Having issues with my Son

Please, Do what you need to do to make this work. we are also here for advice, if you need us. We are not ganging up on you by any means, even though some here are blunt in how they express their advice. We just want you and your son to work together on this and have a happy and healthy relationship for the rest of your lives. Many here have seen first hand and have experience when things like this go bad, We just don't want that to happen here. That is why this is hitting strong for everyone.

I'm glad he felt like he could talk to you in the first place, as for now there are some things that need to be worked out before that can happen again and by all means if you think a neutral therapist will work, go for it. I know what it's like not to be able to talk about deep feelings with parents and honestly I wish I could.... Not being able to has caused a lot of problems for me, I keep everything bottled up inside, wanting to tell someone but trusting no one... Its a feeling I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

You and your son will find a way to work this out, but you both need to share in this together. There are things both of you need to do, and I'm glad you are attempting to do something about it. It will get better, your son will live a happy life.. with a supporting mother who loves him for him and not because of what he likes or doesn't.

 

Linda Robertson: Just Because He Breathes: Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son

 

What boundaries do you currently have set... let me see if I can remember:

Stays with you after school, sometimes gymnastic practice.
You use parental controls on phone/pc?
He isn't alone much due to sex/parties and did you mentions drinking?

Anything else? I think I got most of them.

 

1.) Set a curfew. This I think is pretty standard in the parental arsenal. Make sure the curfew time is reasonable. ( obviously don't ask him to be home by like 5pm or something let him have an actual day so he can enjoy himself. )

2.) Given your concerns with his current behavior make sure he calls to check in with you every so often. Perhaps once every 2ish hours. Also, be firm with this one. Tell him if he does not call you than you're going back to how things were before. Explain that you're giving him a chance to work for his freedoms and privileges back.

3.) Give him back his ability to download apps, and generally use his phone. You've checked his phone before so I imagine you'll do so again if you follow this one. Tell him up front that if you catch him abusing his phone privileges than you'll take it away again without a second thought. Give him the wiggle room, but assert your authority as well.

4.) Tell him if you find out he's engaging in unsafe behaviors again everything goes back to the way its been lately. Please, no double standards here. If you catch him with a girl ( which is doubtful ) you have to treat it just the same as if he was having sex with a boy. Make sure he knows that you'll have your eyes on him, but that you're willing to let go and give him a chance.

That's all I've got at the moment. I hope this list is helpful.

 

I agree, Nice list.

 

I don't think anybody here truly has an objection to you trying to put some rules and restrictions in place -- you're a parent and that's your job. Unfortunately, this is not an easy thing to police. Unless you want to make his life miserable and never give him a moment alone unsupervised, if he wants to have sex he'll find a way. And I agree that he really shouldn't be doing that at this point; he's too young. I wish I had a better suggestion for you, but I think the only thing you can really do is sit down together calmly, in private, and explain why he should wait to have sex. Tell him you don't care if he's gay, straight, or somewhere in between, just that you don't think he should rush into anything. It may not work, but if he thinks your concerns are sincere and that you're not trying to be judgmental then there's a chance he'll be open to what you have to say. Tone and respect is everything though -- don't get angry and truly listen to whatever he has to say.

If you are going to try and establish some trust and give him some freedom, the best thing to do is really hammer home the importance of having safe sex. Forget about talking about him being the bottom or encouraging him to try stuff with a girl -- this is the most important thing.

Again, nobody thinks any less of you for trying to get your son's behavior under control (I think we all agree there are some real issues there), it's just some of the messages you're sending him are harmful and in my opinion flat out wrong. You don't have to like that he's gay or how he chooses to act on that, but you should do everything possible to be his ally rather than an adversary. You have the rest of your life to become more comfortable with who he is, but in the meantime please don't let him know that you're not. His happiness and relationship with you should be more important than any of that other stuff. Because he's not straight, your son inherently has a more difficult path ahead of him. It's crucial for him to know that he always has his mother on his side to help him get through those tough times. Don't do anything that could shatter his self-esteem or make him hate himself; just provide unconditional love and support, no matter how difficult that can be sometimes.

