Possibly Gay, trying to accept

Hello, @CJZ!

Chip has already given some excellent feedback, but I thought I'd pitch in my two cents too, as it were. Internalized homophobia can definitely create a blockage early on, making acceptance a bit of a struggle. It's also fairly common for someone first coming out to have trouble envisioning intimacy with the same sex. I certainly had this problem for some time prior to coming out, and for some months following. The process can be gradual, filled with dips and valleys for some. For others, it happens quickly and with little difficulty. Each case is different, because people are different.

The important thing is to give yourself time. There's no need to rush into it, and there's no shame in coming out later in life. One thing I found that helped when I was grappling with my orientation was to watch videos and read articles about it. The more you expose yourself to it, the more you'll normalize it and hopefully allow yourself to accept and embrace this part of yourself.

 

I've always been pretty picky with my attractions; first with women. A lot of times girls my friends were lookin' at I thought 'I don't know what they see in that,' while I definitely found some women attractive, maybe not the ones most guys like. Since discovering myself, I seem to be just as, if not more picky with guys. This might be why I went so long myself without learning/admitting. Most guys I see I have no attraction to what-so-ever.

Some people on the other hand; for example I work with a guy who is so horny he seems always ready and willing to screw anybody and anything... I think everybody's just different in that way.

 

No trouble at all! ^_^

I think for some people that is certainly true--or perhaps that as you accept this part of yourself, you allow yourself to be more open and honest regarding the types of people that attract you. Porn might have given you some unrealistic standards, certainly, but it might also be your particular taste in men. I think only time will tell which case proves to be true for you.

 

It takes awhile to combat internalized homophobia. In my case I really thought my attraction was simply sexual. Over a short period of time as I became comfortable with all the aspects of gay sexuality I started to want more. I started to fantasize about an emotional and romantic relationship as well. Again in a fairly short period of time I felt more and more ready to embrace a true relationship. Once I became his boyfriend which felt so right, so comfortable I started to work in my aversion to PDA.That aversion started to fade as well. As I became an proud openly gay man all that internalized homophobia and heteronormative programming just became a non issue. It was so liberating to finally embrace the real me with no reservations, remorse, guilt and start to live authentic. Good luck on your journey.

 

I can’t stress how much this story relates to my own.

I too a’ trying to figure it out as well.

My entire life I’ve always thought I was straight. My first crush was a girl in grade 2. Always pleasured myself to straight porn. Dated women and was even engaged to one thinking she was the one (she left me).

Not until I was 22 I just curiously started watching gay porn. That’s all it was. Still felt straight and never even batted an eye at it. I then met the women I was planning on getting married to. Once I struck up a relationship with her, all gay porn watching went out the window and we had a great sex life. I never felt the need to go out and experiment tho. I’ve never had desires to be with another man like I have with women. So I’ve never experimented. Whenever I let my mind wander without porn, my fantasies have always been with women. Never been able to do that with men. But I feel that I may need to experiment to help figure this out (struggling coming to terms with that too)

After my relationship ended, I started occasionally watching gay porn again. But still never batted an eye at it.

It wasn’t until a friend of mine came across some gay porn on my phone and made me feel really shitty about it (asking me super passive aggressive questions in regard to my sexually - not knowing that I knew what he just found out) I’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt ever since.

Now these days I’m struggling getting off to anything these days when I used to be ready to go at the simple thought of sex. But I’m also dealing with some pretty hard anxiety and depression that was set in from this reasoning - probably the reason forming impotence.

It’s comforting knowing that there are people out there that are also questioning pretty much taking the same path that I did. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone.

 

Many of us, when we start looking back realize there were subtle signs ....but also sex, stimulation feels good - so it could be we grow we are told sex= with women - and find out that being stimulated by a girlfriend feels good - it's not until we imagine the possibility of being gay that we say oh WOW this is what arousal feels like!

Yeah this sounds familiar I realized I was pretty much only attracted by a women's ass....but that I wasn't really 'aroused' I was attracted...because subconsciously, it indicated what I really wanted.

Before I accepted myself I had a few drunken hook ups with guys and chickened out in the middle and I used that for 'denial'.

I wrote off gay as a fetish/fantasy - when I finally started to accept myself I finally started to have desire for this aspect -I was reading about figuring out sexuality - and one very helpful site (wish I could remember) said this part can be difficult so just try to imagine, for example going out to dinner and holding someone's hand - I was able to just start imagining that small intimate moment -and it's like it grew from there. In once sense you're like a teenager again relearning all this stuff.

This was my personal experience.

This can be a little scary feeling when you first start to accept yourself - it can be like scary roller coaster ride -thrilling but fun but sometimes a little scary..

Sounds like you pretty much realize you're gay, that's a great first step! But I wouldn't but barriers to coming out - it's a process - very slow for me - looking back because I put barriers like this!

 

Honestly Its been a long hard struggle with me and it continues - I have begun therapy finally and I have come out to a couple of people.
It might be better if I gave you advice NOT what to do:

• don't wait for the perfect moment, or until you have had a sex experience - just keep moving forward -take baby steps every day.
• Don't say things like "no sense coming out until I have boyfriend' or something similar. Coming out is something you owe to yourself.

A good start might be changing your orientation in your profile here. I remember my hands were shaking when I finally did it.

Romantic attraction went through the roof and became super compelling. Shame became less and less. When I used to masturbate about gay sex i would quickly 'switch' to a woman - i stopped doing that - and would feel guilty for days, then it was just a day then it was just hours now there is no shame.
I began to feel good about being gay and began to feel glad that I had this capacity to be intimate with someone - before I thought "I am a loner and can't be close to anyone" now I realize it was because I was assuming that romantic=with a woman.
Starting to notice guys in real life.

For some reason the idea just never appealed to me and I never considered it - even though I can be aroused by women... one of the best posts about that was by @OGS

once I accepted I was gay - and lot of men experienced similar here - attraction to women faded to the point where I realized I was actually repulsed by the idea of sex with women though I still might find them attractive.

 

I had the exact feelings you write about here:

Reading this objectively- does this sound like someone straight or even bi?

 

If you believe you are gay - and only you can know but from what I read - I went through all of this as did a lot of user stories I have read on this site - it sounds like you know you're gay and as @Chip said you're dealing with one of the 'stages' bargaining - well, I am gay but I want to wait until x ......

If you believe you are gay and assuming you live in a place where it's safe to do - rather than 'worry' about those things just take the steps to start coming out. Maybe it's not dating first maybe its just building community -the local LGBTQ center or a meet up.... One thing that really made me realize that my 'doubt' was really fear was calling a gay center during their counselling hours and speaking with someone - i felt no shame or doubt - in fact I felt like me just calling them and saying I was gay. I realized what I really feared was what others thought, around other gay people I felt 'normal' and even happy about being gay.

I still have a 'type' that I like what expanded was imagining the romantic part, which I realized appealed to me as much or more than the sexual part.