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Is my anxiety regarding sexuality a result of shame?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by chris123, May 20, 2021.

  1. chris123

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    That’s an interesting point. For me, as I have said before, I sometimes will be jerking off to a girl, then, at the point of climax, my mind will switch to a guy. This has happened since I was a teenager. But back then I would be confused like “why is my mind doing that?”. And I guess I would kind of suppress the orgasm, because of the image of a guy rather than the girl I was fantasising about right until the point of climax. But I think this was also something which my brain latched on to as something that would happen when orgasming. It wouldn’t happen every time, but it was definitely something I was aware of. But then also, my brain seems to fire all kinds of random thoughts at me at climax. Like, an office call, my cat, anything. There are times when it seems to be anything BUT what I was fantasising about to get me there. And like I said, I have tried to fantasise about guys so much. I can kinda mix my fantasies with girls, get erect, then start testing my responses to girls and guys. But any kind of indication that I may be feeling aroused by a guy is instantly met by anxiety.

    Yeah, I checked out your profile. I saw that your questioning started around 6 years ago? And you attributed it to OCD then too. Looking back to then, were you having gay fantasies which you would get off to, even in the “this is OCD” phase?

    The differentiation is tough for me to recognise. I masturbate solely to girls, but as I’ve mentioned previously, any kind of indication that my fantasies go to guys is met by anxiety, then a deep breath telling myself it’s fine. Then trying to get back into the mood again and switch to a guy, but realising that same arousal wasn’t there for a guy. And then, if I did feel there was any indication of arousal, anxiety about this, breathe, relax, try again. And obviously with my testing and what I mentioned earlier about guys coming to mind when orgasming, when I would eventually climax after fantasising about girls, and the guy would come to mind, and I let myself orgasm, there would be anxiety at the same time which almost amplified the orgasm. After that, I would feel anxious, guilty (?), but try to relax into the thought that I was gay. The anxiety would fade, my mind would wander, with the acceptance of the thoughts that I’m gay, and then that would be that.

    Now, looking at that, it seems that if I actually had the ability to get off to guys, that would be decided, right? I’d be gay. And maybe I recognise that, which is why any indication of actual attraction or arousal would shatter this “OCD” charade which is actually a tool of denial. Like, honestly, I can see myself in both of your positions down the road. Oh yes, it wasn’t OCD, you were gay, how obvious it was. And that scares me. That scares me that I’m actually scared of accepting who I am, how my life will change, that the anxiety is shame. What people think? That doesn’t bother me so much (I think?) But maybe that’s what the anxiety will change to. From “am I aroused/gay/attracted to him”, to “oh shit I am attracted to him” to “oh shit what will other people think of me?” That I’m so deep in denial, or still so early in the process of coming out that I have yet to accept myself (which, from what I’ve read here, can take years for some people). And that this idea that it’s OCD, which I’m seeking reinforcement on here, is just a tool for denial in terms of “it’s easier to call this OCD than to face the truth” which seems to be a common theme for people in denial. Hell, if I google “anxiety am i gay” or something along those lines, the first 10 results are about HOCD.

    I almost feel like I want to blurt out that I’m gay, or come out. But also don’t want to because once I do that, there’s no going back to this straight identity.
     
    #61 chris123, Jul 14, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2021
  2. Sadness

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    Its interesting how we are able to see the patterns in others posts, but we cant see it in ourselves.

    I am actually going through the same thing but i can see exactly your pattern but cant see in me.

    You said you masturbate solely to girls and it arouses you right? Otherwise i dont think you would even be able to masturbate to woman.

    I am not sure of that and i would like very much if someone who went through denial explained if i am wrong but even feeling anxiety you would feel arousal, a huge hard on like you do with woman, the only reason for you to be feeling anxiety such as me is the same: fear. You dont feel anxious bc you know you are aroused to it, bc if you do, you would be already ejaculated tons of times to men, you fear that your mind thinking about guys will turn you on, and possibly a feeling in your groin is the proof that you are indeed gay, when actually is not.

    When you breath and go back testing to men, do you get super hard, aroused, and all that, bc for me when i take a breath and repeat the cycle i wont feel it anymore, or it will be lesser than it was before, but i dont get hard, and i dont think you do too.

