I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Rumpletubb:

Yeah, Scanner’s awesome! I hate saying that because that makes it sound like I don’t appreciate everyone’s comments but I do, I really do.

I try to get some kind of exercise every day, even if it’s not running per se. I took a two-hour walk yesterday and did some swimming so while I didn’t run, I got some exercise anyway!

Thanks you!

Mav96213:

Thank you! Fighting this is much harder than it sounds but I’ll keep trying. The worst thing about this is that fighting it takes forever; it seriously takes months before you start to feel any difference.

Yeah, Martin’s changed a lot especially since I got depressed. I think that maybe since the focus isn’t on him anymore, he feels less pressured and dares to take small steps forwards. He held my hand while walking to the beach today which is something he’s never done before.

And now to something very embarrassing. My parents went grocery shopping and both me and Martin thought my brother went with them…so me and Martin decided to *ahem*, make the most of the chance that presented itself since it was the first time in weeks we’d been alone. Well…it turned out my brother didn’t go to the store with them. Long story short, my brother walked in on us :/ We totally wouldn’t have been having sex if we knew he was home. We did it in the basement too just so that nobody would be walking in on us (no one’s ever down there…ever). Anyways, he’s totally avoiding both me and Martin now. It’s so awkward I think I’m actually going to die! What should I do, if anything? Should I do something, like should I talk to him or do you think I should let him be? I sort of want to apologize or something since I can imagine walking in on us must have been pretty traumatizing for him :/ not that it wasn’t horrible for me but I imagine it must have been way worse for him.

Also, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but my parents booked a cruise to Finland and Martin’s coming with us! We’ll leave on Tuesday and come back home on Thursday. Martin’s going home on Friday to stay with his parents for a while and Maria (I don’t know if you remember her because I haven’t mentioned her in forever) is coming here on Saturday and she’ll stay for a few days, which should be fun.

Take care guys!

 

SomeNights:

Yeah, things have been really great between us lately, we haven't fought or anything. I must say, he's pretty amazing because it's not like I've been at my best these past few weeks.

We haven't really talked about it but my brother seems to be trying to avoid us still. Joking about it would work but I don't think I could do it lol. I think I'm just going to give him space and hope this will blow over eventually. Maybe at a later date I will apologize. It's still dead awkward though. And I'm definitely going to be more careful in the future so that this won't happen again.

It really does right? I'm so excited about going away with him (even if my family's tagging along with us). Hm, it depends on where my brother(s) decide to sleep, since both of them are coming with us. My mom's booked two cabins and each cabin holds four beds. I can't imagine the brother who walked in on us wanting to share a room with us but I'm unsure about the other one.


stumble along:

Lol I wish it was a 3 too, but it definitely was more of a 9, if not even a 10! :icon_redf I don't know how much he saw exactly but we weren't exactly covering ourselves up or anything so chances are that he saw pretty...eh, graphic stuff :eusa_doh:

Haha I can imagine it being funny if you weren't directly involved yourself!

The door doesn't have a lock unfortunately :/ Otherwise I would definitely have locked it! I hope he'll learn to knock in the future if he sees a closed door. I always knock if I see a closed door since I don't want to walk in on someone doing something I don't want to see. He usually does too but I don't know why he didn't knock then...maybe he though we weren't home?


Okay I really need to start packing for that cruise now! I'll see you in a couple of days! (*hug*)

 

Okay this is my last post before we're leaving! I'm actually rather excited about this and this is the first time in months I've actually looked forward to something My medication is still making me dizzy though but oh well.

Stumble along:

I think that was your first post because I don't recall ever seeing your username before! I'd appreciate all advice, really! Getting advice from lots of different people is usually really good for me because it makes me think.

Hm, I'm not 100% sure but I think the majority lives in Sevilla. I know he's got some family in Madrid too. But that's just his extended family and if I remember it correctly, it's his mother's family that lives in Spain. His parents are from Uruguay and Argentina though. Oh, Barcelona is a beautiful city!

Thank you, I definitely will!


YaraNunchuck:

Hiya!

Yeah, I have thought about it some more and have come to the conclusion that I'm probably bisexual so that's what I'm going to tell people when I come out to them from now on. While I am bi, I prefer men and am a Kinsey 4-ish. When I was in my early teens I was almost exclusively attracted to females but that changed when I was 15 years old or so. Right now I'm almost exclusively attracted to men but I am going to call myself bi anyways since I used to find women attractive. I haven't talked to Martin about this at all. He made it pretty clear before that he didn't want to talk about it and I've told him I'm here for him if he needs to talk so I'm going to wait until he comes to me. I've realized labels aren't that important at all, actually. He's coming to terms with loving me still and I'm so proud of him, he's come such a long way. Not going to lie, he was pretty freaked out about getting walked in on and to be fair, so was I. Sex seems to be a very private matter for him so it's not that surprising that he reacted that way. He even has a hard time talking about sex, even with me (though he's getting better at it now).