 

^^ +1... Great advice.

 

I don't think anybody thinks you're a bad mother or is ganging up on you (I'm sorry if you felt that way, not our intention) but rather that a lot of people are blunt with their advice. I think everyone is trying to help, but the aura of "hostility" is coming from people being triggered by their bad experiences. Try to remember that this is a gay support forum so any dislike toward homosexuality can be sensitive. It's better you be honest about not fully accepting it so we can help you though.

I don't hate you at all though just to clarify.

Also, I may not be a mother, but I was the "gay 14 year old" at one point, so I empathize with your son and understand more due to my experiences. The only thing is that I'm also on your side when it comes to setting restrictions and boundaries, I just think you're going about it all wrong because of your stress.

I think you've gotten some pretty good advice. Him being gay is stressful for him too, and this is part of the reason he is lying and doing things behind your back. It's because he can't go to you, so he has to act out in other means. He might not even have went off to have sex so often if he felt like his sexuality was accepted and it was instilled in him that "It's okay to be gay, but better to wait for sex". You know, reasons that made sense to him. He probably could have abstained if so. But the problem is that he is getting mixed signals; that "He's too young for gay sex" but "He should try it with a girl to make sure". So he's being told that It's okay to have sex, but not with guys- which in turn is going to make him have sex with guys even more, and possibly in a very unsafe way. Unfortunately, because of the shame, some gay men will resort to risky sex and be unable to form relationships or know how to wait because they're taught they have to be secretive.

I have no objections to being concerned about sexting/drinking; but you have to have an open and honest talk about why you disapprove of it; without shaming him for doing so. Yes there should be discipline, but not to the extent it makes him burst out crying and lowers his self-esteem.

 

I think you are right, this is absolutely what you need to focus on. The issues here are around boundaries. The issue is not that he's gay, and it's great that you can seperate that out.

In terms of negotiating boundaries, its difficult too give specific advice. That's something that needs to be worked through with your son, and probably with therapy.

I just want to say that I too am a single mother and can relate to some of the underlying anxiety about being on your own and setting boundaries for your sons. It is understandable that you have looked for outside back up and support. I think you may be experiencing some control issues here as this is probably something you have battled with for a long time. Also I imagine you are feeling the extra burden of judgement and shame that society puts on the shoulders of single parents, especially single mothers.

In terms of coming out, I know exactly what my mother will say when the day comes. She will tell me it's my fault, that being LGBT friendly, being too soft or strict, him not having a father figure, and everything else under the sun is why he's not straight. And she will be wrong. And when it happens, I will stand with my son and fight for him and with him for her and anyone else to accept and understand, because he is my priority, not other people's opinions and judgements no matter how close they are to me. Don't let others judge you, and don't take on board their shame.

Back to boundaries, well I think you do seem backed into a corner and it must be very tough. You are holding onto him because you are afraid, and he's fighting you because any 14 year old would kick against that level of control. You need to negotiate a step by step retreat to somewhere you both feel comfortable.

The only thing I want to say is your son is hurting like hell right now. He is angry, and he feels rejected and judged. That is a bridge you need to repair before any movement can happen. You need as the adult to take the first step however hard - and you need to say sorry for some of your words and actions. He has been in the wrong too but he's a vulnerable and hurting 14 year old, and he needs the adult to take the first step. You can worry about his apologies later, the most important thing to do now is get a link back to him.

Right now I suspect he feels he has nothing to lose. He feels he does not have your respect, your approval or your love. What then does he have to gain by listening to you? Or by abiding by your rules? When a child feels they have no way to win the approval of their parent, in almost every case the result will be this kind of battle and rebellion. You have told him (in words and actions) that being gay is not acceptable to you. So he could do everything you ask and respect every rule, and he will still be gay, and still not be acceptable to you.

