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Is my anxiety regarding sexuality a result of shame?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by chris123, May 20, 2021.

  1. chris123

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    I just don't understand why I always get a pang of anxiety to the thought I may be gay. Like, any indication or suggestion of a gay feeling / attraction immediately gives me some anxiety. I would sit, thinking "maybe I'm gay/like guys", try to relax, imagine being sexual with one, feel some sort of response in my groin, feel the urge to masturbate/test how I respond while feeling anxious, go to bed, try masturbating, relax myself, then as soon as I feel I may be aroused or some kind of pleasure get a pang of anxiety which I feel like could be genuine proof I'm gay which then suppresses my potential arousal and try to keep going again.

    I can't enjoy normal masturbation now so much because I've tested so many times to guys it feels like they just come to mind. But when I climax, and I let my mind to to where it wants, it seems to fixate sometimes to a guy in pleasure, and the thought is like, stuck there. Like all my attention is pinpointing on it, and my head feels focussed on it. And because it's at the point of climax, it feels intense. Like, more intense pleasure than with girls. But I can't get to orgasm by thinking solely of guys in a relaxed state like with girls. I've tried so often to get close to it with girls, then switch to guys, then my arousal just vanishes. Or it feels almost like I subconsciously suppress it? Like, I will say to myself, yeah, guys, nothing wrong with that, just keep going. But I physiologically can't orgasm thinking about them as my fantasies. What's weird is that when I watch porn, and girls giving blowjobs, I get this idea/sensation in my mouth that I want to be doing it. But it's also like, me wanting to bite down / clench as a reaction to this urge, rather than pleasure necessarily. I think I may have an oral fixation. I used to bite my t shirt as a teenager, I bite my fingers/knuckles sometimes if I'm nervous, or chew/bite the lid of a bottle. Sometimes if I get the image of kissing a guy, I will try to let myself enjoy it. But it's just anxiety/fear, and again I get this urge to bite or lash out. It's strange. Like, is this just a defence mechanism of internalised homophobia?

    God I'm such a broken record lol. But this helps, posting on my thread. Putting my thoughts down. Sorry for the rant...
     
  2. masterofnone

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    the fact you literally cannot orgasm thinking about men is very telling. i’ve also gotten that feeling when watching a girl give a blowjob.
     
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  3. Sadness

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    I go through everything you said, i thought it was me writting lol, but yeah, all this seems ocd, i wish i knew about the immediatly anxiety feeling when a response appears, i have this too. But its probably ocd, @Chip once said something very interesting, that we shouldnt pick just a little thing and think it means were gay, there a lot of things to it. I think its ocd, both of us. Hope you be well. :slight_smile:
     
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  4. MistyMorn

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    I'm not a guy but maybe I can help? Sounds to me like you are so focused on needing to Prove It NOW that your giving yourself some serious anxiety. Have you tried not masturbating for some time and then seeing what happens? Maybe try fantasizing that it's actually another man touching you? Or try breathing exercises focusing on that or even watching something that isn't porn while doing it? Enough of a mental distraction to take your mind off of proving or disproving your sexuality.
     
  5. chris123

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    “This is not normal...the amount of concern and anxiety this gives me. I was out tonight, had a few drinks, and of course the thoughts started coming. It really feels like I have been missing this part of me all my life. This connection that everyone talks about, but the fact was I didn't realise for me it's with guys? I dunno if it's my anxiety or me seeing it clearly, but it really feels like I just need to accept myself. Work to accept my sexuality. That the "intrusive gay thoughts at climax" were actually just my true desires breaking through. As that is what my mind will naturally go to at climax if I let it. But not what I feel really turns me on...but maybe if I stop blocking it out at climax, and relax, let it happen, embrace the thoughts, that I'll realise that that's what does actually turn me on. But i’ve tried that so much. And while i do get this weird tingling feeling, it’s not genuine arousal i feel.

