I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Just found this thread this morning and just finished it, and I have a few things to say.

First, wow. You and Martin have been through so much this past year. I can't believe the stuff that you two have gone through and had to experience, both together and apart.

I've been in some dark places in the span of my short life, and I can sympathize with you. But stay positive. Keep looking forward. I will be following closely, and will help if I can.

Lycka till min vän!

Cyrus

 

You are welcome..

I think just take care of yourself and stay safe. Try not to feel guilty about how you are feeling, just be open to him caring for you and hopefully helping to nurse you back to health. This might be something that will ultimately bring you two closer and make you stronger as a couple. If you can get through this, then I think you will both be fine.. Just know we are all here for you ~hugs~

 

Yes, I think so. My knowledge of terminology is not very current.

It seems to me that the medication isn't working so well for you. I'm not a psychologist, and of course we only know what you write here but you seem to be in a really bad place right now, and it sounds like you yourself don't feel as if the therapy you're getting is helping.

I'll admit that I tend to be skeptical of medicinal therapy except when absolutely necessary, so what I say should be taken with a grain of salt, but I think it's important to learn how to deal with the depression in addition to any medication. I don't know how things are in Sweden, but I know that some doctors tend to use medication instead of other types of therapy, and it sounds like you are feeling this as well.

I can only tell you what worked for me. One thing that always makes things worse for me is spending too much time alone in my house, like when I've been unemployed, or during school vacations. There's just something about spending too much time with just me, myself, and I, espeically if I hide in my "cave", that throws me into a spiral. There are just too many thoughts going on if I can't distract myself. You know these thoughts. There's the ones that start with "I don't deserve ..." or "I'm such a ... (negative concept)". So even if it seems really difficult, and you feel tired, it might help to make yourself do one thing a day, whether that's writing a story, going to the store, going on a walk (my favourite), or visiting someone. Don't beat yourself up if you don't manage it, just try again the next day. Since you live in a place that gets less sunlight in the fall and winter it might help to spend some time outdoors when the sun is shining.

Antoher thing that has helped is learning to express anger. Much of my depression was anger redirected towards myself, and since I've learned to express it externally the negative thoughts have died down a lot. Especially learning to express anger towards loved ones has helped -- knowing that's it's possible to disagree or get angry without losing someone, that when someone does something hurtful it's okay to say so.

I'm going to go against the grain here, but the biggest thing that has helped me was knowing that I am not dependent on any one person for my well-being other than myself. I'm not saying you can't lean on someone, let them take care of you, or ask for help, but it's important to know that you can make it even if someone else can't help you, because you can't control what other people do. Sometimes people get sick, go on a trip, have their own troubles, have a death in the family and so on, so they're not always going to be able to be there. And yes, sometimes relationships end no matter what we do or how much we try.

Just for yourself, I think it's important to know that you are more than your relationship with Martin, or with your parents, or with your friends. These people may be important in your life, but they do not define you. You are an individual, with your own strengths, interests, and needs, and you will continue even when your relationships change. In the end, the person you will spend all of our time with is yourself, so it's important to like that person, and know that he deserves your love just as much as your loved ones do.

 

Eddie,

Hey How've you been? Life hasn't been all that great for me lately, but still very busy. I've checked in on the site from time to time, but haven't really been around much for the last couple months. I've read through some of your posts lately and I see you've really been struggling with your emotions lately.

So in an attempt to help you out. I'm going to try something different for this post. As someone who's faced severe depression myself for many years, I think one of the best ways to fight it is to understand the mechanisms in our mind that cause us to think the way we do. By studying the dysfunction of clinical depression, I think it can help us to find ways to work through it and heal ourselves.

So I want you to think of this post as kind of a salad bar. Pick and choose what you want, put it on your plate and leave the rest. For the rest of the post don't take anything I say to heart or as some kind of gospel or some ultimate truth...just reflect on it and if this brainstorming session helps you out a little bit...great.

To get the ball rolling, I'll start out with shock and awe.
Three things:
1) I'm going to tell you the secret of life.
2) I think you should break up with Martin. (You heard me, I said it, yes)
3) Consider Humbleness and Vanity (What the hell does that mean anyways? )

Ok well first of all. I am going to tell you the secret of life. All of the most successful people in the history of the world have intrinsically known this secret. Though you won't find it in any book on physics, I believe it's the essence of reality.

