I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Yours is too, dear! But anyway... she's also a nurse (aka unflappable angel). But since this is a hetero date I really think it's not EC material. But thanks all! I know how we all yearn for some, er, happy endings. Call it a beginning. Pride to all!

 

EC is for all, and whilst here gay and lesbian probably dominate I'm sure I talk for everyone when I say I just want people to be happy and if a heterosexual relationship is making you happy then that's perfect for me .

 

Good luck with the move Rjay. Smooth sailing as they say or might not say.

 

Hey I think it's good that you are aware of your habits so you can try and keep them in check as best you can. I know it's hard to believe people like you, I've been there and sometimes I'm still there but keep telling yourself that and it will get better. You are doing great, now get packing.

 

Reading your updates is so entertaining. Not to minimize your situation and developments. Glad V took it all well and now you are out, rational and sane and have a strong grip on situation. Staying true and relaxed is not easy when you are so much into her!

There was some silly online article claiming that having someone to help you/ do things for you will make helper feel more in love with you ( some subconscious level thing). Lol I strongly doubt V is aware of this article.

 

Yes, good luck with the move, Rjay! From reading all of your updates, it sounds as if you are doing great. You are such a good friend to V, even when it's often been difficult for you. That matters in today's world - a place where maybe all of us should start from. I really admire your courage and wish you all the best.

 

Hi Rjay,

I just read through this whole thread and it was quite an entertaining read. You're a wonderful storyteller.

I'm sorry that V is apparently straight. I've been in similar situations (although maybe to lesser extent) and I know how hard It must be for you. And while there may be a chance that V is still figuring out her feelings and might not be 100% straight. If she was potentially just starting to realize an attracted to women, it may take her months or years to figure that out for herself and come out. You don't want to wait around that long for something that may never be. My advice to you is to give up that hope and focus on just being friends with her(as it seems you two have a wonderful friendship). As long as you hold on to the slimmer of hope that she isn't straight, you won't be able to move on.

Do you have any gay/queer friends? I know you said you've just started to come out recently and having people to talk to with similar experiences can be very beneficial.

 

RJay, just quick question. I know you told V you were gay, but did you ever tell her you were attracted to HER? (As I remember you just assumed she knew but hadn't said anything.)

Side note: Congrats on your new place! A glass of wine of seven is in order to celebrate your new beginning! (And is the apartment closer to V's house? )

 

Clémence Poésy?

 

She has to know that she's being auditioned for the position of First Girlfriend. She's probably as blown away as you are... and we should give her some space to decide how she is going to react. RJay, you're going to have to use all of your (considerable) tact.

 

Like someone said earlier - you've got some writing skills. Very interesting to read your text in front of reasoning.

And the reasoning is good too. Why overthink and spoil something so positive as this experience?

She is having plans with you for August and the book - so nice of her. I've only done such things for a few I really cared about. Really sweet and thoughtful.

As for the shower, I admit, some friends say stuff like this too. My friend does that but I always think 'why would I want to know??'. But, she knows your orientation, so there may be something there. As long as she shows sincere care about you, maybe OK. I do remember saying things like this to guys when dating.

As for maturity and life experience and pacing it while enjoying it while expecting variety of possible outcomes - why not?!

Not everything in life is supposed to be chewed up and spit out. Some things are like joly ranchers/mints you'd want to indulge in slowly.

 

And by the way, enjoy your new place!

 

Yay for the successful move, congratulations.
I think it's good to just enjoy what you have, it seems you have your feet well planted on the floor, well as much as anyone can when they like someone that much.

 

RJay wishing you lots of happiness in your new place.

 

Hmmm...a weekend away in the plans!!!?????

The reason I asked about whether you actually told her is that believe it or not YES, there is a chance she is not aware you are attracted to her. I know you are saying right now,, 'but how could she not?'

But I KNOW that the 'not getting' the attraction thing CAN happen...because I was the one who didn't get it in what would become my first female relationship. I'll tell you a bit of my story about WHY I didn't get her attraction. (even as my own was growing, but also so new to me, I mean she was a girl!). I'll attempt to be brief and not make this the Moonsparkle show, but ALERT---BRIEF isn't my strong suit.

At the time I met this woman -my catalyst who I'll call C-- she was going thru a divorce, I had been divorced a couple years. Like you and V we really bonded over these divorces, stories of our exes, etc. She was involved with a guy at the time. I was involved with a married guy ( ugh... just another blot on my history!). We became fast friends. Meanwhile I had an attraction to her from the start, secretly of course...exhilarating, confusing and everything in between. Like with you and V, we connected immediately.