    About the images of guys popping up before climax and feeling more "aroused" or the orgasm feels stronger, i think its simply because of the fear and anxkety that comes along, when we fear our senses tends to get higher and more sensitive, so you strong orgasm is just bc of the scare, thats what i think, since a lot of times this occured to me too, i was about to orgasm and a penis would just appear in my head, i would try to stop masturbating with all that i had and was so anxious and scared, but the orgasm was stronget than if i didnt had this intrusive image. Because i was anxious, thats what i think, since when i know im close to orgasm i change to men bc i want to, and i lose erection.

    And like i said, intrusive images, you cant co trol them, thats why they appear in your head, and this happens with me a lot, im getting aroused, boom a dick appears or a man, then i get aroused "faster" but then if i start to look at the man/penis i go flaccid. That is just intrusive thoughts.

    I know you dont want to hear this from someone like me, since im in tthe same boat and feel the exact same thing, you probably want to hear from @Chip or @out2019, since they know about themselves. But this is what i think, i still only see ocd.
     
  3. Chip

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    I'm with Sadness on this. This is OCD and nothing more.

    And, as previously discussed, it doesn't matter who or how many people say it... it is impossible for the person with OCD to believe it. That's a function of the hijacked brain chemistry.

    Please see a therapist. And most likely, you're going to need medication as well.
     
  4. fdfsdf

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    To be honest, all I was doing was hiding behind OCD. That was my form of denial. And yes, during all of that time, I had same sex thoughts that I would masturbate to. And enjoyed. But I just did not want to completely believe it. The thought of what my family would think is what made my denial very strong. I have to agree with the others though. This is something a therapist will have to help with. Though my sexual orientation OCD was not real perse I do know what its like to have OCD because I have it over medical things. No matter what anyone tells me that I am fine, I never believe it. So I def need help for that.
     
  5. chris123

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    Thanks all for your quick responses. I take your points that it is likely OCD, and yet it feels like deep down I know that’s not true. I’ve basically been sexually inactive for all my 20s, I’m turning 28 Sunday and can count the girls I’ve hooked up with. I definitely felt the sexual attraction/desire, but no real fireworks. Whereas when I imagine how it would be with a guy, the anxiety which kicks in almost feels like excitement, I guess it feels like I really feel something, because yesterday I was at my friend’s place and I thought to myself “would I want to bang either of these now?” (Both girls) and I just wasn’t feeling it. But I’ve fantasised about them countless times while masturbating lol, but when I’m actually there in the moment I don’t feel it. And then i thought about a guy friend and, although there was anxiety, I felt if he was there I would have more of an urge to make a move on him. But then I get this rush of anxiety, and this feeling that I want to push him away, like clenching fists, and lashing out. But I’ve tried to masturbate to this guy too in my fantasies, but it just doesn’t do it for me. That’s why I’m confused in a sense, because people here always say “it’s who you fantasise about which is a clear indicator of your sexuality”, whereas it almost seems to be opposite in real life? I’m not sure if it has to do with my lack of experience of girls and high porn consumption, which may have wired me to see them as objects as in my fantasies where I can be in control, so in reality if there is any other situation I freeze up/lose attraction?

    Reading this back just seems like bargaining to me. That these urges to act with guys, even though give extreme anxiety and a fight or flight response, are more something I would act on than girls.

    I’ll try reach out to a therapist again for availability. I have a couple of OCD books which seem good, but when I read them I just think “god what a load of shit chris, just accept you’re gay. Talk to someone about it. Stop trying to use OCD as an excuse not to face up to it and accept it!”
     
  6. Chip

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    But it is anxiety, and not excitement. They are different.

    So you are conflating "I'm not attracted to these two girls in particular" with "I'm gay." They are completely different things. No straight guy is attracted to every woman, and no gay guy is attracted to every guy. I suspect you might have an additional issue going on, which I'll address below.

    There's a huge difference between trying to masturbate to something because you have OCD that's creating an obsession to continually test something... and actually being attracted to what you're masturbating to. You've clearly described that, even though you endlessly masturbate thinking about guys, it's never arousing... but when you think about girls, it is. That's pretty solid evidence. Not that your OCD-hijacked brain will allow you to see that, but to anyone else looking at it objectively, it's obvious.

    Ah, here's the crux: It isn't opposite! You have zero attraction to guys, you don't get aroused masturbating thinking about them, and it gives you anxiety to think that you might be aroused by them. Nothing there remotely makes any sense in the context of being attracted to guys.

    BUT... you've hooked up with a bunch of girls, and presumably you've been aroused during that, while you have never felt arousal when masturbating to guys. There's no comparison here.