The secret of life is this: Using the power of your mind, you can have ANYTHING you want out of life. You need only desire it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like a genie popping out of a bottle and giving you three wishes. And its not just positive visualization either, negative visualization affects this as well. But either way, the power of the human mind is not to be underestimated. Its been discussed often through philosophy and religion and I've found it to be very true. We really do ultimately create our own heaven or hell in this life.

Now, the problem with that for people like you and me, who suffer from chemical imbalances and clinical depression is that often the poles can get reversed and we end up negatively visualizing and creating a living hell for ourselves when we don't really deserve it. We just get unsure of ourselves for a moment and focus on the wrong idea.

We have to get a handle on sadness, insecurity, fear, anger, guilt and all of those negative emotions because emotions tend to work like gravity. The larger a planetary body is in space, the more gravitational force it possesses and same can be true for our positive and negative emotions. The more negative we feel, the more we pull in EVEN MORE negativity. And likewise for positive energy. So we need to work to keep our focus positive.

(Which granted is often easier said than done when one is almost drunk with despair. In my own experience, it really feels to me like sometimes that the root problem of the dysfunction of depression is that we get our signals crossed and our brain becomes trained to enjoy feeling depressed. Its almost like we get used to torturing ourselves, so if we stop, we missed it, we feel anxiety because the stimulus we've become accustomed to isn't there (like having a fan/tv on when you sleep). We just don't feel right if we aren't sad because we're so used to feeling that way.

But to summarize my thought on the secret of life. It really is almost an unwritten truth of life. From the ten year old who want his first bicycle to the self-made entrepreneur who has made his first million dollars, if you visualize something in your head and desire enough, you will consciously and subconsciously make it happen...make it come to you. Sometimes it can seem almost like magic the way circumstances can click into place to make it happen when its not magic at all..its very easy to quantify..the power of the human mind is not to be underestimated.

Number Two:
Breaking up with Martin

Do I really think you should break up with Martin? HELL NO. But...
It does seem to me like there are a few things to consider that correlate with your emotional problems and your relationship with Martin. I think if you just think about some of these things and deal with them, your happiness and your relationship with Martin will improve.

I know you say, you can't live without Martin and he's been your rock basically. But I feel like the more happy and more in love with Martin you become, the worse it makes your depression feel. It almost acts like a lens that magnifies or fuels your depression almost to the point where if Martin got down on his knees and proposed to you and committed to spend the rest of his life with you...in the first moment you'd be extremely happy and then after you had a number of days to stew on it...you'd reach the point where you'd feel like slicing open your wrists and running into a burning building (figuratively speaking).

To spell that out...
I think in a way, you're happy and in love with Martin...yet the clinical depression won't allow for that because in part at least, it doesn't feel right to be happy, so instead that happiness and love is fueling your insecurities, fear and anxiety. And again, maybe this doesn't make any sense, maybe it just seems like I'm babbling here, but if it DOES make sense, often you can cure this somewhat just by recognizing this pattern, and telling yourself that you're going to work to not let this happen anymore.

On another tangent, I feel like as much as you're feeling guilt for what you're putting Martin though, I think there's small part of you that wants to make him jump through these hoops for you, give you this extra attention, and essentially try to nudge (force) him to constantly prove his love for you. I think a part of you truly doesn't believe that Martin really loves you. I think part of you believes that you're not worth loving (even though thats not true at all). And as I was discussing earlier, through this constant negative visualization, it seems like a part of you wants Martin to throw in the towel and give up on you and leave you because then it will confirm what you hold true in your mind that he really didn't love you anyway and you're more trouble than you're worth.

And THAT is one NASTY mechanism of clinical depression. Its like what I talked about before when a depressed person creates this false vision of reality in the mind and they hold it to be true when in fact, we know, deep down, it's not right...but our fears, doubts, insecurity...tricks us into believing it. Again, sometimes just recognizing that and saying NO...I'm not going to feel that way anymore. I'm going to change my focus to something more positive. That can be enough to collapse that mechanism.

