Feeling completely unhinged right now.

It is nice to be able to get some friends and family in your corner, I've told my older brother and oldest younger sister and they took it well enough if not with at most passive indifference, idk for sure but it could've been worse.

---------- Post added 26th Aug 2014 at 01:48 PM ----------

Maybe I should deadline my mother as well, I've already been working the conversation in that direction as previously mentioned.

---------- Post added 26th Aug 2014 at 01:49 PM ----------

Wish you best of luck and hope for the best.

 

Can somebody please give me a mood emote for "meltdown in progress"???

I'm so tired of pretending and lying, and I need to do something soon before I crank it up to chernobyl and I don't want to push my wife away and lose her but I can't keep this locked inside anymore. It hurts so much....

 

Something occurred to me this morning while thinking about what I'm going through, how to deal with it and how to talk about it with others (mostly my wife).

I've been giving too much thought to All things "trans this or trans that". Rather than focus on labels and negative social gender related stigma all I need to do when I do eventually tell others is to explain all the little things that make feel I am trans instead of the "I am trans" bomb drop approach.

Things like eagerly agreeing to let my wife dress me up in makeup, or growing my hair out and why I did, etc..

 

I'm scared as hell right now, thinking about my gender identity all the time now nonstop, and how to go about telling my wife. Things between her and I aren't great but not terrible either. I don't want to lose her but I don't want to continue living behind this mask and the lie that my male body has forced me into. I don't believe she would ever accept this but I feel like I might lose her anyway because of my anger issues among other things (due in part to what I'm going through).

I feel trapped.

 

I had a dream last last night of a poisonous spider biting me, (mostly black with a red pin stripe around the sides of its thoracic area).

Spiders
To see a spider in your dream indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power or an overbearing mother figure in your life. Alternatively, a spider refers to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider in your dream, then it symbolizes misfortune and bad luck. To see a dead spider in your dream implies that you have overcome some strong feminine temptation.

To see a spider spinning a web in your dream signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will be promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are also a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you. Alternatively, if a spider is spinning a web in your dream, then it could be a metaphor for the world wide web and global communication. To see spider eggs in a web suggest that you are not able to fully acknowledge your potential. You are being held back from expressing yourself.
To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream denotes that your desires will be soon be realized. To dream that a spider is coming down on you from the ceiling indicates that you are unable to escape from some relationship. If you dream of baby spiders, then it symbolizes a new or recent relationship.


To dream that you are bitten by a spider represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.

If you eat a spider or dream that a spider is in your mouth symbolizes your control over a situation. You are not afraid to exert your dominance in a relationship.

Dream Moods: Your Dream Symbol Interpretation



Biting

To dream that you are being bitten represents your vulnerability regarding some unresolved issues or emotions. You may be pestered by a problem or obstacle. The dream may also be a metaphor indicating that you have bitten off more than you chew. Perhaps you have too much to handle.

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Venom

To come in contact with venom in your dream represents pent-up anger and hostility you may be expressing or experiencing from others. Perhaps, your feelings of hate are beginning to show through. Alternatively, the dream is indicative of a lack of self-esteem, lack of self-love, or insecurities you have.

 

Another aspect of the spider bite dream was a feeling of dying or that I was going to die.


Die

To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something. If you dream that someone is telling you that you are going die, then it implies that you are being pressured to make an important change or choice. You are about to embark on some new life adventure.
On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life.
To see someone dying in your dream signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person.

 

Red

Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.

Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.



Black

Black symbolizes the unknown, the subconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, rejection, hate or malice. The color invites you to delve deeper in your subconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. It also signifies a "lack of love" and lack of support. More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.


If the feeling in the dream is one of joy, then blackness could imply hidden spirituality and divine qualities.



White


White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. Or it may refer to a cover-up. In Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.



Hand

To dream of your hands represent your relationships with those around you and how you connect with the world. Hands serve as a form of communication and can represent authority, hate, protection, justice, etc depending on the gesture. Perhaps you need to lend a helping hand to someone. If someone else is giving you a helping hand, then it implies your need for help. Do not be afraid to ask for assistance or to depend on others from time to time. Moreover, the left hand symbolizes your graciousness and your feminine, receptive qualities, while the right hand symbolizes the masculine and active attributes. The right hand may also be a pun for some decision or something being "right". If you dream that your hands are detached or see disembodied hands, then it indicates that you are not getting your point of view across. You are not being understood. The dream may also symbolize feelings of loneliness.

To dream that you are holding hands with someone represents love, affection and your connection with that person. Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch with him/her or that you are drifting apart.

To dream that you hands are injured denote an attack on your ego.

To dream that your hands are clasped or closed signify unity, completeness, acceptance or agreement. On a more negative note, it may suggest that you are close-minded, ungiving or unwilling to help.

To dream that you have unusually large hands denote success in achieving your goals.

To dream that your hands are hairy or rough imply your lack of gentleness in dealing with others. You may be too brash and abrasive.

To see blood on your hands signifies that you are experiencing some sort of guilt.

To dream that you are washing your hands represent a worrisome issue that you need to work through. Alternatively, it suggests that you are in denial or no longer taking responsibility of some matter. You are letting go and getting things out of your system.


To dream that your hands are itchy indicate issues with money. If the left hand is itchy, then it signifies money being received. If the right hand or both hands are itchy, then it signifies money being given or lost.

 

I bit the bullet this evening and finally talked to my wife about what I've been feeling for so long now. The conversation was at first quite intentionally vague but ultimately led to a more direct discussion about my feeling "possibly" transgender, as well as her asking about my sexuality (asking if I'm gay or bi) to which I responded that I am attracted to her. My marriage has been troubled for quite some time, and has gotten to the point of possibly ending soon anyway so I told her.

She is and has always been more open minded about lgbt issues but I didn't expect her to be as civil about that conversation as she was, going so far as promising to still be a friend regardless of what happens. That being said I will sadly ultimately have to make a choice between staying married or pursuing "therapy" and such things. Still have to navigate the minefield that is my family.

---------- Post added 12th Nov 2014 at 08:31 PM ----------

I should be more happy about this but I don't want to have to make that choice even though I know I can't ask her to live that life with me and she would never be able to even if she was okay with it, her family would never accept that.

 

My wife was a bit skeptical but not in any way angry or hostile. She questioned whether I might be schizophrenic, which is really grasping for straws but understandable. She also cautioned against throwing myself into this quickly and with serious thought (which I couldn't do even if I wanted to).

 

So twice now I've been an inch away from pressing send on a 'coming out' letter to my mother, but each time I hesitated and then got nervous and chickened out. Why is this so damned difficult, it was nothing at all to tell my wife.

I need some serious help...

 

There, I've done it. Pulled the trigger and now just waiting for the pain and regret to sink in.

 

Better tha I hoped, at least as far as not turning her back on me anyway. Don't know if she believes me and I doubt she agrees with it but I'll take what I can get. She texted my wife with sort of sympathy and pity which I can't say was unexpected. I certainly don't have room to complain.

 

Telling my mother was a mistake. Guess I hoped too much that she might after so many years have stopped listening to a bunch of extremist fundamental christian "authorities" with their own hidden agendas. Never again.

I knew better than to trust her.

:tantrum: :tantrum: :tantrum:

 

While I was reading these forums, I came across a link to another site that had adverts for a womens clothing website I had visited a few days ago, with a picture of one of the exact dresses I'd looked at (nevermind the invasion of privacy). So I clicked the ad picture and felt sad because I really want to wear what I like. Not to mention the limited time $400-something discount.

Also brushing my wife's hair this evening and feeling jealous of her and wanting long hair for her to brush mine.