1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What's Your Story of Coming Out to Yourself?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by BiBoyToy, Feb 21, 2021.

  1. BirdWatcher87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi Everyone!

    I believe that parts of me knew that I was bisexual throughout most of my life (now in my mid-30’s). I would see guys on TV or in pictures and think they were cute or get these warm feelings in my heart that felt really good. For a long time though, I kept on suppressing them and kept focusing on girls.

    A few years ago around 31, after a lot of research and heart searching, I came out to myself as bisexual. It felt great!

    As of right now, I’m only out to myself and I’m not sure if I’ll ever tell anyone, but I hope maybe someday!

    My strongest feelings are for girls, but I have a physical/sexual attraction to guys as well. Sometimes my feelings for guys are not as strong on one day, but are stronger the next day. I love myself always for who I am and happy to be bisexual! :slight_smile:
     
  2. Richelle1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2021
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    The easiest way to know if you are gay is who you fantasize about. In your head you have the choice of anyone. If your fantasy is about other guys and not a hot girl guess what? You are gay. I have grown up fantasizing about guys 99 percent of the time but still would not admit to myself that i was really gay. I know I get a little excitement when selecting gay on some websites.
     
    eron and out2019 like this.
  3. Tikimon20

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2021
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I had been secretly seeing men since my early 20's when a much older man gave me oral and later barebacked me. I loved it and the feeling of carrying his sperm. I was still in so much denial and had lots of excuses when I would 'accidently' meet men on business trips...too much to drink, I just slipped last night, etc.
    It wasn't until I met a guy in 2018 that I shared long kisses with that I finally came out to myself. It was easy to come out to my friend after that. I noticed that my sexual appetite got stronger and that now I only masturbate while thinking of men.
     
    Richelle1 likes this.
  4. Tikimon20

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2021
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
     
  5. Tikimon20

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2021
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I used to fantasize about both men and women, but after coming out to myself I only think and dream about men. I know that feeling when hitting the gay button!
     
    eron, Richelle1 and Ingvermama like this.
  6. Richelle1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2021
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I filled out some new patient paperwork and it asked what your sexual orientation was. I wanted to say gay so bad but just couldn't do it.
     
  7. Ingvermama

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2021
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah I’m looking forward to filling in a form and ticking the box Bisexual! I don’t think I have explained my coming out story on this thread, I e checked and I can’t see one by me. Basically I have always fancied girls and boys. As a teenager I definitely had a crush on a beautiful boy called Martin, but I also wasn’t like the other girls at school, I didn’t want to dress up or be all silly round the boys, I wanted to do what they were doing and be their friend. I also didn’t have a boyfriend until I was nearly 19, that was a short relationship. Around this time I had a female friend who I used to spend time with every evening, we would massage each other and spend time together cuddling, that’s all. Then I had a boyfriend when I was 21 for about 6 months who I lost my virginity to. I was asked out by guys but I always made excuses as I really didn’t fancy them. And all along I knew I liked girls too. I am quite fussy, with men and women, so I don’t fancy many of either sex! I’m also quite shy so I kept my head down and had lots of fun with my friends but no sign of a partner. Then I did meet my husband, when I was 31, had babies by 34 and I love him very much. Until recently I had given up on my love of women but it has been hard to ignore, so I researched lots and joined here. I’ve now told my husband and daughter and a close friend, and I feel totally liberated. Not sure how to go forward with this as I don’t want to break up my home and family, but if it didn’t hurt anyone I would like a girlfriend. Strangely I fall in love with my female friends who I am really close to, and I wonder if I am Pan, as actually it’s their personality and how we get along that makes me love them, not their physical side. I also love my husband for the same reason, as I certainly don’t find any men’s bodies attractive. I just wish humans were less complex and we could love more than one person without causing upset.
     
    Tikimon20 likes this.
  8. BiBoyToy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2021
    Messages:
    555
    Likes Received:
    174
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    If you don't mind me asking, do you still identify as bisexual?
     
  9. Richelle1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2021
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    No, I have realized that I am gay and possibly transgender.
     
  10. mychemromance99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2015
    Messages:
    432
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I wasn't sexually attracted to any gender very well into my teens.
    I met a guy in my junior year of high school and realised that I had a crush on him, of course it didn't strike me that I'm crushing on a guy until later when I came out to a close friend.
    I just happened to me an AMAB who had a crush on a boy.
     
  11. Richelle1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2021
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    what is AMAB?
     
  12. BiBoyToy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2021
    Messages:
    555
    Likes Received:
    174
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    A man at birth.
     
  13. BiBoyToy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2021
    Messages:
    555
    Likes Received:
    174
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm happy you have found your true identity! :slight_smile:
     
  14. Richelle1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2021
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks. The gay part yes but I'm a little wary about being trans. I just want a better looking curvy body in the bedroom.
     
  15. BiBoyToy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2021
    Messages:
    555
    Likes Received:
    174
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Gotcha.
     
  16. DavidDublin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2021
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Dublin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I realised in my early teens that I was attracted to guys. I don't remember an exact moment.
     