Yeah, I'm so grateful for my family and the way they've been treating us. They don't act like our relationship is a big deal or anything and they're all so very casual about it. They're also very supportive and loving!

Yeah I'm so glad I have them Thank you (*hug*)

 

Hi guys,

After that cruise and then seeing Maria I crashed. I think that was too much too soon for me. I really don't have the energy to do anything and whenever I force myself to actually do something I crash completely. I always think I'm stronger than I actually am and everything I force myself to do, thinking I can take it, actually completely breaks me.

Anyways the cruise was fun. We spend a whole day in Helsinki before going back and that was nice, although it was way too hot. My oldest brother decided to share a cabin with me and Martin, so unfortunately no privacy for us on the ferry but oh well. Martin had never been to Finland before so he really enjoyed it. The one bad thing about that trip was that I'd somehow managed to leave my sleeping pills at home so I didn't sleep a lot.

Meeting Maria was fun too, we hadn't seen each other since May so she didn't know anything that's happened since, so catching up with her was nice. I'd really missed her.

I haven't seen Martin in two weeks now and I really miss him. I text him sometimes every day and sometimes every other day and he rarely responds. I've heard from him once this week. I try not to be too clingy but I don't get why he doesn't talk to me. I keep seeing him tagged in pics on Facebook and I see that he's been out with his friends almost every single night and I don't mind that, actually I'm glad that he does something he enjoys for once but I don't know. I just hate how in these two weeks, he's never texted or called me first, it's always been me that's initiated things. I know this is a really stupid thing to be upset about but still. I think he's technically living with me now since it's August but I don't know if he's actually been there yet seeing as I'm still at our summer cottage and he hasn't responded when I texted him and asked. I just want to know why he doesn't respond, it's not like I text him a lot or anything, I mean I don't even text him every day.

Anyways, the Prozac's pretty much turned me into a zombie. It's removed my feelings. I'm not sad anymore which is a good thing but instead I'm not able to feel anything which actually is quite scary. I'm just feeling empty all the time.

Stumble along:
Luckily enough I wasn’t seasick! I’m glad Zoloft’s working for you. Zoloft made me suicidal so that’s unfortunately a no go for me :/

I’m part Italian myself haha.

Yeah exactly and besides I’ve realized labels don’t really matter to me anyway. I now know for sure that he loves me and that’s all I need to know


WhiteShadows:

Hi you’re back! How’s Costa Rica?

The trip was really nice
It’s been almost two weeks since it happened and in the end I didn’t bring it up, I just let it pass. It’s not awkward or anything anymore so I’m glad we’re past that now.


Shadowraptor:

Aaaaw, thank you Yeah it has, I think so too at least!

Thanks, we had a nice trip! It was very hot in Helsinki though so doing touristy things there wasn’t very pleasant unfortunately. My medications made me a little dizzy and tired but I’m used to that now.

 

Mystory:

Yeah I texted him and asked that yesterday and he actually replied and was like "yeah kinda". Fair enough I guess but I just think it's sort of weird that he hasn't put more effort into contacting me. Don't get me wrong I want him to have a life beside our relationship too but answering a text literally takes like a couple of seconds tops.

honestly I think it must have put a strain on our relationship. we've never fought this infrequently before - i don't even recall what our last argument was about, yes it was that long ago - but i get that being around me is tiring when i'm like this. i really, really try to act like i used to before but i've realized i need to accept the fact that i am ill and that i can't live my life like i used to. i really try but no matter how hard i try, i know i'm not like i used to be. i try not to bother martin when i feel like shit but i think he can tell anyways even when i'm not telling him. i've asked him if he needs a break from me and he said he doesn't, but god knows what he's really thinking. again i get that i'm a pain to be around. i feel so guilty all the time because i'm ill and he needs to put up with it. i feel like our whole lives are centered around my depression at the moment and i know that's not healthy for our relationship.

you're not being insensitive

 

I figured it's time for an update, even if nothing huge's happened. My dad took me and Martin to IKEA yesterday and we bought a bigger bed, which is needed now that we're living together. I used to fall asleep next to him and then wake up on the floor in the middle of the night, having been kicked out of bed so a bigger bed was definitely needed.

When I got back from our summer cottage, I texted Martin and he moved his stuff in/officially moved in with me the day after. I asked him if he'd been busy while I was away but he avoided the question and I didn't press him about it. I'm so proud of myself because I felt slightly hurt that he didn't once try to contact me after he'd gone back home (it's probably really selfish of me to think that, I know) but I didn't press him about it, which is a huge step forward for me really. I would have before but I've gotten better at not being too clingy (at least I hope I have). Also, him moving in with me is a very big deal for me but he seemed pretty indifferent about it which makes me slightly annoyed. I guess I want him to be as excited as I am about it. I know it's a really stupid thing to be annoyed by.

