Am I actually gender dysphoric or just sexual urges?

I’m really sorry you’re going trough this right now.

I can relate to what you feel, but I can only imagine how bad it must be for you to resort to self-harm to escape the emotional turmoil.

I’m not a qualified specialist, so I can’t give medical advice and please don’t consider it as such, but it does seem to me that you might be experiencing gender dysphoria. Let’s just say that men, even crossdressing men, don’t typically want to become women. They’re content with being men, even if they like to present feminine some - or all - of the time, so your persistent thoughts and dreams about having a female body could mean that you are some form of a genderqueer person. And there is nothing wrong with that, no matter what people might say, just as there is nothing wrong in crossdressing or presenting feminine as a man. We’re all different - but it doesn’t make any one less valid. Even just having a fetish for crossdressing and/or female underwear is nothing bad!
Sexual frustration, however, can make the dysphoric feelings worse.

But what is it that makes you hate your genitalia? Is it the arousal you experience? Or does it feel wrong to you to have a penis? That might give some clues. Also, while going to a therapist can be a daunting experience at first, a good therapist can help you find a solution to many problems - that’s what they’re for.

 

You’re always welcome, I’m happy if I can be of any help.

What you described also could be a sign of gender dysphoria.
Do you experience anxiety, unease or other negative feelings when being referent to, or treated as your assigned gender, too?

I can relate to the anxiety when trying to speak of such struggles… But you may have to face it, eventually. I’d say focus on self-acceptance first. The body you’re born with was not your, or anyone’s, choice - it just happened so that you have an Y chromosome with an SRY gene on it, but it doesn’t have to define who you are, even if it’s the only you have.

 

Hi DanielleOrDan, so much of your post is familiar to me. Why? Because I went through exactly the same thing. The crossdressing and the shame and then the confusion about whether it is or isn't a fetish.

It took me until the age of 50 to finally face up to the truth about myself: that I am and always have been transgender.

I'll never forget that epiphany, one night in May 2020. I felt utterly euphoric and yet completely terrified. Everything made so much sense. Of course!

Interestingly, as soon as I realised that my libido shut down. I started experiencing intense feelings of dysphoria, hatred at what I could feel swinging between my legs.

If you wish you were born a woman and hate your genitalia then I'd say it's fairly likely you're a transgender woman. Cis people simply don't think like that.

Please don't feel shame or guilt. There are more and more of us in 2023 and despite what you read in the gutter press many many of us live very normal lives. You could live a normal life, as the gender you were always meant to be.

 

Oh and just to add to that...

So moving forward what should you do? Well, I would be brave, get over your social anxiety and contact a counsellor/therapist, preferably one who has had experience with the LGTBQ+ community. Talking over all these issues with someone who doesn't know you and who won't judge will be very beneficial (assuming you get someone decent). Also have a root around on EC and past threads. There are a lot of trans folk on here who have been through the same things and dealt with the same issues you have. Use our collective wisdom!

Finally don't be afraid. It does get better. Really! I remember being in the same position as you back in May 2020, feeling scared and uncertain and overwhelmed by this life-changing revelation. But coming out has been by and large really wonderful (so far). I feel happier, more at ease with myself and more confident now that my secret (I'd always known, you see) is no longer lurking in the deep dark recesses of my psyche but is out out out in the open. The hormones are helping with that as well!

Best wishes,
Beth x

 

For all I know it’s not uncommon. I also ascribed my urges to a fetish - especially considering I already indulged in multiple other fetishes. Porn and plain wrong information that was abundant on the internet didn’t help either. It took quite a while to unrealised that it’s not a fetish or even a sexual thing - but an identity that was always there, that was repressed and denied because of pressure from those around and simply not knowing any better.

P.S. @chicodeoro, thank you for your beautiful and inspiring answer

 

Out of interest, how old are you? If you are in your 20s it's none of your parents' business whether you are seeing a therapist or not. You don't have to tell them if you don't want to.

