Having issues with my Son

Good! Maybe getting it out of the house will help some... I hope this works into something good for the two of you.

Hmm, Maybe ask her how she is dealing with it? If you two are friends of any kind maybe ask her what she would do, boundaries and such. Since she also has a gay son, she could be a very good person to talk too about issues in this matter.

And good for going to a therapist, I'm sure they will help you through this and get your relationship back to the way it was.

 

I haven't had time to read trough everything that's been posted here, but I'll do that as soon as I have time...

I wanted to thank you for taking the step to come on here and ask for advice. I know, from the few posts I did read, there where some hostile responses, but in the same token some good heartfelt advice too.

Glad you've decided to tackle this with the help of a qualified therapist as I think both of you would greatly benefit from it.

Hang in there, things will get better!!!

 

Wow...reading all of this, there was SO much i wanted to say...i'm not going to lie.
But other posters have already touched on the subject so i will say no more.

As a mum i really understand some of your concerns and what you are saying.

It's great to read that you have seeked help from a therapist, i think this will really help build a great relationship with your son.
If it helps, which i'm sure it will. This will be the best thing you can do, it will help your son feel that he can be honest and talk to you about things, rather than not tell you anything or lie about stuff.

Making my son feel comfortable enough to want to come and talk to me, was the most important thing to me.

 

MumWithAGayKid -

Yes, you definitely did the right thing in getting the alcohol out of the house. With so much stress, anxiety, and other issues going on in his life in addition to the medication he's taking - it's best not to create issues where he's learning to depend on alcohol for managing emotions and mood.

He may have been drinking to try and sleep. With so much stress and anxiety going on in his life, I'd be shocked if he wasn't suffering from insomnia. A full grown well-adjusted adult would struggle to sleep in his circumstances. Make sure you bring this up with the therapist, that way the issue can be tackled. His grades at school are already likely to suffer due to all the other things going on in his life at the moment, lack of sleep will only make it worse.

As for potential bullying at school, well - this place is a good resource for that. Not only are there other kids around his age here, most adults can give advice on how to handle things. Getting some trouble from other kids is to be expected, especially right now. Once the gossip has become old, he should find himself in a better place. It's something you'll want to add to speak about to the therapist.

Sometime in the future, though not necessarily immediately, I'd speak to the school administrators and his teachers. Basically, I'd want to give them heads up on the fact that your son is gay, you're concerned with bullying, and that you want them to keep their eyes open and lines of communication open.

Unfortunately, some bullying is to be expected no matter where he goes, and it could be worse in some places than others. So long as he has friends who still support him and stand behind him, he'll likely muddle through it. Your concern should be focused on bullying that could lead to physical violence or prolonged harassing treatment.

It's unlikely he'll speak to you about it, even if you were on better terms. It's a guy thing. Pride, ego, not wanting to seem weak, not wanting your mother to show up and help you out which would be humiliating. Such feelings are irrelevant if he's in serious trouble, though. That's the reason you want to establish a line of communication and a working relationship with his teachers and school administrators. When they know that you know, and they know that you'll be keeping your eyes on it and expecting them to do the same - that will give your son priority to them.

Schools will focus more on kids whose parents are actively involved. The kids who have parents that are distant, and don't show much interest - well - they get pushed to the side. That's because their parents are less likely to rock the boat and cause them trouble. You want it to be known that you'll do what is necessary to protect your son, and that you expect them to do exactly the same.

I'm sure the teachers have heard the rumors by now, so telling them he's gay isn't likely to be a shock. It's more of a formality, letting them know that you know, that you expect certain behaviors from them, and that you'll be on top of things.

However, once again - if he has some good friends - he'll likely pull through fine. After good friends, he needs a good support system at home.

It's good that you have lines of communication open with his boyfriend's mother. Even though you both don't seem to be on the same page regarding sex, at least you're both talking and are trying to keep the other up-to-date with what is going on. I'm unsure how she feels and has been dealing with having a gay son, but she could be a potential source of support for you in coming to terms with your son being gay.