    Like I said, I was out tonight, with friends, drinking. I really don't think I should, as alcohol is a depressive drug, right? I don't feel good now. I had a bunch of anxiety for the last hour around this, and walking home it was close to a panic attack. Full on anxiety. Clicking fingers, zoning out, rubbing coins in my hands. And all from the thought I could be/am actually gay? Why can't I just accept it. I feel the anxiety is from the conflicting self identity. And that the "OCD urges" are just natural, actual urges that, without the associated anxiety, i may just want to act upon. But then does this mean my other “OCD themes” are too? Harm OCD? POCD?”

    ^I meant to post this last night, but for some reason it didn’t, but thought i’d post to show the kind of state of mind i get in. I think i need to stay away from alcohol, it really doesn’t do me any favours!
     
  6. chris123

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    Yeah, you would think so right? It gives anxiety, but if i try to accept and the anxiety subsides, it’s not something i think i can get off to.

    Thanks for your reply sadness. I’ve seen your posts, it seems we are in the same situation. Chip has given some really good advice over the past. And yeah, like you, i probably post these sometimes for reassurance from him that it’s OCD, not gay, etc etc, but it’s probably not good for us! Just another form of reassurance

    Hey Misty :slight_smile: Thanks a lot for your reply. I have tried that. The relaxing/breathing excercises, but it doesn’t seem to work. I can’t get a clear picture. But i will try to abstain from masturbating/porn for a while and try.
     
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  7. Sadness

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    I really think that this is like, "trying everything" type of deal to disprove youre gay. I also feel very anxious most of the time, bc its always in my mind "well, how can i not be gay if i get some response testing", i always think of that. I tried masturbate to a guy yesterday, and i got soft, there was only a moment when i would remember his moan in porn that i would get some response, so i just gave up, i was there for almost 15 minutes.

    And i really dont know if im just not bi either lol, but then i remember that im trying this for the last 2 years. Am i really supressing my arousal? Like, for 2 years? Doing it everyday, to only in some moments get sone erection? The thing is, i dont think its possible to supress arousal, if im wrong please someone tell me, but i dont think its possible, i wonder why sometimes the feeling fades when anxiety comes ngl, but, for some time i tried my best to disprove that i didnt like transwoman porn too, i did the same thing that i did with man, the difference is that i was always, always fully hard, i couldnt not get hard, even with the anxiety, i couldnt stop gerring hard, it was so good. And yeah now i say that i really like transwoman porn, it arouses me more than straight porn i think, a lot of times i focus on her penis when watching porn, does that mean im actually gay? Dont really know, since i cant get hard sseing just a penis, or thinking about one, or thinking of a men penis, it doesnt do it for me.

    I really would like to say to you how to stop this obsession, which in fact is, its clear to me that you have obsession. But im in the same boat, but i really think this is ocd, even if sometimes i dont think that lol. What i do, i try to remember chip and the others posts, and try to live with the uncertain and the anxiety that gives, before trying to masturbate or testing, i remeber this and i say to me "live with the anxiety, let it there, feel it", and move on with my life, well sometimes i cant lol, but it works for me. I have this urge to do, bc if i dont do i will be in denial, even if i tried this before and didnt get nothing, but this is so unpredictable that sometimes i get some responses in my penis, and then this is the proof i have to try again.

    Im taking meds, and working on just give up and live my life. I think you should do this, when the thought comes, just leave it there, dont try to explain, or think, just let it there, live with the uncertain and the anxiety.
     
  8. Chip

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    It isn't really possible to suppress arousal. People who try to do so end up miserable. BUT...

    This is an example of OCD at work. And OCD interferes with normal thought processes. So what you are experiencing in the above situation isn't natural arousal, but a hijacked brain that's screwing with your thinking.

    One of the problems with porn is that it is produced with the specific intent of causing arousal. Over time, our brain habituates to the stimulus, and it has less effect on us. So we seek out more extreme forms of porn. This is well documented in the scientific literature. So no, all this means is you are watching too much porn, getting desensitized to it, and seeking out new, more novel porn. If I were in your situation, I would stop watching porn entirely.

    And that's exactly how OCD works.
     