In short, give him something to gain in what is at the moment a lose-lose situation for him. The obvious thing is to seperate his sexuality, say you will try and understand and come to terms with it, and stop trying to change him. In return to you laying off that, there has to be ground rules. Which may or may not include no sex until 16, and if it does, that needs to be no sex with either gender.

 

Man this is tough! Just to summarize, I am a 50 year old gay male in a straight marriage. I have "penetrated" my wife many times and enjoyed it.

---------- Post added 4th May 2014 at 04:32 PM ----------

Man this is tough! Just to summarize, I am a 50 year old gay male in a straight marriage. I have "penetrated" my wife many times and enjoyed it. BUT I AM GAY. I know this is difficult to understand, but being gay about much more than sex. It is about who you are physically and emotionally attracted to. I never connected to my wife the way I did to my boy friend. I enjoy straight sex, and being top and bottom. I can assure you I am not a girl. And I can assure you having and enjoying sex with a women is not going to make you son straight.

You tell your son to drop his past time because you believe too many of the kids come across as gay. You say you other son is normal. Well yes he is, so is your gay son. It is clear this poor child, who probably was aware he was gay a few years ago, is being raised in an extremely homophobic environment. It is clear you disapprove homosexuals, and your extended family disapprove of homosexuals. Your worst nightmare has come true, you have a homosexual in your family and can't deal with it. You son's problems are ultimately not his but yours. The environment he was raised in has created them (again the shame that has been thrust upon him).

I know how difficult it can be to raise children as I have one. I know how difficult the teen years can be. But ultimately, you son's future is in your hands...not his. You NEED to accept him or his future is looking grim and so is your and his relationship. At this point I don't see a lot of hope. You simply do not like homosexuals!

---------- Post added 4th May 2014 at 04:33 PM ----------

Man this is tough! Just to summarize, I am a 50 year old gay male in a straight marriage. I have "penetrated" my wife many times and enjoyed it. BUT I AM GAY. I know this is difficult to understand, but being gay about much more than sex. It is about who you are physically and emotionally attracted to. I never connected to my wife the way I did to my boy friend. I enjoy straight sex, and being top and bottom. I can assure you I am not a girl. And I can assure you having and enjoying sex with a women is not going to make you son straight.

You tell your son to drop his past time because you believe too many of the kids come across as gay. You say you other son is normal. Well yes he is, so is your gay son. It is clear this poor child, who probably was aware he was gay a few years ago, is being raised in an extremely homophobic environment. It is clear you disapprove homosexuals, and your extended family disapprove of homosexuals. Your worst nightmare has come true, you have a homosexual in your family and can't deal with it. You son's problems are ultimately not his but yours. The environment he was raised in has created them (again the shame that has been thrust upon him).

I know how difficult it can be to raise children as I have one. I know how difficult the teen years can be. But ultimately, you son's future is in your hands...not his. You NEED to accept him or his future is looking grim and so is your and his relationship. At this point I don't see a lot of hope. You simply do not like homosexuals!

 

Obviously technical difficulties

 

Can I just say that everything I read you post makes me happy

Your child is lucky to have a mom like you, seriously. You're an amazing person. I wish my dad had been half as awesome as you.

 

First, the sex thing. When you poop, how do you know you're actually pooping? It's the nerves down there that can sense that something is moving. Nerves channel feelings like pain and pleasure. This is how anal sex can be pleasurable for people. If your son decided to be the top in the relationship, then now his boyfriend will be in the "degrading" position, and now how would his mother feel, according to you? In all, it doesn't matter which position he takes, it's gross for a mother to dwell on what her son does in the bedroom, just like he doesn't need to know or want to know every detail of your sex life.

As for laying down restrictions...the main thing you don't want him doing is partying/drinking and having sex. Like someone else said, set a curfew. You could also put up blockers for his app download, or monitor which apps he downloads, or block certain webistes etc.. Or, you could let him download whatever, but have surprise spot checks of his phone done by you, you can check his texts and if he has any naughty apps. Have him check in with you every so often by text or call. I'm sure you can think of more specific things.