There are some other things that I want to talk to you about, regarding sex and sexuality and some conversations that you should be having - things that pretty much none of us (at least I know I wasn't) taught when I was a kid, that are important for your son to know. Like the importance of setting boundaries, being comfortable saying no and yes to sex, and understanding what consent looks like. However, I don't think you're ready to have those conversations yet, and it's best to take things one step at a time.

I look forward to hearing about your first visit to the therapist. I hope it's productive.

 

First off let me apologize for coming off so strong in the first reply. Also, I'm sorry you had to walk in on your son having sex- that is something no parent should see no matter with whom they are having it with. However, the position he takes in bed really shouldn't be any of your concern now nor ever. As someone with a very intrusive MIL I can say that bedroom business is something privet and should remain only between the two people in the bedroom. When my MIL ever has input about the bedroom I feel like I could just throw up (personally). It would be the same if your mother started asking what position you take in bed. Just because you're on top doesn't mean that you're suddenly a man. Your older son may have been on the receiving end of a strap on at one point or another but it's nothing he would ever share with you, you're his mother. That's the way it should be.
The only part you should be concerned about is his age and the fact that he still lives under your roof.

As for role models, this kind of scratches the surface of where your concern is stemming from. You're worried that you some how "turned" him gay because you didn't expose him to enough male role models, is that somewhere along the lines? Have you ever heard of a point in psychology called Nature vs. Nurture? The title of the teachings is self explanatory; it's a study of human behaviors and theorizing whether it is nature or nurturing that led to these behaviors. Anyway, assuming that his sexuality is based off nurture is a misconception many people have about LGBT community. The "gay gene" is actually by nature. His sexuality (or preferred position in the bedroom) has nothing to do with your up bringing or his role models.

You're welcome. Disclaimer of my OP duly noted. I don't need any though, mine never dropped :lol:

Anywhoo, As for activities- again, this goes back to the Nature/Nurture perspective. While it will distract him from sex for the time being, it's not going to take it completely off of his mind- that's the "perks" of a teenager. They're just a sack of meat and hormones. Don't be hasty to throw out sports yet, though! Allowing and encouraging him to partake in organized sports can have an impact on his behavioral health. Here is a short tech paper that will show you the advantages. He might be angry at first but he will thank you later in life for pushing him to finish and when he begins reaping the rewards and his "pleasure" center of the brain is stimulated, you'll start to see a change in him and he'll want to take part in more activities. Always be a positive reinforcement to him no matter win or lose so he can see that you really do support him.

Nothing you can really do about that since he's gay. The best course of action for yourself would be to seek one-on-one counseling then perhaps move up to family counseling sessions to help repair you and your son's relationship.

No, he's not going to forgive very easily. One, he's a moody teenager, two, he "came out" before he was ready to. He knew you were going to act negative towards his sexuality and he wasn't ready to tell you. He didn't want more strain on him or between the two of you. My mom knew I wasn't straight almost 10 years before I ever came out, but she never outed me- no matter how bad our relationship got- because she knew it would only hurt our relationship worse. But now it's out, it's done. The only thing you can do to help him forgive you is lay off him about his sexuality. There's nothing you can do to change who he is, and really why would you want to? I understand it's tough right now but he's still you're baby boy no matter what. You need to keep that in mind above all else. Like earlier stated, what happens in the bedroom isn't your business (once he's of age). Until then, focus on pushing the idea that he is too young for sex (period!), and if he's going to do it, he needs to be safe (like you have been). But if you close the lines of communication by focusing on what you see as negatives, he's not going to want to talk to you, and he's not going to trust you to come to you with problems. What if he has a major problem that goes way beyond sex? Who is he going to turn to if you don't give him that safe environment?

Understandably so. I don't want my kid watching porn, but to face the facts, he's going to access it one way or another. Here are some copy and paste statistics from an InternetSafety101 site.

