Am I actually gender dysphoric or just sexual urges?

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better
Everyone's experience is unique, but as we're all humans, luckily things can be relatable. And luckily we have the internet and a place like EC to find someone who might be sharing similar experiences. You absolutely can change your life to the better

Well... You'll just need to try and find what exactly works best for you. There's no right or wrong way here, just the way that suits your needs best at the moment. Best of luck, dear friend

 

That's brilliant! You're going to be in the best possible place for meeting new people who will (hopefully) form a support structure for many years to come. There will be societies for trans people and video games, no doubt. And running is a really good way to not only stay healthy but also to meet people. And you'll be taking a huge step on the way to independence from your family too!

Keller is right. The only way to gain confidence in social situations is to go ahead and do it and to not be afraid of failure. And to realise that once you hit university people won't be making fun of you if you stutter or seem nervous - most people will make allowances for others who seem a bit under confident. (This isn't junior school.) Like you, I often made mistakes in social situations or said the wrong thing. But by gaining confidence in social situations I ironed those out.

Oh and you're not under intelligent - you've gained a place at uni. Neither are you an 'avoidant personality' - you've been happily discussing all this with us for the past three days!

The answer to that is that I came out to myself first. My (female) partner died suddenly in February 2020. In the third week of March lockdown happened. My life fell apart in a matter of weeks. In that time of crisis I was alone with no other company than the truth. In the first week of May I looked long into that deep dark mirror and realised that maybe the reason I had always wanted to be a girl is that....I am one.

As for coming out, that was a bit more difficult during lockdown. I joined EC, rooted around the Internet for information. I phoned LGTB and trans helplines. And then once restrictions started to be lifted in June I commenced the long hard, but ultimately joyful process of coming out to friends, one at a time, face to face (anything else would be insulting to the friendship). I was only able to access face to face therapy in September that year.

That's great! You're not hopeless, nor helpless. You have a wonderful future ahead of you. Don't be scared! Happiness is well within your grasp, as it is for all of us.

Hugs, Beth x

 

Uni can be tough. I think it was Beth that said it on another thread, or maybe someone else, but you look back at it when you're a bit older and realise that all the people that thought they knew everything about life, they actually knew very little but were massively overconfident in their opinions. Are you going to be staying in halls for the first year? If so, you have an opportunity to be whoever you want to be and make some solid friendships with a bunch of housemates who are all in the same position as you.

Football - do you play or are you interested in it as a fan/spectator?

My advice to you would be to put in a lot of effort with social things. If you try and appear more confident than you really are and you get away with it, you will start to feel more confident.

For body stuff, how do you look right now? Do you have strong manly features or do you still look quite young/boyish? When I started uni, some of the lads living next door to us had full beards and would pass for 30, some of the others still looked like 15 year old boys. I am quite body focussed, I've been a gymnast my whole life and I now lift weights and run, I put a lot of focus on my diet. You would not believe how much better you can feel mentally by eating a 'clean' diet. Our bodies are not designed to live on processed junk and although some people handle it better than others, I think diet probably plays a significant part in mental health. It also plays a big part in hormones and hormones play a big part in mental health too. I don't think BMI is a good scale because it takes no account of your frame, bone structure, muscle mass etc. I am borderline underweight on the BMI scale but I can say with full confidence I am in good physical shape, I'm strong and can put in a hard day's work doing something physical and carrying a few extra pounds of fat wouldn't improve any health/performance metric. But starving yourself isn't good. You're still growing, you need to make sure your body gets what it needs in terms of calories, protein and nutrients in order for you to feel good. I've known a few gymnasts over the years who have shown anorexic tendencies like not eating and they never look good. Skin & hair suffers, acne is common, arms and legs look frail and even girls who are skinnier than me still look fleshy because all their muscle has gone. They lose their performance edge too and get tired quicker. It's not the way to a happy life. If you look at yourself in the mirror and see some chubby bits you want to tone up, hit the gym and get lots of protein and they will start looking better quicker than by starving yourself.

 

If you're a healthy weight on the BMI scale then you've most likely got enough bodyfat that a 20 hour fast doesn't stress the body all that much, but you can't go on forever down that road. If you are not training then you will lose some muscle mass during those times, the body needs to be told what muscles to keep by training them. My boyfriend mostly eats one meal a day on non-training days, he is probably overweight on the BMI scale but he is huge and has a solid visible 6 pack. He periodically does 48 or 72 hour fasts for the health benefits. But he always tells me that training muscles is vital if you're not eating otherwise your body will use up the muscles to scavenge protein for repairs, so he trains throughout. Its counter intuitive but if you want to look slim, you need some muscle otherwise you'll never have that taut look to your skin. The more muscle you lose, the less food you need, the harder it is to lose fat. Even if you don't like the gym, do pushups every day, get a pull up bar that hangs from a door frame, buy a sand bag and do squats.... I look better and more feminine in a dress at 51kg than I did at 47kg before I started weight training, having a little bit more muscle on my back and chest makes my waist look smaller in comparison. If that's the look you want, if you just want to shake off a bit of fat you don't need to go heavy on anything and you won't end up looking more masculine. There is nothing feminine about being weak & frail. And there's nothing better for mental clarity than physical exercise, you probably know that already from running.

