What Are You Thinking?

Praying for a good day today.

 

Yay large frosty ftw

 

Telemann, this is why you are my second favorite composer of all time.

 

Always nice to find out that one of your in-laws has Pick's Disease and the other is on denial about it... siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh..... :bang:

 

Okay, so I was learning about renal nursing, but I kept getting distracted by links and stuff, and ended up looking at pictures of the cervix. So should be studying midwifery instead of nursing...

 

Advising in about an hour. I'm honestly going nuts. Today's been the lowest I've been since this weekend. I usually feel better about things in general when I'm able to present male but I'm not passing well, especially dysphoric, and I'll be leaving school early because of a professor absence.

I've been an emotional wreck and I hate feeling so fucking weak. It's pathetic, being this close to breaking down.

Hell. You know what? I could fucking do with some friends. Or I dunno, someone offline. I don't even know how to fucking talk to people and I fucking hate the idea of going up there, having to talk and interact like this. I don't even want to talk to people and yet I do. What the fuck?

 

I don't want to go to work

 

I wish I had a job. Hell. I don't wish ill on any of my kin but I kind of sort of wish I had an obscure relative leave me a vast inheritance or some shit like that.

Can I just have money? And the means to get the fuck out of here? Please?

 

Take a deep breath. and then ten more. Better? Now imagine that you don't and won't ever have money for transition, that you live in a country where transition is not possible or that you are ill and transition is not an option for you. Ever.
Can you keep that picture in your mind?
Can you see how lucky you actually are? You need to survive just several years.

I don't mind your complaining. But it's up to you how you want to spend those several years. If you are having fun complaining, by all means do it.
If not you will have to change your attitude. Because that is the only thing that you can change here...
I would like to see you happy.

 

gahhh why are all Swedish guys so incredibly good looking

 

Well, yeah. No, it's not hopeless. But I dunno. I just have days like this where I can't pass and all I can think of is how I'm not a real man and I don't have any outlets to deal with it. Can't even flatten my fucking tits or cut my hair at home. All because I can't fucking stand up for myself. I'm tired of being afraid of my mother.

I don't even know how to cope.

---------- Post added 14th Oct 2013 at 01:15 PM ----------

Although, I have to admit, I kind of sort of feel better now that I'm at the point where I can slip into the men's room without worrying I'll be jumped.

 

You know, you should try to learn that you can have a nice day/life even without passing, without binding and trying to win in the fight with your mother.

Can't you see that you are letting her win? She pushes you around and you follow and play her game.
Do you really need to persuade her about who you are? Do you need to have the satisfaction? To outsmart her?

You know who you are. Your opinion is the most important. You don't need to pass to be a man! Why do you so depend on what the others see and think?

Do you need their approval? Even in a skirt and high heels you are a man. Be more self-confident!

 

Because it fucking hurts to get called "Ma'am", to get called "she", to be told you're pretty/beautiful/lovely/any other number of compliments to a woman.

 

I live with the most homophobic, ignorant, gender norm-bound bunch of idiots I've EVER seen.

 

This. It seems to me you don't really understand how dysphoria feels - the mental/social kind more than the physical. When the world says you're female (gender being very fundamental to how people interact etc), and your mind is screaming "no, I'm male", and no one will believe you (sometimes because they haven't been told, sometimes because they refuse to accept it). For me, everytime I spoke to someone, I had the urge to run away/die.

If life before transition was pleasant, why would people bother?

 

That's what I am saying. You let the other people decide how you will feel. They misgender you and it ruins your day. You know who you are! You don't need them to say the certain pronoun to feel good about yourself! Where will those people be in a year or month? Why are they so important that your happiness depends on them?

You can't depend with your happiness on strangers all the time.

 

Hate looking at myself in the mirror!

 

"It seems to me you don't really understand how dysphoria feels"

let's keep aside what I know or don't know about dysphoria, shall we?