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Married with children but think I’m a lesbian - any advice very welcome

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Emily999, May 24, 2020.

  1. Emily999

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    I sometimes found I would have very intense thoughts ( sexual and emotional ) about close friends - friendships that felt too connected to just be friends - but this was the first time anything came of it because last November, completely out of the blue, she told me she was in love with me.


    did
     
  2. Emily999

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    I understand that completely but until then I would never have dreamed of leaving my husband - he’s perfect for me in lots of ways.
    So now it’s trying to unpick whether I’m gay or whether I just happened to fall madly in love with a woman but as that’s not going to work out, whether I’ll be fulfilled in my marriage x
     
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  3. Emily999

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    I understand that completely but until then I would never have dreamed of leaving my husband - he’s perfect for me in lots of ways.
    So now it’s trying to unpick whether I’m gay or whether I just happened to fall madly in love with a woman but If that can’t work between us then I’ll be able to stay happily married ( minus the massive hole she’s left in my heart ) to my husband.


     
  4. silverhalo

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    Oh yes, it is such a difficult decision, and not one that you can make an instant call on.
     
  5. Emily999

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    I saw her today as we work together
    I’m sure we are meant to be together
    It’s awful - I could see the tears in her eyes
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Oh wow you work together too that is super difficult. You totally have my sympathies.
     
  7. Emily999

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    It really is
    I just don’t know what to do, I feel completely lost.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    What would you most like to do, ignoring the difficulties that might stand in the way.
     
  9. Emily999

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    I think, be with her, properly, in a partnership.
     
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  10. Emily999

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    I’m starting to really worry I’m in love with both my husband and her
    What a complete mess
    Has anyone been through the same?
     
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  11. Snowqueen

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    Hi Emily, just to let you know you are not alone, things will be clearer over time, do you know feel down what you truly want?
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Apart from practical difficulties. Do you think there would be anything holding you back from being with her?
     
  13. Emily999

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    Without the practical difficulties, I think we could be very happy together.
    It’s just horrendous feeling like I do still massively love my husband, the house and the kids are so settled etc - I actually wish I was more unhappy with him so I could break up the family more easily, which just sounds awful
     
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  14. LostInDaydreams

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    I don’t think that sounds silly at all. I seen similar things expressed on EC before.

    When I first starting questioning, I was felt so guilty about the prospect of leaving my ex and uprooting my daughter in the process. Eventually (with the help of some EC members and my therapist), I came to realise that he was emotionally abusive, and whilst that wasn’t pleasant, it did make it easier to make the decision to leave him.
     
    #34 LostInDaydreams, May 31, 2020
    Last edited: May 31, 2020
  15. silverhalo

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    I dont think it sounds awful at all, I think it sounds totally natural. You are a nice person and therefore you dont want to break up what you have. Even if you might have come to realise what you have isnt really what you want.
    You can love someone and not be in love with them. Have you done any reading in the later in life section, I am sure if you did you would find lots of stories similar to yours.
     
  16. Emily999

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    I haven’t managed to find many similar posts to mine but I shall look again - Thankyou!
     
  17. silverhalo

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    No worries there are a lot of stories to go through. Sure they are not all like yours, some have similarities and others dont. I have a friend who was married and fell in love with her best friend. The best friend was also gay but didnt return the feelings. I dont think its ever easy. Have you seen her much around work this week?
     
  18. Emily999

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    So we have stayed together with her agreeing no pressure at this time
    I really do feel like I’m in love with them both and I don’t want to be
    I would love to wake up and not be in love with one of them so I could make a decision but it just doesn’t feel like that for me
     
  19. LostInDaydreams

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    How does your husband feel about it? For him, is an open marriage an option?

    I understand that this a really difficult position to be in and that there’s no easy solution, but from what you’ve posted, it appears that your girlfriend isn’t completely happy and is possibly feeling hurt. I know this is really hard for you, but it seems that it’s really hard for her too. Perhaps have a think about what kind of relationship you’re willing and able to have with her and then have an honest conversation about it. It might help to think of different scenarios and about what you want your future to look like. I don’t think you need to reach a decision immediately, but I think the longer it goes on, the greater the chance of it ending badly and possibly the more hurt your girlfriend will be.
     
  20. Emily999

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    I agree.
    We did have a frank conversation over the weekend where I almost said I had to let her go for her own sanity as it feels quite self destructive.
    She’s adamant that hurt is far worse than the hurt she feels of sharing me
    So we are trying, but the guilt is very very hard for me to cope with, towards them both really as my husband wouldn’t choose this either.