Possibly Gay, trying to accept

Wow, the "switch" to woman while masturbating really hits home. Like thinking of men the entire time and right before orgasm I too would switch to an image of a woman, as if that would make the rest of it go away. Totally trying to hide my shame. Thanks for sharing that.

 

Yes that made me stay in denial for years. One time I was masturbating about a hot guy and something came over me, I said I wasn't going to switch...and if I did that I was gay. Of course I denied it after but that is what started me on the path that led me here.

 

haha! I've done this exact same thing, playing little game with myself, making bargains. "If I think of a woman this time then it's really not true" then finding my thoughts needing to switch to a guy to get anything going.

 

In denial, I didn't really realize how much:

• I had to think about a guy to become aroused. It was pretty much 90% of the time.
• I only thought about 'getting off' not being intimate with the woman I was with. There was no interest in touching her, just orgasm.
• Having sex with a woman, even beautiful, felt like work.

On the other hand, giving my first blow job just felt so natural, and I didn't care or even think about my own stimulation.

 

Once again I could have written this post. With women no matter who it always seemed like work with the end result much less than spectacular to say the least. It was just so mechanical and meh! Losing interest in women and then finally the ability to be physically intimate with a woman just freed me totally. It was complete relief to be done with heterosexuality. The first time I was physical intimate with another man I was in heaven. For me anal was the most extraordinary sexual experience of my life. Sensual and erotic are not descriptive enough to convey the pleasure I experienced. The first time i took him in my mouth I knew beyond any doubt I was gay and loved every minute of it. I just wanted to please him over and over again.

 

This rings so so true. 90% of my sexual thoughts are about men. And when I've been with women I almost always end up trying to avoid sex or it feels like a chore. Where as even hearing the word "gay" my whole body perks up and I look around to see if someone is talking about me, a weird paranoia.

 

Looking back I realize how much I did this- avoided sex and having it feel like a chore. But it was also hard to let go of. It was one thing to have gay fantasies and think it was a quark, but another to give up the idea that it was 'temporary ed' and actively admit to myself I really don't like having sex with women.

I never had dreams of fantasies about multiple female partner but I have fantasies of giving blow jobs to multiple men.

 

When a couple of girlfriends 'accused' me of being gay I was terrified, it's like the found out a secret about me I wasn't willing to even tell myself yet. But part of me also liked it.

Once you accept yourself it feels wonderful when someone else acknowledges your sexuality (as long as it is in s safe environment). The other day a woman friend of mine I came out to me offered to give me one of her how to please men sex books, I loved to being able to talk about sex naturally with her!

 

At the beginning of my sexual journey while I acknowledged I was gay to myself I wanted to hide it from others. I took pains to deny even the least insinuation I might be gay. Now I revel in my homosexuality. I want the world to know I am a proud gay man. When I am acknowledged as such it is still a huge turn on.

 

At the beginning of my journey I accepted I was bisexual with a preference for women. I was still in denial and this was the only was I could rationalise and move forward. Over the next couple of years I moved up the Kinsey scale to a 5 as my homosexual side pretty much took over. My interest in women dwindled. I say dwindled, but it really wasn't there in the first place. I never truly had much interest.

For me, I had a fascination with anal since I first saw gay pornography many years ago and it's only got stronger over the years. I have always felt this passage for me was a two-way street. I fought being gay all my life up until the point that I couldn't deny it any more and when I finally said "I'm gay" out aloud, it was liberating. A weight was lifted off my shoulders and it was emphatically the best thing I ever did for myself. I am so happy to be gay and for me, it was a massive achievement to be proud of as that journey was long and arduous.

 

There comes a point where we realize that whatever our fascination with women (lots of gay men like women's fashion for example) it's not sexual. During denial we use it as an excuse to say say we're bi or straight.

I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming postive feelings I had when I first looked into the mirror and said I was gay. I started trembling with joy and a warm feeling came over me. I felt a deep happiness I never knew before.

When I first came here, I was terrified, in denial, arguing with people, I never thought I would feel so good about being gay.

 

In regards to women I felt the same. For years I pretended to be interested because that what real men did. However as my thinking transition and I acknowledged my same sex attraction I started to analyze that interest. What I discovered was that it was artificial interest in the first place. If I am honest I was never that into sexual intimacy with women. It just was a mechanical act with nothing emotional attached to it. I just wanted release and then I wanted it over.
As I started to accept my same sex attraction and watch some gay pornography I too became fascinated with the idea of anal with another man. It seemed so erotic and sensual, so much more desirable than anything with a woman. What I found was that indeed sexual intimacy with another man was beyond anything I could have imagined. It was the culmination of years of unfulfilled sexual desire. It was and is the most intimate wonderful sexual expression of man to man passion imaginable. It is beautiful!

 

I think the ability to have sex with a woman and release helped keep me in denial. I orgasm so I am not gay. But it was a chore and trying to stimulate a woman. I couple of girlfriends saw through it and one in finally got so frustrated she said "are you sure you're not gay, it's ok". I should have said yes...No woman I was ever with said I was good in bed.
I have limited gay sex experience, but it felt so natural, and two men complemented me - one during my first blow job said "Wow, pretty good". I looked up and said "just pretty good? hmm I think I need more practice" and went down again and had him moaning. (if a woman just said pretty good I would have felt anxious) It felt so natural, and I was enjoying it so much I didn't care about my own sexual organ being stimulated - which was the only thing I cared about when I was with a woman.

 

As you gain more experience gay sexuality becomes incredible. As you liberate yourself from the toxic heteronormative programming and realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about finding pleasure with another man your sexual horizons will expand. You become more concerned with your partner’s pleasure which in turn heightens your own pleasure. Gay sexuality now to me seems to natural, so right, so pleasurable and so normal. I am not afraid to admit I am turned on by another man’s penis or ass. It is completely natural and for me so much better than a woman’s body.

 

Oh my god, totally. I used to tense up whenever a gay character appeared on screen in a show if I was watching with others, as if they'd immediately realize the truth about me. I'd feel myself close down to protect that part of myself.
And to be able to openly talk about men and sex...that would be a dream.

 

I remember there was this widely held idea that a woman's body is beautiful and the male form is not, it's just functional. Even people who'd say there is nothing attractive about a penis. And I'd always feel myself completely revolt at the idea and think "are you kidding me? the male body is the most beautiful thing in the world and the penis isn't just gorgeous, it's mouth watering. How do you not all see that?!" haha

 

I'm realizing that my telling myself that I'm bi is an act of self deception and (what I think to be) self preservation. Fear of accepting a gay identity. Fear of loss. All that.

 

We are so programmed with toxic heteronormative brainwashing that it takes time to be able to finally comfortably acknowledge the beauty of the male form. As I was finally coming to terms with being gay I remember being on a beach and seeing some smoking hot guys. I immediately stopped looking until I said to myself “ hey wait, it’s ok to look, I gay”. Only then did I start to feel the normalcy of looking at other guys as objects of sexual desire.

 

Wow, yea, I always used to do the same thing. Immediately whip my head away from any cute guy, super awkwardly and internally scolding myself or pretending I didn't want to look. But if I met a guys gaze across the room and held it I'll feel heat swelling up through my whole chest.