    #48 Chip, Jun 30, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2021
  9. Sadness

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    Yeah, i kind thought about this, its so hard to supress arousal, you cant just not get hard when youre aroused, thats what i think, but what do you mean by ending up miserable?

    Oh yeah i got that, the thing of getting aroused induces by anxiety type of deal, but are you talking about the transwoman porn? Bc if so i do really get aroused by it, once i accepted that liking transwoman isnt nothing wrong, i dont feel anxiety over transwoman anymore. Or are you talking about those events that anxiety appears immediatly when the feeling appears?

    Yeah i noticed that too, my porn taste kind escaleted to some weird things, like pegging, incest, rape and those horrible things, and transwoman porn too, now actually even gay porn sometimes give me some reaponses, so yeah, my taste indeed changed a lot. I feel bad for doing this after ngl, i dont like those things but its the only thing that gets me going in porn ):, im trying to quit though.

    Yeah i try to live with the anxiety, leave it aside and just live. And i know that this urge to do is ocd, and that i think im in denial is the thought process too, thats how it works, the bad thing is that i cant control this, mostly in porn i cant not test sometimes that a mans part appears on my cellphone and i feel a tingling or the scene arouses me lol.

    But ill try my best to be okay again :slight_smile:
     
  10. Chip

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    OCD has similarities to addiction in some ways in that there are triggers that take you into the obsessive behaviors. You may not be able to stop the behavior once it starts, but if you can catch it at or before the trigger point, you have a better chance of avoiding the whole cycle. And here... the key is... we both know those man parts don't just appear on your phone. You have to go looking for them, or have apps installed that show them. So one thing you can do is be aware of what behaviors you engage in that even lead you toward starting the cycle. That makes it a little easier.

    You can also do your best to notice when you're starting to engage and when that happens, disrupt the cycle. Take a breath. Run around the block. Put your hand in icewater. Something that draws your attention away. These are cognitive tricks people use to simply buy them enough time to say "No, I don't want to engage in this."

    None of this is to say that any of the above is easy with OCD. But it is one of many strategies, along with medication and therapy, can be really helpful.
     
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  11. Sadness

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    Yeah i fully understand you, i do know that im searching for these things, in porn mostly, ive beem trying hard to qiit porn but still sometimes i watch, but yes youre tottally right about that, the only ones i dont "search" for is those ones that comes when i wake up, like today i thought about a naked guy just when i wake up, i was sleepy so i didnt notice and i spent maybe 20 minutes in this lol, the funny thing is that i felt my penis growing and i could see it was growing but i wasnt hard, this is not the first time that happens though, but yeah, this is the only one that i dont search for.

    And yeah sure i do this most of the times, when this happens i tend to close my eyes and breath, and yeah this literally cut the feeling, its very weird but it works a lot, so i tend to this a lot of times, i just breath and close my eyes, works most of the times.

    Yes i know is not easy, but thank you for the tips, ill really try to pay attention on my behaviors thought. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Chip

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    That's how OCD works. Did you see my analogy about how folks with OCD see a house on a field that they are absolutely convinced is there... but 100 people behind them say it's not, and even walking onto the field and standing in the empty spot where they think a house sits doesn't change their perception?

    OCD literally hijacks your thoughts. It isn't rational, but it feels like it is.
     
    #52 Chip, Jul 3, 2021
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  13. chris123

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    Yeah, I saw the analogy you used above. Its interesting because if I objectively look at others here who have OCD like symptoms I can almost easily identify it and think "you're not obviously not gay, stop stressing" but when it comes to myself, I can't come to a conclusion I can settle on and be at peace with.

    Ive been masturbating to porn a lot recently, which for some reason seems to make me obssess a bit less/feel less anxious. However, my masturbation sessions I realise I still keep testing. Ive done it so regularly i almost do it subconsciously. By this, I mean I will masturbate to girls, then as I feel aroused, try to masturbate to guys riding off the wave of arousal from girls. However, the arousal quickly subsides, and I take not of this, then try again. Even typing this im like "well this is obviously repetitive testing, if you cant get off to thoughts of guys, surely you're just straight." And yet I keep doing it.