 

1.) I'd pull his curfew back a bit. He's still in the process of 'regaining trust' so if you give him back his curfew exactly as it was from the start he won't have an incentive to follow the rules. Try cutting a few hours off it and tell him he'll get it back completely if he follows your boundaries

2.) It doesn't have to be every two hours. If you feel that's too long make it shorter and let him earn longer and longer periods without the check in until he's proven he can be trusted not to have them at all.

3.) What about giving him back his phone's features one at a time? Each time he does what he's supposed and listens you give him back one thing on his phone?

4.) That is a scary thought, but at some point it's going to be all on him to make that decision. He has to learn how to be safe, and you'll have to teach him. I know this is most likely one your deepest fears right now, but once you've given him a talk about safe sex ( that doesn't involve sexuality ) you'll just have to have a little faith that he'll understand. The more you try to shelter him from this, the worse things will get. Eventually you have to pull back and give him a chance to prove himself on this one.

 

Bullied? Now that sucks, Do you think he could be taking out his frustrations from being bullied on you and that is why is being hostile? When did the bullying start and it is still going on?

Other than that, I thing a lot of the restriction/boundaries idea on this thread are good.

 

MumWithAGayKid -

When it comes to proper boundaries, I'm going to encourage you to speak to the therapist about that. This really comes down to being able to have a dialog with your son, and the ability to communicate and agree upon certain terms and conditions. The issue you're having with boundaries and restrictions right now comes down to two factors:

1. Your son is a fourteen year old teenager. By this very fact he's going to make poor judgement calls. That's just part of growing up and gaining life experience. This is the reason we create boundaries in the first place, in an attempt to protect them.

2. At this moment in time you're not able to have an open and honest dialog with your son. There are a number of issues at play that make this next to impossible, but most of them rest on your shoulders and the fact you don't want him to be gay. Until you get into a better place yourself, you're not going to be able to successfully assert your authority as a parent.

I know it may seem as if there is a lot of hostility being directed at you, but that is only because the people you are talking to want the same thing that you want: what is best for your son. Many of the things you've written are triggering bad memories, deep seeded fears, and other such negative emotions in the people here. People are afraid of your son being hurt emotionally and psychologically, and I am sure you share that concern which is why you're here looking for advice. It's also why it's essential that you have a -GOOD- therapist.

A good qualified therapist is going to help you resolve the issues you have with your son being gay, help your son deal with the issues he has with being gay, and at the same time work with you both to establish a good line of communication. We will find out soon enough whether the therapist you currently have is suited to the task.

Unfortunately, a lot of straight people (and sadly a lot of gay people as well) only see being gay through the lens of sex. But being gay actually has very little to do with sexual acts. It's like saying whatever relationship you have with a man as a straight woman is only based around sexual acts. The truth of the matter is the best way to think of being gay is through the lens of romantic attraction. It's the feelings that you get when you start developing crushes and feelings for someone - just like it is for straight people. And just like with straight people, romantic attraction also goes hand in hand with sexual attraction.

I don't want you to feel like there are "sides" or "teams" here. Many of us here don't approve of some of the poor judgements made by your son, but we have the understanding that he's a fourteen year old kid. By the nature of being fourteen he's going to make poor decisions. It's your role, as the adult and his mother, to take the leadership role. That's why the focus is on you, because until you can get to a better place you're going to almost certainly fail to get a handle on the situation.

There is only one "team" or "side": your family and what is best for it as a whole. That "team" or "side" includes both you and your son together.

======

Let's talk about some specific things that might help.

First, I'd actually encourage you to print off this entire thread and give it to the therapist to read. He or she might not be able to read it during the session, but it's a good way to help the therapist get up-to-date. You're not going to want to repeat some of the things you've written here to your son's face. It would be hurtful to him. It is, however, important that you discuss everything here with your therapist.