    And this is where it gets interesting: OCD is an anxiety-spectrum disorder, and some of the latest research indicates that it may originate from attachment trauma or otherwise with difficulties getting one's needs met as an infant or child. There's voluminous data showing that a child or infant who doesn't get their needs met, or who doesn't feel safe, adapts their behavior. This happens instinctively, it's a response to a hardwired need to survive. The infant knows that they will die without the caregiving parent, so they stop asking for their needs and shut down their emotions if the needs aren't met.

    What does this mean later in life? Well, there are a lot of variables, but commonly, the child who doesn't feel safe develops a hyper-alert response. Their adrenalin pathway is overdeveloped, and their self-soothing pathway (endorphin, serotonin, oxytocin) is underdeveloped. This is, again, a survival mechanism. It works in the short term.

    But what does it mean in the long term? If serotonin, endorphin, and oxytocin pathways are underdeveloped. the individual will go through life with a lot of numbness. They won't feel a whole lot other than anxiety. THey will have difficulty feeling real connection and belonging and love, because they suppressed that early in life because it wasn't available, and so they learned not to expect it. As adults, these folks have difficulty feeling real connection to others. They might have sex, and they might orgasm, but they don't really feel the intensity of the relationship in the way someone whose pathways are normally developed. On the other hand, they have an adrenalin pathway that is overdeveloped, so something that is a very mild concern, that would provoke a "meh" response, will instead provoke a strong anxiety response.

    So basically, our experiences early in life hard wire our brains to react this way. It isn't safe to feel closeness and connection... because it isn't there... so we shut it off. And we learn to be hypervigilant to anything that could possibly go wrong.

    Keep in mind two things:

    a. Trauma or attachment failures do not have to be significant for an infant to adapt. A mother that is depressed, anxious, stressed, overloaded with work, in an abusive relationship, has been sexually abused, is stressed about paying rent or keeping food on the table, or any of a dozen other things may have difficulty being truly present for her child. But the child doesn't know this... they see the world egocentrically; everything revolves around them. They cause everyone to behave the way they do. That's just the way kids are wired. So they cannot figure out that Mom is stressed or depressed. All they know is their needs aren't being met, and it hurts. Which brings us to...

    b. This is not the parent's fault. It's a direct byproduct of the parent's own wounds and experiences that they had growing up. So the trauma looks genetic... but it isn't. It's passed down family-to-family.

    I personally have a very strong suspicion that nearly all of the people who claim to be demisexual or aromantic or asexual are not actually hardwired in this way; it is a byproduct of trauma. And there is some evidence (though it has not been widely studied yet) that supports this.

    The trauma model origin also explains why there are suddenly way more people with OCD, way more people claiming asexuality or other muted sexual attraction: it's a brain wiring byproduct of their early-life attachment failures. And those failures are becoming more common as people are living more stressed lives, especially in the US.

    So what all this means for you is:

    a. You almost certainly aren't gay.

    b. You almost certainly have OCD.

    c. The OCD is very likely a byproduct of the early-life experiences I described above.

    d. The same early-life experiences also explain why you have difficulty being fully present and engaged with women. It isn't because you're gay, it's because the neural pathways associated with the sort of deep connection, love, romance, and connection are underdeveloped, while the anxiety pathways are overdeveloped.

    e. This is fixable. Especially for people who are in their twenties or younger, our brains are remarkably pliable and resilient. Medication will help the deficient pathways to function in the short term, and buy you time and capacity to connect. In the long term, cultivating meaningful social connections (they don't need to be sexual) where you feel listened to, understood, and like someone deeply cares (as a friend or even a therapist can do) actively rewires the deficient pathways in the brain. It's rebuilding the deficient pathways in the same way that a healthy relationship between parent and child would have done in the first place. It takes longer, because a 27 year old's brain isn't as malleable as a 1 year old's brain... but it still happens.

    So in short: No, you aren't gay. No, having difficulty with feeling connection to women has nothing to do with being gay. But both the fear of being gay and the difficulty connecting to women come from the same root: attachment trauma. And that can be fixed by cultivating healthy, emotionally intimate friendships with people of either sex. And in the meantime you need medication to help the deficient pathways so you can let go of the obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and difficulty connecting with others.