Things are pretty much the same between us as they've been for quite a while - we don't fight and we get along well but I feel so guilty that he basically needs to take care of me. I try really hard to function but I just...can't. I'm pretty certain this is why he was avoiding me and it just makes me feel like shit.

Oh well, I'm trying to work on getting better and to focus on the positive things. I'm going to my first therapy session in September and I'm going to make my doctor change up my medication so hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Take care guys!

---------- Post added 18th Aug 2014 at 05:58 PM ----------

tommyboy115:

your story is really sweet! and it's really similar to mine! I read somewhere that sometimes when two people are really close friends, their friendship eventually can't grow any stronger and that's when it turns into romantic attraction instead. I've seen quite a lot of that here on EC and really, what's better than falling for your best friend (if they like you back, that is)?

 

Hi guys,

I've just been to see my doctor and I explained the whole Prozac-turned-me-into-a-zombie situation and I think she finally realizes this drug doesn't work for me. For some reason, I have to continue taking it for another month before I get to try another antidepressant. I'm currently on two types of antidepressants, two types of anti-anxiety drugs and one type of sleeping pill that I take every day. I'm also on another anti-anxiety drug and another kind of sleeping pill that I'm allowed to take if/when I need to. At the moment I take 20 pills a day and I'm just so sick of this especially since none of this helps. Basically if I ask for any specific type of drug they'll give it to me but they won't/can't give me what I feel like I need, i.e. therapy. Sorry for the rant I'm just angry and frustrated.

Mav,

my mom also told me that I need to get better and that that should be my top priority for now. logically I know I'm sick and that I'm allowed not to be able to cope but sometimes I still feel like shit because of it. I cook for Martin almost every single night and have dinner ready by the time he gets back from work. and I know Martin probably expects me to lots of stuff since I don't work at the moment but on some days I literally can't get out of bed and then when he gets back from work and sees that I haven't done anything that I'd promised him I would do, I can tell he gets disappointed but he tries not to show it and that makes me feel so bad. I know I'm a lousy boyfriend and I really try not to be.

I'm a pretty self absorbed person and sometimes I forget that Martin probably doesn't have the easiest of times right now. when things get hard for me I like to talk about it but Martin hates talking about more difficult stuff especially when there's feelings involved. I know from before that Martin has a tendency to just disappear for a while without telling anyone what he's doing or why he left (he's been like that to him whole family ever since last winter) and I guess that's just the way he is and that I shouldn't read too much into it, which I won't do. I'm going to let this whole situation pass. It's good to know that you don't think I was being clingy because I sometimes have a hard time judging that myself.

Yeah it's nice not being kicked out of bed anymore and having to spend the rest of the night on the sofa :lol:

Thank you so much for your comment!



NoClue,

I'm not going to bring it up again because he clearly doesn't want to talk about it, he's done this before (as I mentioned to Mav) and it doesn't really matter. I trust him and I don't think he'd do anything just because I wasn't there.

I should probably tell him that. I'm so thankful that i have him, I honestly don't think I'd even be here anymore if it weren't for him. I woke up last night in the middle of a panic attack and he comforted me and helped me calm down to the point where I was able to go back to sleep. He's just so great and I probably don't tell him that often enough.

We'll do some fun things soon, I promise! he's taking me out on a surprise date night on Friday and I have no idea what he's planned. and on Saturday there's a friend's birthday party which we're probably going to.

Thank you so much for commenting!

 

SixesandSevens;

I envy you and everyone else that hasn't been depressed enough to go and see a doctor. I wouldn't wish clinical depression on anyone. It's just awful. And in a very strange way, if you're depressed long enough the depression eventually turns sort of comforting (in a very very weird way) and that makes fighting the depression difficult. It's like you and the depression become one and you're scared of losing that part of yourself.

Yeah I mean I get that they want to be able to give everyone therapy but they can't afford that so they just medicate people instead. I was admitted to a psychiatric inpatient unit when I was 16 and I stayed there for five weeks and during that time I received very little help. I was in different sorts of therapy every second day but beside that I spent a lot of time in bed, being watched over so that I wouldn't kill myself. What I learned from my time in the hospital is that I'm like you, simply talking about what I'm feeling helps a lot.

Oh whenever Martin's geographically close to me he'll definitely come to help me whenever I need help. He's gone out of his way to help me on several occasions. I think Martin sometimes just avoid people for a while - he's done that on several occasions before in the past, like when we were in high school and stuff. He'd just stop answering certain people's texts and start avoiding them IRL and then he'd come around like a week later. I think that's just the way he copes with things sometimes - he takes actual breaks from them. I don't think there's anything more to his behavior than that (thank god)