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel about porn, and then request that he keeps it off your computer if he is not going to respect your feelings. If you must- take away computer privileges unless for school.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Maybe you could set up an appointment with one of his school counselors to talk about measures you can take. They are trained in teen sex and prevention. It's not uncommon for a parent to speak with their children's counselor and you can even do it in confidentiality, asking that he doesn't even know you're there. They can even bring in your son and talk to him (separately) to find out why he feels that he must have sex at his age and try to help him realize it's just safer to wait. They deal with a lot of kids and a lot of parents, they are no stranger to any question you could have for them. Get some ideas about after school activities (hint: sports) from the counselor and ways that you could "test" his maturity to whether he is ready to try to stay at home alone for a short time again or not and ways he could get your trust back.

Read the article =)

One thing parents have in common: they all have kids. :eek: They may understand just what you're going through with his teen angst and being of the same culture as you (as each town has a different way of acting, feeling, etc) they may be able to be of more help than complete strangers. You don't have to out your son- in fact, it would be better that you didn't since he had to come out to you before he was ready- but they could still provide insight on your situation. Who knows, maybe they have a problem you've been through and you can help them in return.

 

You didn't do anything to cause it and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. He was always gay, he just didn't know it, and when he did know it, apparently he was afraid to come out to you.

My grandma had 7 children, and three of them were LGBT. Of the grandchildren, 4 of us are LGBT. We never chose it, it just runs in the family, just like gray hair at an early age. I got that gene too.

What triggers it is hormones: when you begin puberty and start to get interested in sex, a heterosexual person notices the opposite sex and a gay person notices the same sex and finds them attractive. It's a normal process that each and every one of us goes through.

 

You may be overly concerned. I won't use the word paranoid, because I think you have reason to be concerned. Understanding that he's in a difficult emotional situation, and going through things that fully grown adults would struggle to cope properly with... my mantra would be "trust but verify."

I wouldn't expect him to be fully cooperative in the beginning. Even cooperative at all. However, I'd be interested in knowing why he didn't feel he could be cooperative with the therapist? What exactly did she say? What exactly was the tone throughout the meeting between the therapist, yourself, and him? Did she give him the opportunity to speak? Did she ask you to leave the room so she could speak to him privately, giving him the opportunity to speak to her without you there?

Like I said several posts back, this is the reason you needed a therapist that could see you as often as possible. A therapist who could only see you once a month just wouldn't be able to help you - so it's good that you go twice next week.

Did the therapist give you any advice moving forward?

Take him to see a doctor, and see if there is any advice they can give to help him sort himself back to a normal sleep schedule. The lack of sleep and irregular sleep patterns is only making things more difficult for him. Getting back into a normal sleep schedule and several good nights of long and restful sleep should be a top priority. Not only will it help him manage his stress and anxiety better, but it will hopefully also have a positive impact on mood. I'm sure you know how cranky and moody you can get when you aren't getting enough sleep - the same is true for him. Add stress and anxiety on top of that, plus teenage hormones, and well... it's not really a fun mix.

Definitely. This is why she could make a good resource to lean on and get emotional support and advice. Even if you don't agree with everything she says or suggests, it could help. After all, she has a gay son exactly the same age as yours. She likely felt similar feelings as you in the beginning, and could probably help you understand how she worked through them.

It's normal for most parents to feel this way, even those who know with complete scientific certainty that it's false. The truth is nothing you say or do can change ANYONE'S sexual orientation. You couldn't change your older son's sexual orientation from straight to gay, and you can't change your younger son's sexual orientation from gay to straight. Neither can you change your own sexual orientation from straight to lesbian. This is because all of our understanding and evidence shows sexual orientation is a biological process - straight, gay, bisexual, and anything else that may exist out there - it's all pretty much baked into the pie by the time you are born.

We don't fully understand exactly what causes sexual orientation yet, because it's a complicated process. This is true for ALL sexual orientation - we don't know what exactly makes someone straight anymore than we know what exactly makes someone gay or bisexual. The best science we have on the matter is that it's a combination of genetic factors and processes that takes place with early development in the womb. Regardless, these are all things that take place before your child is even born.

