Getting closer

Yeah, I have accepted that I'm 7-9 on the spectrum. I've tried so hard with men to make that be enough. I have romantic notions of that - or at least I thought I did. But now I'm at a point in my life where I just give zero fucks. I literally could not ignore my gay side anymore. I can't and I don't want to. It's almost unbearable how much this drive takes over when you finally accept who you are.

 

Yes.

 

People get concerned with labels,however I believe its not about absolutes....nothing is ever static including sexual orientation. We are attracted to whom ever we are attracted to at the moment....it does not have to be constant we can take people for who they are not their sex. We like or we are attracted to the individual there sex is just what it is.....I am a goldstar lesbian but I have liked men.....labels confuses living...in my opinion (and that and a dollar can get you a small coffee at mc'cydees) we should just live and love whom ever we want. No worries.

 

Gosh I resonate so much with what you all are saying right now it's unreal. It's relieving to know I'm not the only one who feels/felt that way. (Totally been stalking your guys' threads btw, I'm totally not a creeper haha.)

 

I tell you what... I hope it gets **less intense** after we start getting some experience. Because this shit right now is intolerable.

 

I agree. You like who you like. A physical attraction is helpful. But I think it should be more than that. If relationships are meant to last then there has to be talking involved. And sharing the same interests. Relationships are work. They require cooperation on both sides. It's much better if it isn't one sided. I would rather have a connection with a person's soul than solely based on looks alone.

 

I think I was able to be somewhat content knowing that I’m attracted to girls for so long because I thought it was only sexual attraction. It was easier to push aside in my mind, if that makes any sense. But the past year I’ve realized I desire an emotional connection to a woman as well. A deep relationship on all levels.

 

I agree it can't all be on looks otherwise the longevity of it may come under question. I think their has to be physical attraction and mental attraction, attraction to their mind and the person they are. You have to love them entirely even their faults.

 

I definitely feel where you are coming from. I'm at a similar place and it's hard. I love my husband and I want so much for our family to stay intact. I keep trying even though I've finally admitted I'm gay. He no longer initiates sex with me but I do with him on occasion, in hopes something will feel different . In hopes that somehow my naivety will return and we can go on living our unfragmented life as we were. That can't happen. The struggles have spoken for themselves. They have been very real and I have to tell myself that they have existed for a reason. I would have never chose to struggle this way, in a million years.

Rjay is right. The experience helps, it's not necessary but it really seals the deal. I knew my attraction was there. I knew I was in love with my "ex" ( I still can't bring myself to call her that fully, but I will for practice). When we were first intimate together it was one of the most fulfilling personal experiences of my life. It was the culmination of nostalgic feelings, desires, comforts I've always felt and had never been able to name or give a home. All my anxieties were gone from love and intimacy, they had a home. I can't even begin to convey to you the gravity. For the first time ever I felt fully and completely me. Of course, being married and having two kids at home I tried to explain it away as "new love", "new experience"...so much would be at stake otherwise.

As time rolled on a short trips away together where no one knew us and we could be a couple out in the world together became more and more necessary to me. I love her, of course, but I began to realize that a big part of that was having that chance to live the kind of life that felt like home to me. That ultimately was how I found myself where I am today. I can't have that life with her and I can't have that life with him but I can be me and I have to consider trying. My heart breaking over my relationship with her has halted that move forward and why I feel I keep trying to be close to him again. It's very disorienting. Ultimately I know what I need....to be seen for who I am. So on my good days I take those baby steps forward and on my bad days I cry and grieve (this has been a bad one)

I just know Searching1 that you have to listen to that voice inside, it's crucial and who you are. Listen to it on the days you can and sit and heal on the days you can't. That voice HAS to be there for a reason.

 

Mabel I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle and I hope things turn around for you soon. Hugs to you

 

Thanks to everyone for sharing I too feel like a door has opened inside me and all these new feelings are so intense and I think about being with women all the time! Sometimes I feel that I've finally found the real me and I should embrace it and go with it but that seems so scary as what if I'm wrong I feel like I need more concrete proof. And then other times I think I'm just crazy and it will pass or I just crave that affection and for some reason I have latched onto the idea that I will get this more from a women. I'm 34 and have never met anyone I've been attracted to and started to think I was asexual or just maybe been unlucky. I have thought over the years I might be gay but just shrugged it off and never gave it any thought until now. Seeing a therapist on Sunday which I'm terrified about as We don't talk about this sort of stuff in our family, we hide our emotions. I feel I definitely need help though as I've been thinking this way for a year and feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life already and want my life to change and feel I can be a lot happier than I am now.

 

Yeah she is pretty special, we were pretty special. I'm sure that, with time, our friendship will still be special. Even in the wake of our demise she still is being supportive of my journey...same with my husband. I appreciate both of them, so very much . I didn't want to saturate your thread with that though....

I guess the point I was trying to make, was what the whole experience taught me . What it taught me about myself. It was full on validation. And even with that, I still waver back and forth. It's not going away but I don't want to hurt him. Really though? I keep searching for certainty, can you get any more fucking certain that that ? That seemed what you where grappling with too.

I discussed it with my therapist today. She said, it's pretty simple, it's denial. It's your brain taking a break from the storm . Everything comes in waves, the acceptance comes in waves and the troughs are the denial. She told me this is the hardest part, the struggle before everything finally moves forward. The grief of letting go, and the acceptance of moving on .

That helped a little, but I would like it to just be a tsunami and be fucking done with. Then I can just make the mess nice and tidy again , And patch everybody back up again. I just want to live in truth. I think you and I are both in A place where we are both weary for peace.

Sorry about any grammar errors or random capitalized words. I'm walking my dog and using talk to text.

Stay strong. Hugs.

 

Hey I know it's really tough but let's say for a moment you come out as gay and after a year or two you decide you were wrong and your not gay or you fall for a guy, what's the worst that can happen? Are you in a relationship at the moment?

 

Yes I guess when you put it like that it's not like the world is going to end or anything but people are so judgemental etc which is probably why I'm in this mess in the first place as all I've done all my life is be who I think I should be based and family and society etc and not who I am. It probably all started from school because if you were different then you were the talk of the school and no one wants that so probably taught myself to just fit in which is also why I don't let anyone in and trust them fully. No I've never had a relationship but would really like one but am not in the right place yet but think I'm getting there. I actually had a chat to my sister yesterday and told her everything and she said she didn't care what I am as long as I'm happy but probably best to not say anything to the family until I'm 100% sure and in a relationship as they probably won't take it well which was my thinking anyway so I do feel a small weight has been lifted by talking to her this week and posting on here. She's my twin and is similar to me that she hasn't had a relationship either as we both have focused on our own businesses but I also think it's partly due to our family problems and parents divorcing etc that we never really dealt with.

 

Well that's does sound like a positive conversation with your sister. Baby steps that's all you need. I didn't mean to make it sound like it's easy it really isn't but it's something that was stopping me from coming out. I like you had never been in any kind of relationship and eventually I just got to the point where I was so fed up of feeling confident that I was probably gay and then doubting myself at the thought of telling anyone that I just thought you know what's the worst that can happen. I come out as gay and then change my mind. Sure like you say people will talk but before you know it someone's else will have done something else and they will all be talking about that instead.