Try the LBTQ groups at uni but don't go there with the thought in your head that everyone will necessarily be cool and accepting, you might end up disappointed. Its a broad church and there is tension between cisgender gays/lesbians and the Ts. You've not said if you're into men/women or not sure?

 

Yes definitely, don't worry about getting too big or too ripped, no-one ever gets too big or ripped without making it their main goal in life, even men with high T. Upper body and squats for sure, squats will give you a more prominent bum. Everyone loves a good bum that fills out a pair of jeans

The best thing about it is that it helps you lose fat without losing strength and lowering your metabolism. Getting skinny by cutting food is a quick fix but you end up having such a low food requirement that if you ever eat normally again, you get fat again just as quick. So you spend your whole life not eating and being miserable. I've seen it so often in gymnasts. And it leaves you less fit, less strong, more prone to injury and sickness. Healthy body -> healthy mind.

I love men's banter and find some female traits especially the habit of bitching behind people's backs to be very annoying. But though I find men easier to get on with, its harder to form a close friendship. Especially when they want to get in your pants. But then with women, its been me wanting to get in their pants (or them thinking I might) that has been a problem

 

Hey Danielle, I'm a trans man so take things with a grain of salt from me. How tall are you? If you're around 5'9" or even taller, looking slim will be easier for you with exercise, luckily for me I look more buff in my arms and legs because I'm extremely short. That said, I have a lot of fat around my abdomen I need to lose (I have a physical job but don't work out much). Also eating a healthy diet will help way more than starving yourself- you give your body the fuel it needs and it works so much better. Diet is probably my main problem in terms of being fit.

Therapy is crucial for sorting through repressed feelings and dysphoria- the key is having a good and supportive therapist. I repressed everything until I was around your age, but I now I have a therapist and friends helping me navigate the hardest things I've ever faced. Having other perspectives is invaluable sometimes, or just people who love you.

I have more to write but that will have to be later.

 

Oh don’t worry about me, I’m very very happy with my sexuality. It’s been a wild ride! Things are starting to calm down a bit now, which is all good. I’ve had a busy 8 years I honestly hope you have a happy time at uni, try and be a bit more upbeat and try and come off as confident if you can, you never know it just might stick. This is a free shot at leaving your old self behind and starting fresh.

 

omg at 6 ft 3 your body should be an absolute food furnace. You shouldn’t need to worry about what you eat at all. You could have an amazing body with so little effort compared to a shorter person, being tall makes it a lot easier. What do you weigh if you don’t mind me asking?

 

I've worked in all-male collectives for quite a while... You wouldn't believe how much guys are into gossip and bitching behind people's backs

It's a tricky thing with those numbers on a weight scale... Don't just go by numbers, combine them with what you see in the mirror and how you feel in general.

 

I'm really sorry you are going trough all this... But let's face it, in this precarious situation, you have had the strength to make it through - you are stronger than you think.

Please, believe in yourself, you will make it trough this rough patch.

 

Hi Danielle, you sound very similar to me! Without going into too many details my sexuality and my gender became intertwined around each other so it was very very difficult to unravel them. It's interesting you use the word 'crossdress' and yet you have changed your profile gender to female (trans). If you're a trans female it simply means putting on clothing that reflects your true gender! In other words, it's not crossdressing any more.

You really have nothing to feel shameful or guilty for. Clothing really is just clothing - items of fabric that keep us warm, or (hopefully) make us look more stylish. Masturbation isn't anything to feel shameful about - we've all done it. You sound a bit fragile, but that's not surprising as you are just starting to come out - realigning your self image and way you project yourself to the world is a daunting prospect. But hang in there - seek out therapy (it might be easier to access this once you go to uni) and as I said root around EC and past threads. Once you're a full member do feel free to PM me any time.

Hugs, Beth x

 

What is it about masturbation or having fantasies that is making you feel guilty? We all do it….

Was it whatever the thing was that made you want to masturbate? You haven’t said what it was and I wonder if that’s what you’re feeling guilty about, not the act itself.