Getting closer

Reading all of this gave me goosebumps. It all just resonates so much. This is such an incredibly tough journey. A constant push and pull. I read something in an article about going through divorce.. something like "if you keep going down the path, getting pulled in a certain direction, then it's probably what you really want". This is exactly what it is like. Why would I keep pulling myself this way if I didn't actually want it? Something all along has been making me continue riding this journey. And I keep finding myself wanting it all to be true.

Thanks for the response, @NeonSocks. It makes me feel better knowing we are all in this together. EC is amazing.

 

Thanks for sharing, @RJay! That is so amazing you got such incredible validation on Friday night. I truly think at this point this is what I need. I'm pretty sure it would be amazing, but I think until I get lost in a kiss or physical experience, I'm going to keep in wondering. I wish it didn't have to be so dramatic as a break, but the point of the break is so I can explore this. I hope that then I will really, truly know.

 

Thank you SO much for sharing, @leb10. That sounds so refreshing to have a break for yourself on your own. I really think that would help me at this point so much. It is incredibly conflicting being at home as a family, in "normal" life, seeing bits and pieces of normalcy constantly. I am going to the Bay Area during a break I have in a week to go visit friends. I am so excited for a mini escape on my own!

Thanks for the advice. I am trying so hard to keep true to myself despite the confusion and opinions (oh so many..) of others.

 

This is so me! I've always been like, "what's the big deal?" And have been annoyed when he just wants it SO bad. Now having experienced the intensity of crushes and thinking of women.. I'm like oh wow I need this I get it.

Last night I tried so hard to be receptive while having sex with my husband. I tried desperately to not keep a wall up, to try and get into it. He was insanely turned on to start so I tried to reciprocate. I just couldn't! I got so discouraged. Like, wow I just cannot get into it even if I want to! Absolutely nothing down there for me. Even if I'm in a more unsure place this week, trying to have sex with my husband reminds me of everything. Like, "oh yes that's right, this is because I am probably gay". Having to think of women to get off has been the norm for a while now.

 

Haha!! Go ahead I know right... it's like, uh what other evidence do I need??

I admit reading that comment made me smile stupidly and get butterflies.... funny. It's like it really is what I want.

 

Nah. It's definitely not that. If anything, it could just be him or something could be turned off with him currently for me. But I'm thinking it's not just that.

 

I agree, friends will be so nice to see during this crazy time. The two I am defiantly seeing already know. I've chatted on the phone once with one and the other I've been texting a lot since it came up. It will be so so nice to get support and spend time with them in person. I also plan to see many from my old playgroup. I don't *plan* on telling them (who knows). I thought some were my good friends but I realized as soon as I left it really was more surface-level. It will regardless be nice to see familiar friends from before this all started.

 

This sounds so much like me! I know what you wrote in my wall before was pretty spot on. It's like I can't kick the idea of being someone bisexual at least.. it's like I can't accept the possibility of not being into men at all. Maybe that makes me on the 7-9 end of the spectrum but all I know is yeah.. the feelings I get is thinking of women sexually literally make me weak in the knees and helpless. It's like my heart skips a beat. I have never felt that for a man. Don't know why it's so hard for me to fully just embrace it. Maybe I'm just not a "black and white" person and using ultimate labels really just may freak me out. Almost like I can't take it back once I do.