Having issues with my Son

I meant to also add it would appear you son may not have a health relationship with his Dad. Please keep in mind whether he does nor does not had no bearing on him being gay. So please if you have any concerns or quilt regarding that there is no need.

 

Yeah pretty sure that's stereotyping. You might be able to notice trends, but I don't think that's one of them.

 

You're definitely right to be concerned with some of the stuff he's been doing, but statements like this don't give me a lot of hope.

Whatever "role" he wants to take in his sexual encounters is quite frankly not something you should be concerned with and is not degrading. You need to be the strongest person in his support system and trying to comfort him, not telling him that something he can't change about himself is all wrong and trying to force him to conform to what you perceive as normal.

And honestly, if you're encouraging him to have sex with his ex-girlfriend at his age, it is completely unfair for you to demonize him for having sex with this other boy. I'd be on your side with this if your point was that he's too young to be having sex at all, but that's not your problem -- your problem is that he's gay.

 

Yep, I agree with this. Having a family member demonize anything one does is probably on of the worst things I can imagine. You really need to realize that whatever is sexuality is whether gay or bi... He isn't going to change... It's who he is, He was not placed here on this Earth to please you or anyone else for that matter.

 

Wait what? Do you even realize how sexist that sounds? So are women also degrading themselves because they usually "bottom" too? Whether you intend it or not, the penetrated partner being a "shameful/weak/submissive" thing that is ingrained in our society affects women too and teaches them they're not allowed to make any sexual choices like you're doing with your son.

Even if he experiences pleasure from a vagina, it won't make him straight. -Anyone- can feel pleasure from stimulation. Women who are raped also feel physical pleasure and sometimes orgasm from their attack, but it doesn't make it any less damaging for them.

You need to really get over what position he takes. It's fine to be concerned about 14 year olds having sex, but encouraging it with a girl is a double standard. Not only may he not enjoy it, but the girl could get pregnant (birth control doesn't always work) and you would have forced the poor thing into a bad situation that would have affected her for the rest of her life since she would have been way too young to support a child.

Okay so go have sex with women and see if you like it before deciding that you only like men and are straight. Same excuse there.

 

You're being inconsistent here. You've told your son that you don't have a problem with him having sex, as long as it's straight sex. All that talk about you thinking he's too young to have sex was nonsense, and he knows it. It's not even to do with the risks involved seeing as though straight sex is even riskier for his age due to pregnancy.

Your orientation doesn't change by who you sleep with, that's not how it works, if he was bi and slept with a guy he'd still be bi. His attraction for girls wouldn't have stopped being there, and the same if he slept with if a girl, his attraction for guys wouldn't have stopped.

If your son tells you he's gay, he's gay. Some guys tend to come out as bi first to "test" how people react, to give them hope I guess. It's also a form of self-denial, you hope that you're bi too and one day you'll like girls. But if he told you he's gay it's not because of sex, it's because he actually is gay. It's not a conclusion you come to lightly, it doesn't change on a whim depending on who you last slept with.

Again, telling him things like he "degrades" himself, it's another humiliating tactic with no basis in reality. What do you honestly hope to achieve there? How did you even come to that conclusion? Seriously.

You have a problem with your son lying to you, but why should he tell you the truth? You've already shown that you're willing to humiliate him until he's reduced to tears. You try to shame him for what he's doing over and over. You openly acknowledge that you're lying to him by saying you think he's too young to have sex when, in reality, you've suggested to him that he should have sex.

 

How can you know that he is not? It's not your decision if he is certain or not. Also, never say that last statement to his face. That is pretty offensive. In fact, that stings pretty badly. It's the same thing as the "love the sinner, hate the sin" type of thinking. You need to love your son as a whole, not just one part of him.

 

I think you're going to have to let go of this "being the bottom" thing. In reality that's not something you should even know -- I'd have to think you'd be mortified if your parents knew exactly how you, uh, perform in the bedroom. You may not like his preference (and yes, his role is a preference, who he's attracted to is not), but that's not something you should be thinking about or even discussing with him. Your only concern in this regard is that he's practicing safe sex.

You must understand how bad it must come across to him if you're forbidding him from having sex with someone he's actually attracted to (and by your previous description is a good kid) but trying to push him in the direction of a girl. I know it's really not your intent to make him feel bad about himself, but I guarantee that's what it's doing. The message you're sending is it's okay for him to have sex if it's with a girl, not that he's too young to have sex. You're making him feel guilty about being himself.

I know I'm probably never going to convince you that there's nothing wrong with being gay and there's nothing wrong with being a bottom either, but I'm going to plead with you to focus on his feelings at the expense of your own.

I'm 27 and sadly am not out and have never had sex. The reason for this is I don't have the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay, and that's even with expecting that they wouldn't react all that negatively. I'm resigned to the fact that I'll probably go through life alone because it's easier to suppress my own happiness than it is to potentially disappoint my parents. Is that what you want for your son? It's a terrible feeling and I fear you're in danger of pushing him into the same kind of position.

I'm not sure, but it seems like this could all be because you're embarrassed of what other people might think if they know you have a gay son, especially if he has some feminine traits. If so, suck it up. It's really nobody's business but his and you should care far more about how he feels than anything else. Please, please don't continue down this path. I realize I'm probably coming across as somewhat hostile and I apologize for that, but it's not out of hatred -- it's out of genuine concern for him. You don't want him to grow up ashamed of who he is and despite your wishes he absolutely cannot change that. You don't have to be happy about it, but you owe it to him to realize that your feelings are not the important thing here.

