Getting closer

I read through the last two pages of posts and just really appreciate everyone's willingness to share some really raw stuff. I love you guys. I feel less alone knowing you all are out there.

Has anyone heard of the book (graphic novel based on the author's life) and subsequent musical Fun Home? It won some Tony's in 2014 and it's available on Spotify. It is seriously heavy stuff (tears warning!) but it's about a girl coming out in college and some secrets her parents have been dealing with that are very related to this conversation. Ring of Keys and Telephone Wires are both fantastic but Party Dress and particularly Days and Days really hit home. Curious if anyone else is familiar with it in the context of trying to make a relationship work and the burden of inauthenticity

 

I have thought about this question a lot. And here's my theory. I'm thinking that the gender we have the most sexual attraction towards would also be the gender that everything would be "better" with. Wouldn't that make sense? So, if I could never be truly lost and vulnerable in sexual intimacy with a man, I would also not be able to truly partner with one to face all the highs and lows of life. We just wouldn't "click". That said, you think you are fine with your husband in every other way. Maybe that's true. But maybe you couldn't really know that unless you tried something else? Maybe what you think is working is actually a pale reproduction of something that would work on a whole other level.

The only thing I have so far in terms of personal experience is that when I thought I was straight, I never wanted to be married, have a house, have kids, etc. The vision of me having a family with a man was always completely foreign and distasteful. I did it anyway just to shut people up. Now, I haven't tried it with a woman yet, obviously, but honestly just **thinking** about a committed marriage with V where we raise kids together and run a home together makes me absolutely giddy. There was NEVER a guy in my life that I could picture doing that with and feel anything but dread.

These are just my musings and ramblings...

 

I love the analogy of peeling an onion, I've been saying that for years. It's the only way I've been able to explain this.

Here is the thing I tell myself over and over, because I keep asking myself if it's "really that important". Would I agonize and ask myself that over and over for years if it weren't ? There has to be something to that? My husband said that before me even. He said "you need to just be able to call yourself gay, this is real, this is you, I need to hear you say it so I'm sure you need to hear yourself say it."

As far as the experience? I really don't think you need it, it helps, you don't need it though. I guess that's what I was trying to say. I still question things, I still need more proof? Because we love and care about our husbands we ruminate. Everything will change, for them and us. So we want to be sure. I'm getting to the point where I'm weary, my hope is that I tire of the ebb and flow and just go with it....it's gotta be how acceptance happens.

 

I think the question whilst maybe difficult to answer is do you think you would call yourself gay if you didn't have a husband. I know it's not necessarily that simple but perhaps something to consider and I know it doesn't change your current situation.

 

Yeah I totally get that. Not that it's entirely the same thing but when I was first coming to terms with the fact I was gay i went through this whole period of 'how do I be gay', as in like what do gay people do, as though I was supposed to have been given some sort of handbook and guidelines on induction but somehow they had missed me out and now I find myself with no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. It took me ages to realise that there isn't any way to be gay I just have to be myself and myself is gay.

 

Love this!

 

I loved this! I totally remember that feeling. I started searching out anything I could find about the gay community--magazines, books, whatever. I have this great book called something like Gay and Lesbian Etiquette, if you can believe it. Turns out, it's not that much different from regular etiquette.

 

I love the onion thing too. My therapist gave me a similar analogy. You know the hard candy Gobstoppers (or Jaw Breakers)-they are covered with colorful layers and layers. And, as you get into the center a white core is revealed. He actually googled a picture of a broken open Gobstopper to show me just how many layers. He called the white center the place of authenticity, the real stuff of a person, and where true beauty and peace lies. He was saying how I am making great progress with living from my core and revealing my core. But I tend to panic and go back into hiding myself; running back to my 'comfort zone' of one of the outer- most layers. This really resonated with me!

Funny how we forget about these little 'tells' from years ago. I remember many years ago (15 or so!) a new girl started at work. She was an out lesbian. I was married at the time. In the lunchroom one day I mentioned my husband. She looked right at me and said, 'You're married? Oh. I thought you were a lesbian.' (This is stereotypical but for context, but I'm quite feminine in my style, so not likely appearance wouldn't have been a give-away.) I was taken aback by her comment! But WOW was her gaydar ever right on target! YEARS before my own gaydar of ME!

I'm still FB friends with this girl, though no other connection.. Have thought about sending her a message, 'Hey Mary, just wanted to let you know. You were right!!!'

 

OMG this totally happened to me when I was working in a summer job as a pony trekking instructor. I am still friends with one of them, I'm sure she enjoyed the moment I came out to her haha

 

Wow, big steps searching1! I wish you guys the best as you figure out what normal looks like for a few months. Also, I can only imagine how much that couples session threw you. I'm not sure I'm 100% on board with her approach?

 

Good for you! I agree that therapists approached seemed sketchy, but maybe she was looking to your reaction. I know when someone brings up things for me "to try" and see if I can go back I get very defensive. I think it's because some really hard emotional work got us to where we are. I don't like that to be messed with, it hasn't been easy and the thought of going back causes angst....even though sometimes I wish I could go back and just not know.

 

I know it's scary but I think these massive steps are going to be really good for you