(I imagine a lot of people go through several boyfriends before they pickup on this pattern and realize what they are doing to themselves and are able to lift themselves up out of this funk so they can give themselves permission to be happy with another person - and then some people ...still struggle with this.)

And thats where we come to Humbleness and Vanity.
The second definition of vanity is "the quality of being worthless or futile". Recognizing that the depression we feel is a form of vanity. We make it all about us, we become self-absorbed in our own sadness. We love to hate ourselves. LoL ..its like Dark Vanity

How do we combat vanity? By being humble. "having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance" Now being humble can sometimes be hard for us up against another person, but when it's necessary to be humble up against our own ego, which is fighting to undermine us with "Dark Vanity"...that can be very tricky.

Tricky but not impossible. You have tools to help you like TRUTH, HUMILITY and BRAVERY. And no, Sir-Lance-A-Lot, I'm not trying to be corny or trite here, just cause being a noble knight is old fashioned doesn't make it outdated or unhelpful.

1)Thinking things through and seeing the TRUTH of a situation, seeing things for what they really are, not just your own perspective.
(We readers of your thread, can see how deeply Martin cares for you. In feeling, words and his actions. He loves you and you don't have to doubt that or doubt that you deserve it. Trust that you're worthy and you will be.)

2) Using HUMILITY to focus your energy on someone/something other than yourself, and in deed putting another's interests or needs before your own can have a very positive effect on your self-esteem when you see the result.
(Simply returning Martin's love with your own. When you're having a really shitty day, focus on doing something nice for Martin, or a friend, or your family. It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. Just doing something nice for somebody and seeing their reaction and knowing that you did that, you made them feel that way can have a very profound effect on your own well being. We are social animals afterall and we naturally want to help and serve one another - hence why I'm writing to you and why these forums exist at all. I guarantee just one nice thing a day, one simple gesture, will help you more than any pill ever will)

3) BRAVERY "ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage".
For you, this might mean standing up against being frozen in apathy and despair (i.e. lying in bed all day feeling depressed) (The knight never slew the dragon by lying in bed all day thinking God Damn! that's a scary dragon. No...he got his sword, put his cute little ass in that suit of armor and rode out to make dragon burgers.) (I know you feel guilty about what you're putting Martin through, but feeling guilty only makes you feel worse and doesn't do a thing to help Martin. So don't bother feeling guilty, if you feel bad about it, then quit putting Martin through all that and take positive steps instead of negative ones. And I do mean steps, not leaps or bounds, every painting is created a brush stroke at a time, every house is built brick by brick. So every time you feel guilt, or anything negative...lay another brick.)

Again, I'm just kinda trying to think out loud here in hopes some of this wasn't too cliche or over-simplified and is actually helpful, but then a lot of time accomplishing something is all about getting back to basics. Like breathing, essential to life, if no can breath, no can live. (any Karate Kid fans out there? Wax on Wax Off ha ha )

ROCK ON
Scanner

P.S. If you looking to gain weight..here in the United States...we like Chocolate Malt, Cheeseburger and Onion Rings. The ultimate comfort food in meal form.

 

There's a lot of truth in what Scanner has written. I hope you don't just focus on the negative parts of what he's saying, he wrote it in a provocative manner because sometimes it's necessary to shake people up a bit when they're falling down a spiral. It's so easy to fall back on the voices that say "I'm such a loser", "I'm not worthy", "I can't do it", "It's not worth it", but those are the voices you need to fight against.

I agree somewhat with Scanner's assessment of your relationship with Martin and its connection to your depression, except that I think the problem is not so much that you love him, but that he loves you, and some part of you refuses to believe that you deserve it -- in fact actively tries to sabotage it. It seems to me that you were actually doing better when you two were fighting, because at that point you were able to tap into that part of you that has the energy to fight back, you were concentrating on something outside of yourself.

You don't need to feel guilty about Martin at all. You're not putting him through anything he's not willing to go through. He is in control of his own actions., and if he didn't want to be with you he would have left long ago. The fact is, he's jumped through a lot of hoops to be with you, and that's not because he is such a great or wonderful person. It's because he thinks you are.

