Feeling completely unhinged right now.

http://www.dresswe.com/item/10834392.html

 

Yeah I love the seaweed wrap design.

---------- Post added 13th Dec 2014 at 11:45 PM ----------

That and the beady stuff on the bust.

 

How so? Sadly, I know little to nothing about women's formal wear aside from what is visually appealing to me.

 

Tonight, I'm far from being "okay", I've been busily and hastily digesting all the transgender and lesbian content that my soggy eyes can handle on autostraddle's website.

I'm not okay because all the things I've read are things that I have felt to varying degrees or things of a particular queer bent that I, without knowing why, have always been drawn to and interested in, and WTF?!?! Why did I never see all these feelings and interests for what they were?

I sit here more convinced than ever before that I am in the right state of mind and on the right path of self-discovery.

I could write a book on all the parallels between my experiences, interests and feelings and those written about by other trans and/or lesbian individuals.

I'm deeply saddened by the time lost and the struggling to break free of the repressive attitudes (from myself and others) that have held me prisoner all these years.

---------- Post added 21st Dec 2014 at 09:14 PM ----------

I need a stiff drink, please somebody make it happen and make it a double.

---------- Post added 21st Dec 2014 at 09:24 PM ----------

Went to my cousin's wedding today and I'm recalling my own wedding 4 years ago, wishing I'd had this same self-awareness and clarity of mind back then. Hell I just wish I'd given myself permission to ask myself the tough questions and to think of myself and my needs beyond just finding love and a stable job.

Hindsight: being loved by others is worthless and trivial if at first you don't learn to love yourself or worse to actively harbor such extreme self-loathing and self-hatred.

---------- Post added 21st Dec 2014 at 09:36 PM ----------

Possibly some asexual tendencies stemming from my general attitude of indifference to sex beyond frequent compulsory masturbation as stress-relief and the occasional craving for going down on my wife.

TMI but right now I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!! I just want happy, I want MY version of normal, I want the body I'm supposed to have and I want to be with my wife in my correct body.

 

Another thing that's been bothering me lately is the idea that (in art terms) the sum of all my life experiences, interests, feelings etc. I mistook them as individual unrelated ethereal unimportant in the bigger picture, one which (I thought) resembled a collage whose end result was that of just a "normal guy", (nothing to see here). Whereas now, I see that collage but the composite aesthetic nature has blended and blurred and the over-arching image is no longer a "normal guy" but rather a male body with a deeper secret feminist lesbian buried behind a hollow (Mona Lisa) smile that betrays my utter dissatisfaction and tempestous mind.

I don't see a man in that picture, I see the painting of "Venus Rising From the Sea" with it's implication of Venus having been born from a shell.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_Anadyomene_(Titian)

 

Asked my wife to paint my toenails, I feel "funny" and by that I mean warm and fuzzy and a little bit excited...

And sad.

 

Happy fucking new year. May this one not suck, hurt, depress, kick you when your down, curb stomp your face into ground beef. Ah fuck it who the hell am I kidding, nothing changes, all of that "it gets better" shit happens to all the other not me's in this world.

Do me a favor and send me all of your sedatives, your uppers, your downers, your illegal substances, endless rivers of booze and generally anything that can help me "numb" my way through yet another miserable 12 months of gender captivity.

Happy fucking new year indeed.

 

I need to get the fuck out of Arkansas.

 

I'll be alright, just gotta find a way to make it happen. I know I tend to express myself in a borderline suicidal manner but I refuse to be beaten down by anyone or anything. I suffer much, same as anyone else here but I will not be defeated.

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2015 at 10:37 AM ----------

My continued existence is the ultimate "fuck you" to a world so full of hatred. I grew up aware and accepting of the fact that I didn't fit in despite a lack of understanding why but now I am trying to learn to really embrace that and create my own place in the world.

 

Feeling kinda down tonight, got a call today fora paying gig on Sunday that has me driving north to Colorado on Sunday but I had planned on going to go sit in on a gender identity peer support group. Now I'll have to wait another 2-4 weeks for the next one.

:bang:

 

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely look into that, I've been dying to connect with those groups since November but life keeps interfering.

 

So due to a slight scheduling shift I managed to make it to the transwomens support group which was just myself and one other who has been volunteering at the local equality center. She was really nice but I was super nervous before and during the whole thing. Almost even bugged out and left but managed to get past that.

---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 06:34 PM ----------

I hope I can make it back again soon. She mentioned that local trans friendly resources are not as nonexistent as I thought they were, sorely lacking in organization and visibility but they're there.