Emerging Gay

Writing things out as you're doing here, is helpful. Another thing that helped me clarify things was asking two questions:
If someone else explained their feelings and thoughts to you, would you think they were gay, straight, something else?
If my gay desires and feelings were 'straight' would I doubt for minute that I was straight?

Denial can be incredibly powerful but when you write out the truth, its hard to stay in denial. At the end of the day, whatever rationalizations I had (I can date women, i can have sex with a woman, I see beautiful women on the street) didn't matter when I focused on this central truth:
I have a desire to receive anal intercourse from a man and I desire to give a bj way more than have sex with a woman. I can easily have gay romantic and sexual fantasies, I have to try to 'force' straight ones and they are way less intense.

 

Recently, I wrote out all the instances of same-sex attraction that I could recall all the way back to early teens. While you always knew these things, it was revealing to recall and read them all in one place.

 

Yes it often turns out that the signs were there all along.

 

I too did this exact same thing only to find when it started to get intimate I was repulsed. The simple act of kissing her was unpleasant and felt totally wrong to me. I knew then unequivocally no more experimentation was needed, it was simply time to acknowledge the truth, I was gay. It was a tremendous relief to finally give up pretending.

 

It was a relief yes, it was difficult to give up that lie because I spend so many years building it up. But it became obvious that I couldn't even kiss a woman without it feeling like a chore

 

Yes, this is what I realized I was doing - I had no interest in women beyond what they were wearing. If I saw a woman in clothes I liked, and tried to imagine her naked, there was no attraction or arousal at all. I don't have any desire to be a woman, but I love women's fashion and I love the femininity. The only place i have seen similar sensuality in men's clothing was watching ballet. Before I came out to myself, I realized that when men and women were both dressed in a sensual manner (tights, close fitting elegant clothing) I would admire the beauty of both, but when I finally let myself look at the guys I realized I liked a nice ass on a guy way, way, way more than a women's but you just don't ' see it as much. Guys don't run around in tight fitting yoga pants. I now remember with women that was really the only part I look at.

When I first came here I wanted people to tell me I was gay. When people hinted at it my heart raced, and I wished they would just say it instead of 'only you can decide'. I realized I wanted someone else to make the 'choice' for me - if I admitted it myself, I was in a sense choosing it. But now I realize that is the ultimate liberating feeling to say "I want this, I want to be gay"

 

Yes after my first sexual encounter with another man it simply rocked my world. I could not believe the sensuality,erotic pleasure, the sense of such sexual satisfaction. It’s what I had been seeking with women but finally realized was only possible with another man.

 

The sense of relief, freedom and liberation is intense when you can finally say that you prefer another man exclusively for your sexual and emotional fulfillment. I remember vividly the day I looked in the mirror and said I want to be gay. It was liberation day, the day I finally cast aside any lingering aspects of heterosexuality. It was as if a weight had been lifted and could be the gay man I had fantasized about. It was really and unequivocally my gay liberation. I love being gay!

 

And just for clarity for anyone who's reading: We're not saying "I want to be gay" as if it was a choice. We were saying "I want to be gay" in the senes that we were beyond 'acceptance' of sexual feelings, but realizing once we got past all the shame and fear, is that we LOVE these feelings and love the fact that we are gay.

I honestly wonder how straight couples could enjoy each other like gay men do.

 

I think you have to be ready for that sexual encounter with self acceptance first. It might help remove doubts, but the common doubt is 'what if this is a just a fantasy' as I can countless others here have said, if you have fantasies about gay sex and they are more intense than those about women (if you even really get those at all), then yes you are gay, those feelings are real and they are not just a fantasy.

 

This post alone, if I wasn't already convinced, makes me think you're gay. You said you didn't notice men.... BUT when drinking you did (inhibitions lowered, fear overcame) and you realize trying to fantasize sexually about beautiful women feels forced.

Again, only you can decide, but I had this exact pattern, and the more I noticed and accepted my gay feelings the more I realized the feelings about women were forced and not really sexual.

 

Having tried straight sex, this is so true. There is absolutely no comparison. Gay sexuality at least in my opinion is far superior to anything straight. Man to man sexuality is sensually erotic, physically intense, emotionally fulfilling and ultimately satisfying.

 

That will change the more you accept yourself. A very common pattern:
‘I only fantasize about the male sex organ
Ok, now it’s more sex…but anonymous
Ok now I imagine a cute guy I know….
Ok, I thought about what it would be like to go on a date and wow, I never felt anything like this for women!

usually the first sign is the fanatiies about women disappear
Now that you mind knows you only like men th romantic urges will follow

 

What’s holding you back from acceptance?
As you said it’s pretty obvious. It sounds like you’re at the point of the ‘dam bursting’ which many people here experience.
You know you’re not straight, your interest in women I s all but gone, and once the genie is out of the bottle, I have never seen anyone here go back into denial,

try going to the mirror and saying “ I am gay” and see how it feels