    If you are interested in learning more on this topic, I recommend Gabor Maté's online video course "Healing Trauma and Addiction" or his books "Hold On to Your Kids" and "When The Body Says No"
     
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  7. Sadness

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    Wow i feel like im in a lecture, its very good for us to have someone like you here. Youre very suportive too.

    Btw, i have been called gay my hole life, dont know since when but it was since i was a kid ppl started calling me gay, one of the reasons is bc i used not to kiss girls, i would always say no to a girl that wanted to kiss me bc i already liked another girl, and to me it was fine but not to my friends, but i remember being called gay way before this. I dont know if this fits on the trauma aspect or something.
     
  8. Leynz45

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    This describes exactly my life.I was Obssesed since my childhood of many things.I dont had any Friends.I wanted like the other kids.I wanted a girl friend or beeing fame in the school.I remember i had fantasies about rescue people to demonstrate that iam a hero dont forget me.I had depressions about that.Long time ago with 16 years i was an agressive bullie.It was a ravenge to my broken childhood.Iam 21 now and i lose many years.Other kids played together or made birthday parties.Nobody called me.I am and i was different.I took pills or took drugs to change my personality.I think i will die alone.I know its a shit imagine but iam not like the others.They are better than me.Iam bad in video games,playing football.Iam skinny i look like an skeleton.Now i think iam gay.Depression sucks.
     
    #68 Leynz45, Jul 15, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2021
  9. Chip

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    Reread what I wrote. This is solvable. You have to want to solve it, but it's solvable. In your case, that means getting help: starting therapy, likely getting medication, and finding ways to engage in healthy friendships that will rebuild the neural pathways. It may seem insurmountable, but it isn't.
     
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  10. Chip

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    Probably. The behaviors that got people calling that way are learned, adaptive behaviors from very early in life that enabled you to survive. The bullying and name-calling caused another kind of adaptation that likely contributed to the OCD. So yes, it fits into the trauma narrative.
     
  11. out2019

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    What's the simplest answer? You're not attracted to guys.
    When I was in denial/repression - I would have JUMPED at the chance to validate that I was straight by experiencing everything you are right now.

    yes that's the OCD you really sound like you need professional help for this - a good therapist is like a good physical therapist - will teach you ways to see the difference. One of the simplest is just 'labeling' - oh there's my ocd again...
    At least try reading a book like Brain Lock but at this point if it's really disrupting you like this professional help might be needed.

    The worst thing you can do, but what you seem to keep doing - is trying to think you're way out of it.

    At least three gay guys have told you they see nothing in your posts that remotely indicates you are gay. I went through some heavy denial and anxiety but no matter what the denial, anxiety, repression the attraction to men and the fantasies about being with a man were always there.
     
    #71 out2019, Jul 15, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2021
  12. Sadness

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    Its just weird to me because it never affected my life before. I was always been called gay but i never got upset about bc i knew i wasnt. But suddenly all this starts, i feel sad that thid is actually a trauma, bc it shouldnt be. So my ocd worsened bc of this trauma too? I do hope that i got things clear once and for all. Im working on to win all this.
     
  13. Chip

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    Interestingly, I was just reading a study today looking at childhood traumas and their impact on mental health issues.

    There’s very solid research that different types of trauma impacts different parts of the brain. Additionally, trauma at specific ages impacts various parts of the brain very differently.

    The really interesting part, to me, is that there is a delayed effect with certain types of trauma. The impact on the brain may be delayed 5 or 10 or 15 years. So for example, the OCD that shows up last year might be from a delayed effect of a trauma that occurred 15 years ago.

    All of this is telatively new research (last ~10 years) and the study I was reading was a meta study looking at dozens of other studies in brain research.
    The other interesting take away is that the byproducts of the traumas are not damage so much as adaptive strategies. In other words, there is some purpose to the behavior. In the case of OCD, it starts as a form of protection… being vigilant to surroundings or situations to keep yourself safe… that basically overdeveloped.

    The research is now moving in the direction of identifying strategies that can repattern the specific parts of the brain that t have adapted in a maladaptive way.
     
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  14. Mihael

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    *something* must have been the trigger. Or... don't tell us. Sometimes psychological triggers are too stupid and shameful to talk about them. But you know, you have to think even about "someone told me something", "I almost had a car accident", "I saw something or read something or has a nonsense association with something very routine and it really hit me". Then think the the actual hell made you interpret the situation this way, and why you're interpreting it this way. The trigger might have been also some situation that lasted for a long time, like a certain job or a flatmate.
     