Most people don't mind helping someone else. It gives them a good feeling to do so (which, as Scanner so rightly noted, is why you get replies from people here on EC), and I'm sure Martin gets satisfaction from helping you. If my husband was feeling the way you do I'd be calling him 3 times a day as well, not because I thought he was some kind of loser, but because I care about what happens to him.

If you want to repay Martin for his trouble, do as Scanner suggests and think up something nice you can do for him when he comes home, no matter how small. It will help distract you from the negative thoughts. In addition, I'd concentrate on what your therapist has already suggested, and try to develop a routine. She's absolutely right to push you into this. Start off small if you have to, and write it down. Maybe even ask Martin and your parents to call you and remind you. Take a short walk once a day, and slowly increase the length, or wake up with Martin in the morning and have breakfast together before he goes to work, maybe even walk with him part of the way if he doesn't drive to work. Even if you feel too tired, do it anyway. You have plenty of time, and you can always take a nap later.

 

It's amazing how you can recognise that you're in this spiral of self-hate, know intellectually that what your mind is telling you isn't true -- then a few sentences later you're putting yourself down again. It's like an addiction, isn't it? You even think up reasons why you should feel shitty about yourself, like an addict finds reasons to continue his addiction, like this thought right here:

I can tell you one thing: you are not worthless. Nobody is worthless. So that's something that's not true, right there. It's a good thing to be modest, but it's possible to take it too far. Since it seems to me that vanity is not one of your faults I doubt you'll be wrong in telling yourself anything positive at this point.

I don't think there's any one way of breaking out of the spiral you're in, but if you've been through this before, you've been able to do it in the past, and you're probably stronger than you think. You could even read through this thread -- you're not always like this, and you'll get out of it again. I've had a lot of practise at breaking out of my own spirals (I've been dealing with it for over 30 years) and I've used different ways to break out. If it helps you to visualise your depression as a dragon to be fought, then go for it. Strike down those negative thoughts when they crop up. I was abused as a child, so I often use my anger at my abuser, because I don't want to let him "win". Whatever works for you.

I often made some kind of change like getting a new job, going back to college, moving to a new country. It gives me something to work towards, a framework in which I can make a plan, and I feel better when I feel that I'm doing something proactive. These days my goals are smaller, but so is my depression.

While I do think it's important to be able to stand on your own, it's also okay to enlist the help of others. I haven't gone too far down the spiral for a while now, and I can freely admit that my family plays a big role in that. My husband knows how I tick, and has been pretty good at making sure I'm never idle for too long -- I didn't even take full maternity leave because we knew what would happen if I did. He makes sure I don't isolate myself, and nags me to contact friends and family and go to parties. He'll push me even though I get annoyed at him. So if you have a pushy family member with a thick skin they might be able to help you.

 

I'm glad things are progressing for you. You seem much more positive now, and able to take pleasure in little things again. Like Martin holding your hand in the middle of Stockholm.

Well, he's right. You are brave. It takes a lot of courage to face down the monster inside your head. It's actually a good thing to have a partner that doesn't suffer from the same illness, as long as they make an effort to understand it. Two mentally ill people together aren't necessarily a good combination.

You actually made it through an entire post without saying something negative about yourself.

You know...mental illness is still not fully understood. I suspect that what happened to me is not the only cause of my problems, although it may have made them worse. The fact is that mental illness runs in my family, so the chances of people being toxic and doing crappy things to each other is higher than in families where said illness is not present. I use those experiences as a catalyst sometimes, because I've had times when I had to break out of the cycle by myself, but if your family is supportive I'm sure that's much healthier.

Depression is strictly speaking not my primary diagnosis, it's probably a symptom of a more general personality disorder. My last therapist chose to leave it undiagnosed, either because he didn't think it would help me or because it was too ambiguous or maybe both, I'm not sure which. It was quite a few years back. I do know that I often feel negative emotion much stronger than positive emotion, and I used to let myself wallow in it because in a twisted way I kind of enjoy doing so.