I could go off on a side tangent about how it's ridiculous that gay people even need to rely on this type of evidence to validate our existence. After all, can you remember the last time you had to validate your sexual orientation to your parents or complete strangers with, "I'm sorry, it's not my fault. I was just born this way."? That's a side issue for another time, though.

What's important here is to understand that heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality are all normal variations of human sexuality. To the extent that one is viewed less desirable than another, that's a cultural thing. There are other cultures that take radically different views on being gay. In the end, regardless of how humans view it through a cultural lens, being gay is normal. We see homosexuality present in literally hundreds of other non-human species in nature.

When you start to understand that fact, and see it through this lens - accepting your son as gay becomes much easier. It becomes just part of who he is - just like being straight is part of who you are.

 

I don't really recommend a drug screening. I remember his original posts here when he talked about his difficulty sleeping as a result of anxiety and stress.

Let's be clear - the anxiety and stress is a result of the situation he is in. If he's turning to substances to manage his emotions, it's because of the situation he is in. There was alcohol in the home, which he might have gotten into, but that's now been removed.

These are all concerns that should be addressed with the therapist. I think forcing a drug test, at this stage, would just be further damaging and make the situation worse.

Him turning to substances to manage his emotions is absolutely a huge concern. However, these risks are best lowered and mitigated by getting control on the situation. A lot rests on the shoulders of his mother at this point, since she controls his home environment, and is a major - if not THE major - contributing factor to the problems he is facing. Until and unless she gets in a better place where she can actually be supportive and helpful to her son, the situation is only going to get worse.

A forced drug test would only further destroy whatever trust is there, create a larger rift, and ultimately solve nothing. We should just be moving forward with the understanding that her son is at high risk, as anyone would be in his situation. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant to the risk factors, and until the situation with his mother is dealt with there won't be any improvement and the risk that he will turn to substances to help manage his emotions will only increase with time.

A focus on helping him manage his stress, anxiety, likely depression, and sleep will go a long way toward helping reduce the risks as well.

 

So, been following this thread off and on.

I noticed a couple of issues that I thought I might weigh in on. Apologies in advance if things have moved past these by this point, but I thought it might help. In no particular order:

a) You worry about your son being somehow less masculine either because he's gay or because he prefers to bottom. Whether your son ends up being more masculine or feminine is really just a matter of personality, not orientation. While more feminine (or fem) gay guys are more visible and usually get the most media attention, there are also lots of masculine gay guys around. They just aren't as visible. There are gay police, firefighters, doctors, medics, construction workers, athletes, and soldiers going about their business around you every day. Here are some quick links:

College football linebacker was openly gay and embraced by his teammates - Outsports

Michael Sam - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

(if you're not familiar with American football, the players are generally rather big and strong guys)

Openly gay athletes - Sporting News

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gareth_Thomas_(rugby)

Big week planned for Bingham Cup

For openly gay jock, coming out to teammates the hardest part | National Post

https://www.facebook.com/outmilitary

Gay British soldier talks about coming out to his comrades | UK news | The Guardian

Note that these are just links I could grab in a few minutes of searching google. There are certainly many more.

More (most) importantly, while my intent here is to provide you with examples of gay men who don't fit the more 'fem' stereotype you may have of us in mind, there is also absolutely nothing wrong with that type of gay guy either. They just are as they are (and it could be argued that in their own way they are even stronger than the 'big and manly' guys since they cannot pass as straight but have to just be themselves for all the world to see from the start.

Note also that being 'fem' doesn't mean being weak. I did martial arts in college for a while, learning enough to know various ways of crippling or killing another person with my bare hands if I wanted to. And while I'm not a small and fem kind of gay guy, I was gay the whole time. More importantly, there were women in the local martial arts community who were both very petite and also black belts. Seeing them in action I have no doubt they could have taken me apart like wet cardboard any time they wanted. And a fem gay guy with the right training could readily do the same.

