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Feeling completely unhinged right now.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Dinah, May 7, 2014.

  1. Dinah

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    It was more that such commitments involve some type of church based "class" or whatever that digs into the reasons and morals and benefits of said commitments. A process of learning and (keyword) self-discovery.

    All I got instead was some stupid meaningless cheap gold ring that someone probably pawned off for gambling money or some other vice. It lacked any symbolic significance for me.

    I too am an Aqua-Pisces, all hail the amethyst army...
    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 09:17 PM ----------

    In all fairness I suspect my mom probably just assumed I only wanted an excuse to wear a ring. I didn't really explain in any specific way what my intentions or desires were in that regard.
     
  2. Dinah

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    Gender Dysphoria is a Real Bummer | Michellelianna

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 11:48 PM ----------

    Feelings of profound sadness are now constantly clouding my mind (in such a way as that of the death of a loved one), "grief stricken" actually to be more to the truth of it.

    My previous need or desire to "cry it all out" now seems misplaced or perhaps at least premature. As though, like a child, I'd fallen and injured myself and sought comfort and solace from the liberal shedding of tears. Tears well spent, no less, but lacking the potency to diminish my misery.
     
    #122 Dinah, Jun 24, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2014
  3. Dinah

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    Woo, just got full member!! (!) (!)

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2014 at 12:18 AM ----------

    My wife bought some newfangled shiny pretty hair straightener and wants to use it to experiment on my hair (for her own reasons). I can't begin to express how badly I want to just yell out "Yes!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!"

    #oneofthesedays

    :icon_sad:
     
  4. ProtegeMoi

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    Maybe you can bond over your hair. If she sees how happy you look, it might help you ease into doing more feminine things with her?

    Btw, you post at some crazy times! Can't sleep or do you wait for her to sleep so that she doesn't see you on EC?
     
  5. Dinah

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    Bit of both, only so many hours in her work day.
     
  6. Dinah

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    Getting EXTREMELY fucking tired of professionals telling me "that I'm (just) depressed, go get a prescription which won't actually cure the depression/anxiety."

    ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2014 at 08:10 PM ----------

    Was killing time wandering the outdoor mall, saw this knee length black dress and a strapless green one, really had me turning my head to stare at them as long as possible while I was walking by that window display. Walked by it again on the way back to the car.

    :tantrum::***::tears::tantrum:
     
  7. Dinah

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    Sooo my wife is gone on vacation with my mom and sisters etc....girls thing, and I desperately need and want to find someone in my area to talk to about my gender identity issues, there are a few therapists that I could meet with but I'd much rather meet another transwoman that I could go to and pick their brain. All that said, if anyone knows of someone in the northwest arkansas area either therapist or transwoman, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    Once I came to the conclusion that I am what I am, I am much more miserable and scared and uncertain of where I go from here.
     
  8. Dinah

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    Gonna paint a mental picture of what I'm feeling now.

    The woman inside my mind is locked in a cage inside a dark room inside a building with no doors and no windows. Her cage is suspended far from any walls or ceiling or floor by several chains connected at each corner of the cage both top and bottom. The suspending chains are in turn bolted far above and below onto the nearest walls to prevent the cage from swinging around too much in any direction. The woman in the cage had been mostly pacified and subdued for a very long time, but some thing changed which allowed to gain some increased degree of self-awareness. Upon realizing her situation, she begins lashing out in a fit of panic progressing into fear and rage and desperation and hopelessness. In this fit of strong emotional outbursts she begins shaking, rattling, and thrashing around in the cage with such strength and forceful anger that the entire building begins to shake as though hit by an earthquake. The floor and ceiling begin to buckle, cracks appear in the walls near the chain anchor-points. The cage begins to rock and swing back and forth, and begins to drop in sudden motions towards the floor as the chains lose their grip on the walls. The ealls have begin to crumble just enough that now light is creeping in but not quute enough that the imprisoned woman can see anything outside the walls.
     
  9. Dinah

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    If gender dysphoria is like having an old tv or radio tuned in to an inactive channel and giving off audio/visual white noise that never stops.....

    I can't tune these thoughts/feelings out now that I know it's real and know what it is.
     
  10. Dinah

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    Twice now I've asked my wife (jokingly), "if I was a lesbian, would you still love me?" Her response, given that my asking was somewhat intentionally dubious and misleading, was "yes, if I shaved my beard."

    A question that as of yet I can't expect an honest, serious answer due to the silly manner in which I have asked her.

    I hope that sooner or later I can find the courage to 'really' ask her truthfully.

    In other news, things totally unrelated to gender identity said by my mother to my wife about my mother's negative opinions of my involvement in freemasonry and my love of all things dungeons & dragons rpg behind my back have me reeling in fear of the possibility of never being able to come clean to her (my mother).
     
