What does dysphoria feel like for you?

For me it feels like if I could switch bodies with any female in the world I WOULD. My physical appearance is not what I want, and my social is pretty much female; with a small dash of male. Also, in my opinion this is great, I have the height of about 90% of the girls in my school.

 

I very much feel the same way when I feel like a guy (my gender fluctuates, you see). Sometimes I hate my breasts (despite the fact that they're not even very big, I still hate them). I hate how small my waist is, and how large my hips are in comparison. My feminine features sometimes make me feel very vulnerable, like people are looking down on me. I'm also really short, which doesn't help.

 

Honestly, I don't like wearing anything that accentuates any of my features. When I dress like a girl, I do so in a more innocent way, more like that of a little girl than a full blown woman. I don't want to look "sexy." The only way I could truly feel "sexy" was if I had the body of a male, but not a full on macho-man. More like that of an adolescent boy that still has remnants of femininity, but is still distinctively male.

 

Pronouns! *sigh* To add more fun, my native language makes difference between men and women not only with pronouns, but with verbs in past tense and adjectives, too. :bang: So when I´m telling a story that involves me, or even when I want to share how I feel or describe what I am wearing, I get into troubles.

Argh.

 

Let's see... for me, dysphoria goes back a long time, waaaaay before I knew I was trans* (of course, I was raised in a very transphobic environment, so I had no way of understanding it or knowing what it was back then). But from the time that I was ten or eleven, I wanted the extra fat on my butt gone. I would seriously daydream about having a doctor just cut off that extra fat. I didn't realise until a lot later that that was probably because I didn't want the feminine body shape that that brought.

I also hate my chest, with a passion. I've started calling the unnatural growths there the "monstrosities", lol. I don't really like having wide, feminine hips either. Or tiny hands. Or being ridiculously skinny and short. I also have very feminine facial features (although apparently less so now that I have short hair), and that bothers me. Oh, and my shoulders! They're not shaped right, at least if you ask me. Oh, and my voice is really high pitched and girly, so I hate it, even though I've been told that I have the voice of an angel. And I do have bottom dysphoria sometimes as well, which is getting worse, but it's not as bad as the rest of it.

I also don't like being told that I'm a woman, or being seen that way, and I really hate it when people expect me to act like a woman. For example, at work, one of my coworkers absolutely loves pink, and dresses, and makeup, and who-knows-what-else, and she teased me about it until I finally just told her that I "might as well be a guy in a girl's body". Er... not ideal for staying in the closet at work. I think she's starting to pick up on my gender identity, without really understanding that I'm trans*. I mean, she assumed that I must have been the one a customer talked to when the customer assumed they had talked to a guy. And then asked if I even knew how to do makeup when we were going out to this country dancing thing. And today she said that I'm the "opposite of feminine", lol, and was shocked when I showed her pics of me before I cut my hair. First words out of her mouth: "You looked like a girl!" (Not going to lie, that made me feel a little bit better). But I still get female pronouns, and am generally assumed to be female, so that bothers me.

Also, maybe this is weird, but long hair bothers me. I don't mind it on other people, but on me... just no. It feels unnatural, as does wearing makeup and/or dresses/skirts. I feel like a crossdresser when I do makeup. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but it gives me dysphoria, and I'm sure that one day someone is going to notice that I feel like a guy dressed in drag.

And another weird thing... old pictures of me, when I still actually tried to look like a girl/didn't know I was trans*, really bother me. I can't connect myself with those pictures, if that makes sense. So then I end up staring at the pictures wondering "how did that girl turn into this"?

Sorry, probably rambling a lot, lol. Those are just the things that bother me with dysphoria.

 

For me it's my chest. Even though I do have relatively small breasts, I'll regularly have moods where it just feels wrong to even have that small amount of volume on my chest. I just feel like they should be flat, and that I should be wearing unisex shirts rather than feminine.

 

No, but as I said, my beasts are AA cup sized or smaller. If they were bigger, they would bother me more.

 

I do. I cannot actually describe the feeling - it is disgust together with something more metaphysical. I have troubles to believe that this really is MY chest... I feel this is terribly, terribly wrong.

 

The thing about the hair is so true for me. I'm trying to at least save up for a short wig.

 

But when I try to wear certain shirts (even loose t-shirts), I can see sort of the outline of the sports bra, and that gives me anxiety. Bras also just feel really unnatural. I'd rather be able to just wear a shirt and be able to breathe. Soon enough, though... top surgery.