Having issues with my Son

I highly do not recommend blocking his access to this site. It's one of the few places he has an outlet to discuss what is going on, and he is reaching out for support here. It's one of the few places online where he can actually get that support, where he isn't likely to be subjected to inappropriate material.

---------- Post added 7th May 2014 at 01:52 PM ----------

Neither does anyone else. Nor does anyone want him drinking alcohol. Because of the situation he is in, and the stress and anxiety he is facing, he's at high risk for substance abuse. The best way to deal with that is to help fix the situation. This is why you're going to the therapist, and why you should speak to the therapist before making any decisions.

 

I thought you wanted to give him space here to get support? It's important that he can get support without feeling like he has to censor himself because you're viewing what he has to say.

It's very important that you give him space. This entire site is designed to be for anonymous support, and there are very strong controls in place to keep things anonymous. The fact that you've already come here and read some of the things he's posted is a breach of that anonymity and has made it more difficult for him to get the support that he desperately needs.

It's like going to Alcoholics Anonymous and then publishing the names of everyone attending and their stories in the local newspaper. It's a breach of trust that could destroy that community, and make it impossible for those who need help to get it. This is supposed to be a safe place for him to get the help that he needs to work through his issues. It's best that you keep yourself to this forum, and respect the integrity and purpose of the site.

If your son wishes to discuss things with you, then he will. If not, then it's something you should work with him on with the therapist. You shouldn't use EC as a means to monitor him. That's a betrayal of the purpose of this site - the ability to seek anonymous support and advice.

 

Generally this is a place for privacy, hence the anonymity. I think it'd be better if you just let him post in privacy and seek advice on things because, no matter your age, there's just some things you don't talk about with your parents.

Not saying you should leave, just that you shouldn't invade your sons privacy to that extent.

 

The issue to worry about is not his privacy but mums. The conversation has now turned to potential drug use. If he is not using drugs and monitoring this string, now its "us" installing more shame. If he is now he will hide it even more. I would suggest the seriousness of this is best left with mum and professionals and not debated here potentially in front of the poor boy.

 

I second this. If you want to discuss drug use, I feel it would be much better to PM mom and not have it public.

 

Problem is, mom can't be PMed.

 

Jumping in here again to stress that blowing what was probably a single joint massively out of proportion isn't a good idea.

Speak to your therapist first. Don't jump straight from "He seemed high" to "Blood tests for cocaine and meth".

 

Glad you agree, but as for this thread? It's too late for that.

 

One other thought, if he's on ritalin, stopping it could cause strange behaviours, especially around sleeping, as well. In addition to ADHD, that drug is also used to treat narcolepsy. That was one of the things that outed me when I was hiding my pills in high school because I hated being on that drug

 

Yeah I agree.... Your son has definitely seen this thread, as hot as this thread has been recently. The damage has been done.

 

Hmm, I disagree that the thread has caused much damage there.

MumWithAGayKid, you've already said most of what you've said here, and more, to your son. The only thing I can think of that he wouldn't know about without this thread is the conversion therapy you were thinking about.

However, if it wasn't for this thread he would've known about it. If you didn't come here then you would have gone through with it, the only people you would be talking to would be your religious family and they would've pushed you towards it. In fact, given that you spoke to your brother and showed him you were seriously considering it, chances are your brother or parents aren't going to let it go. In other words, I don't think there's anything in this thread that your son hasn't already been able to guess, that you haven't already told your son, or (in the case of that conversion therapy) that he wouldn't have found out about anyway.

 

Hi, I know this may be a little late but I think the best thing to do is to be extra supportive and to maybe occasionally bring it up but if he is uncomfortable just let sleeping dogs lie. i dont know, it worked for me, but every child and every parent is different.

 

Maybe "damage" wasn't the best word choice to use on my part.

 

I'm sorry both you and your son are in such a nasty situation. I don't think putting more restrictions or removing them to regain trust will work anymore now, as it's obvious you both can't trust each other any more and that this or your trust won't be repaired any time soon.

A solution might be to make a deal with your son, supervised by possibly a neutral therapist (no family or friends!). It's in both your best interest to make some compromises. A few rules I'd suggest:

For you.
1. No more negative comments from you about homosexuality, femininity and gay sex
2. No more discussion of sexual acts (especially not bottoming).
3. The only discussion about sex, may be health related like getting vaccinated and using condoms.
4. You are not going to force him to change to straight or bi and you going to defend him from family and friends who want to force him to go to a 'conversion therapy' or anything else. You're not going to suggest he might be straight or bi in any way.
5. You will allow him to go on legitimate support forums like this one. You're not going to read his posts of support forums and you will allow him a username you don't know. You're not going to search around for his posts.
6. You're not going to use offensive terms (like 'being the female'), discuss which terms are not acceptable.

For him.
1. No drugs.
2. No unsafe sex.
3. No sex with people, with which he is not in a stable and longer term relationship. (no hookups)
4. No alcohol abuse.
5. No sex apps.

Discuss with him and your therapist if there are other rules either one of you need.

Then try to find ways with him and your therapist to check if each of you follows each rules, make sure you both accept the method of checking up. Make regular appointments with the neutral party to check progress and if you both follow the rules.

Make sure he knows about the deal, before suggesting a concrete deal, has plenty of time to think about it before agreeing and make sure you can compromise on the rules.

I'm not sure if this would work, as I'm not an expert, but if you both don't start to make compromises and earn trust it's going to become more problematic.

Good luck for you both (*hug*)

 

Exactly what Chip said.

I've been following this thread from the beginning and if I had hair, I would've ripped it all out by now.

My advice to you, don't ask for advice if you're not going to take it.

As a parent myself, if you think trying to "control" a teenager is going to get the results you want you're going to have a battle on your hands until one of you are in the grave. Good luck to you and your son, it seems like you both are going to need it.