Your AHA! Moment

Love seeing all these stories. For me there wasn't really a single a ha moment but many many many little "wow's" and quite a few "uh ohs". Seeing my best friend shirtless when I was 8 and just staring. All through high school calling gay sex chat lines and getting my first real erections to the male voices. Kissing and oral with another boy at 13 and then forcing myself deep into the closet for fear of parents and AIDs. But it's been a game of whack a mole for years and the more I tried to suppress it, the harder (pun kinda intended) it came roaring back. So I think I finally got tired, felt the anxiety too high to keep hiding. Maybe wish I'd had the courage to just admit it and be open when I was in my late tens or twenties but everyone's road is different. I just know I love the word GAY now, and fully accepting queerness is still a ay to day challenge but the real A HA is knowing it's the right path for me.

 

It is interesting to read our various stories about realizing our true sexuality. Almost to a person we regret not coming to terms with our sexuality earlier. I too feel that way. I can’t imagine having all that teenage sexual energy as a gay teen. It would have been awesome regardless of the issues being gay bring.

 

I’m still not certain but I think over time the realisation that I had completely stopped masturbating to women EVER and that most of the time I had to pretend the woman was a man during sex were the big signs that something was up.

 

That seems to be a pretty common thread. I still have fantasies about women (being bi) but fantasies about men entering the picture were kind of a big wake-up call.

 

I guess I should clarify this is the part I had in mind. It came as a surprise the first time it happened.

 

I guess my aha moment was realising at the age of 50 that my most powerful and intense mastubatory fantasies for the past 30 years was gay sex, despite being married, and then finally acting on this irresistable force by booking mulitple massages with a massuse who taught me how to relax being touched and brought to orgasm by a man. It felt natural and when I had one on one sex with a man a few months later, for the first time everything fell into place. Im at a place of acknoledgement but maybe not acceptance.

 

My wife doesnt know, or at least I believe she doesnt..we no longer have straight sex, my desire is 100% gay. Its a very frustrating place to be. I realise I have been in the closet since about the age of 13 when puberty first hit and the same sex desires started. Similar story to many guys here, managed to supress it by denying my same sex fantasies were just a kink but it gets to a point where the feelings cant be held back and once I crossed the rubicon there was no turning back, its like the genie is released from the bottle. Funny thing is I knew that if I submitted to my desires this would happen but I still took the plunge. In the past I never has a problem with getting erections with a woman but since I have experienced sex with men my interest is now only men. It has now evolved again into a desire for a closer emotional connection with a man, the combination of the sexual desire and the emotional desire has somehow taken me to another dimension of gay desire.

 

Did you gay sex before you were married? I never did, looking back i can see so many times now where other gay guys hit on me, but at the time I was so deep in the closet it wasn't apparent to me yet, but obviously to others like me.

 

Yes, that how I find myself now, no interest in hero, only homosex.

 

I'm reaching the same position, thrilling and terrifying at the same time..like standing in the edge of something big

 

Totally on the same page with both of you. Got married even

I am totally on the same pages with you guys. Got married while suppressing my gay truth, pretending it was just a phase. But man oh man, the more I allow myself to realize that truth the more impossible it is to put back in the box. I can only get erections now looking at men and my desire for emotional intimacy lies increasingly only with guys.

 

I understand this sentiment perfectly. For me losing the ability to have sex with a woman was total verification of my homosexuality. I love the idea that women have zero sexual or emotional appeal to me. I no longer have to pretend.