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  15. masterofnone

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    yes i very much agree with this. i’ve been bullied, outcasted and seen a lot of stuff in my personal life. there’s been people who thought i was gay or called me gay but i think that’s just cause i’m just different. i’m not a hyper masculine guy but at the same time i’m also far from feminine. to Mihaels point my ocd around sexuality was triggered by one of my best friends coming out to me, i was just entering a relationship and was having performance anxiety so it all added up. also what chip said about not being able to really feel the passion in relationships because of a lack of love in childhood really connected with me. i’ve always found it hard to really feel love and usually i’m really afraid of it. trauma definitely plays a big role in things
     
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  16. Mihael

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    If we ruled out you actually being gay already, I think you should address your anxiety abput relationships and having sex. It's normal to have anxiety around those. I think it must have added up with how anxious you were before, I mean, you must have been more anxious than the average person to begin with, be it because of your experiences or temperament. Anyway, a lot of people struggle with anxiety about relationships and about sex, and maybe this should be your starting point in unpacking your anxiety.
     
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  17. Chip

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    In masterofnone's case, it isn't that simple. It's a neurochemical imbalance that gave rise to OCD-spectrum symptoms. When we are dealing with OCD, we aren't dealing with rational thoughts that we can simply unpack. We have a neurochemical imbalance that is literally hijacking rational thought processes. You can't look at it and address it in the same way you would look at an ordinary diagnosis of anxiety.
     
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  18. Sadness

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    Wow i can see myself so much in this post. Im not such a masculine guy either, im not so strong, my voice is kind thin for my age, but i dont this really matters, everyone is different in their own way. My ocd started after a close best friend of mine at the time came out to me too, but at the time i was really happy for him and it was never a problem, my friends used to call us a gay couple since we were always together, but it never botheres me either, it actually kicked in once this friend of mine tried to hit on me a couple of times. At the moment i was awkward, but i knew it was just a joke and then we started laughing. But after this days all this started to pop up in my mind, "what if im gay?" At first it was just questions, then i started to watch gay porn (feeling grossed out), then i start fantasizing too, feeling the same, then i was at school one day and i was near my friends and i started to feel something down there, this weird feeling that has been with me sincr that day 3 years ago lol, and after that i started checking men outside and feeling this more currently than before, next to my friends, looking at man when i was out, and until now i feel this, i went through a lot of phases and feelings, the "erections".

    I never had a relationship neither had sex, but i got to say that is my main fear rn, having sex and feeling gross out when going down on a woman, its my top 1 fear at the moment, and i dont know what to do lol, i really want to pleasure a girl in the future, but im very afraid of not liking it and not getting up lol.

    And yeah like you said i dont feel passion anymore neither know what love really is, bc i dont feel anymore, all that i feel is the anxiety and chest tightening and fear when looking to a handsome men, its been ages since i fell in love too. I jhst dont know how it feels and how to know if im really in love with a girl. But i do think that porn has a big role here, since im addicted.
     
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  19. Ambigously

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    Very, very interesting Chip.

    I have been doing therapy for quite some time, and suffering from OCD (being obsessed I am gay), and I would say that you are spot on. For ages I've been thinking that some forms of OCD can't just be random. I know that some people have maybe 'faulty wiring', but others I think develop it as you say, through trauma.

    For myself, I know my childhood was traumatic. My mum was quite highly strung and crazy, my dad left when I was 7 to move a long way a way, I have abandonment issues. For my early sexual relationships I purposefully got into dysfunctional situations and searched out incompatible people. I built up huge amounts of anxiety to relationship with women, which seems to have just got worse and worse. I am very shut down, I don't feel 'love' unless it is an extreme situation of longing, or where someone is walking away from me. I hate being loved, it smothers me.

    All of this is probably just fear, but my brain has developed multitudinous ways to avoid attachment. And I think my OCD about being gay is another one of these.

    Thanks for being interested in this are of psychology. I think you too are right about the increase, but I'd also add it's possibly because being gay is more and more accepted, so as it becomes more normal then people can be allowed to question it more, and hence develop maybe ocd around those questions. I think this is nothing but a good thing, and I can't wait until sexuality isn't a big deal at all for anyone, and noone has to live in fear, or in repression.
     