    Just a question of masturbating and sexuality in general. Is it like, physiologically impossible to get off to fantasies of a gender which is opposed to your innate, hardwired orientation? That it just doesn't do it for you? Is it why they say that masturbating to fantasies is one of the biggest indicators of your sexuality? Because, in that state of mind where you are free to explore without immediate judgement/shame, your mind will go and get aroused to fantasies which are in line with your orientation? It just seems like such a definite test, but one which looking at it does make sense.
     
  14. masterofnone

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    it’s probably not impossible to get off to fantasies that are opposite to your true orientation but i can imagine it wouldn’t be a very fun or enjoyable experience. whatever naturally comes to your mind without forcing anything, i think that’s what you like.
     
  15. out2019

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    You might not want to do all your fantasies in real life, and some people might have 'theme' fantasies like BSDM, but I would think the sex of who you imagine is the best indicator.

    Look, let me put it bluntly... I can naturally fantasize and get super super aroused thinking about giving a guy a blow job or receiving anal intercourse. My primary form of sexual arousal is around my partner's penis. I would rather blow a guy then have sex with a woman. That's me. Gay. I don't have to force it, try it, or mentally strain myself, it just comes naturally despite all the negative programming I had early in life.

    O-C-D
    That sounds like OCD. I tried to do the opposite when I was in denial about being gay. It never worked, and only you can be sure but it probably won't work for you.
    Testing is just going to make it worse and more confused. Are you doing anything to deal with it? Therapy? OCD specialist?
     
  16. chris123

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    Hey out2019, thanks for taking the time to reply. I’ve seen some of your posts come by here and would like to commend you on your journey. It sounds like you’re taking good steps and in a happier place now, good for you!

    Were these fantasies you always had? Even in the denial stages of being gay, were same sex fantasies the majority of your fantasies since you can remember? What you describe sounds like perfectly natural fantasising, and what I have done my whole life, but then for girls. I think this constant monitoring of arousal, trying to get off to guys, analysing what this means, anxiety, etc. It just doesn’t sound or feel healthy/normal. But I guess what kinda keeps me in the loop is if my mind were to wonder towards guys, my brain immediately recognises that as a threat, or intrusive, ego-dystonic thought, and it creates an anxiety response. And I think the issue which I’ve had is that for so long now I’ve tried to just accept the thought as truth, and part of me is saying “just accept it”. I’ve been on the forums here for so long, and seen so many similar stories to yours, out2019, where it’s something you need to accept and embrace, and although it may be tough, you come out of it a lot better! So I almost feel like I’m compelled to do the same, to keep trying to accept it as I don’t want to live in denial, but it only confuses/distorts my thoughts even more.

    And that kind of falls in line with the “testing only makes it worse” line. I feel I’ve tested and tried for so long to “accept myself” as being gay, it just leads me deeper into a state of confusion, almost one which I feel I can’t / shouldn’t turn back from now. Like, I’ve spent so much energy trying to accept I’m gay, and it almost feels like I need to now, just for closure. But, like you had with girls, no matter how much I try to, I can’t get aroused in my fantasies about guys. Like, sure, I can get hard as a physiological reaction from masturbating/some associated anxiety while doing the “girl/guy/girl/guy” switch tests. But I can’t enjoy the thoughts, the fantasies, which I come up with, to the extent where I feel happy and aroused. Although it would scare me shitless, I almost wish I could, just for an answer. But there’s just something missing there when fantasising about guys. And that falls in line with every fantasy I’ve ever had. Before this obsession started years ago, I never had the urge/incline to fantasise about guys, always girls.

    It’s just confusing because my brain is so wired now to react to any kind of gay thought in such an extreme way. And to answer your question, I am not in regular therapy. And that’s silly, I know, but in a sense I almost feel like a bit of a fraud. Like, going to therapy would be a cop out for accepting who I am, and essentially be conversion therapy. As if there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to get rid of this part that questions whether I’m gay, and almost like I want to protect it as part of my identity…but then I’m not sure if that’s me having falsely convinced myself I’m gay, or whether it is indeed a true deep rooted desire which I am subconsciously holding on to.

