Struggling with myself

I 100 percent agree, and 100 percent understand you. I am actually on MTF HRT, for about five months. I'm 29. I'm not sure even if I want to be a woman, I feel like I'll just be an imitation. I have always wanted to be a girl/woman since probably high school. I just use to have that toxic masc mindset, and I even got caught years ago, when living with parents, with a bunch of clothes. They asked and I denied. I wish I would've of just said yes. I'm not sure if I'll ever except myself. I'm sure this dysphoria is the least of my problems, but I have been dealing with it for a good 20 years.

 

From what I've seen, you seem like a really nice person Rayland. You seem very calm, balanced and considerate and those are rare qualities many people lack. I know they're well-worn cliches, but it really is true: you should try to focus on your positives and not fixate on your perceived negatives. Nobody is perfect. People will accept you for who you are and if not then that's their loss. I don't know you at all, but was left very impressed by your posts on here.

 

Well, you did mention seeking help and I do think you should look into doing this after so long studying it for so long. I'll only have reached 2 years in November and it is very draining! I recently got a therapist and have largely stopped looking for answers, now. It can help you to accept yourself much better and the answers will then come from within. Personally, I've realized I have a good enough idea of my identity/sexuality and need to focus on other things now (such as confidence, health and quitting nicotine). I think in my case, always searching for answers was what was blocking me from sorting myself out. It is healthier to pay attention to all areas, I've found.

 

I think you're doing really well Rayland and it's great you have an appointment for next year. I know the waiting lists are huge, so at least you can slowly start to see light at the end of the tunnel now. I honestly think now could be a good time to talk to someone about it, it's such a major decision and you sound like you're already unsure what to do for the best. I hope you at least give it serious thought.

I found dealing with the toxic masculine mindset fairly easy, really. I think on a subconscious level I've long since accepted toxic masculine stuff (be it toxic alpha male types, or in music or sports, TV etc.) to be silly and immature. I think I actually just picture a cartoon Tarzan beating his chest as my means of dismissing anything like that! It's not really worth thinking about is it?

 

Not sure if this will help, but I've also dealt with toxic masculinity - to the point where it hindered my decision to transition. It took a while, but it was worth realising that being a man doesn't have to mean being a bad stereotype. People will take you seriously even though you aren't an "alpha male". You get to choose what sort of man you become, and that man won't be too different from the one you already are. It seems easy putting it all here into words, but in reality it's taken me a while. What helped was surrounding myself with men I respected, finding male role models who didn't adhere to toxic masculinity, and trying to visualise myself as male in the future - I used to make drawings of myself and write out lists of the traits I wanted to have as a man (in one of them I wrote down that I wanted to be a dad figure to those around me, for example).

My girlfriend said something to me once that has stuck with me: "love the man you are right now, don't wait to love the man you'll become".

I also wanted to add, because you mentioned clothing specifically: I don't think it's worth beating yourself up over that. I don't see avoiding feminine clothing as toxic masculinity at this point in your transition. You say you're dysphoric. My dysphoria doesn't allow me to wear feminine clothing, so I don't want to add even more stress on top of what I'm already experiencing just to break gender stereotypes. I'll break them once I'll be comfortable with myself.

 

Masculinity is in the process of being redefined and I think trans men have a big part to play in that process.

Great to hear that you've got a date for (hopefully) going onto hormones, Rain. It's not long to wait now!

Hugs, Beth x

 

Of course you will! You just have to find the right friends. However, this I will say....knowledge of sport is a fantastic short cut to forming friendships with males. It absolutely is! And football in particular is God's gift to male conversation.

Once you're on testosterone, your skin will lose its softness and you'll develop facial hair really easily. And your voice will drop - so you won't need to do any voice training. You have a lot to look forward to!

Hugs, Beth x

 

As far as I'm aware (though others may know better), the voice deepens naturally once the testosterone starts flooding into your system. I don't know of any trans men who've had to go through voice therapy in my own support group.

Of course, for us girls it's different. Essentially, once a voice deepens, it can't return to its pre-pubescent state without a lot of practice.

Beth x

 

I believe that would be voice dysphoria in those a long way off from (or those unable to) taking T. That's why there is voice training. Also, there are certain mannerisms men tend to do with their voices that women don't, not bothering with those shouldn't get you clocked as trans though after T.

 

I started to watch sport sometimes only when I learned some sports good enough to be able to know what's going on.

But if you're not into sports there are plenty of other subjects, for example cars, renovations, technology.

It's for people who don't want to take hormones and experience all of their effects or can't take them. I did it but I didn't have the time and energy to continue. The voice therapist said that some of his clients were teenagers who weren't sure if they want hormones yet. There was someone I saw on the internet for whom testosterone didn't cause significant voice changes as well, he was after 40 as far as I remember.

 

Cars are an easy topic. If you get to know some basics for example what kind of cars you like, some basics of how they work, then you can talk about it with guys for half of a family gathering. Guys really talk a lot about cars, even those who aren't very masculine. They play with cars as children just like girls play with dolls and it stays, lol. As a non controversial non challenging topic to talk about.

If you want to take T in the future, then you don't need to do voice training. But if you want to, you can. Hm, I have never had issues with throat hurting from singing. A friend told me in the past that it can be caused by not using the diaphragm when singing.

 

Not fault, just not having experience. Now that you've gained experience, you know how to do it better. Yup, a warmup is needed.

It's okay, I don't think most people know every detail of how hormones work and it's normal not to know that if you don't sit in the subject for 10 years or so and it's not silly neither to want higher levels of testosterone nor to have high testosterone.