That’s an interesting point. For me, as I have said before, I sometimes will be jerking off to a girl, then, at the point of climax, my mind will switch to a guy. This has happened since I was a teenager. But back then I would be confused like “why is my mind doing that?”. And I guess I would kind of suppress the orgasm, because of the image of a guy rather than the girl I was fantasising about right until the point of climax. But I think this was also something which my brain latched on to as something that would happen when orgasming. It wouldn’t happen every time, but it was definitely something I was aware of. But then also, my brain seems to fire all kinds of random thoughts at me at climax. Like, an office call, my cat, anything. There are times when it seems to be anything BUT what I was fantasising about to get me there. And like I said, I have tried to fantasise about guys so much. I can kinda mix my fantasies with girls, get erect, then start testing my responses to girls and guys. But any kind of indication that I may be feeling aroused by a guy is instantly met by anxiety. Yeah, I checked out your profile. I saw that your questioning started around 6 years ago? And you attributed it to OCD then too. Looking back to then, were you having gay fantasies which you would get off to, even in the “this is OCD” phase? The differentiation is tough for me to recognise. I masturbate solely to girls, but as I’ve mentioned previously, any kind of indication that my fantasies go to guys is met by anxiety, then a deep breath telling myself it’s fine. Then trying to get back into the mood again and switch to a guy, but realising that same arousal wasn’t there for a guy. And then, if I did feel there was any indication of arousal, anxiety about this, breathe, relax, try again. And obviously with my testing and what I mentioned earlier about guys coming to mind when orgasming, when I would eventually climax after fantasising about girls, and the guy would come to mind, and I let myself orgasm, there would be anxiety at the same time which almost amplified the orgasm. After that, I would feel anxious, guilty (?), but try to relax into the thought that I was gay. The anxiety would fade, my mind would wander, with the acceptance of the thoughts that I’m gay, and then that would be that. Now, looking at that, it seems that if I actually had the ability to get off to guys, that would be decided, right? I’d be gay. And maybe I recognise that, which is why any indication of actual attraction or arousal would shatter this “OCD” charade which is actually a tool of denial. Like, honestly, I can see myself in both of your positions down the road. Oh yes, it wasn’t OCD, you were gay, how obvious it was. And that scares me. That scares me that I’m actually scared of accepting who I am, how my life will change, that the anxiety is shame. What people think? That doesn’t bother me so much (I think?) But maybe that’s what the anxiety will change to. From “am I aroused/gay/attracted to him”, to “oh shit I am attracted to him” to “oh shit what will other people think of me?” That I’m so deep in denial, or still so early in the process of coming out that I have yet to accept myself (which, from what I’ve read here, can take years for some people). And that this idea that it’s OCD, which I’m seeking reinforcement on here, is just a tool for denial in terms of “it’s easier to call this OCD than to face the truth” which seems to be a common theme for people in denial. Hell, if I google “anxiety am i gay” or something along those lines, the first 10 results are about HOCD. I almost feel like I want to blurt out that I’m gay, or come out. But also don’t want to because once I do that, there’s no going back to this straight identity.