    #130 Dinah, Jul 20, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2014
  11. Dinah

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    I have asked my wife several times " if i was a lesbian if she would still love me", im on the brink of her leaving because im always angry and miserably unhappy about where im at now in my mind and being currently unable to come out with it. She hasnt yet taken that question seriously as she probably assumes im just being silly like i do sometimes. Aside from that i think i already know what her answer would be and part of me wants my marriage to end but i dont want to lose her.
     
  12. Dinah

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    Growing up I was extremely obsessed with dating females and never thought twice about it, to the point where I was always distraught over the idea of being single for any amount of time. I've begun to realize now that it goes much deeper than that, I feel as though I am and have always been a lesbian and just didn't realize it because I didnt know/understand anything about transgender, and being raised in a very religious family I never wouldve been able to express that w/o condemnation from my parents and I still fear that might still happen anyway. So if ever there was a part of me that "knew" I was trans I buried it so deep that all I could do to satisfy those feelings was to want to be with a girlfriend and interest myself in more feminine activities and thoughts as an observer on the outside looking in. Dance, ballet, ice skating/dancing, gymnastics, femnist/female vocalist music preferences ( Sarah McLachlan, Fiona Apple, Jewel, etc.)
     
  13. Kai LD

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    I feel where you're coming from, Adia. (*hug*)
    edit: I remember kind of liking Britney etc in high school and being 'whelp never admitting to that out loud'. Lots of things were like that.
     
  14. Dinah

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    Heh ya i actually had one of those stickers you get for a quarter coin op machine, which turned out to be some sparkly pic of Britney in jeans and a pink tank or tshirt. Totally kept it and stuck on one of my personal notebooks, call it a journal or diary or whatever. #shameless

    ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2014 at 10:40 AM ----------

    For a while now I've been watching various Twitch.tv and Youtube minecraft broadcasters, mostly Soaryn and Direwolf20 of the Forgecraft team and just found out last night that among the Forgecraft members are a few openly out transwomen. One has begun transition the other lacks the funds. I will definitely be watching their streams.

    Minalien

    ArashiDragon
     
    #134 Dinah, Aug 15, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2014
  15. Dinah

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    My wife did me up in some mascara and eyeliner? I think?? I played the reluctant victim who wouldn't be allowed to say no but of course I wanted to let her do it.

    In response to me blinking and squinting etc because of things in close proximity to my eyes (my wife comments) "you definitely wouldn't make it as a woman". (A rather unfair assumption) Does she know?!? Or was that just another off handed remark.

    A couple comments my wife made during this 'experiment'.

    "You have really long lashes" -- I've been told many times, more than I can count, that I have very girly eyelashes and that has always made me feel special somehow.

    "Some woman somewhere got robbed of long lashes" -- yeah no fucking shit, but rather these eyelashes got robbed of their rightful place.

    When it was all said and done I immediately took a shower to remove any evidence and cry it out if I needed to (I didn't cry but anyway), I felt angry because I want so badly to have those sorts of experiences and be permitted to enjoy them rather than be forced to put on a show of impotent rage and false masculinity.
     
  16. Dinah

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  17. Dinah

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  18. Dinah

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    Getting closer to coming out to my mother, despite her reassurances of unconditional love I'm fucking scared as hell.

    Edited part of a conversation (below) with my mother and my planned response (in parentheses).
    What are your thoughts EC?

    "You are sensitive -

    (Have you ever wondered why I've always been so vulnerable and sensitive? Why, I was such a troubled kid, or depressed, why at recess times I played alone or didn't want to play outside, why I have always been angry and standoffish, why I hated school, why I only had 1 real friend who was odd in his own ways, why none of those pre-packaged mental health labels never suited me, why I was SO extremely obsessed with dating girls, why I never liked sports, why I quit Taekwondo w/o an explanation, why I hid upstairs in my room 90% of the time I was at home, why comments about my girly eyelashes were always to me 'compliments', why I never cared about or liked my physical appearance, why I hate myself so much, then and now, why I decided to grow my hair out as long as I have?)


    You really don't NEED me.

    (That is not now and has never been true. I have always needed you the same way that <sister 1> or <sister 2> has, with the exception of specific body issues, I have those same emotional needs as either of them.)

    I've always loved you <me> - I will always love you. You couldn't do ANYTHING to change that. This mother's love is unending. "

    ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2014 at 10:41 AM ----------

    [yt]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4[/yt]

    I'm trying to get there......

    :tears::tears::tears::tears:
     
  19. Kai LD

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    We have a lot in common, Adia. Trying to let go of things you've been doing as though it was 'really' you... Not easy.