 

If he isn't certain, then he isn't certain.... He will know what he is.... but you as a parent should love him *which I see deep down you do* NO MATTER what... whether is he gay/bi or top/bottom. While it maybe degrading for you for your son to bottom, it certainly doesn't seem degrading to him if he is doing it. I understand your concern for him having sex at a young age, I do not understand this problem with what position he performs though.... It's just how 2 men have sex, if he likes it that is him, He was brave to even tell you in the first place. Position in sex shouldn't matter, He is your son.. he needs all the support from you he can... and while you seem to want to offer it you hold back based on very few things that matter to you..... not that matters to him.

---------- Post added 4th May 2014 at 03:28 PM ----------

You have done nothing to fail him! I know it's hard that he isn't going to turn out the way you expected. He is gay because that is the way he is, nothing you have done could and will change it. It will get easier to deal with, once some of these misconceptions you may have are addressed and dealt with. You seem like a great parent, nothing you have done in the past has failed him, you are just hitting a bump in the road you 2 will get over. Together and still have a good relationship when it is all done. All you need to do is show love/support and keep a open mind on these things.

 

Please try and let go of this.

Again, speaking as a mother with a son nearly the same age as yours, no parent wants to visualise their child being sexual. I certainly don't. There is a massive yuk factor involved.

I also know you may have found imagery which exposed you to more of your son's sexual feelings than is healthy, but let it go for everyone's sake. Stop visualising what he may or may not have done or want to do in his sex life.

It is your job make sure he gets good sex ed, information on sexual health and STDs. To give him age appropriate advice and boundaries. End of story. That's empowering him to make choices about his sexual expression without reference to what you think is approprate. Just to make it clear, expression, NOT orientation. Gay is not a choice.

So he has a straight brother. Would you ever dream of pressuring or lecturing him on what he should and shouldn't do in his private life with his partner? Would you ask him to have sex with a man just to check if he can get pleasure that way, and be sure he is straight? Or make it clear he must never let his girlfriend penetrate him with anything? (more common with straight men then I think you realise)

I repeat again: There is nothing you can do to change your son's sexuality. He is what he is.

I know that you are going through a process and may not mean everything you say to come across as it does. But you are asking people to respect your need to impose boundaries on your son because of his age and behaviour, which I totally agree with. Then say you are encouraging him at 14 to have sex with a girl. This is not only inconsistent but totally inappropriate. I assume the girl in question is also underage. Do you want to go to her parents and explain to them why you've told your son to have sex with her? Or imagine how they would feel? Or what you would potentially put that poor girl through, not to mention your son?

I know you love him, and I know you are trying very hard to process a lot at the moment, but please hold onto some perspective. Please try and seperate your son's behaviour from his sexuality and identity - they are not the same thing. But you are telling him what he is is unacceptable. How can he learn to love and accept himself if he feels his mother cannot?

You say sometimes you think you're OK with it. Hold on to those moments. Focus on them and try and remember every day that feeling of acceptance, however fleeting. Focussing on it will help it to grow stronger, and the negative thoughts and fear to recede. It's a shock, and it will take time. You're allowed to take all the time you need.

If the main barrier to you accepting your son's sexuality is thinking about what activity he may engage in, then its up to you to stop thinking about it. Stop focussing on that and remember that ultimately being gay is about love, about who you fall in love with. Sex is a part of that just like in straight relationships, but it's not the main deal.

 

Amazing advice from a parental viewpoint.

 

You've read that a lot of sexuality is environmental? Don't believe everything you read on the internet, that's just nonsense. Every single type of environment can be used as an excuse to explain why someones gay.

For example: Not close to males? Gay, develops an attraction to something that was lacking. Too close to males? Gay, not enough female stimulation and involvement in life to show the joy of the opposite sex. Not close to mother? Gay, a lack of connection with a female role model makes thier interest, and attraction, in girls not manifest correctly. Too close to mother? Gay, confuses his sexuality due to an overdose of female influence.

See? Point is every single situation can, and is, used to justify why someone might be gay. The people that say it's environmental tend to have an agenda, so I highly doubt you read that from somewhere that wasn't religiously motivated.

Anyway, you need to stop viewing your son like you failed. He seemed quite happy until you started trying to make him feel terrible due to your beliefs. You're showing him that you don't care about his happiness, instead you care about what makes you, and other people, happy. If you want your son to be happy, stop trying and expecting him to change. Instead love him and accept him for who he is.

 

No, he didn't change his orientation, he just told you he was bi. You assumed he was straight before this, that doesn't mean he was, that means you just assumed it. Having sex doesn't change your orientation. I don't really understand why you were so quick in accepting that he's bi because he told you, but then when he comes out as gay you simply don't believe him. Your logic is inconsistent there. You don't need to have sex with someone to know your orientation. Have you had sex with a girl? How do you know you're straight otherwise?

Chances are you humiliated him to tears, he begged you to stop, then you told him the only reason he's crying is because he knows what he's doing is wrong. When, chances are, he was crying because you humiliated him and told him what he's doing is wrong, rather than it actually being morally wrong. Sexting with his boyfriend at his age is really stupid, but don't mistake those tears you created with him "knowing" it's wrong.

Anyway you are shooting yourself in the foot rather consistently with your son. You say one thing "You're too young to have sex" and then tell him another "But you should try having sex with your ex-girlfriend anyway".

Don't tell your son he's too young to have sex and that there are risks involved, but then tell him you want him to have riskier sex anyway.

What you prefer he do shows that you care more about what you want than what he wants. You have to accept your son is gay and he wont change. And you have to stop giving him contradictory advice. You have not failed him in any way by him being gay. It's your job to make sure he's happy, not do what you think will make him happy.