As for worrying about what other people will say...I get it. As a young person you haven't yet fully developed what I term one's 'psychic armour', the protective coating that will (eventually) allow you walk through life unhindered by what other people think of you. But when you add the fear of rejection if you reveal what you've revealed in your posts... This is exactly what kept me in the closet for most of my life. I thought no-one would ever love me if I was trans, that I would be an outcast, a social pariah. And who would want that? I was only able to come out when a) society had evolved to the point where trans women are no longer seen as ghastly monstrosities or figures of ridicule and b) I had the confidence in myself and knew I had the support structure around me to cushion me.

Oh and don't starve yourself! Women come in all shapes and sizes. Anorexia is not a good look. Simply eat well and exercise - look after yourself physically and mentally.

Good luck!
Beth x

 

Hi Dan/Danielle, being a teenager is tough, isn't it? Even though you're officially an adult at 18, you are still developing in so many ways. Being able to deal with life and everything it throws at you is something that only comes through experience. And independence. Yet it's getting harder and harder for young people to access that independence that comes from leaving home and establishing yourself as a separate individual apart from your family.

Are you in full time education? If so, there may be a way to access therapy via your college/school without your parents knowing.

My honest opinion? I think in the past decade there has been a massive over-diagnosis of various mental ailments that in previous generations would have simply not have been issues. The classic one is teenagers being diagnosed with 'anxiety' when really they're probably just shy - completely normal and understandable for someone at that age. I have never heard of 'avoidant personality disorder'. You merely sound like you're lacking in confidence. Again, perfectly normal for a teenager, because you haven't had the on the ground life experience to build up that confidence.

Most of my life I haven't felt confident. What changed? Life happened. I managed to find a job I wanted. I met someone and was able to give and receive love. I had setbacks, but I got over them. And the confidence gained from knowing I could ride out any storm added to my confidence.

You need friends. What interests do you have? Who do you hang out with at school/college? What sort of people do you want to meet? Think about where you might meet these people, either online or in the real world. Think about the sort of person you want to be and what sort of friends you want to have and then plan how you might go about this.

Starving yourself for long periods of time to get a thinner body IS anorexia. Please don't make yourself ill. Eat and exercise regularly. (Actually exercise is another way to meet people, come to think of it...)

Anyhow, I better get back to work. Good luck, Dan/Danielle!

Beth x

 

That you find symptoms of avoidant personality disorder in you might actually be a combination of shyness and the feeling that you have to hide yourself for a number of reasons. I’m no therapist, but, really, if you look trough literature on personality disorders, you’ll probably find that a lot of the symptoms consist of pretty usual traits cranked up to eleven - just as too much of anything can be a bad thing.

There is a (nearly) surefire way to overcome social anxiety and shyness. It’s gradual exposure to situations that you find uncomfortable… Just take careful, reasonable baby steps, and soon enough you might find that social situations become easier to manage.

I can relate to wanting to be thinner and simply avoiding food can seem like a good way to achieve it… It’s not. Sure, caloric deficit will make you thin. But sooner or later, you might run into pretty bad health issues because your body will lack essentials nutrients and energy. A car won’t run without fuel - neither will a human body. Both your physical and mental wellbeing will suffer. But a healthy diet and a reasonable amount of cardio can do wonders for body shape, energy levels and mood

 

Have you considered diverting or sublimating that energy instead of repressing it?
IMHO, repressing sexuality is perhaps one of the worst things that you could do in this situation, because one of those days everything you’ve tried hard to repress and push into a deep dark corner somewhere on your soul can just explode violently… I’m sure many people here on EC, will know exactly what I’m taking about, as they’ve experienced it themselves.

If you want to avoid sexual urges and the feelings it causes, you might want to try distracting yourself from sexual urges by other activities, exercise, meditation and prayer being probably the most popular alternatives out there. (At least from what I’ve heard so far.)
You could also try gaming, learning a musical instrument or making art in some form, or maybe writing - anything from journaling to stories to poetry - anything that you feel could provide an outlet for your feelings and urges. It might not help much at first, but in a while it can become very effective.

Also, if possible, try to identify what triggers those sexual urges (i.e. pornography) and try to avoid those triggers when possible. Just believe in yourself and take one step at a time.