Regardless of how your son turns out in this regard, he will be perfect just that way because that will be the way he naturally is.

b) You mention several times having an issue with your son engaging in anal sex and taking the bottom role since you seem to see it as weak or degrading. Couple of things to think about here:

1) While I'm not aware of any formal studies on the matter, in my experience (both in life and in EC) relatively few gay men are exclusively either tops or bottoms. Most are what is termed 'versatile' meaning they may take either role depending on circumstances or their mood or just over the course of switching roles back and forth in the course of the sex act. What this means is that there's good odds that a majority of the big strong guys I linked to above - probably bottom at least part of the time. Some maybe exclusively. Yet they still manage to be big, strong athletes or soldiers or whatever. Simply engaging in one particular role in the bedroom (or even preferring that role) has nothing whatsoever to do with how one behaves in the world or deals with other aspects of life.

2) Unless your son has indicated that he felt degraded by bottoming, there is no reason to think that he is being degraded. Unless the boy he is seeing is treating him badly or disrespecting him (meaning deliberately being mean to him) as a result (meaning he is trying to degrade him), then the act of anal intercourse is no more degrading than the act of vaginal intercourse.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

I think she should be absolutely sure about the drug thing before she gets him a drug screening myself.

At this point I imagine her son already feels like he's basically nothing in her eyes. I doubt he has that strong a sense of self anymore, especially given the way she is describing his current behavior and sleep problems. I think the last thing she wants to do is drag him to a drug screening without having a reasonable justification for it.

I fear it'll only send the message that she's now gone ahead and decided that since he's everything else he might as well be a druggie too.

 

I would consider the possibility that he may be following this thread unless there was a way to block him. That will at this point influence the follow up action.

 

I disagree with Chip. Chances are he had a spliff because he heard about the things it does (watch any Seth Rogen movie) and thought it would help.

If there was further evidence of drug use I could see the point in bringing him to a drug screening process, but marching him off to get tested for cocaine and meth because he might have had one joint during an incredibly stressful time of his life? That's overkill. Like Aldrick said that will just cause a greater rift, it's another trust issue.

That's what you need to do. Deal with the root of the problem.

Drugs screening if there's further evidence of drug use? Yes. Drugs screening at this stage? No.

 

I would agree if I thought the signs were there. However, I know for a fact (having actually spoken to him) that his sleeping issues are a result of the stress and anxiety he is experiencing. I also know that his stress and anxiety is a result of the situation.

Let me make no mistake, though. He's at high risk for substance abuse. Though, at least at the moment, that substance is likely to be alcohol. With that being removed from the home, it isn't leaving him with much to turn too. With his mother's strict level of control, him getting access to other substances seems unlikely.

It's also important to keep in mind that all of this behavior only began a few weeks ago. If he's using any other substance aside from alcohol it's likely pot. I simply don't believe that he's using meth or cocaine - based on the conversations I've had (and still having) with him.

Based off of those conversations, and the fragility of the situation, I just can't recommend jumping to conclusions without making things worse.

My opinion changes only if she has some high degree of proof. As a result, my stance is that this is something she should bring up and talk to the therapist about. The therapist should be the one to make the recommendations based off the evidence and situation. This absolutely should not be a decision that his mother makes unilaterally on her own without the advice and support of the therapist.

 

MumWithAGayKid -

He does need to be vaccinated against Hep A, Hep B, and HPV. Those are all standard vaccines for gay men that are recommended.

However, I don't think it's possible to sneak in a drug test. Honestly, I can't really stress enough the need to speak this over with the therapist. Since she's also having private sessions with your son, she will have greater insight into him and his behavior than anyone here. Additionally, she'll have a better chance of getting him to admit to any substance abuse, and then properly counseling him regarding the issue. If there are signs and the like involved of substance abuse, she will know them and will be able to counsel you on how to properly handle it.