Second, it's important for your therapist to realize that this is a crisis situation for both you and your son. Hopefully this will mean the therapist will be able to see you very frequently - giving you priority - until the current situation starts to become manageable. A month wait between visits isn't really acceptable. You need a therapist that will be able to see you at least twice a week right now, and then later once a week once the crisis has passed and things are back under control. After that, every other week or twice a month is a good pace.

At this moment in time, I'd really find a therapist who is willing to see you LESS THAN once a week really unacceptable. As you know from experience, a lot can happen in the span of a week.

Third, you mentioned that your son is being bullied at school. Has he actually talked about himself being bullied, or is this simply a fear that you have? Do you know whether or not if he's finding people who are accepting him as being gay?

Fourth, I wouldn't worry about whether or not gymnastics is stereotyped as a 'gay' or 'less masculine' sport. If your son wants to join another after school activity, that will keep him busy and out of trouble. Thus, if he still wants to join you should be open to it. This could be something that is ultimately discussed with the therapist, and of course it's your son's choice. You don't want him joining if he really isn't interested.

Fifth, I think a gradual decreasing of your restrictions is reasonable. It's important that he be put into a position where he can re-earn your trust. I'd begin by removing some of the restrictions you've put on his phone. I agree with you that keeping things where he has to get approval for apps to be installed is a good idea - at least for now. It's really dangerous for him to be using hook up apps, because most of the older men who use them are only using them for one thing and it's not to chat and make friends. There are straight versions of those apps as well, by the way. It would be wise to check your other son's phone for any inappropriate material as well. That way you can maintain a semblance of fairness.

I wouldn't go through their phones without their knowledge. I would give them the opportunity to confess upfront whether or not they have anything inappropriate on their phones they don't want you to see. Then I'd give them the opportunity to delete it. Let the focus be on the conduct and not the details of what they were doing. It's not about shaming them, it's about enforcing appropriate behavior and responsibility. The same is true when it comes to internet usage.

Sixth, once you've had time to talk to the therapist and get some stuff in working order, I'd then talk to the therapist about talking to your son's boyfriends parents. I'd want to understand whether or not they feel it's okay for their son to have sex at such a young age, and to see whether or not both you and them are on the same page.

Let me be clear here, though. This conversation should include absolutely nothing about sexual positions. Please, for the love of everything, just avoid that topic unless it's to talk about safe sex. You will be happier and your son will be happier.

Instead, your focus should be on whether or not his boyfriend's parents feel it's appropriate for them to have sex, and what all of you can do as parents to work together. This way you can support him being in a healthy romantic relationship, but can work with his boyfriend's parents on trying to curb inappropriate behavior.

The reality is that sooner or later your son is going to begin having sex again. Probably sooner rather than later, and almost certainly sooner than you'd want. The appropriate thing to do is to make sure he's being responsible. This means, yes, condoms but also talking about things like consent, and respect for sexual partners and a whole range of other appropriate topics. These are things that can be discussed at length later.

For now, the focus for you should be on mending bridges with your son with the help of a (hopefully good and qualified) therapist. Once you start moving in a more positive direction everything else will start falling into place.

I'd also heavily listen to Elliebean. She's someone in the exact same position as you: single mother of a gay child roughly around the age of your son. I've yet to find issue with anything she has written in this thread, as she's been spot on about everything.

 

"...he swims. It's definitely not the most masculine sport by any stretch of the imagination"

Please take a look at the above statement. Ask yourself what that says to a 14 year old boy who is learning what it is to be a man. It just one of the many ways you have told him he is not living up to you standards...again the accumulating shame.

"It's not that I do not like homosexuals. I just haven't had much exposure to them. I mean sure there's the occasional campy guy I suspect to be gay, but I don't have any gay friends".

Beg to differ, you've known at least one homosexual for 14 years...your son.

Does it matter if he is camp (I assume this means what we would call a fem in the US)? Would it/does it effect you feelings for him?

The good news is I've reviewed his posts and believe he very much wants your love, acceptance, and understanding. He is just hurting. Hurting bad.