decision with kids and I also do not want to hurt my husband even though he has repeatedly told me to think more about myself.

    Ive also wished that he would cheat on me or doing something to make leaving him easier but he is such a great guy, that would never happen.
    We have a perfect little family, except that I like girls and always have. :/

    Im terrified of making a decision.
     
    Stephanie8 likes this.
  15. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    How do you feel about him sunflower?
     
  16. sunflower8

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2020
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    NC
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I love him in my corner and being his partner as a parent but I have no sexual attraction to him and have less attraction to him in other ways too. I feel uncomfortable when he touches me. We've been married for 5 years and I've had my doubts since our honeymoon. :/
     
  17. Cymru

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2020
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Wales
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello. I am in a similar situation. I am married with 2 children. I fell in love with a woman after leading a heterosexual life. She doesn’t know though. I am now going through the process of coming to terms with it all. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.


     
    sunflower8 likes this.
  18. Emily999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2020
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Surrey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don’t know what to do anymore
    I feel like this is leading me into some sort of depression but I can’t get out
     
  19. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You’re in really difficult position, with a difficult decision to make, so it’s understandable that it’s having an impact on your mental health. Only you (or the other two people involved) can make this decision because you’re the one that will have to live with the consequences.

    Can you think of anything that might help you to reach a decision? Do you get much time to yourself to think things through? If not, could you get some time to yourself?

    If you’re concerned about your mental health, it would be a good idea to mention it to your therapist or possibly even your GP.
     
  20. LaraB

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sorry for the late reply. Yes I’m happy with the decision. We’re having couples therapy which is really helping. We’ve decided to live together and co-parent as we would miss each other and the kids and it feels pointless one of us sitting in another house somewhere. We’ve started telling people and will tell the kids soon. We’re talking about each of us having relationships with other people and how that would look and how we’d handle it. It’s not for everyone, but we’ve decided it’s for us. We’ve discussed if one of us wanted to move in with a partner n the future, we’d keep the family home and that person could keep the spare room to stay in when it’s their turn. Also to be honest and open with each other.

    It’s probably the most we’ve talked about us in years, and we’re in a good place now. It’s been very painful and we’ve been through anger / resentment / depression / blame / guilt etc. But we are talking about those feelings. Underlying it all is the love we have for each other and the kids, and we still enjoy spending time together as a family and actually have fun together.
    There is still a lot we need to work out, but we’re moving through it with mutual respect and love.
     
    sunflower8 likes this.