    Sorry for the long post! And apologies again, my posts must be frustrating to read sometimes. I really don’t want to take focus or effort away from people who could use the views of people here on their own, genuine LGBT self discovery journey.
     
    #56 chris123, Jul 10, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2021
  17. out2019

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    Thank you. I was terrified of being gay. I tried to find every excuse in the book including HOCD, which was plausible for denial because I was extremely anxious about being gay. Then I realized that my anxiety where fears about what people might think, or getting 'found out' they weren't about me being gay, that made me feel great. See the difference!

    Now acceptance is the most beautiful feeling in the world. I love the idea of pleasing a man I love the idea of receiving anal intercourse, it doesn't cause anxiety, I realize for whatever reason this is how I am made to give and receive love.

    They were my first sexual ones around age 14. I was 'trying' to masturbate about the cute girls at school and was literally rubbing myself raw, then my mind went to a kid everyone called gay, I thought of him giving me a blow job and shot off in 30 seconds.

    Right there I should have known I was gay but I denied it.. but the fantasies kept coming, at first me giving him anal intercourse but then...I imagined giving him a blow job and from that moment on gay fantasies dominated my thoughts.

    But denial was strong with me when masturbating I would quickly (when orgasm was inevitable) "switch' to a girl and told myself I got off on her. Dating was kind of a thrill, it felt good to wanted and for example having sex with a woman can physically feel good - so I was able to go into denial (but I had to think about a guy often and my favorite position was doggie style -guess what it reminded me of?) . looking back .. do I sound straight to you? :slight_smile:

    I tried and tried to fantasize about women and occasionally had some but no where near as intense as with guys and no where near as 'natural'. I always had to mix in gay fantasies but just denied it after.

    In denial they were only about sex and i would feel so guilty I would not do it again for weeks sometimes, then i would go back to the 'switch' thing but once, for some reason I told myself once when masturbating, if I don't 'switch' and just orgasm to a guy, there was no turning back, and sure enough that was the beginning of acceptance. A few weeks later I was here.

    Then as I accepted myself I started to naturally fantasize about romantic things, dating intimacy.

    There is your answer, right there.

    yeah and no amount of thinking about it or analysis or testing is going to help as @Chip has advised.

    Accepting your are gay (and there is no indicator that your are) is not going to help you.

    Yeah maybe its an anxiety escape or something but if you can't fix it yourself there is no shame about getting professional help.
     
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  18. Chip

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    Chris, your issue is OCD, plain and simple. You have never shown any actual indication of attraction to same-sex people.

    Are you getting help for the OCD? Because no amount of talking, asking questions, testing, analyzing other poeple's situations is going to help you. The only thing that will is therapy and/or medication for OCD.
     
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  19. fdfsdf

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    Everyone here seems to be on the money. You just have extreme OCD and are not actually gay. When I was going through all of my OCD, I was actually getting extremely aroused to men. But I would deny it and think of it as a fetish. Then the next day I would do it all over again. When really, its because I am actually gay but was in terrible denial. Nowadays, I pretty much think about men sexually everyday and I'm almost perfectly happy with it. Nothing you say points to any actual attraction to men
     
    #59 fdfsdf, Jul 11, 2021
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  20. out2019

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    Yes exactly but really no amount of talk 'figuring it out' is going to help him that's what's so bad about OCD, they keep testing, asking and that's not the solution

    Many of us who were in denial used 'OCD' as an excuse, but really the anxiety was about accepting being gay, not about 'thinking i might be gay'. Pretty soon it became obvious though...

    OCD: I am afraid I might be gay because I noticed a guy was good looking.
    Gay: I saw a cute guy and started fantasizing about having sex with him and it felt so good, but I am so scared to come out.

    OCD: I am afraid I might start to like giving blow jobs.
    Gay: I want to give a blow job so badly, it just feels so natural but I am scared of what others might think.

    This makes sense to us now but unfortunately it really doesn't help someone with OCD
     
    #60 out2019, Jul 11, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2021
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