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  20. chris123

    Regular Member

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    Well, here we are again. But this time it feels I’m starting to piece this together. I really think the anxiety I get to this gay thoughts is a reaction of shame and guilt, mixed with internalised homophobia. The thoughts I get for guys are starting to break through my walls it feels. The walls I’ve put up, including this excuse of OCD, to deny myself from having to actually have to step back and accept the possibility/fact that I’m gay or bi.

    I have tried again to masturbate to gay thoughts. And it’s not nothing. There’s not no reaction. There is a reaction. I compare it to my reaction to, for example, having sex with a car, or something really abstract like that, where I know with 100% there is no certainty. And there is definitely more a reaction than that. I can actually feel like there is arousal/pleasure from when I masturbate to gay thoughts. I can’t orgasm to them (yet, I feel), but once I get to orgasm with thoughts about girls, like I said, my mind switches to guys, and if I let it, I can enjoy the orgasm. It almost feels more natural with guys. And then afterwards, when I’m in that relaxed state, I can picture myself with a guy. Or rather, the thoughts of being with a guy I let to just sit there, and because of the state of mind I’m in, without any immediate associated anxiety, I can let the thought be there and enjoy it. Then it will drift away, and I will be relaxed. But then not long after, after this feeling of peace passes, I get anxiety again to any gay thoughts. I’m not sure if it’s shame, or disgust, but anxiety again. I ask myself sometimes “where does this anxiety come from?”. Now, if it’s OCD, and my brain hijacked, misfiring, fair enough. But it could also be from the shame or internalised homophobia. I had a nap today, and woke up. As always, my first thought was to this idea that I am/may be gay or bi. And then my mind kinda accepted it, was at peace, and then went to the reaction of others/need to tell people. And that gave me anxiety. Which lends its idea to the thought I fall more within the realms of anxiety stemming from being gay, rather than being straight with a mental illness (OCD).

    It feels like my “testing” or “compulsions” aren’t actually aimed at alleviating my anxiety anymore. Sure, there are times when I feel like I’m straight and I’m happy and the anxiety fades, but a lot more of it seems to be immediately seeing how I feel to a thought. Comparing it to thoughts of girls. Checking whether I feel aroused (which I sometimes feel like I do, or at least a weird tingling/feeling in my stomach). I don’t think I have ever gotten an erection to the thoughts, but it almost feels like I could, but this constant monitoring prevents it. Like if I would just let my body react naturally, I would. But because I’m monitoring my groin, and any signal that I am aroused/getting aroused immediately creates anxiety which naturally kills arousal, it’s impossible for me to gauge my actual response. The only thing I would say is that these tests would sometimes go into my dreams. And when I would wake up after thinking of gay thoughts, I would be able to feel myself get hard. Last night I also felt like what I can only describe as a very intense arousal to these gay thoughts when dreaming, but when I woke up I immediately had intense anxiety, checked whether I was hard, and then tried to go back to sleep. I know people have said that the subconscious mind will explore when dreaming, but it’s almost like this constant anxiety and monitoring of my emotions/arousal levels has fed into my dreams and without my conscious suppression/testing/anxiety response, they actually do cause arousal! I do get the sense that if I “relax and just let it happen”, I would be able to get aroused and enjoy the thoughts. But my immediate reaction to the thoughts, or the meaning/anxiety I attach to them, doesn’t let me. And this is why I find would be valuable for me to explore why the thoughts cause such anxiety, whether it’s deep rooted shame, anxiety of what others may think, internalised homophobia, etc. The thought of reading OCD books, going to therapy, etc just feels like a bit of a cop out. And there’s something inside me that knows it’s true that this is bullshit. That I need to address my issues with why being gay creates so much fear in me, and move from there.

    Apologies for my long winded message. And I really do appreciate the thoughts and suggestions that it’s OCD. And a part of me would love to believe it. But another part thinks that I’m suppressing or denying this side of me which almost feels like is obvious/right at this point. I really think I am. And even to the extent that maybe I still try to phrase my thoughts/feelings in a way where people will be able to suggest it’s OCD and I’m straight, and I can continue to hide behind this as an excuse. Because, to be honest, yes, being LGBT has its challenges. And I won’t lie and say it scares me to have to accept being part of a minority, and still reading so much bigotry in social media comments, or how if I were in different parts of the world I would have a much harder time. But also, do I want to accept OCD? It’s a horrible, debilitating disease. Especially if it’s not even genuine, and, as I suspect, an excuse to hide behind, and remain in this denial/bargaining phase which I feel like I’ve been in for so long already.
     
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