  17. Canterpiece

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,565
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I used to assume that I was a late bloomer and that I would like guys eventually. That's why I used to fake having crushes on random boys or male celebrities growing up. I wanted to fit in and seem grown-up, which in my eyes meant experiencing crushes on guys and bonding over that with the other girls. My assumption was that at some point I would no longer have to pretend and would simply have those crushes on my own that I could use to bond with them.

    Then I met my best friend at the time. We had a lot in common, more so than I realised (it turned out that we're both gay, I found this out when I later came out to him). I wasn't typically friends with boys, I disliked the attention such friendships would bring, but he was easy to talk to and we got along well. The other girls didn't believe our friendship, they would tell me that boys and girls can never just be friends. We were peer-pressured into dating and I decided to give it a shot. I thought that perhaps romantic feelings would follow once we started dating. After all, I liked him enough. He was fun to be around. Yet it became apparent that was not going to happen, I simply just didn't see him that way. I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

    The school really hyped us up as couple. We had a ship name and everyone thought we were cute together. To the point of apparently being relationship goals. So we went along with it, the attention was oddly validating. We would tell everyone that we just wanted to go slow, which people believed at first but became suspicious of later on. There were plenty of staged dramatic break-ups and everyone enjoyed the gossip. I wanted to believe that I was attracted to him, but I knew that I wasn't. The whole thing was purely performative. We never even kissed, except once on the cheek. Yet we kept this performance going for a couple of years.

    One time, when we supposedly on one of our breaks, I found myself crushing on a girl. I knew it was real, unlike the crushes I used to fake. However, I didn't want to admit that to myself. I had negative misconceptions about gay people and I certainly didn't want to be gay. So, I went into denial. I continued to keep up with my fake relationship and tried my best to ignore my doubts. Eventually we gave up on our relationship, as much as we tried we both knew that it wasn't happening.

    My feelings on gay people changed as I realised that my misconceptions were false. I only ever heard about gay people on the internet (usually through slurs) or through slang (e.g. that's so gay). There were talk show hosts, but I never watched that stuff growing up. I knew that they couldn't get married (at the time) and I already had an idealised idea of what my future was going to be like which included a husband. I did go through a phase of "I'm fine with gay people, but I don't want to be gay".

    Anyway, I found myself looking for answers as a teenager on the internet. I discovered that it wasn't just gay or straight. That there was a whole community. I discovered that bisexuality exists. So I spent some time in online spaces aimed at bisexual teenagers and women. I found out about the Kinsey scale. My crushes made it increasingly obvious that 100% straight wasn't accurate in my case. Nor did it seem incidental, I'd had enough crushes on girls to see that it was becoming a pattern. So I saw myself as a 2. I came out to a friend as bisexual. However, I soon realised that I didn't quite fit in with these communities. They'd talk about men and I couldn't relate. It was beginning to dawn on me that I had simply just assumed I like men, but I didn't have any experience with actually liking them. So I experimented with labels, at one point I was calling myself a hetero-romantic homosexual. I kept switching between lesbian and bisexual because I wasn't sure, I knew I liked women but I didn't know how I felt about men.

    One day things took a turn for the absolute worst. I came out to a girl and someone overheard us. He was not happy. Unfortunately, he brought friends and they cornered me and attacked. I won't go into details, but it was a distressing experience. One guy spat at me. I felt so ashamed. People kept asking how I didn't know if I was bi or not, telling me that it should be obvious. I spent a lot of time hiding from them, scared that they would hurt me again. Not long after, I was swimming in a public pool and I saw one of the bullies looking down on me from a staircase. I remember the panic and wanting to disappear. Anyway, in that moment it dawned on me that I was probably gay. I'd tried imagining myself with men before, but it didn't feel the same. In that moment, I realised that I may never like men. That was a difficult idea for me to accept. Especially considering what I'd just been through. This was at the height of the marriage debate as well, so I was surrounded by people arguing over whether people like me should get married. It did feel like a slap in the face. Especially since I was close to a homophobic relative who was dying at the time. It was...a lot to process emotionally.

    To sum up, I had my first crush at eleven, realised I was probably gay at fourteen and I came out to my friends when I was sixteen. I came out to my parents when I was eighteen. The attack was brutal and it traumatised me. When I first started coming out to people, my body used to shake and my throat would dry up and I'd forget how to speak for a moment. I'd flinch when people got too close to me. Thankfully, I worked through my trauma and coming out did in fact become easier over time. I came to accept myself and now I actually like being gay, which is something I never thought I'd say. :sunglasses:
     
    #77 Canterpiece, Aug 17, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2021
    Ingvermama likes this.
  18. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Sorry to cherry pick from your interesting and deep story but this spoke to me. Just realised that when I was about 13 I decided that I was going to be a ‘boob guy’. I was going to be more into boobs than anyone. Maybe my subconscious thought that up as a defence mechanism?
     
  19. Ingvermama

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2021
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Canterpiece, that is a long post! You have been through so much just to be true to yourself. I’m very sad to hear you have been bullied just because of your sexuality. Straight people are very privileged. I am a bi woman married to a man so I am privileged also, but I know the fear of coming out and not feeling how it will be taken. Wishing you happiness for the future.
     
    Canterpiece likes this.
  20. Canterpiece

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,565
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You'll have to excuse me for the length. :sweat_smile:
     
    Ingvermama likes this.