Anyway, this initial just 'best friendship' goes on for a year; its a period when we are developing an emotional connection I had never had with anyone. I share with her things I never shared with anyone. Anyway, here come some of those signals I am blind to. Or not even so much that I was blind to--- but that I quite simply could not wrap my head around as a real possibility of being true signals and not just things I was wishfully 'making up/making too much of.'

-There's an undercurrent of flirtation, lots of touching, her being very protective of me, always opening doors for me etc.
-Long tight hugs that morph into the hugs with a kiss on the cheek. Eye contact that lasts a beat too long for 'pals'.
-Giving me meaningful gifts. One was a necklace, with a sweet 'more than best friend' saying on it. And books..yes books
-Stopping by my office just to drop off a coffee, having lunch with me at work everyday.
-Constant random text communication between us, using pet names like angel when talk to me.
- Joking about being my girlfriend, being a lesbian couple with cashiers etc.
-Wanting me to share in her children's lives.
-Saying, 'seeing you is always the most exciting thing in my day.' Good morning/good night texts.

All the while I'm explaining all of this away to myself as, 'well maybe I've never had a real best friendship before maybe this is how it's supposed to be.'

But here's the BIG REASON I didn't get it.

My self-esteem, my thought patterns about myself, the negative filter I viewed myself through prevented me from even thinking that this beautiful, intelligent, funny, exciting girl could EVER be attracted to me. All through life it's been my pattern...someone's attracted to me and I am almost shocked. It always went against my core beliefs about myself. I was brought up in a dysfunction, (even if it looked good from the outside,) where I was shown I wasn't a worthy person, that my wants and needs didn't matter, that I shouldn't have them and should never express my feelings. I was also shown that expressing your feelings could lead to being hurt and that that hurt=bad, taught that it's better to just keep quiet and never ever to trust.

I was a real self esteem wreck, even if others interpreted me not to be so, I played the role of having it all together pretty well. Now, experience, being vulnerable/real with C, hard work in therapy, has helped to break through that negative-self filter. And view myself in a more objectively. But then I couldn't so I always justified all these signals she was giving me as 'something else', and pined away for her secretly, not wanting to mention the attraction for fear of losing her or WORSE to have her laugh at me!

So, how this connects to your situation is I know that you (and perhaps the whole world) views V as beautiful, smart, 'worthy' and wonderful etc. etc. But how does she view herself? Maybe she's the most confident woman in the world and IS aware to her you are into her. But, my story just illustrates that depending where she is at internally, and how she feels about herself, she may not! (Even though you told her you were gay. That's the other twist with me/C, right from the start I knew she was bisexual,had been with women in past---NOPE still didn't get it!!!)

So, I needed C to literally bash me over the head with the fact that she WAS attracted to me. One day we were going to dinner, on the ride over I notice she seems nervous, quiet. The second we sit down she nervously blurts out, 'Moonsparkle, I am very attracted to you. Ummmm...are you attracted to me?' I swear I think I looked behind me to see if she was talking to someone else...haha. I told her yes. She sighs with a sense of relief and says, 'I've been attracted to you since the moment we met.' WHAT!!?? But of course DUH!

So that is when we move our relationship from best friends to relationship!

There is that chance that V doesn't know. Or, maybe she knows and is going through her own process. Or maybe she knows but she's straight as an arrow. No matter where this goes you seem to have a really good, realistic attitude about things. You're enjoying the ambiguity, I say go with it for now! It truly sounds as if you two are having FUN, this is a woman who clearly has your back, and you hers. At some point you may want to bash her over the head with your attraction, but enjoy all of this now! Nothing more may develop BUT, just peering into a POSSIBLE future, IF it does, you will never regret this period of building this emotional connection. I was really happy me and C had that year of friendship first to build that connection--of course I was really glad when we finally had sex too

Happy 4th weekend, maybe you have some Fireworks plans with V and all the kids!

 

Hey Moonsparkle, thanks for sharing your story. I know it is Rjays thread but I think other people's stories are invaluable to everyone wherever they are on their journey.
I also agree whilst it's totally possible she isn't interested I wouldn't be sure V has worked out your attraction to her. Remember there could also be a just because she is gay doesn't mean she is into me thought process going on in her head.
The mind is a crazy thing, it can imagine things that aren't there and hide things that aren't there and the point Moonsparkle makes about her self esteem is such a great one.
None of this means this is for sure what is happening but sometimes we can get fixated on what we thing is happening and it is always helpful to see outsiders point some of view.