Having issues with my Son

Hi there, Im a mom and our 18 yr old son is gay. He just came out this last Sept. Only going by what you wrote, I believe your son's issues and struggles have nothing to do with him being gay. I understand and respect your feelings about him being gay. I truely believe that it would benefit you to see a therapist. It sounds like your son needs help too. It does feel a bit strange at first to hear your child is gay when we are straight and dont know much about it, but really it's simple...they are just gay and we are just straight. It is very common for people to have a girlfriend or boyfriend before they come out. It doesnt mean they are not gay at all. I do believe 14 is way too young for anyone to be having sex along with the other behaviors you described. Im guessing his father isnt in the picture? Only because you didnt mention his father. Anyway please get professional help. Your son needs you and you need support as well. Best wishes

---------- Post added 8th May 2014 at 08:47 PM ----------

 

Well you need to get sexual positions out of your mind first, don't berate him for the intimate details of the bedroom, you'd just have to berate him for having unprotected sex there and no more.

But don't look at it like a "He breaks one rule so I get a pass on breaking one" thing, that's not how it works. If you compromise you have to keep your end of the deal, show that you're trying and you want to make this work.

You say you'd rather work on slowly reducing his punishments and building trust as long as he's being good, but could you give an example of that? Like, what would he need to do and for how long before you give him X?

And just to add, ultimately your therapist will be the best source of advice in this situation.

 

This seems good to start with. Let us know how it goes and see if he starts doing better in how the situation is going. I'm glad he admitted to smoking, at least he is being truthful in that regard.

 

I don't think anyone was suggesting a situation such as, "If you do one good thing, I'll let you do one bad thing." I think what they were encouraging was to offer him deals and incentives to act trustworthy and behave himself, letting him know that he can earn privileges back if he is willing to follow the rules. That's basically what you outlined in the end of the quote there - it's more carrot and less stick. It gives him a sense of control over the situation, and makes you look less "the bad guy". After all, if you're telling him he can stay out later in the future if he proves that he can come home on curfew and not intoxicated, and he either shows up late or intoxicated - who is to blame if he can't stay out later in the future? It puts the responsibility to follow the rules and behave on his shoulders.

One thing I want to note, is that while you're right to harp on him having unprotected sex, I'd focus less on specific sex acts and positions. There is also a difference between berating and shaming. When talking to him about NOT having sex, it helps if you have a list of reasons that you can explain to him why he shouldn't have sex at his age. If you want to stop him from having sex at his age, you're really going to need some buy in on his end. "Because you're too young" and "Because I said so" - those arguments aren't going to fly with him, and it's basically telling him to rebel and do it anyway behind your back. It's just a matter of you not catching him. This is dangerous because it actually increases the chances that he will have unprotected sex, and could put him in some really problematic situations. We want to avoid that.

This is a good sign. It proves that he's communicating and being honest. It's best to give him the benefit of the doubt here, and create an expectation for him to live up to. By creating an expectation for him to live up to, you're setting the stage where he has something to lose if he does it again. If you create a situation where he's automatically considered guilty for future actions he hasn't committed, he's going to feel that he has nothing to lose, is already assumed guilty anyway, so why not go ahead and do it.

Like I said previously, he needs to feel like he has some control over the situation, and that he has something to lose by engaging in bad behavior. If he feels powerless, and has no leverage to improve his situation then he's going to feel as if he has nothing to gain. At that point, it puts the ownership of the problem on his shoulders to prove himself trustworthy and responsible. If he fails to follow the rules, and live up to the expectations you've set - he will only have himself to blame for his situation.

This is a good start. See how he does here, and if he can live up to his end of the bargain.