My depressive episodes have always been largely independent of any relationships or lack thereof, the biggest factor is that I retreat from the world for (insert some reason here), and that starts the cycle. The insidious thing about it is that I want to do it. I'll think, I have so much stress, I need some rest, I really want some peace and quiet, but if I give in to that impulse I get sucked in. I finally figured out that this is my biggest trigger. Your triggers might be different, although it sounds like you have a similar problem with isolation.

Somehow I manage to function after all these years, and although I sometimes get random negative thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere they don't run my life anymore, and I've actually managed to have a pretty good life in spite of everything.

 

Wow, a lot to take in throughout this thread. I'm happy that You and Martin ended up together and being such great supports for each other. I understand your struggles with isolation and depression, and the need to have and maintain an attachment to someone, as well. It's no easy road. Hang in there, buddy.

 

Blueskies: I've read this entire thread, from it's humble beginnings to it's current 1 year anniversary stage. You and Martin are brilliant, for someone to stay with you through all the hard times that means they are truly in love with you. You and Martin are great for each other and this story is brilliant. I smiled and even wept when times were hard for you and Martin. I rooted for both of you through this whole story, I even related to some of the situations in this thread. I'm actually incredibly happy for you and it's the very first time I've actually honestly let myself go like that.

I know how hard it is to be depressed, but for you to fight it like you have been doing. I think that you are a very mentally strong person. Oh my god, this story is making me so happy I'm actually crying. Man, you and Martin are perfect,

This is true love.

 

Just logged on again for the first time on a long time and re read this... How is it going blue skies?? Hope you are okay!

 

So, I have read through most of this thread and let me tell ya! I couldn't stop reading. I feel like I read a book or watched a movie. I was so much into the feelings and emotions as they were happening to you. I laughed, I cried. I fell in love when you all fell in love. This totally inspired me. Many people in life never find a soul mate like this. (*hug*)I wish you both much happiness and lots of joy in your lives.

 

Blueskies,

I hope you find the healing that you need, I also hope that you find the healing that Martin is offering you. Depression is a monster that needs to be defeated, but not without help. Regain your strength, and hang on to hope; the days have started getting longer again, the sun will shine more and more, and your love will grow even stronger for being through this trial.

 

Hey blueskies,

I don't think I've ever gotten into a story more than I have with yours; I just wanted to let you know that. I have no experience with depression, and I don't personally know anybody that has struggled with it as severely as you have, but I just wanted to remind you that you have so much to live for. You have a family, and friends, and a boyfriend and the entire EC community that are so willingly and graciously rooting for you, loving you and standing up for you. The love story between you and Martin is amazing and beautiful and true and so perfectly imperfect, and it's progressed to the point where he's done everything in his power to love you and give you a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on, and you can't give up on that love, you can't deny that he cares deeply about you.

This is just another test, and I know you'll be able to work through it with the help you need. Take your time getting better and make sure everybody knows just how much you mean to them, especially the guy who's been with you through thick and thin - but know just how important you are to them as well. You are an amazing person, and your story is emotional and heartfelt and inspiring, and I feel like you just needed to know that.

I'm proud of you for fighting, and good luck! (*hug*)(&&&)

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. No reason to beat yourself up, just try to accept all the help you're offered. I know it's hard to believe, but you really do have a lot to live for, with family and friends who appear to care about you very much.

I wouldn't say I'm any worse off than you, your depression sounds much more severe. I've never felt distrusted by my therapists, actually, and my therapist was reluctant to give me a specific diagnosis. It affects me more than the people around me, they just get sucked into it sometimes like with any illness. It's just that I seek out and emphasise the negative sometimes, just to feel something. I actually tend to keep it inside for the most part, so I often isolate myself. It got a lot better in my late twenties, and hardly affects me at all now.

It's a spiral, it doesn't matter which one starts it, because they reinforce each other. It's usually easier to stop the isolation first, though, because other people can help.

 

Your story is so inspiring. Haven't read the entire thread, but I think despite your depression, I think you have a very beautiful perspective on life, especially at the beginning where you told us about telling Martin that labels don't mean anything because love is love, and its real regardless of what anyone or society calls it. I think that's so true romantic because I think these idealistic sentiments too (and our usernames also sort of are similar in that way). Best of luck, stay strong keep fighting and know that so many people like me are moved by your story and wish you the best!