Struggling with myself

Thank you. It means a lot.

Reading all the reply's and my own answers too makes me feel like crying. I'm very much of a perfectionist, who don't like to admit any weakness or well not being perfect, because there have always been pressure on me to be perfect, so it makes me feel a bit like I'm failing myself. Like it's a step back not forward.

 

I'm freacking out. I told just my sister about me, because she saw an description on my profile on discord about me being transgender and thought I was joking, but then I told her I am not. It's my own carelessness, but she is okay with it, but also said she thinks she may be bisexual herself. Told her to be quiet about it and say nothing to our parents, at least for now.

 

Thank you. Coming out is totally terrifying every time, no matter how many times you do it. I'm still in shock a little, but she did tell me that she is glad she can talk to me about this all.

And you're right. I guess I'm just scared how this all will turn out. I'm scared of the unknown. But I guess it's better to go with the flow, rather than make yourself go nuts with worry. I'm prone to worry about everything.

 

Thank you. Big hugs back to you.

I'm not sure anymore. Before I was so terrified I thought everyone would disown me and I would be kicked out of my home and I would be on the streets, but after hearing dad explain this all to my sister perfectly I was in complete shock, because before he said lines like lesbians are people who sleep with men and women and said homophobic stuff and even asked me, if I'm not a lesbian with a bad tone, when I just hung out with my female friends. Of course back then I still wasn't aware of myself and felt very offended. I once told him, so what if I am a lesbian and then he just said oh and got quiet. I was fed up with him. Now though my aunt and her two daughters know about me and accept me and now my sister knows. In my aunt husband family there is also another person who is trans, but my aunt husband don't understand all of this. I told my therapist I will come out to my parents once I am officially on T. I will tell others then too. I plan to make a facebook post.

When I was a child I barely uttered a word in school. I was often bullied and my self confidence was tampered on. I avoided people and even passing people on street gave me anxiety, but I did try to get out of it and I have succeeded. One thing that gave me a boost in confidence was my work training, where I was told in evaluation that I am a good communicator and friendly. I tend to be very insecure though. Immersion in different situations have helped me to get better at communicating. I just have bad anxiety what I take medication for. I tend to tear up about any critisism. It all has been hard, but I do get better and better. Even strangers on streets start conversations with me.

 

I'm currently an university student. I changed my career, because being a caregiver wasn't something I was able to do, because of my health. I get backpains, so I can't help lifting people or helping out doctors. I was working in the intensive care unit before. Now I study tourism and hotel management, because I've always wished to start my own business and I love different cultures and languages. My university is only one week in a month, so I would like to earn money and save up for transitioning. It's also nice to have your own income, so I wouldn't have to rely on others and be independent and maybe even be able to move out from my parents house, though they do need help, since they aren't able to work or go to the doctors withouth help and my sister have a disability.

Same here. Life would be so much easier. I hate being trans, but nothing can be done about that, since my dysphoria is awful.

If you don't count online friends, then in real life I have 0 lgbt+ friends. Support groups are in another city too. Commuting is not a problem, but finding exuses to go is, since my parents are overprotective and call me, even if I stay out too long and question why and where I go. It takes planning to go, even though I'm a 32 year old adult.

 

My age is on my profile and I have never tried to seem, like I'm younger, but I can definitely see how my posts would make you believe I am younger. I turned 32 in June. My birth date is 24th of June 1991.

I have never felt myself as an mature adult. I do believe I might be on the autism spectrum, though it's never diagnosed nor have I pursued to get the diagnosis. I may have got left behind on development as well, this is how I feel like. I was once asked, if I have a disability, what baffled me.

Believe it or not I have never travelled outside of Estonia. I have never flew on a plane or rode a big cruise ship. It has been my dream and this is what I'm working towards. To get that independence, though it's very hard.

I was always sick as a child, because of genetics defects, so it might be the reason, why my parents are overprotective and even now my health is not good. I've never lived my life as someone fully healthy and as someone my age would live their life, which is why I hate being trans so much. I was dreaming of getting my own house and raise children, with a loving husband and have stability. Being trans makes this all harder.

I do agree, that I do need to get out, but as I'm studying in the same city currently I live in, then it's better to live at home and I can try to save up for my own place, since rent is so expensive. I am eligible for the government support, what I am applying for, since I do have difficulty finding a suitable job for myself, because of my restrictions, so this would help me loads and there is also place where I can rent an apartment for cheaper.

 

No I haven't read it, but I will now.

I do planning, though I'm never good at writing all of it down. I'm the type that keeps all my plans in my head and appointments and stuff I usually write in my phone, where I have to do lists as well, as I'm not good at keeping a planner.

It's okay. The dysphoria makes me honestly even cry, because it gets so bad, that I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel that uncomfortable and it even hinders my sleep. Therapy and actually writing posts here has helped me with that loads. I'm hoping getting on hormones help with it all and makes my mind more clearer.

 

Yeah I've bern doing that. I do feel better sleeping, when I have support for my back, so I've been using a pillow underneath my back, since I tend to sleep on my side. I've seen that they sell lumbar support pillows. I also feel better, when I have pillow between my legs as a support. I have scoliosis also because of genetics. As a child I had physiotherapy as well. I did went to physiotherapy for a while as an adult too and got taught exercises for my back, but It was only for half a year and after that is just continuing with exercises by yourself, but I was having depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts, so this wasn't a priority for me. I had no energy. If I'd get back into physiotherapy, then this is more helpful, because I don't have motivation otherwise, but then I have something that is an obligation, so I'd actually do the exercises. I feel like I need supervision for this.

I mistook dysphoria for my hearth issue that is also because of genetics, but luckily there wasn't anything there. I did went to check and spent a day in the hospital. I did feel it physically. Even right now, though today it's not too bad, since I feel a bit more like a guy today. My sis told me too, that I look more like a guy.

 

Don't worry about it. I understand. Hope you have good rest of the evening or night.

 

Yes I am. My previous school offered free yoga classes for students, so I took advantage of it, because I knew yoga is beneficial for your back, though there were exercises I weren't able to do, but most of it I could. It wasn't bad and was good for me. The teacher wasn't strict either. It was okay, if I couldn't do all of the exercises. I also noticed, that many of the exercises were the same I learned in physiotherapy. I do have exercise equipment at home, so I can do harder exercises too.